I was at Great Ormond Street hospital last Thursday, and in the waiting room
there were all these posters saying: “Speak to your baby or toddler; talking
to them is a good idea; it’s friendly and nice and they like it.” Admittedly
this was in the speech therapy department/cleft clinic, so I suppose there’s
a slim chance that some people think that if their child doesn’t say much
it’s okay not to say much back.
Anyway, I was sitting there thinking that it’s a depressing world when people
need to be told that it’s a good idea to speak to their small children,
especially if those children can’t speak very well themselves. And then,
when I got home and finally read the papers, I came across an article about
one Judith Rich Harris, an American psychologist who believes that parenting
doesn’t have much to do with how a child develops; according to her, the
family counts for very little and peer groups count a great deal.
Ergo, you could sit there staring blankly at your child and not saying
anything for decades on end and it presumably wouldn’t matter terribly
provided a pack of children came round to tea and helped it to integrate.
I’m slightly simplifying her hypothesis, but not much.
It sounds completely insane to me, I must say, though I can see how it might
seem tempting if you are possessed of especially recalcitrant teenagers.
Except that even – especially – recalcitrant teenagers need a bit of robust
parental debate every now and then; otherwise frankly it’d all be weed,
girls and My Chemical Romance.
Harris’s theory is somewhat undermined by a big long-term government-backed
study whose findings were made public last week. Researchers from the
London-based Institute of Education studied the way parents interacted with
their children and how this affected the way the children grew up. In their
report, academics said a home stuffed with toys, books and so on stimulated
children up to a point when they were very young, but the effects did not
last. Preschool computers and electronic activity boards, which teach
toddlers numbers, shapes, colours and language, are among the fastest
selling gadgets for young children, but researchers found they were largely
unnecessary and said that what children craved above all was personal
attention. (I find these toys weird. Why get a computer to teach your child
her alphabet, so that she learns it from a disembodied voice with a US
twang?)
Dr Leslie Gutman, the report’s lead author, said: “Toys and books have their
place and do help children develop, but what is important is having the
parents interact with the child. To have parents read to their children is
much more important than having 100 books – that’s great, but if you are not
reading to your child, that is not engaging with the child.”
I was reading all of this and thinking, “Well yes, obviously”, but then it
occurred to me that it’s not that obvious at all. The middle-class version
of parenting was praised in the report, which found that better educated,
richer mothers interact better with their children, and called on the
government to help less educated, poorer mothers to raise their children
“properly”. But I don’t think that this is always true. For a start,
middle-class parenting relies heavily on farming the children out, to au
pairs or nannies or nurseries, which scores a big fat zero on the parental
interaction front.
It also relies, stemming from what is usually a combination of guilt and
affluence, on bombarding the child with “educational” toys from those
transparently aspirational (and gag-making) Baby Einstein DVDs when they are
very small to the aforementioned laptops for toddlers when they are a bit
older.
How I wish a toy manufacturer would just produce toys for distinctly average
children, which is what most children are, regardless of their parents’
boring, ungrateful ambitions. And how I wish that when you looked around
schools, someone would come and club those women who loudly ask what
provision there is for “gifted” children, when theirs are not even two yet
and from what you can observe are about as “gifted” as my big toe. Still, if
you want to get away from them, I can recommend asking loudly about special
needs provision; you’ll find they recoil in horror and go and stand as far
away from you as they can.
Middle-class mothers tend not to view ordinary life – the shops, the park, the
launderette, the cafe – as being sufficiently educational and are likely to
raise their children in self-created little ghettos of rarefied so-called
excellence, where no day is complete without exposure to Sanskrit, baby yoga
or violin (I’m not exaggerating: I know several toddlers who do all three,
and then some). They mean well, certainly, but again none of this is
particularly impressive on the interaction front, and nor is it likely to
help children to develop adequate social skills.
I’d go further and argue that a substantial proportion of middle-class mothers
are to all intents and purposes completely detached from their children.
There are always a couple of them in the playground near where I live,
having given the nanny an hour off, flicking their highlights and chatting
on their mobiles from the moment they arrive to the moment they leave, while
their child hovers shyly around the edges of the sandpit, or runs around
biting other children, or falls off the edge of the tall slide and gets a
nosebleed that it takes their mother minutes to notice.
So we should all have a little think before patting ourselves on the back and
feeling delighted at being middle-class parents. We may not stuff Turkey
Twizzlers down their throats, and I expect it’s true that we read more to
our children, which is a good thing, but I have the feeling that it’s also
true that we don’t actually hang out with them in the way that
non-middle-class parents do, or encourage them to exist in the real world.
We compensate by buying them expensive toys that are pretty much merit-free,
or by taking them on expensive holidays when a bit of English beach and a
couple of donkeys would probably be much more to their taste. There’s
nothing terribly wrong with this – but there’s nothing terribly right about
it either. There are all sorts of ways of not talking to your children and
of not interacting with them. Talking over them with a fag and a rum and
Coke is one way. But sitting them on the sofa with an organic snack and a
toddler laptop while you listen to the Today programme is another.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt through having a child with special needs, it is not to judge other people in a similar boat
I think India is spot on. I live in East Dulwich, South East London and feel really isolated being a Mum to a one year old and surrounded by middle class Mum's. Quite frankly they make me sick. Money to burn, ridiculous thi-chi, chess and massage classes for babies... thats just really weird in my world. It's pretty impossible to infiltrate these groups and when you first have a baby it's great to be able to meet other Mothers, especially when family (cousins, grandparents as Lucy Butler, london uk mentioned) live in the North of England and you aren't fortunate enough to rely on family members for support. Some of the playgroups are frequented by nanies who want to improve their English, the others by competetive middle class snooty mom's who make you feel like a under-class when you tell her you and your partner can't afford a nanny/ childcare and you subsequently do not have a career but instead look after your child. Middle class idiots.
Lily, London, Greater London
With, I am sure, unintentional irony, India's next piece actually says
"And what couple, preparing for a holiday, hasn’t had the conversation about how old children need to be before you can leave them sleeping for a couple of hours? It’s a parental rite of passage: we’ve all done it."
This is an example of the phenomenon India is talking about - middle class child neglect. The big news is, India, that not one single parent of my acquaintance has locked a three year old in a room then gone out of the building. It beggars belief that you have, quite frankly.
My children are 7 and 9 now. It's only in the last two years that they have been able to stay up late to have dinner with us. So unless we had sitters, we ate ridiculously early. That's the deal, isn't it?
Sarah, Leeds,
I completely agree with india knight. Educationally middle class but economically working class, I've made a choice that its better to have less money and look after my child myself.
But there is no justification for the following examples i have known:
-the mum in the city earning more than 300 grand a year who has 1 quality hour with her child per day (waking up at 6 am), compensates by allowing no tv and sitting together for 1 chosen video per week which they then discuss. However her sad eyed daughter never has mum at her ballet lessons, only the nanny.
-at my daughter's school the only friendly mum at the parent/teacher evening turned out to be an au pair.
"Where's mum?" I asked
"She's travelling".
"Ooh where?"
"Actually well no she's not travelling but at home, tired."
Pregnant pause, embarassed kid.
" But I call her between teachers and tell her what they said" replies the au pair, waving the mobile.
What do we expect when mothers have such low status and no pay?
pink drummer girl, london,
I have to say that I thought India was speaking nonsense. Parents don't need to spend hours hanging on their child's every words - that's why we have families with more than one child - so siblings can play together - why children have school friends, grandparents, neighbours etc. Most mothers - middle class or otherwise - are really busy cooking supper, sorting out the washing and or working. I have always understood that children like having their mum or dad around, but don't need to be constantly entertained. My kids are so demanding, there's no chance they're ever going to let me ignore them. Surely in more traditional societies the divide between adults and children is less pronounced, and all age groups muck in with the jobs associated with living. My view is that so long as you are around, show an interest in your children, eat together and love each other, that's enough.
lucy butler, london, uk
So much bitterness (and envy) directed towards the middle class! I would far prefer my child to be able to play the violin than to eat a KFC family meal all by itself.
Guy, London,
So what is middle class? I am educated to degree level, live in an affluent part of Edinburgh, and do the constant round of piano/spanish/swimming/extra tutoring that so typifies the middle classes. But equally, I am a working mother, have never had a Nanny or any other form of paid help in the home and the only highlights I have are from the ever increasing amount of grey hairs that appear on my head.
But I am only too well aware that my child's favourite pass time is digging great holes in the flower beds (he's eight), or playing footie in the park. Equally I understand the importance of talking to him. I am not alone in this, infact I would say I am totally typicall of most of the local mothers.
So who are these middle classes that India often talks so disparagingly about - I don't know any one like them!
Fiona Burton, Edinburgh, Lothian
I would consider myself middle class, as I would describe my friends, and the description here of middle class (with highlights, cell phones and nannies) is the vision I have of upper class. As a middle class person, I work full time as does my husband to make ends meet and as a result have to put our 5 month old in day care. When he's not in day care, we interact with him constantly and I can't imagine doing otherwise. No toys or gadets can ever substitute for the love and attention of parents.
Emma, Cincinnati, USA/ Ohio
That's interesting because I work on a council estate and had assumed that not talking to babies was more prelavent among the non-middle classes. One solution would be to wire all babies into mobile phones and then the parents would talk to them incessantly.
jamey, Bournemouth,
Children in smaller families get more attention. The same parents that are reasonably attentive with one child will loose interest more and more for each successive child. This is not class based in my observation. It could happen to the most idealistic parents. Less children really is the best way. Common sense is not class based. Middle class parents are at equal risk of making a hash of parenting by having more than two children. The bored parent will get tired of excess effort and be too busy to give a healthy amount of attention to each child after about the 2nd. They may not face up to this and blame the child or fail it in some other way. Children with many siblings often envy those without siblings for their more cared for status in the world. This is regardless of wealth and class which children often ignore as envy factors. If people are honest they might remember back to childhood and agree. UK is overcrowded anyway.
sue, surrey, uk
Like Ali ,I disagree with with India's thoughts on middle class parenting. There will always be different parenting skills amongst us regardless of class. The mothers I see in my job come from all backgrounds, class and culture some of them are natural mothers and some need a little help and others need a lot of help.
The middle class parents I am in contact with most certainly do not spend money on expensive toys. They do however spend time with their children reading stories, playing games, walking and yes talking and talking.
I do not class myself as any class but my own children always had my time and attention. They are all grown up now and have professional jobs are sociable and happy individuals.
Neglect is a strong word and shouldn't be used lightly. I am sure most of the middle class mothers being accused of neglecting their children would be horrified to know India's thoughts. I believe the role models we have as we grow up influence how we are with our own children
Frances, Stowmarket, Suffolk
I disagree with India's thoughts about middle-class parents. I live near a park which attracts a huge mix of parents and parent-spotting is one of my favourite hobbies. You can always spot the middle-class ones because they're the ones rushing round attentively after their offspring, gushing "well done" all the time and mollycoddling them up the ladders. The "working class" mums tend to let their children fend for themselves....and I can't help feeling (as rather gushy middle-class mum myself) that the kids are better off with a more hands-off approach.
Ali, London,
At least the educated middle classes speak to their children in coherent, correct English. It is a sad and true cliche I often see on the streets - working class parents merely grunting at their children as the only form of communication, perhaps accompanied by a slap across the face. Worse, I once witnessed two teenage mothers on a bus encouraging their toddlers to repeat obscenities, and laughing when the poor mites innocently did so.
Lucy, Cambridge,
oh. not sure where i fit in all of that. i did buy her a bunch of baby einstein dvds. on ebay. likely fake. she's now nearly four and still gets some of them out. because she likes to compare the music and images with things we have seen and heard. when she's out. with me. seeing and hearing stuff. whether at the local greasy spoon, the library, the local museum, tesco, the vet, a concert hall or campsite. I don't have highlights. I may occassionally flick my hair. I do have a mobile phone. Which she likes to use to chat to her grandparents, uncles, aunties and family friends , to tell stories or ask questions about the things that she's seeing and hearing. She also likes looking through the accumulated pictures on it. Again talking. WIth me. I am one of those parents who asks about provisions for gifted children - the provision of appropriate support for all of the children in a class. As far as I know she's never bitten anyone, even when the Today Programme is on.
dodo, cheltenham, Gloucestershire
My views are very firm and strong about parenting abaout the babies to completing the teenagers life and these teenagers would develop on solid foundation of their adult and married life.
I was born in Burma with my solid parents guidance under strict family behaviours of moral/ethical values which I still maintaining while living in LONDON for the last 42 years, for which I am proud of my those strong values for which I am proud of those values and confident in living in the western way of life.
There has been so much changes in the social structure which give me a pain/agony the way these days I hear the bad and sad news with crimines and crimes everywhere in the media eg TV, Newspapers, posters and Internet. If the values have been built up by talking to the babies, children, teenagers and grow strong the future citizens of UK or any country in the world would reduce the greatest problems of the world. Parents must and I emphasis MUST SPEAK TO THE CHILDREN WHO HAS GIVEN BIRTH.
S Verma, Friern Barnet, London, England
I don't want to endorse pointless 'middle-class bashing' but I can see a lot of truth in this article. Being highly educated can make it hard to adjust down to the level of small children sometimes. It takes conscious effort, and some skill. It has to be learned, ideally from one's own parents.
Much as we like to demonise working-class parents nowadays, their willingness to watch 'crap' TV programs with their kids, repeat catchphrases and single along with jingles or adverts is actually performing the functions of bonding and language development. And the kids get to see their parents cooking and fixing stuff. What's wrong with 'ordinary'?
JP, London,
Let's face it - a lot of people find their babies and small children deathly dull. In particular I find a lot of "professional" fathers see time with their children as a chore which should earn them brownie points from the wife.
My sister has done a lot of child protection work and she says the scale of middle class neglect is beyond imagining. She has been into a lot of run-down council estates where the children have been happy and loved and secure, and a lot of large Victorian houses where the parents basically ignore their offspring.
J B, London UK,
If the mother teaches the child the alphabet she might do it using that alphabet song. If the child learns the alphabet from a computer it will learn to say it in a mechanical monotone voice.If each childs speaks in a monotone drone when all the children are in school reciting together there will be no fear of one singing out of tune. After all we don't want any of the children to 'drop the ball' do we?
Sue, Sutton,
Read Alexander McCall Smith's Scotland Street novels.
Noel Falconer, COUIZA, France
uh huh. so there's little hope for children if buying expensive presents does little whilst the rest of us cant read, all smoke and drink 'rum and coke'. surely a sugary alco-pop or pint would be closer to the truth? the future is doomed!
You're right, you middle-classes must consider your position on parenting, because for all your money your children will grow up to be as anti-social and tragically withdrawn as the rest of the children who attend 'that other primary school' down the road. And the embarrassment when the nanny must attend kick out time! Having day free is often an under represented positive for not working.
Mind you, Harry might be right, and then what are you going to do when your son brings home a girl off the nearest estate?
emma, dartford, kent, england
In response to Kim -
I was allowed to drink small amounts of wine or beer with meals when I was a teenager, under supervision from my parents. This meant that when I got to University, it wasn't an exciting new thing, and I didn't end up in hospital with alcohol poisoning in the first term, as several people I know did.
At the moment it is legal for children, over the age of 5, to drink under the supervision of their parents in their own homes. The same cannot be said of drugs.
Emma, Birmingham,
We're all just trying to do our best. This article is just another divisive one setting mother against mother. I have noticed The Times is chock full of these of late, or maybe it always was and I now only notice as I am 30 weeks pregnant and about to enter the world of being judged for my parenting skills by every single other person who's ever popped one out.
Nicky T, Birmingham,
It´s the most wonderful thing in the world to talk to babies and small children. They are so responsive in their own way. I also talk to my cat - something she also enjoys!
Brucks, Munich, Germany
Oops, I thought you were talking about Fairfax County VA USA.
The tragedy of VT has nothing to do with Koreans, it has everything to do with a school systems with great stats, but poor support for children with special needs.
Quint, Woodbridge, USA
I know this is going off suject somewhat but as it is titled 'middle class neglect' it is relevant.
I was shocked when a middle class friend told me that she was buying and allowing her 15 year old and 13 year old daugthers to drink alcopops and wine under her supervision. The logic being that once they are old enough to go out and drink on their own, they would be accustomed to it and would therefore be less likely to get drunk and be in danger. I would ask any parent thinking the same, would they go and buy drugs for their children to lessen any chances of them becoming addicted or taking too much?
Kim, London, England
A boutique hotelier profiled today under Life and Style section said that sometimes she and her husband and business partner do not speak for weeks. Can we be surprised then when this behaviour manifests itself with children of so-called "successful" people?
Dee , Toronto, Canada
Too many parents appear to have children as accessories, and seem to be far too concerned about dressing them in Baby Gap (or whatever it's called), and stuffing all their free time with "activities". Televisions and computers in bedrooms are "poor parenting" - why do people want children if all they do is arange things so that the children are never with them? Don't they like their company after they've bred them? And why do so many parents say "thank goodness" after telling me what date the school holidays finish? I don't think class is at issue when it comes neglecting children - shoving them in front of a TV and ignoring them when they speak is not much different from sending them out to after-school activities or upstairs to play on the computer - it all amounts to an unwillingness to do what they should have signed up for when they got pregnant, i.e. being parents.
Carol Parsons, Rochechouart, France
Great article - I have come across this type of mothering on a daily basis where I live in SW London. I feel a bit of a social outcast in my neighbourhood as I DO bring up my children to fit in with my world, and do not chivvy them from one child centred activity to the next. Other mothers just don't get what I 'do' with the children all day: They come shopping with me, interact with me as I do the housework, enjoy helping me cook, and socialise with my family and friends either in each others' houses or at the park. As far as I'm concerned this is the best way - they learn how to fit in with the world (after all they must learn the world doesn't revolve around them), it's cheap (always a plus) and it is fun and spontaneous (surely a most precious part of childhood). At some stage in his life, a child will realise that the world is not one big playzone which revolves around him - and that will come as a shock.
Mary Taylor, London,
The upper middle-classes have never had much to do with their children. Between Nannies and boarding schools there was never much time. The poor need a great deal of input to their children or they risk going off the rails. The Government, quite clearly, has plans to remove children at birth, raise them in state nurseries and put them on the treadmill as soon as is humanly possible. I don't think that any discussion about children matters any more. The state will have its way.
judy, Liverpool, england
As a speech & language therapist I have to agree that we see many children with delayed speech & language purely as a result of poor stimulation during the formative first 2 years or "parental neglect". Parents across all stratas of society have admitted that they didn't speak to their baby because "I thought he couldn't understand" or "he can't reply yet so...". Personally I think many parents need as much advice after their baby is born as before. When I have given talks at baby clinics it is amazing the questions parents ask - many parents have no idea about the importance of a baby's babble, response to sounds, learning to listen, being sung to, talked to and played with. Hence the battery/computerised toys. I think the answer is in Parent Classes with referrals coming from Health Visitors and pre-nursery schools. I am now working in Dubai and we are experiencing similar problems but without the back-up of the NHS, so parents have to pay for their therapy! Attendance is 99%!
C. A.P., Dubai, UAE
Why should we blame "middle class" alone for neglecting a child and not regularly interacting , by either talking or babbling out to an year old toddler. We are living in an organic world, and we often sight the growth pattern of a child like a mentor supervising his pupils. This social ill is very much in the upper strata and creamy layers of our society. Parents have every thing to offer to their kids, loads of money, toys, gadgets and gizmos, stacks of comforts, nannies and au pairs , except their time to share and care. And we are to blame ourselves for such willful neglect and a state of alienation . Having nuclear familes with working parents , the syndrome of "latch-key child" is very much prevalent in big cities and metro towns. Aren't we seeing DINKs(Double Income No Kids) state transforming in to DISK(Double Income Single Kid) parents , showing a paradigm change in our family set ups.Good parenting is an art and parental interaction is very much needed for nurturing .
Witty, New Delhi, India
Many parents I see here are so keen to have their children in numerous activities to fill the child's time that there is often little time for just being with the child. There is a sense of failing the child if their time is not completely scheduled for some supposedly enriching activity. After school activities, evening activities, weekend activities - little time for just going for a walk or to the park, working in the yard, playing a game together. There seems to be a guilt associated with not doing all the activites one can cram into a child's life. Too many of the activities do not involve the parent - the kids are turned over to some other adult leader who takes the active part in teaching whatever it is. Sitting on the sidelines while someone else teaches your child something is not the same as being actively involved with their daily life. Even finding time to sit down for supper together seems impossible often-times.
Lewis Murray, Stone Mountain, Georgia, USA
I love to talk and play with my grandchildren, read to them and encourage them to write and draw.
I did this with my own four children. They did not go to nursery or play group.
You don't have your children for very long so make the most of this precious time. They grow up very quickly.
Isn't bringing up children the most important job in the world? I think so but then I am an old fashioned old woman of 73 years.
Joan, Mapperley, UK
Being there when the child needs you, is more important than trying to spend "Quality Time" with your child. If you do intend to spend "Quality Time" with your child because of work restraints, let your friends and relatives know it, so that they don't call you, and more important YOU DON'T CALL THEM, in other words, shut off the cell phone! Also, try to give children toys that require imagination, or set up toys that do so, i.e. a stage setup so the child can place their own characters on the stage and dress them the way they want to, and they can create a storyline of their own, not from some closed end TV program.
By the way interesting. You mentioned American Twang.
Here in New England it is called the Yankee Twang, something attached to certain parts of New England states which still contain pockets of people who are descended from the original English settlers, between 1620 and 1675.
Jim Johnson, Framingham, MA
David Thomas of Nice, France, compares city council tax. Tax systems differ and corrupt proper decision-making. Perhaps what we want here is nightly collection from communal collection points. What we need to know is what is the COST and perhaps the comparison. If the cost is the same as in Nice let's have it here. And abolish council tax and replace it with a sensible funding system.
Peter Webb, Godalming, Surrey
My experience as a primary school teacher in a wealthy area of North London is that this middle-class child neglect is common. Many children that I taught were traumatised when the au-pair girl that they related to suddenly left. Mum was the "taxi driver" who took them from planned activity to planned activity. Almost every pupil was expected to be of above average academic ability, or was seen as a failure. Parental love seemed to be conditional on the pupils performing academically. Some of these children were having therapy for their personal problems, I was told that they were suffering from "Garden Suburb Syndrome".
Martin Philip, London, U.K.
At last someone with common sense. My kids are now in their 30's and we did all those things naturally. Trouble is today is people think money can solve anything!
John Lewis, Aberdare,
Have you ever thought that it is the people who design these posters who need looking at? I've seen the most inane posters all over the place and know that someone is getting paid to design them.
Mosty parentds talk their childdren into the ground - myself included - and the children are lucky to get a word in edgewise.
By the way you've made a good living out of criticism too!!
J Leigh, Wigan, Lancashire
You are absloutely correct. I would add that, now my children are older, the best way to get them to read is to be seen reading yourself.
james, Canberra, Australia
Explorers do not need to fly first class or to have designer clothing - they need mud on their boots
Observer, Peterborough, UK
I am quite amazed at how many of your commenters blame the US for everything. Just for your information the picture you have internalized of American family life is very, very, very wrong. The UK's nanny system and child minder culture is homegrown and should not be blamed on the US. Furthermore you must remember Prince Charles' cringe making whingeing about how neglected he was as a child and then there's the ship the younguns off to boarding school at seven aspect of British culture. Frankly, if women are incapable of understanding that a lot of physical and vocal contact is a must for an infant then they perhaps should rethink embarking on motherhood. I used to advise my young female university students who anguished about whether it was possible to have both a family and a career to step out of the work force to have and raise their families and to work part time when it became feasible and then full time when the children's needs were no longer a priority.
Millie Woods, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
People sometimes repeat what was done to them. You can stop it today, if you did not like it. Don't repeat what was done to you our of sheer laziness or ignorance. Wake up. Childrden want to do ordinary things with people that they are sure loves them.
Mom, San Francisco, USA
It's often about pretty much basic principles, but some people are unable to understand that human interaction is of paramount significance to the development of a human being.
Michael Töpfer, Dingelstädt, Germany
There's nothing manufactured or invented which can replace good old fashioned human interaction and ultimately it's the only true "organic" approach.
Pat, Hamilton, Scotland
Hurray! This article should be printed in huge letters and dosseminated to every antenatal clinic in the country. Children need interesting chats with both parents, they need real cuddles not the skin crawling, " Bye baby, I love you" which sems to have crept across the Atlantic as mothers dump their offspring somewhere for someone else to interact with them.Children do not need to be told they are loved every time a parent leaves them, they need to FEEL loved, and they need time to play, to develop their imaginations, to explore their own little worlds....they do not need the expensive, over stimulating, constant round of 'activities'.
Jay, Toulouse, France
I agree with much of what you say. Some people seem to be looking for a complicated formula to raise the perfect child when in fact it is really quite simple:
Love your child and give it as much warmth and closeness as it needs in order to be able to unfold its own character and talents - not those drilled into it by over-zealous parents.
I don't think it is necessarily good, either, to shield children from all adversity ; rather it is better when they see their parents coping with adverse situations in a positive way.
Children learn how to cope with life from their parents first and the impressions they gain in their earlier years, are much more ingrained in their characters.
I suppose I am one of those lucky people with the most important profession in the world - raising children.
A Mum of three children
Kim Domnick, Torquay, UK
Judith Rich Harris's principal thesis is that parenting style is correlated faintly if at all with their children's objectively measurable personality traits in adulthood. She is very explicit in stating that parents can and do have considerable influence over many aspects of their children's development and lives, but suggests that a child's interaction with other children of its own age is of much greater importance in moulding its personality. Her theory accepts that toxic or lazy parenting can have ill effects for a child subjected to them.
Ms Knights lazy caricature is typical of the rest of her article, and indeed her normal writing style; standing up men (or parents) of straw, the better to set fire to them. It is one thing to poke fun at the pampered lives of the wealthy Londoners who populate Ms Knight's daily life, and another to misrepresent a controversial but important scientific theory. Journalists, as well as parents, can cause damage by their wilful laziness.
Neil Robertson, Glasgow,
In this country if you relied upon peer groups to influence your childs developement, as suggested by Judith Rich Harris, you could expect a budding hoodie, yardie, junkie or other such malefactor to emerge in a fairly short time.
The moment a mother decides that a career is more attractive to her than constant bonding with her child, or thinks that she is capable of both of these, then it is the start of the downhill run. Not just for the children but possibly the family.
While childcarers,nannies and nurseries can assist with some basic learning they are NOT mothers.
Ken, Bedford, UK
I recognise the 'type' of parent being described here, but I am confused about the description 'middle class'. At my (fee-paying, international, European but English National Curriculum) school we English teachers call this sort of mum with maids and endless hours of gym and sun-bed time 'rich' or 'upper class'. Clearly, 'class' as a descriptor is inappropriate these days, we need to find another. I have always described myself as middle class because I had aspiring professional parents whose own background was working class but they were able to go to grammar school and then university. There was never very much money, but there were books and dinner table conversation. We live in such a different world only 35-45 years on, our vocabulary needs to catch up.
Isabel, lisbon, portugal
Hi India
I read your article with interest, and totally agree, I brought up five children with very little, having endured 20 years of domestic abuse. I loved telling my children made up stories and writing little books for their school, I also took them on lots of trips to places of interest. My childrens' friends were amazed when my children came out with such a broad knowledge. They have all grown up to be extremely sociable, well adjusted and generous hearted creative people.
harjinder Kaur, manchester,
I have moved to France, from Ireland, and, immediately, I was struck by the thought that it reminded me of Ireland in the 50's, when family was everything; before the TV & computers; mobile telephones & violent Play stations arrived to replace communications with ones children.
It was the era before political correctness and the all the other fads that the USA exported to kill any semblance of enjoyment of married and family life.
The French still talk to their children; they eat together; pray together and seem to enjoy each others' company.
In Ireland, nannies have taken over; the motor car is king; mobile telephones have become a necessity and new money is God.
WHILE I AM ONLINE, COULD I MAKE A PLEA TO HAVE THE SUNDAY TIMES - IRELAND - RESTORED TO THE WEBSITE
PLEASE.
And India,
Please let your readers have a look at "First Base" - it was, and is, brilliant.
MYLES STANISTREET, CAZENEUVE, FRANCE 32
your articles are always a good read so thanks for that....your article has just reminded me that we all like to look down on someone else..guess it makes us feel better about ourselves...but i do agree that neglect is not just a condition of the working classes....love and discipline in equal measures but johnny is either too angelic to discipline or he is a monster beyond control..if only they just took the time to get to know him...
mark, birmingham, uk
Well done! Maybe my child did well in spite of me! I was a teacher, so I had to work full time from the time when she was 7 weeks old. We did have au pairs back in those days, but she was always at home with her father. Up until the time she was 3, she had her aunt as the main carer in term time. Her aunt loved her and they always had a very special bond. I was not jealous: I could not be because that was the term of the unspoken agreement between aunt and mother. Then the au pairs came and my child clammed up. The au pairs read her body language: she was toilet trained in 1 day when she was 3. She spoke when she needed to - which was rarely. We did the ballet and tap, Brownies, piano and swimming route starting her at 7. School had started at rising 4. She got far more noisy at home then at school. I never had the time to play tea-party with her: I bought her toys that focused on imagination and construction: Lego, playpeople , an indoor climbing frame and made her stuffed toys.
Carlyle and Len Braden, Croydon, U.K
How true, Ms Knight. My children are now adults, but when they were young in the 1970s/80s I often used the term "middle-class neglect" to characterise the behaviour of parents which you rightly pillory and which I saw all around me. Things have clearly got worse since then. Like you, I could not stomach the combination, widespread among my colleagues, of on the one hand assuming that their children were little geniuses and on the other of never involving them in simple things like shopping or playing in the park.. I was far from being a perfect dad, but I did master the art of pushing two children at once on separate swings. (Easy, really, just a matter of pushing one forward while the other swings back.) They loved it, and it did me a lot of good, too. Still does, because they keep in close touch, which they might not do had they been neglected because their mother and I were too "busy" to pay them much attention.
J. Fletcher, Canterbury, UK