Aaagrgh — it’s all-women shortlists again. White middle-class men talking about bringing more girlies into the House of Commons, jokes about breastfeeding on the benches, shire matrons stomping around in their Clarks shoes muttering about career women, thrusting young men wondering why they wasted their twenties pushing leaflets through the door just to be pushed aside by a female novelist/teacher/ GP who doesn’t even know the name of the Shadow Environment Secretary.

Grammar schools, Europe and all-women shortlists always get the Tories into a lather. Margaret Thatcher made it on her own with a little help from a voice coach they will tell you and Blair’s Babes were an embarrassment. Remember all those matching red suits and that lipstick – humiliating.

Tory women can do it by themselves. What was David Cameron doing mentioning it? His wife didn’t need an all-women shortlist to become design director of Smythson. His mother became a magistrate without requiring a helping hand.

But calm down, the blues. It’s not what you think. The Tory leader isn’t demanding that every seat be filled by Chloe-bots (named after the 27-year-old Chloe Smith, who was recently elected MP for Norwich North). He is actually trying to recruit the best candidates. If you listened to Mr Cameron’s words he suggested only that a few seats would be chosen in this way and he was probably just trying to put down a marker with the old colonels.

Women already make up 30 per cent of Tory candidates in seats selected so far. What the high command want to ensure is that they have control over all the seats coming up after Christmas so that they can reshape the backbenches after the expenses debacle.

More than 30 Tory MPs have already announced that they are standing down, 14 have no successor yet, and the grandees expect another 14 to hand in their passes before the next election rather than pay back their gardening bills.

“It’s not the A list they want, it’s the CD list — Cameron-David — modern traditionalists who have the same values as the leader, regardless of whether they are male or female, black, Asian or white rather than mavericks and mischief makers,” according to one constituency chairman with a vacancy. Women-only shortlists are a Trojan horse for bringing in Dave’s recruits.

It’s all about people not policies. The Tories already have their plans in place if they win the next general election. They have spent months pondering their education policy, their health non-policy, how to tackle the benefit culture and they have held endless meetings across Whitehall with senior civil servants desperate to emphasise their Tory credentials. Now they need the right team and a compliant Commons to implement their plans.

Having been out of power for 13 years, only two Shadow Cabinet ministers have swung a red box — William Hague and Sir George Young. There are few big hitters among the rest. Yet the moment that Mr Cameron puts his mug down on the Downing Street desk, he will have to start writing out a list of 119 ministers and whips to go on the government payroll.

Tony Blair blundered as he took his first gulp of tea. He couldn’t gather enough experienced flatmates to push through his agenda. Blur and Oasis might have been fun to strum a guitar with, but they didn’t understand his desire to change Britain. The backbenchers didn’t get the Blair Project either. So years were wasted. The same happened when Boris Johnson became Mayor of London. He found it frustrating trying to recruit deputies and floundered over their appointments.

Gordon Brown thought he’d been clever with his Government of All the Talents but he couldn’t keep the goats tethered for long. Soon they were roaming freely round the House of Lords.

The Tories have been learning the lessons. They have only 192 peers on the red benches compared to Labour’s 213 and the Liberal Democrats 71. So they can bring in about 40 new recruits.

“Of course it would be great to get out an envelope and write down the names of all your favourite crime writers, chefs, sporting heroes and TV presenters who would look good in ermine, but it’s not going to happen,” said one Shadow Cabinet minister. “Think more 21st-century America than Henry VIII’s court. This isn’t about patronage it’s about pragmatism, we need people in the Lords who can hit the ground running.”

Their role model is Lord Adonis, who finally pushed through Mr Blair’s plans for academies and high speed trains. David Freud was an obvious choice to boost Theresa May’s work and pensions team. General Sir Richard Dannatt lends gravitas to Liam Fox at defence. Neither is in it for the costumes and Mr Cameron has made it clear that he would like to restrict peers’ terms to ensure that they are not just doing it for membership to a jolly club with free parking in Central London.

Tory aides have been taking the advice of headhunters about who will survive the transition to the Lords.

“Most CEOs would find politics tough; they are used to pulling the lever and watching it happen. What you need are people who have worked in partnerships and collegiate organisations — entrepreneurs, barristers, officers, campaigners — people who are tenacious and make stuff happen,” one headhunter said.

Sir James Dyson, the inventor, is “an ideal candidate for a peerage”, according to one Shadow Cabinet minister, “as is the Carphone Warehouse co-founder David Ross”, who is at the forefront of the academies programme.

Some of the best private-sector candidates will be unwilling to take the pay cut (ministers in the Lords don’t get the same salary as MPs) so the Tories are also rummaging around for family treasures in the attic. Lord Heseltine has been dragged away from his arboretum to have breakfast with Ken Clarke. Lord Baker of Dorking was brought back in his red corduroys to address the Tory conference on technical colleges. Lord Hurd of Westwell and Sir John Major have been dusted down.

“Voters are now nostalgic for the 1980s when MPs didn’t seem so grasping,” said one strategist. Lord Trimble, Lord Ashdown of Norton-sub-Hamdon and David Davis are also being lined up for senior roles. The Tories will also use consultants (although they hate the word) until they can get the measure of their civil servants.

The Cameroons are determined not to repeat Mr Blair’s mistake in believing that he, Alastair and Peter could change their party and the country. They know they need strength in numbers.

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