What is it with men and their children’s nannies? Last week we heard how
Robert Hastings, 31, had dumped his wife Claire, 36, for Amy Hillier, the
19-year-old nanny the couple had employed to look after their three small
daughters. The Hastings marriage was going through a rocky patch – the
couple had been together for 12 years and had recently come back to England
from Australia, where Hastings’s business had gone belly-up.
Claire Hastings confided in the nanny about her marital difficulties: “I would
tell Amy that I wanted to work things out with Rob and she sat there nodding
and listening,” she told a newspaper. Shortly afterwards she discovered that
her husband had booked a pair of tickets to Amsterdam (top marks for
originality), and that he was not taking her. She hired a private
investigator who took pictures of Hastings and Hillier enjoying a “romantic
weekend” in Holland.
“I’m a good mother,” Claire Hastings said last week. “How could he prefer a
19-year-old bimbo to the mother of his children? I’m like a brood mare who’s
been put out to pasture.”
And kicked out of the stable, to boot: on hearing of her daughter-in-law’s
impending divorce, Robert Hastings’s mother Louise instructed her solicitors
to send Claire Hastings an eviction notice (she owns the cottage the couple
lived in). So that’s nice: three sad children see Mummy kicked out by their
loving granny.
It is a strange fact of life that most women – no matter how high-achieving,
beautiful or intelligent – have, at the back of their minds, a worm of
anxiety about their nanny and her effect on their husband. I know a number
of women who insist on hiring only “plain” girls, which is somewhat missing
the point (Jude Law, you may remember, had an affair with his children’s
averagely good-looking nanny while engaged to Sienna Miller, who is
beautiful).
Men don’t usually run off with the nanny because she is the dazzlingly
gorgeous, leggy Swede of 1970s sitcom fame, but because she often represents
an oasis of enviable calm in the inevitable hurly-burly of family life.
She’s not neurotic, she’s not needy, she just smiles and gets on with it in
a nonthreatening, noncompetitive, adorably feminine way.
There are other aspects, too. Such as the fact that the nanny has a life
independent of the family she works for and this reminds the husband of his
carefree bachelor days.
She gets dressed up, she goes out and has a laugh, she spends Saturday in bed
with a hangover: if you’re a midde-aged man waiting for a midlife crisis to
kick in, all of the above are aphrodisiacs – especially if your wife, on the
rare occasions you go out together, grudgingly squeezes herself into
prepregnancy clothing that won’t quite do up, says she can’t be bothered
with lipstick and could you please bring her home early, because she’s
knackered and knows she’s going to have to get up a couple of times in the
night to see to the children. Who wake up at six.
All of this is true and none of it is sexy. Contrast with the blithely
unattached nanny, living the life all middle-aged men feel they still ought
to be living, and you can see how a problem might arise.
But none of that is as potent an aphrodisiac as watching a nanny being good at
her job. She arrives in the morning, smiling and serene, and immediately
imposes calm and cheeriness where, 10 minutes earlier, there was only chaos
and bad temper.
She scoops grumbling children up and they beam at her happily. She magically
gets rid of the breakfast debris, the newspapers that have fallen on the
floor, the toys strewn unphotogenically about the room.
The children’s mother, meanwhile, is looking massively stressed even though
it’s only 8am. She’s muttering about her car keys, about how she’s late,
about the ladder in her tights. There’s a blob of marmalade on her jacket,
which isn’t helping her mood, and she has already shouted at the children
twice. Observing all this, her husband can’t help but notice that mornings
are a complete nightmare until lovely nanny arrives.
Should he spend the odd day working from home, he’ll also not fail to notice
that when his wife is in charge of childcare, it’s all a bit unplanned and
organic, which is a nice way of saying shambolic.
The nanny, by contrast, thinks of fun, educational things to do with
pipecleaners and homemade play dough, believes in “structured” play and
cooks delicious, nutritionally balanced food. If it rains, she doesn’t
grumble about it but makes a game out of wellies and puddles, and comes back
happy and rosy-cheeked, not caring if the rain ruins her blow-dry.
As for the children, they seem blissfully contented, their every need catered
to. The nanny never raises her voice, or snaps, or rolls her eyes, or says,
“Can you look after them for 10 minutes? I need a glass of wine.” She
organises sweet tea-parties, with cupcakes and apple juice – and, well, it’s
domestic bliss, really, except this paragon is not his wife.
All men respond to this version of domestic bliss: there isn’t a man alive who
doesn’t wish that when he came home his wife would be smiling and fragrant,
freshly lipsticked, proffering a cocktail before a delicious homemade
supper, after which she would declare herself not remotely too tired for sex
– au contraire. I don’t know many men prepared to say this out loud but I
know they all think it. And why shouldn’t they? I’d think it, too.
While the husband is gazing in wonderment at the dream-like version of family
life being played out before him by the nanny, he forgets entirely that she
is working – that is, she is being paid for all this energy and enthusiasm.
Rather like the man who wonders why his wife can’t be as enthusiastic in bed
as the prostitute he visits on business trips, some men genuinely fail to
make the connection between being good at a job you’re paid to do and the
drudgey real world.
Their imaginations run away with them: if they got it together with the nanny,
they think, there would be pancakes for breakfast every morning and trifle
for tea and the children wouldn’t be that upset because they love nanny.
If you mix all this up and apply it to the averagely happy, which is to say
also averagely unhappy, family, the mystery of why men run off with what, to
their wives, is a mediocre-seeming nonentity is solved in one fell swoop.
Men don’t fall in love with nannies but with the alternative world the nanny
represents. Men are stupid that way. Any attached woman ought to bear it in
mind.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt through having a child with special needs, it is not to judge other people in a similar boat
Hi im 44 and just starting up my new home help nanny service for new mums and families needing short term nannying/ au pair help. Thinking to advertise myself now as granny nanny!! must admit would always be wary of anyone i allowed into my home and childrens lives for numerous reasons not least of all my husbands reaction. Interesting article , insightful and quite helpful to me, just off to buy some drab suits!!
ruth, newton abbot, uk
Some years ago in a Dublin suburb a Spanish nanny arrived in a taxi with six pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage.
The mother of the baby was so embarrassed that she persuaded her husband to give the nanny their room, with its en- suite bathroom.
Soon the nanny had appropriated the husband as well.
India Knight wrote a very perceptive story called "First Base" some years ago.
There is always a First Base.
Best stay home and mind the shop & even then your best girl friend; sister-in-law - or a casual baby-sitter might be the candle that attracts the moth of lust.
Men can't resist it.
It's nature, as Noel Coward so cleverly penned it all those years ago as "Let's do IT".
Maybe get a male Nanny, like Clifton Webb, as Lynn Belvedere in "Cheaper by the Dozen" - and a poof to boot.
Whatever, India Knight is a most amusing chronicler of our times.
Well done, you.
MYLES STANISTREET, CONDOM (aka Durexxe-sur-dikk), FRANCE
"It is a strange fact of life that most women – no matter how high-achieving, beautiful or intelligent – have, at the back of their minds, a worm of anxiety about their nanny and her effect on their husband."
Um, yes, totally....and those butlers and maids are a bloody nightmare too, I really don't know how I make it through the day.
LH, UK,
Re Helen (London)
>Get yourself a Granny Nanny...
Like Mrs. Doubtfire? Now that film really WAS on the nail!
Peter, Ealing, London
Responding to another email correspondent to India's article, she is right on the nail! Always employ a warm hearted granny type of nanny to look after your darlings. My sister and I had one in the 1950s cos my mother had to go to work. We cried our hearts out for her when she resigned and my mum cried hers cos she thought we did not love her anymore! Get yourself a Granny Nanny...they are the best and wiser! Pace is slower, lots of reading, walks to the parks and kids are relaxed! Parents should do the ferrying to sports and play dates themselves, not ask nannies to do it.
Helen, London,
> I think women have more to give up and its difficult for men to see this (Danni from Devon).
And yet, if you Google " Men 'want more family time' " it will take you to a story about an FHM survey which showed that seven out of 10 men say they reject the gender roles of their fathers' generation in favour of a 50/50 partnership, in which both they and their partner would go out to work, sharing childcare and housework. However, the survey also shows that half of men with a baby or young children say their partner "now wants him to earn enough so she can be a full-time mother", while 38% say their partner wants them to earn enough to allow her to work part-time.
This survey demonstrates what is now well known to evolutionary psychologists, which that men are hormonally "primable" into child care roles if they have a child. Their prolactin levels rise before the birth, and their testosterone levels drop afterwards.
So, who is really making the sacrifices?
Peter, Ealing, London
Might it be that men innately find a woman who nurtures and cares for their child attractive. The role of a mother? Why are women putting their children in the hands of another?
phil smith, Tunbridge wells, Kent, UK
maybe men are stupid but nannies should be more empathic too with the wife and not be so dumb! I worked as a nanny, i'm 22, told I'm pretty, I was good at my job but never, ever, was I to run away with my boss! he could be Jude Law for all I care ; he's married/engaged : no available, period!
Louisa, soissons, Fr.
> Women will cheat but this is far outweighed by the number of men (from Danni in Devon).
If it is true that fewer women cheat than men, it must be the case that the men are copulating with unattached women, such as the nanny in this case. If those unattached women are themselves not copulating with more than one man in a particular time frame, it must mean that a higher proportion of men than women have no sexual partners at all, since every male-female copulation requires a representative from each half of a population consisting of roughly equal numbers of men and women. I think it almost certain that high status men benefit at the involuntary expense of low status men. This works even where low status men are married. Basically, I think it highly probable that a rich man will find it easier to sleep with a poor man's wife than vice-versa. All this is consistent with both evolutionary theory and modern surveys. Google this: "Office Is The Best Bet For Finding Romance."
Peter, Ealing, London
Re Danni (Devon)
The idea that the male desire to ensure that a child is their own originates in a particular moment of history in which primogeniture determined inheritance is incorrect. This myth almost certainly originates in a long essay by Engels (of Marx and Engels) entitled "The Origin of The Family, Private Property and the State" (1884) which massively influenced feminist thought, via Simone de Beauvoir, Betty Friedan and Germaine Greer, amongst many others. Engels relied upon early and quite misguided history/anthropology from Bachofen and Morgan. Property rules mediate rather than determine human nature, which is not different from the rest of the animal kingdom in following the rules of evolution.
Remember, I am not suggesting that females are inherently monogamous: anything but! I agree that modern technology, both birth control and DNA testing for paternity change the consequences of ancient behaviours, but it is astonishing how persistent those behaviours are!
Peter, Ealing, London
I have a 19 year old babysitter, and a 33 year old wife. I am 36.
Let me tell you, the babysitter has an unbelievably perfect body, and represents everything that I remember being fun about life when I was 19, and I do fantasize about her on occasion, but that's it.
Why?
I love my wife. I'm attracted to her. We have open communication. We fight to conclusions, not angry nights. It's not the temptation, that's everywhere, it's the marriage that is to blame.
Gus, Los Angeles, USA / CA
Oh, geez. Put your kids in daycare while the parents are at work and take care of them yourselves--husband and wife together--when you're home from work. Better for the children. Better for the state of the marriage.
Della Morse, Altadena, CA, USA
Can we get an article on the woeful shortage of decent butlers, valets and scullery maids next? Something most of us can relate to with about as much experience and empathy as 'the nanny problem.'
Charlton Wrong, self-education is indeed a wonderful thing, and has probably led to your being able to employ a whole retinue of domestic lackeys, but it hasn't done much for your spelling or punctuation.
Ruth , Hawalli, Kuwait
In reply to Peter of Ealing,
Although I acknowledge I am probably less well read in the areas of Evolutionary Psychology etc, I can't help but feel your arguement is very much based on the Medieval(?) times where women were more the property of men (hence marriage) and all the woman had to do was make sure the 1st born was the husbands and after that it didn't matter so much and this is why property etc traditionally gets passed to the eldest. Do you not think we have GENERALLY outgrown this model of behaviour especially with readily available contraceptives? Women will cheat but this is far outweighed by the number of men. I honestly think women have a different thought process about this and we are not all out for what we can get contrary to popular belief!! If I was male I would want children. Ruining your body/career/social life for children is quite a lot to ask and is not every womans idea of bliss. I think women have more to give up and its difficult for men to see this.
Danni, devon,
Why would you confided in a not stranger but an employee.
I wouldn't, if your marriage was on the rocks to begin than do blame the nanny. Blame your spouse.
SInce your marriage was on the rocks your husband assumed that it was over, did you never talk with him and express your feels.
Sounds to me lack of communication.
MSNA, Round lake, IL
Bring back Wendy Craig - the ultimate nanny. Not having kids yet and probably never having a nanny makes me a bit unqualified to comment, but just the word nanny would put me off if I was a bloke - sounds too draconian.
Pucci, London,
Re comments of Danni (Devon)
It seems to me that the main reasons for the culture being in denial about the true nature of female sexuality are as follows. Males find the idea of female fidelity attractive because, unlike women, partner infidelity may lead to their later discovering that the child they thought was theirs is not. Biased information processing causes women to lack empathy on this issue: sometimes the only way to get it through to them is to ask them to imagine discovering that they were given the wrong baby due to a hospital error, as has occasionally happened. For the same reason, women are more secretive, knowing that all males, including their lover, will be alarmed by a pattern of infidelity on their part.
Evolution has selected both men and women for self-deception, because it is easier to convince others if you believe your own lies. This is one of the main reasons for women believing that their motives for affairs differ from those of men.
Peter, Ealing, London
I had to laugh at the guys putting forward the arguement of 'it's in our nature to spread our seed but not the females'. I find this (speaking as a young woman with a healthy attitude towards sex) quite ridiculous as we females often have longings to 'scramble our eggs' elsewhere. The difference being is that we have more empathy and realise that with that act (if found out) it will be devestating to partner and any children that are involved and I think its the thought of the hurt and the pain and the turmoil that it would cause keeps us from doing so. Women think ahead and down the line and are less likely to 'live in the moment'. If we're having an affair - we're unhappy, not just randy.
As for Nannies - sometimes a bit of help is needed especially if there are no close family or friends nearby and I'm sure many mothers look upon it as a necessary evil. I thought conscious choice was what seperated us from the beasts? And what happened to not cheating because you're in LOVE?
Danni, devon,
It's an interesting leading paragraph that suggests that "most" women have a nanny! I have never met a nanny...anyone's nanny - much less run off with one of my own!
Dan Ibrahim, Peoria, IL
Steve,
Yes, I have read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, but am also referring to more dispassionate (!) accounts published for the benefit of those with an academic interest in evolutionary psychology: see for instance the essay "Female Infidelity and Sperm Competition" in "The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology" (2005, edited by David Buss).
I think it is important to realise that not all attached men are at equal risk of the behaviours to which you refer: it was about a quarter of the attached women in the New Woman survey who admitted an office affair. There is almost certainly a correlation with social status. Note that the New Woman survey found that "men at the top are most attractive to women, with 91 per cent of women flirting with colleagues 'on a higher job level' - and just nine per cent lusting after someone below then on the career ladder."
Falsely attributed paternity is most common for low status men - but can affect all men. Male jealousy is realistic.
Peter, Ealing, London
Er, what is it women journalists and their sexist generalisations?
Ironically, what India Knight really hates is women - younger, more attractive women. The fact that she thinks an au pair is presumably so vacuous and impressionable that the little waif could not possibly be responsible for initiating a relationship with her employer's husband is far more revealing about Ms. Knight than the hackneyed old criticisms she makes of men.
Jonah Sabremesh, London,
Well said Niels, I also thought your address particularly apt!
Doug Bates, St. Albans,
You must have read “Sperm Wars”, Baker. Was going to be my next comment but limits you to 1000 characters. Females don’t get off the hook either. Many, especially most attractive ones have 2 pronged strategy: A nasty tendency to seek out the biggest most dangerous bad boy early in their fertility. A man they know is trouble but still can’t resist. He’s aggressive so has good survival genes, that’s why he’s attractive but unfortunately not much of a parent. They get knocked up by the loser who promptly disappears. When they get a little older they recruit some other patsy (who they keep around in exchange for sex) to be the surrogate to tend after the others bloodline. Meanwhile they demand unflinching devotion from him. The man is either the lover or provider. I’d call it a double standard if it weren’t simply instinct. Society labels one the deadbeat, natural selection proves who the real loser is. I still like the quote from Chris Rock “A man is only as faithful as his best option.”
Steve, Buffalo, new york
Right on india.
As a middle aged man i can say that if i could escape the screetching ungratefull nagging wife for a sympathetic beauty ,i would!!
hawkeye, australia,
As we used to say at my (Marxist) university, "Ah! The plight of the bourgeoisie!"
KJ Elsdon, Estepona, Spain
Re Steve's comments
Evolutionary theory and evolutionary psychology constitute my favourite reading. I am afraid that the idea that women are inherently monogamous is almost certainly fallacious: all the recent research on sperm competition suggests quite the opposite. So do modern surveys on the actual sexual behaviour of women: see for instance the recent survey conducted by New Woman magazine showing that about a quarter of attached women confess to having cheated with a work colleague. To verify this, type the following into Google: "Office Is The Best Bet For Finding Romance." In general, our culture is in denial about the nature of female sexuality. And "mate stealing" by women (as by men) is wholly consistent with our evolutionary past. Somehow men in general seem to be more out of touch with all this than women: time to wake up, Steve!
Peter, Ealing, London
Well said of Steve, Buffalo, New York - another fan of "The Selfish Gene"!
It's not about the nanny, it's about our civilised, social model based on monogamous relationships not being compatible with man's basic, biological drive to pass on his genes. To put a potentially available female in his home just increases the pressure on him to control his baser instincts - hardly surprising that it sometimes ends in tears.
Dare I say it, this may be one of life's aspects that the moslems got right! Monogamy at a biological level suits only the woman's needs.
Flame-proof suit on and running for cover....:-)
Niels, Beaver Valley, France
I wonder if perhaps these families whose income allows them the luxury of a nanny are those who are somewhat spoilt and entitled and beieve they should have whatever they want, whenever they want it, no matter who may be hurt in the process.....
Joanna, New York, NY, USA
As a single parent I've found that the best dating site on the web by far is the Au Pair one! The intimacy of living together and caring for the same family brings a closeness that results in a very rapid bonding. It makes no difference if a wife is there or not.
James, London, UK
No great mystery why men seek proverbial other woman. Answer is simpler & more horrifying than women want to believe. Simply: because she’s there. If you eat the same thing every night anything else starts to look good. Not because its better, its just something else for a change, variety. Men are hardwired by evolution to seek multiple opportunities to pass on genes. So grass is always greener on other side. Men are sexually divergent. It’s an advantage to seek out as many copulations as he can to successfully spread his genetics. Women are opposite. Doesn’t pay to allow a man to go shagging other women lest he abandon her & children leaving them no protector & provider. Women are genetically programmed for monogamy. Seek, secure, retain best man available. Jealously, suspicion, possessiveness: perfectly rational/reasonable defenses to prevent mate abandoning her. Men: eternally seeking out variety of partners. Woman: strives to keep a man hers alone because it benefits her survival.
Steve, buffalo, new york
i agree with the comment in that the mother should not be hiring out her responsibilities.....Out of touch and out of time.
Cole, London, UK
I think most of you are missing what may be the most essential ingredient of the husband/nanny dynamic--that the nanny isn't endlessly trying to emasculate and "change" the husband to fit whatever fantasyland image she thinks the husband should be.
It certainly doesn't excuse the man's infidelity, but perhaps both the husband and wife should have given their relationship a little more thought before deciding to take on such important responsibilities as marraige and children.
Chris, Denver, CO,
Couldn't this article just as easily have been written the other way round, what is it with nannies and their older, male employers??? It takes two to tango, and it says a lot about how the nannies must view the wife in these cases that they've no qualms about taking their place. So much for female solidarity.
Brian, Dublin, Ireland
Amazing. This article is written as if it even remotely applies to more than 0.05% of the population (the situation that is, the ridiculous socio-analysis I'm sure is even less appropriate).
I of course blame myself. What could I possibly have imagined the gain to be from reading this column?
Mike Finn, Teesside,
Mrs Salt Lake City is probably a Mormon--not that I have anything against them personally--but they're philosophy regarding modern family life is better suited to the 1950's. It's nice if you can live like that, honest--but, puh-lease, don't impose your relgious standards on those who have to dwell in a place known as Reality-land.
I don't particualary care for nannies, myself--I was blessed to have a mum, who, tho' she often had to work outside the home, loved being a mum. Unfortunately, sometimes mum HAD to go out to work and leave us in the care of an aunt or sitter. That's just the way things are, for millions of mum's the world over. And, depending on your class, some foist kiddies off to auntie's house, and some kids get the nanny.
As for hubby, he needs to seriously keep it in his pants, grow some hair on his chest, suck it up and assume his repsonsibiites. Stop being a middle aged wimp, show some pride and start being a real man.
Nancy, Glens Falls, USA NY
I think the ages of the people involved are very telling.
Men by nature are attracted their whole life to younger, more fertile women. Men should marry a woman about eight years younger, and he married a woman 4 years older. As long as both are in their twenties that goes well, but as soon as they hit around 35 the man will be frustrated with this situation. For a 31 year old man, a 19 year old woman is just a much better match than a perimenopausal one.
This has nothing do do with nannies but the fact that society should encorage girls/young women to look for men 5-12 years older, max 15, and not the same age or slightly older. The fact that Prince William dumped Kate Willington and now is having fun with beautiful 18 year old Brazilian girls is very telling.
Tomás Castillo, Santiago, Chile
maybe the reason that men prefer the nanny is because most modern career women are so teeth grindingly obnoxious that to meet a woman who isnt a shrill harpy cant help but highlight the difference,and though the feminists would disagree why dont you try looking after your own kids.
andy, London, UK
Maybe the good mother should be spending more time with her children, rather than having to hire out her responsibilites.
Montgomery, Salt Lake City,
why do i always read sexist comments from this woman and her cronies who comment on every article she writes. if someone puts a label all 'women' as one thing, then they are lamblasted by all and sundry, yet in a perfectly normal article you revert to type and slag off all men in one small sentence.
an apology is expected...
j, london,
I have interviewed nanny candidates who have turned up looking more like pole dancers; anyone stupid enough to invite a predator into her house when she's a stressed working mum deserves to find herself dumped.
Sorry to sound unsisterly India but I don't think it's men being stupid, I think it's women being dumb about men. I have no illusions about my husband, which is why I employ a shorter, fatter, much older woman to look after my children.
Jess, London UK,
Robert Hastings got the nanny and kept the house and the three kids. Claire Hastings got... nothing. It seems men really are so phenomenally stupid! Giggle.
Simon, Norwich, United Kingdom
That's why they call them an "au pere". I think.
d'argent, London,
Poor India
Sounds like a lot of this is very close to home.
Jack, London,
Its pretty reprehensible that Hasting's mother would evict her daughter in law, unless Claire was a demonstrably bad mother.
Therein, you have an explanation for one facet of this, Bob Hasting's immaturity was drilled into him by his mother! Granny, of all people, should be looking out for the children's welfare and intrinsically understand that breaking up the family has the potential to grievously harm the kids.
DMC, Los Angeles, US
I'm sorry, but I completely agree with India. And I don't have a nanny.Thankfully, my husband is a-typical of the male population-but the rest of them, I'm afraid, are very stupid. Apologies if the male population reading this are offended, but that's life. It's the way men are.
Anneliese Gordon, Altrincham, Cheshire
Charlton Wrong: "I suspect that you are too poor to afford a nanny because your grammer is so poor."
Do you mean "grammar"?
Adrian, London,
Bob (from Haverhill). Thank you. I didn't fully understand until I read the entries from Dave and Charlton. Then I read yours again and I got it! Really made me laugh.
Ope Coker, Colchester, UK
What is it with women and their bosses?
Angus MacLennan, Sutton, Surrey
Kate, great idea, however in the recent Times debate on the issue of male nannies it transpired that women were a)worried that male nannies might be gay and/or peodophiles and b) thought that female nannies had a genetic advantage, being female, anyway. You girls just can't seem to decide what you want........
Doug Bates, St. Albans,
Women don't 'do' consequence, probably never have, probably never will, probably never stop complaining either.
Gareth Davies, Munich, Germany
The answer to the predatory 19 year old female nanny is simple. Follow the example of many high profile women and hire a male nanny in his twenties! Of course, you then facilitate the perfectly natural instinct of women to prefer the younger, fitter and more virile male nanny to their ageing husbands. But most women would agree that would be a small price to pay for peace of mind. As for husbands always opting for the younger prettier female, try telling that to Prince Charles.
Kate Winspur, Melbourne, Australia
Well said Charlton Wrong, London!!. How can anyone with a less than perfect use of language have anything valid to say in any topic??? The next thing you know they will be expecting respondents to address the content of their posting rather than its delivery. We can’t have that can we? It would mean the chattering classes having to engage their intellect rather than operate in condescension mode, an occurrence so rare as to be behavioural equivalent of an endangered species. (Oh, I think you’ll find that “Grammer” should read “Grammar”)
Bob Finbow, Haverhill, England
Yes, men are very simple. They have such simple demands which are so easily satisfied. Nanny knows how but why doesn't mummy any longer? He doesn't care if your mascara isn't perfect, your clothes slightly dishevelled or your mood not always sunny but failure to perform in the bedroom will give him a motive. Presenting him with an easy target is giving him the opportunity. Are women really even more stupid than men to follow such a strategy?
Bill, Southampton, UK
Dave Knight, from Havant, Hampshire, I suspect that you are too poor to afford a nanny because your grammer is so poor. Were you to educate yourself you too may be in a position to employ household staff.
Charlton Wrong, London, UK
Simple fact is that theres something highly attractive about a woman who is looking after children - the maternal side of their personality demonstrated in front of your eyes - its subconscious, but to a man in his 30s or 40s theres a stark contrast between this 'proper' woman who is a model mother, and the worker woman he has come to know as his wife. The maternal behavior is basically sexy - theres not much sexy about your aging wife doing her business related job - think primeval - wheres the reproductive goal demonstrated by the latter?
Dave, London, UK
Dear India, don't overcomplicate matters, the nanny doesn't represent a different or more carefree life, she represents a female that the husband thinks might be available for sex, end of. If your dumb enough to invite a potential rival into your house because you're too lazy to bring your own damn kids up don't be suprised if your husband has a nibble, and don't be suprised if she lets him.
Doug Bates, St. Albans,
I no longer have any children at home. Nor do I have a wife. But, having read your article, I do believe I'm going to get me a nanny.
John Lynch, Whittington, England
Sigh! Your article makes me wish we had a nanny! In short, I see what you mean.
John Ellis, Salisbury,
Men are 'stupid' in other ways too..
1. Given the chance to bed another woman - if they think they can get away with it - men (at least a very sizeable proportion) will. Having got that far, they will occasionally 'fall' for her, with often predictable consequences. It is not inevitable that: affair will lead to full-blown affair to marital breakdown, but it can do
2. Given the choice between a (willing) younger and a (willing) elder woman men will go for the younger one (if not both)
3. Close proximity, having another woman in one's own private space (one's home), can heighten sexual frisson, increasing the chances of 1, 2
Furthermore, if the newer woman also happens to be pretty, kind, clever, works as extra (and very welcome) bonuses
In case we all want to be upset about this, we can blame it on nature, or genetics, or modern mores and the breakdown of traditional values, religion, or lack of same, residual Victorian hypocrisy, sexism, or possibly all of the above.
PA, Esher, Surrey
"It is a strange fact of life that most women – no matter how high-achieving, beautiful or intelligent – have, at the back of their minds, a worm of anxiety about their nanny and her effect on their husband."
Yes, it may be a strange fact of life for the minority of the population who can afford to employ a "nanny" (how very Edwardian!) - everyone else has more important concerns such as the actual welfare of their children when parents have to make do with poor nursery care or struggle on one income. This article does not represent the concerns of the majority of the nation. I'm aware that the Times aims itself towards the professional classes but with the cost of housing these days very few of even those classes could afford the luxury of a full-time "nanny".
What a load of fatuous bourgeois nonsense: oh, to live in a world where my biggest worry was what my husband thinks of the home help!
MB, Edinburgh,
"Men are stupid that way"
Enough of the pseudo-feminist sniping at men. As a bloke I'm no lover of masculinity but it's not clever to perpetuate the kind of fashionable sexism that India Knight likes to dish out.
And anyway, to desire a life free from the neurotic madness that is often family life is not necessarily some kind of middle youth regression but a perfectly healthy impulse. Many women bag a man to service their agenda and sometimes do so ruthlessly dumping the man emotionally after he has performed. That's probably acceptable to contemporary femininity but it's a rubbish deal for a guy.
Fair enough, if he signed up he should go with it marmalade stains and all. Better not to sign up at all I would say.
Clark Sorley, Ayrshire, UK
Surely this is related to the "Robin Cook effect" -- identified by his wife Margaret. The contrast between being the flattered "big boss" and being the husband and father expected to carry a share in the household burdens (I think RC didn't like being asked to put the dustbins out-- who did he expect to do it?). The difference between being a young single woman who can easily invest a little time and effort into trying to trap the biggest matrimonial catch who has swum her way, and being a wife who looks for some support in running a shared home and looking after shared children.
FH, Norwich,
Nannies ?? Is this the social group you are in ? The ones that can afford a nanny ? How dare you ask such a question ! A certain type of man will leave his wife for a younger woman whatever she does; cleaner, shop-worker, au pair or nanny. As you well know only the bad ones get the publicity, what about the thousands of us who have been faithful to our wonderful partners, myself it's been 25 years. So you just carry on in your soft, cushy (yes that's a colloquialism that we workers use) money filled world and just for a minute every day just think how you would raise your three children on bugger-all............like the rest of us. YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE.
I'm sorry I stumbled across this site, it's annoyed me.
Oh yes, Fiona Cummings, the 19 yr old would NOT bring up the children because they can afford a NANNY....be careful how you use the word Bimbo.
Dave Knight, Havant, Hampshire
From my observations this scenario develops as follows:
Nanny listens to Wife's confidences and uses them to lure away husband. She then turns into wife and has babies - but they can't afford a Nanny because he is now supporting two families. Wife, meanwhile, has a horrendous time initially and then picks up her life again and is ultimately happy. Husband will also get drunk at least once and tell her that he wishes he'd never left...
Men! The little dears.
Miranda, Enfield, Middx
I find it hard to rate highly any woman who thinks that a '19-year-old bimbo' is good enough to bring up her children. If she thinks of their carer with such contempt, what does that say about how much she cares about her children?
The easiest solution to this awful problem which i'm sure the women of Britain stay awake at nights worrying about - look after your own children.
Fiona Cummings, Edinburgh,
I think our nanny is hot stuff...
Don't tell my wife... ;-)
John, London, UK
As a former nanny I find your article rather bemusing. Your notions are pure fantasy. There is nothing sexy or alluring about minding other peoples children. It is a mind numbing, tedious little job. Like full time motherhood, your brains fall out after the first month and all you can think of is how can I get a real job?
And what young girl would be so desperate for a middle aged man - Yuck!
Find an intelligent, interesting man and he will have no interest in unpopular girls who are unable to compete with their peers!
emily, galway, ireland
"It is a strange fact of life that most women, no matter how high-achieving, beautiful or intelligent, have, at the back of their minds, a worm of anxiety about their nanny..."
Hardly. Most women, most mothers even, don't have a nanny.
Someone needs to mix a little more widely, I think
Jamie, Bolton, UK
A pity you didnt get your science editor to check the piece on dark matter (Halo sheds light on darkest mystery) in today's Review - Seven Days section.
E A Bearman, Devizes, Wilts./UK
Seems we have some very sensitive males around. If I am not mistaken Idia Knight is mostly excusing and explaining away the weakness of the male in the fraught atmosphere of an houselhold stressed by young children, exhausted mother and 'still want some nookie' hubby. At the same time, of course, she points out the short sightedness of his actions but seems to me to remonstrate to the lady of the house to shape up and 'put out' or face the music.
Philip, Bangkok, Thailand
Any couples who employ young nannies are playing with fire. Any way, like petrol and fire, good marriages just don't mix with attractive Au Pairs( secretaries, personal assistants, trainees etc,. one only has to look at what happens to John Prescott and his secretary, Bill Clinton and his Intern, John Major and Edwina curries and many more yet to be discovered). The simple truth is affairs take place when desires and opportunities come together. Like it or not, this is an infallible rule of human relationship. We are just genetically programmed that way . At least we can blame Darwin for our uncontrollable lust! I sum up the situation with a poem that applies to both sexes.
Variety is the spices of life
Monogamy is just plain silly
Orgies and wild parties are stone old
Stuff the inhibitions, just let ourselves go!
Wing, Poole, UK
Good Grief India,
I expect to read this kind of journalism in the rags, but it's tiresome to read this put down of men and allude to their their stupidity as being expected. You may not have met the vast majority of men that appreciate their wives that don't and won't stray. Your view of wives is equally unflattering;yelling, disorganized and gagging for a drink. I think not.
It may be instructive, nay indeed necessary to widen your circle of friends to include ordinary folks that aren't looking for a bit on the side, or wanting to change their domestic arrangements on a whim or who are simply bonkers
Tony, Carlisle Village, US / Ohio
You don't seem to give much consideration to the role the Nanny plays in instigating any relationship with the husband. After all she knows that there exists a wife be it a neurotic and disorderly boring frump.
Douglas John, Northamptonshire, United Kingdom
Just wondering why one would never, ever find an article on gender issues in this section of the paper ending with the phrase 'Women are stupid that way'? It is a litle tedious that men are consistently on the receiving end...
Gawain, Paris, France
Beware of "au pair", Ms. Knight you have hit the nail of the problem , right into the bull's eye. There have been many a few cases, where the nanny or the governess, during the course of her employment and executing her duties diligently....? fell on a swoon with the hubby of the lady, of the house. Call them off-the-job flings , or just one off passing phases ...there are such close and piquant moments in one's life when the women are anxious and at times even neurotic about the tide of relationships being shared in her absence due to professional commitments. With no slur or targeting a blemish on nannies or their repute, it is prevalent more among young, gorgeous and adventrous females(au pairs) and the middle aged hubbies , bespoiling the domestic bliss , traquility and sanctity of their family life. Are all men rank "opportunists", with seduction well engrained in their minds and are all lovey-dovey nannies recipocating to their advances.When bees can, when birds can...are we ?
Sandy, New Delhi, India
Another man-bashing article, finishing off with declaring men to be "stupid that way."
Yawn.
Are there any female journalists who AREN'T so insecure that all they can write about is bashing men?
Duncan, England,
Think Gerard Depardieu in "Trop belle pour toi" or Juliane Belasko and Victoria Avril in "Gazon Maudit" .
An abortion finished my marriage of 25 years. Simple as that. And it was not a moral issue.
I just would have liked another baby in the nest.
Shortly after the op my wife's bits kept falling off; she went into deep depression and that was curtains.
And for what?
A baby would have interrupted her Girlie Lunches!
PS
I didn't jump on the Nanny either.
MYLES STANISTREET, CAZENEUVE, FRANCE 32
Believe me, as an "Au Pair" in the seventies I changed families five times to escape ardent "Monsieurs" - there is definitely a problem with hubbies and the "au pair girl" which is just anopther word for a cheap labour "Nanny".
No more secrets.........
Ann Johnson, Brussels, Belgium,
Tiger Woods ended up marrying Jesper Parnevik's nanny ( who happens to be drop dead gorgeous), making Jesper's wife eternally grateful. Guess it creates an awkard moment when the Parnevik's go into the Woods.
pantera, Cape Town,
What's with men and all women who are NOT their wives/ partners/ girlfriends? The nanny just happens to be more accessible (at home), there are a hundred and one other women out there who are man-traps, I don't think the nanny is an exception. Every woman posting here is probably the object of a very taken man's affection, either unkowingly, intentionally or even accidentally.
Lebo, London,
Dear Old India. The same old mindset. You are, of course, absolutely right. Men are naturally attracted to women doing what they really want their wives to do. You then have to introduce the usual feminist drivel. Because it's men, they are "stupid that way". I don't suppose you feminists will ever be able to acknowledge the fact that what you want and the real world are poles apart and trotting out dogma will not change the way people have evolved to behave. To need a nanny at all, women will be behaving in a way that, whatever the current women's logic dictates, is not attractive to most men. True, some will appreciate the extra money coming into the house, but that will not alter the fact that what they really want in a wife is a good mother for their children and a loving partner (and yes, I'm afraid, a regular sex partner). This may not suit your dogma, nor is it fair, but it is the real world and it's best to understand that.
Bob Finbow, Haverhill, England