Nightclubbing or seal-clubbing? Well, when in Norway . . .

Foreign governments like to make sure our ministers have a good time when they visit. So when Defra’s Huw Irranca-Davies went to Norway to talk about whaling, the Norwegians had clearly put some thought into the postmatch entertainment.

One of his hosts had the ideal suggestion to take Huw’s mind off the troubles back home. “Would you like to go seal-clubbing?” he wondered cheerily. After consulting his diary, the minister discovered he was washing his hair that night.

+ Sarah Palin, the US Republican pin-up, has had to deny her marriage is in trouble, but that hasn’t stopped the naughty people at Vanity Fair magazine running an opinion poll to ask who should marry her next.

The public’s favourite is Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, who shot to fame as “ordinary voter” Joe the Plumber during last year’s election campaign. He’d be delighted, of course, but can’t be specific about when he’d be available for the wedding – just morning or afternoon.

Dave’s pig-shed MP may be one in the sty for smug Labour

When Labour tries to attack the Tories on grounds of class, as they inevitably will at the next general election, David Cameron should deploy his secret weapon – the Conservative candidate for Holborn and St Pancras in central London.

George Lee, a former chief inspector with the Metropolitan police, was born in a pig shed in Hong Kong. At five, he worked in a toy factory.

“I remember one time I was so hungry that I saw a bit of bread left on the road and I picked it out of the dirt and ate it,” he says. At 10, speaking no English, he came to the UK with his parents, who opened a Chinese takeaway in Portsmouth, where young George went to the local comp.

What fun to see Labour’s public school-educated cabinet ministers (such as Harriet Harman and Ed Balls) lined up against a man who can probably boast the most humble origins in British public life. Isn’t politics complicated?

No sex, please, we’re Liberal Democrats

You’d think that Liberal Democrats would be grateful for anything to brighten up their conference next month (“And now, colleagues, Chris Huhne on border-control policy”). But senior members of the party fear that proceedings might be dominated by the sex lives of two MPs.

Mark Oaten is to publish a book on the eve of conference in which he will explain in eyewatering detail how he went bald, had a midlife crisis and hired a rent boy (although not, I must make very clear, on expenses).

Meanwhile, the nation is agog to learn the truth about Lembit Opik, the member for Hello! magazine, and Katie Green, the generously proportioned and much younger bra model. Are they actually an item, or are they just teasing us all?

“We could do without all this,” sighed a senior party figure. “It’s all going to be a bit cringe-making. We just wish they’d stop going on about it.”

Mandy and Cicero – too close for comfort?

Was it entirely kind for Robert Harris, the author, to dedicate a new book about Cicero to his friend Peter Mandelson? Like Mandelson, the great Roman orator (friend to the original Atticus, by the way) was a consummate politician who enjoyed the good things in life.

However, also like Mandelson, Cicero made enemies. After he was murdered, Mark Antony’s wife, Fulvia, is said to have spat on his head and jabbed at his tongue with a hairpin.

Just a normal day in cabinet for Peter.

+ The last time I was rude about The Times, our sister paper, a gang of leader writers ambushed me in the corridor and gave me chinese burns and a dead leg. Offend again, they warned, and we’ll read you some of our Latin verse. But last week the temptation proved too much.

In a report about Vladimir Putin’s holiday, in which he again posed topless, the paper suggested that the pictures “will confirm the Russian prime minister’s status as a gay icon”. It then revealed: “Mr Putin camped overnight.”

+ A visitor to the Norwegian fjords calls with exciting news. Despite persistent efforts to prove otherwise, there is a member of HM government capable of organising a piss-up in a brewery. He is Haakon Bredrup, Britain’s honorary consul in Tromso and managing director of Mack, which claims to be the world’s most northerly beer producer.

Mack is apparently best served with seagulls’ eggs. How the long Arctic winters must fly.

+ As a change from the usual round of diversity specialists and community engagement managers, we head to Hertsmere council, Hertfordshire, for this week’s job we don’t strictly need. The council is advertising for a bridge instructor to teach the game to the overfifties. Trump that.

LITTLE BRITAIN
Customers at a Costa Coffee in Darlington, Co Durham, are being served by Bobby Coffey. And if that’s not enough, his colleagues at Darlington’s other Costa branches are Adam Kitcatt and Ben and Jodie Crisp. “Costa do not actually sell Kit Kats,” said Mr Kitcatt. “But I am trying to persuade them to.”
- The Northern Echo

+ A man ended up stuck on a fourth-floor ledge after climbing up a pipe to get in to his flat. The fire service in Dumfries used an “aerial rescue” vehicle to bring him back to earth. A spokesman for the rescue service said: “The individual had locked themselves out and attempted to enter their home by climbing up a pipe and through the window. Unfortunately, the window was closed.”
- BBC Online

+ The maker of a beer for dogs suggests that owners can enjoy summer pursuits with their pet. Amy Laura Hepworth, marketing manager for Beaphar, said: “Dogs can become even more part of the family as they enjoy a beer too.” Dog Beer is available from pet shops in traditional 33cl brown glass bottles with a german shepherd on the label – for easy identification in the fridge.
- Haverhill Weekly News

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