Nelly K, an unhappy, unfulfilled parent has a huge effect on their child, whether the child realises at the time or not - there is a direct correlation.

Pucci, London,

Until house-husbands are as normal and as respected as house-wives there's no sexual equality and the family can't work (at least with the way jobs are designed today). Everyone says house husbands are fine, but imagine being one and the conversations you'd get at the average drinks party.

Hubert, Mumbai , India

My husband abandoned us (our daughter was 21) in a foreign country for a 23 years old chineese girl while he went on the congress to the south china and relocated himself back to u.k. taking position of a lecturer at Univ. After twenty years together and my profession completely sacrifised to all his success, working along him all these years and me being madly in love all these years, now I am devastated and at 55 unemployable. For five consecutive months he stoped to pay a penny to us. Our daugther (she was anorexic for nine years and is very vulnerable) wants to continue her educ. and was accepted to the u.k. universities, but because of the family situation she could not make it . With friends help I rented a flat in U.K. for relocation, but couldn't pay for move because of finances. I asked my husband (he is in China every 3 months) for help. He didn't. There is a court now agains me for not paying rent for two months for relocation flat.Debts and no future.What for?

Natasha, bristol, england

Wouldn't it be great to see someone make an honest attempt to address both the woman and the man's side of this equation at the same time, rather than a repetition of this one-sided stereotype.
For every woman nobly looking after children there is a man nobly going to work every day. You can show them both as victims or you can show them both as doing something worthwhile.
Are we really to believe that the woman who goes into this situation does not understand the risks that brings, as well as the benefits? Same as the man understands that spending all his life working to support a family has some costs for him as well as some benefits. Why blame each other or society for those decisions?
Fortunately either side can break out of that decision if they have decided they have had enough. They could do it together, that is what down-shifting is all about. If they decide to do it separately then that involves huge effort and likely financial pain for both sides, but it is still possible

George, london, uk

"What actually matters, to children and adults alike, is having happy, contented parents". Hmm. Nice idea, but in my experience kids don't give a monkeys whether their parents are happy or not, provided they're getting what they need - eg: emotional and financial security. We're all pretty selfish when it comes down to it, so why don't people just admit the truth when they leave a relationship? They got sick of their partner, someone better came along or they just couldn't make it work. Breaking up a relationship rarely has anything to do with the kids' happiness and they're almost always worse off. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Just be honest about it.

Nelly K, London,

Ah India... I feel sad. We now have the highest no. of divorced people in Europe, lowest marriage rate since 1897 (& only 60% of these are first time for both), 150,000 UK divorces last year, 42% of first and 57% of 2nd cohabitations fail within 2 yrs, 100,000 UK children run away (for at least 1 night) every year, we have 7M single homes (highest ever), and young people are struggling to believe in long term relationships. We are living among a growing debris of 400,000 marrieds & co-habitants breaking up every year with less faith in another long term relationship. Are all the women, and the men, who decide to leave really desperately unhappy due to their partner? What is the impact of 2M UK adults every 5 yrs affected like this? Apart from the children, torn by divided loyalties often burying the hurt. Is this what we want? We are creating dark clouds & its raining. It will rain harder yet.

Chris, Chester
Single father of 2, married 20yrs, separated 2 yrs, still believing..

Chris, Chester,

Both spouses need to work to earn sufficient income to survive. Governments have created this situation. Spend!, Spend! Spend!. Women want children, (althought in the future they may be restricted by law to one child inorder to reduce the worlds population). However, "What quality of upbringing will the child have if both parents are out working"?. It is apparent that working women do not take this matter into account. The growing up environment for the child is the important issue here. Working women will spend all their hard earned money paying for substandard child support services whilst they work all day. A solution would be for women to work until 35 have a child and return to work the work force at 50.

Jim Wills , Brisbane, Australia

I believe that although the ideal situation is that children are raised by both parents living under the same roof, the reality is somewhat different . I worked as a family lawyer. During that time I saw many instances of women feeling totally trapped in loveless, unhealthy relationships (not always marriage- some co-habited - it made no difference). However, due to financial constraints and an inability or fear of being able to support themselves or their children-they failed to leave . Many times these woman and their were subjected to violent attacks or extreme psychological abuse. They had children young and, had no skill sets.In effect they became dependents rather than partners. The choice of being supported may have been seductive however it left many of those women without self respect or the ability to be self suffcient- this led to lack of choice and feelings of being trapped. I actively encourage women to acquire work skills- it gives women choices and self respect .

jean, Channel Islands, UK

This a very personal view and rather jaundiced. The Left has made a trade of conjuring a picture of the poor and a penury which is joyless and sad. The sight of benighted people believing they are failing in their relationships for want of cash is tragic and cuts the throat of love as it lies sleeping. One could take the view that the succession of Governments that have urged women to work, to increase the size of the state, to be anti-individuality and the cause of the unhappiness, encouraging the fall back position of the loveless marriage. We have all been sold a romantic pup that cannot survive the loneliness of greed, of financial neediness. Just to look at the latest women's pages, the tat, the false hopes of admiration and self-importance, suggests that women are losing the plot, fabrication the true salvation. In this process so many neglect accomplishment, the unadorned facility of the individual: if we were more interesting people surely happiness would attend, blame you.

Malcolm Turner, Alsager, England

Women should always be financially independent and should NEVER rely on men. I was brought up to have a career & work. I have stuck with it and am happy and have a good salary. Female friends of mine have got divorced and have no money. I know which side of the fence I want to be on!!

Sarah G, London,

Find me a job then?

anoopa, Bristol,

Nobody has it all. I married and got the house, the home existence, the dogs, the computer and the sensible husband who works and spends money wisely on the other hand I dont have Nick Cage - hey yes I wish but he would not want me anyway. I would also like to have been a CSI but would not have been clever enough and cant drive so I think I found my level!

yr, cambs, UK

There are many mothers out there who are forced to juggle several small children with unglamorous jobs. India’s friend has had the luxury of spending the best part of her children’s childhoods with them unencumbered by the stresses of hard paid work and real poverty.

It appears that India’s friend could find work which would feed and house her and her children. Child Tax Credits would ensure that they would remain above the breadline. Whether or not she would be able to afford sandy foreign holidays and ‘big, comfortable house’ in a nice area is another question.

The woman is staying in loveless marriage as it is materially beneficial to her and she values her big house, foreign holidays and cosy domestic set up more than freedom. This is fair enough but now rather than complaining she should pull herself together, realise how lucky she is (despite the unhappy marriage) try to make the most of the time she can freely spend with her children.

Barbara, London, London

I was really sad to read India Knights story. Instead of journalists encouraging people to stick in their marriages and try to make it work, they spoil good marrigages by putting this silly comments on thier minds. The best thing for children is to be raised up by both parents. A lot of good people do not even argue infront of their children. The problem in the developed world nowdays is that people are not tolerant to each other and even a small arguments ends up breaking marriages. It is no wonder 2 out 3 marriages in the UK end up in divorces.
Hanibal
Eritrea,UK

hanibal , Asmara, Eritrea

This is a seriously deluded article. I'm a 28 year old woman and can say with complete confidence that there is no way that I or any of my girlfriends or other female peers could afford to give up work. To those who are worried about young girls whose only ambition is to be "kept" by their partners/husbands, my advice is don't worry! Once they leave school/university they will get a cold hard dose of reality. Most people, whether male or female earn nowhere near enough to support a couple and still have an adequate standard of living. I know plenty of couples of my age, where both parties earn a decent salary and still can't afford to get on the property ladder...

Emma, London, UK

Where did this firm of solicitors find their survey participants - among their clients seeking advice about what their position might be if they separated from their partners, perhaps?

Surely what India's friend's story shows is that there is no such thing as the "easy way out". Every path throws up its difficulties.

Alice, London,

Not meaning to state the obvious,
but as far as I can tell, in my short 31 years on this planet,
Men have always used money/power to get sex, and women have always used sex to get money/power. (and when sex is involved, kids will naturally follow at some point. Married or not)

All the social ethics are just piled on top in an outdated attemt to disguise/romanticise this most basic behaviour so that we will dutifully go on producing tax payers!

That being said, I challenge any woman or man to break this pattern!
Rising above the level of thinking of your average chimpanzee would be benificial to both society and yourself. Wake up. You do not NEED a man to survive in this world anymore, we are no longer at risk of being eaten by random predators, and so can make our own way.
Despite what the media is telling you, men do not NEED a woman to feel fufilled or pass on a 'legacy'.

We all have so much to offer this great world we live in, if only we could see the bigger picture.

Stephanie, London, England

Oh thank goodness! I left an unhappy marriage, and worse still, had to leave my two young children as well (only initially, because I literally walked out with three carrier bags and had nowhere for us to stay together), and, only six months down the line, I am so much happier - the children, when they stay with me are calm and happy, I agree that financially I am much worse off - when I'm alone I survive on a very limited budget - but I ensure that, although I can't afford expensive treats or presents (or is that bribes?), they appear to enjoy their time with me. I also have the stress of coming to the end of a long contract, and will also have to find a new home as the one I'm renting is tied to the job, but I feel far more able to cope than when I was in a controlled environment. Its hard, its scary, but it can be done with the support network that most women have around them.

Samantha Chamberlain, Norwich, Norfolk

I agree with India's central point about happy people producing happy children. Only it's pretty difficult to be greatly happy in today's muddled society and very complex world.

The statistics do not surprise me, though very sad and a damning indictment of our social structures and politics.

And the UK Conservative Party would offer a tax bribe to encourage people to marry and stay shackled in even the most damaging of relationships. Barmy, unjustified and counter-productive!

Forget the concept of marriage - a nonsensical, mediaeval, outmoded form of legal relationship that was invented to allow important men to have their cake and eat it, i.e. preserve their blood line and yet allow plenty of on-the-side sexual activity. Nowadays it comes rolled-up with a still-hefty dose of religious baggage and legal obligation. It has pretty much outlived its usefulness, though I accept it works for some so I wouldn't outlaw it ;-)

Andrew, Yorkshire,

Well said. Although didyaknow, some women (and men come to that) are limited by their intlectual capacity, and so they have to marry as best they can otherwise the house/car/family would never happen given their own spending power. Don't underestimate women's understanding of what 'the deal' is. I'd swap with my wife anytime.

The human need to be a family unit is the real puzzle here. Were Children not an option (i.e we were static of age) how many of us would live our current lives?

mgs, London, London

There are heroic married parents too, male and female, India, if you care to look past your own nose and read the Times. No one is happy forever because of money, work or being single. It is just life being ever changing and it is up to individuals to take responsibility for their own attitudes and problems.

Carolyn, Surbiton,

India Knight telling us to earn our own money and be self sufficient? Er.. you have got to be joking.

Helen E., London, UK

some observations on youre friend,s situation.
she ,presumably , wanted to marry early .
she , presumably , wanted to have many kids
how wealthy would her husband be if he had stayed single ?
sure , she could have had a career , but she chose not to.
SITC is not real life nor is what is inside the multitude of womens magazines.
put up and shut up.

jo, hazelmere, uk

The UK's indigenous reproduction rate has collapsed well below replacement levels. Ms Knight's happy-me culture therefore won't last for long, however much she whines on about certain aspects of it. In this world, human sexual specialisation is necessary for the continuity of a culture. The selfish attitude underlying this article - focussed as it is on the chimera of short term personal happiness - is a recipe for cultural extinction.

Rob Wilard, Reading, UK

I have explained to my 13yo daughter that life might be better if she were financially independent and she is working hard to achieve this. She also wants children and I have suggested she first find a loving relationship with someone of similar values where children will be welcomed and nurtured. Hopefully she will achieve the best of both, but be prepared for the worst.

Sadly some of her classmates have no greater ambition than to become a cocktail waitress so that they can ‘meet a rich man’. Some parents even say that their child needs to ‘meet a rich man’ to keep them in the style they have been used to, or that ‘she is so attractive she will of course marry a rich man’. These girls tend to be less committed to their education and more socially active with boys, which may thwart their plans!

Oh and Toby and Brian, you sound like wonderful husbands. Surely you don’t begrudge a girl wanting to insure herself against men who are not as committed to their families as you are?

S Cohen, Spain,

My mother stayed in her marriage because she couldn't afford to leave.. Throughout my teenage years and into adulthood I knew she would have gone if she had been able. Family life at times was horrid. I chose to end my marriage when my husband's behaviour became intolerable. Fortunately I had had a reasonable career before having my sons; I chose to work part-time in any job I could until they were in their 'teens, when I retrained and went back to work. Within 4 years - and at age 49 - I have reached the level of seniority I had in my pre-maternal career.

Most importantly, I have brought up two well-behaved and well-adjusted sons pretty much on my own, and they have had a happy mother.

Although I don't have a daughter, I agree that it is so important for women to have a job/career where they stand a chance of supporting themselves if a marriage fails.

Donna Walker, Effingham, Surrey

Good comment Shaun, london

I suspect that a poll carried out at any time in history would have had the same results. The modern phenomenom is that there is no disgrace in divorce. This requires a greater discipline within partnerships, unfortunately we have the "happiness is MY right" generation. Shame about the kids though,

Jane, London,

My partner is in his 70's, I'm in my 60's, we're both Americans, he a widower, I'm divorced from a long term marriage. We both have raised our now adult children in traditional marriage relationships and we both look back now and realize how much of a bill of goods we were sold by the society in which we were raised. *Self-sufficiency ... is the key to everyones happiness, not just women. Live long enough and you discover that life can & will, throw you 'curve balls' usually when you least expect them. *When your young get an education, develop your career potentials THEN marry if you choose but do so after you've discussed and come to an mutual agreement upon how you as a couple will handle the major choices and issues of life. Make a life plan, people spend more time planning out how to develop and increase success in their finances then they do their relationships. Listen to your head and heart, love, care for and protect yourself first then give that same care love to others.

Trish, Nenana, Alaska, USA

In today's world so many of us lack the skills needed to build a successful loving life-long partnership - all kinds of sad stories abound - women hurt, children not getting hugged by both parents every night, men staying with a nagging wife to protect the children. When are we, as a society, actually going to start realizing that the couple relationship is an important relationship - and if we want it to succeed - then we need to invest in learning how to get good at loving each other - even if it takes 20 years.

Sadly, despite high divorce rates we still don't teach our kids at school or at college how this importanrt relationship works and adults don't read the latest books on building successful relationships and they don't go to weekend seminars every couple of years to keep improving. And surprise - after 15 years together they make the same hurtful mistakes that a weekend seminar would solve. If it's important to you - then please invest in it and don't let love die.

Stephen, Kirkkonummi, Finland

Jenny Latimer, Dundee...

...this man salutes you lady!!!! Great comments <respect>

:-)

don, birmingham,

So Dan from London, are you saying that women aren't entitled to a fulfilling way of life?

A.D. , Oxford, UK

I thought I contributed something - obviously not!

J.C., Devon,

Mysogyny used to be the complaint now we have mysandrists peddling their wares over the corpse strewn field of the family. The battle is over the next generation, whether there will be a next generation! With this self obsessed rights based generation the outlook for the family is bleak. Responsibility is becoming a dirty word, soon be a 'hate crime' to even mention it.

Alan, Luton,

if only it was that simple....children of divorce are now grown and able to have their say..they all, except in the worst cases of abuse, wanted their parents to stay together and spent years hoping for them to get back together. My neices who grew up in a warring household had no fear of the fighting but were always worrying about divorce..never of course telling their parents only myself.,

p brown, bolton, lancs

Lack of realism in this article. Children do best in a stable home with their birth parents. Married or single, we only find happiness fleetingly - too much of a will o' the wisp to build a life on. We became grandparents for the first time 2 years ago, after 40 years of a marriage which has been sometimes up and sometimes down. I am glad we stayed together, that we can share this new magical relationship together.

Carol, London,

A lot of those men in loveless marriages do not leave not just because of the children but also fear of poverty. I wish my partner was one of those highly successful independent women then leaving would be so much easier.

Scott, London, UK

I'm not going to argue with the content of this article, but I must point out one of the fundamental rules of using any external facts or figures is to quote the source.

What is this survey you speak of? Was it a straw poll of 3 couples in a pub somewhere? Was it a Gallup poll? Where did you get this information?

rss, Cambridge, UK

I don't recognise India's world. Statistically, my household is in the top 10% earning bracket, and yet both my wife and I must work to pay the bills and taxes. Neither of us has the option of being 'kept' by the other. My wife hates working. She'd give it up tomorrow if she could. This is another thing I don't recognise. Where are all these rewarding jobs that make us interesting and fulfilled? I'd say over half of jobs are mainly tedious and sometimes stressful.
I suppose we could sell up, pay off the mortgage and move to a small apartment in a cheap end of town, but frankly that appeals to neither of us, and anyway it doesn't seem to be the situation India's friends are in either.

andrew, swindon, uk

Don't you worry there India - no nasty old man is going to force marriage upon you. To the ladies willfully lapping this tripe up - you'll find your prospects drying up as well.

To my mind, and that of my male friends (as well as a few honest female ones) many, many women have constructed for themselves fantasy land that reality just cant meet. With the help of media, fashion, celebrity obsession, reality TV...women have decided that a glamorous, exciting, fulfilling and yes, empowering lifestyle is their right in life.

The end result of this is female unhappiness. Guys, this means your happiness must be taken away too.

Dan, London,

There are good reasons for men and women to have individual interests outside the family. Doing so to achieve a degree of independance only to facilitate the break up of that family is sad. A traditional family unit doesn't guarantee a problem free existence, but it remains the best model we have, especially when raising children. To suggest that their interests are best served by the disintegration of the nuclear model is absurd.

The article is a good example of the tension that exists between individual and communal values. In taking a very self-centred view the author illustrates one of the ills of our society.

Mark Horner, Northumberland, UK

Perhaps it is because no one happened to ask the ones who have been married forty years and have regrets about just about all of their decisions in life except marriage to the woman or man they loved as teenagers and were assured it wouldn't last.

D Cage, Highworth Wilts, UK

A fun way to read articles such as this is to substitute the opposite of the subject discussed. Here the writer talks of women. Let us read the article as referring to men - this would give us roughly an article saying that -

"men should always earn their own money, have their own house and in general always be in control of their lives".

Yes I quite agree, especially given that today men can rely on themselves alone and no-one else - our laws are in general hostile to men and favourable to women. We, men, must defend ourselves against unfair laws and that defence means controlling our own money. Men know this of course hence the falling number of marriages and the increase in co-habitation.

(As an aside I would like to say that this writer's articles are usually good for a laugh, they certainly do not have the weight or insight of those presented by Camilla Cavendish for example).

David Morrison, Airdrie, UK

of course people would divorce if they could afford it. Marriage is an unnatural state, especially for men. Just look at the divorce rates amongst the wealthy. Go to Eton and see how many kids have multiple parents.

j coates, london, uk

The numbers didn't surprise me at all. And I think it'll get worse over time. A large part of the problem as I see it, is that we're still attempting to force an ancient partnering model, designed principally to control wealth and the access to and availability of women, function in the modern world. And the two principle institutions (church & state) who are in the middle (and largely the cause) of this mess, are more worried about how it affects them, rather than us. The state supports the old model by maintaining a defective "family values" social contract. And the church uses it to maintain its relevance.

What we are seeing now is the upheaval caused when searching for a new social paradigm. And unlike those simpler times of yore, when one's life-chances and future outlook was more predictable, the problems as illustrated by the circumstances of your friend wouldn't have been at issue. It simply wouldn't have come up. But now that it has, society has no answers...

DeSwiss, Nashville, USA

Women need to be honest. Whether we like it or not there are core things that hurt us to the bone. Fat or Skinny? Pretty or Ugly? Rich or poor?

We are sold from inception products to feed the illusion of perfection. We need to wake up. Stop giving ourselves away, sexually, emotionally, physically, and financially . . . then wonder why we are so angry. We gave birth to all who are here . . . that is our power. We are not respecting our power.
www.declarationsofindia.blogspot.com
www.blogtalkradio.com/theindiadeclairshow

This is gritty stuff . . . lets talk about it. What it all means and what it means to us . . . all of us.

India DC, New York, New York

Phew! Now I can see how man haters develop . . .

John, N Yorks,

Get a divorce, take half his money (and, if you instruct good lawyers, half his future earnings too) and you'll never worry about having to wander into the terrifying world of work.

Eddie, London,

In other words, 59% of women actually believe the modern myth that a good marriage = head-over-heels in romantic, lustful love for 50 years or however long life is. Absolute garbage. A large number of these woman need to grow up and understand that the grass is NOT greener in some nebulous paradise populated by strong-jawed sensitive heroes, that life (sorry to be so boring and old-fashioned) is not all about self-indulgence and that marriage is not just there for the benefit of immature girlies who want all the good things and none of the bad. And BTW if your friend were that keen to leave and support herself, she'd embrace waitressing, or indeed cleaning toilets, joyfully. Nobody is too good for anything, especially if she isn't qualified for anything. Get a grip, look at real life and grow up.

Jenny Latimer, Dundee,

As a former house-husband, with two grown-up sons, I just cannot see the problem. Any person - male or female - who writes off child-rearing as a some kind of "boring drudgery", as an occupation that is inferior to a "real job", is simply ignorant of the facts. Supposing, as an alternative, you opted for a career as a universtiy lecturer in child psychology? It's a massive field of study and is directly relevant to child care from day one. Laying the foundations for learning the three R's is in itself very nearly a full-time job. Wake up, girls - if you want your child to do well in later life, commit yourself NOW to laying the foundations of keen learning. Child care is a top job!

Edmund Burke, Kingston upon Thames, England

Excellent article, but the truth is that most women are not able to earn lots of money. It isn't possible for the vast majority of women to be financially self-sufficient . Most women work in the caring professions/admin support roles and most work part-time once they have children. it's difficult to find challenging part-time work. We hear a lot in the media about girls doing well at college university but i think the reality is that once they have children in their thirties and forties, the girls who go to top private schools, achieve top grades, top jobs in their twenties they are unable to find challenging well paidwork in their forties. In fact most men do not earn lots of money and do not divorce because of the financial consequences. Isn't the average salary in the UK around £25K? However, I think what's important is to retain some financial independence for self-worth, and to ensure that if a woman divorces she has some life of her own that she can turn to.

miranda abra, London, UK

Why should anyone feel sorry for India Knight's stay-at-home friend? She chose to opt out of the stress of earning her own living and taking responsibility for paying her own way in life and then ended up like a sulky teenager, attached like a limpet to her husband with no money and no way out. That was her choice. While she was happily having babies, other women her age were struggling through the workplace, possibly dealing with discrimination, certainly dealing with stress and hard work - and they did this in order to ensure that they didn't end up resentful and trapped at 40.

Women who choose the easy way out of financial dependence and hand-outs from men have no-one to blame but themselves. There are career options out there for women now. Yes, it's hard to balance work and family but it's not the 1950s where most jobs were barred to women and pay wasn't equal. It just should not be a respectable option to rely on a man for your financial well-being in the 21st century.

MB, Edinburgh,

"If women want to be free it is crucial they earn their own money"

Welcome to this century. If someone needs that explaining to them, I don't think they're reading the Times, and I doubt they're within the grasp of such jarring insight.

I know this column basks in its misandry, but I'd go so far as to suggest that you could replace the word "women" with "people". Mothers aren't a special case to this rule.

If you want kids, but aren't lucky enough to have the balance of supporting factors required to do right by your offspring and also maintain a healthy life of your own, here's a thought: Don't have kids.

If you put aside everything but childcare (becoming wholly dependant on another) you may consider this noble, but you're really putting yourself and the children in a position of weakness should your relationship falter.

My partner and I both work and split child-care duties, as did my folks. We weather rough times quite well because all parties are capable of independence.

Scott L, London,

I found the stats quoted genuinely surprising. And I am someone who grew up being very influenced by feminist/gay ideas about the lies and evasions of nuclear families.

59% of women would leave their marriages if they felt financially able. Even if we factor in an overstatement created by asking a theoretical question, and assume that only half of thse women would make the same decision faced with a real situation, that's goodbye to about a third of all marriages.

And do half of all men really feel resentful about being nothing more than cash cows for women who don't love them?

I live abroad, and every time I go back to the UK, I am struck by the levels of stress and unhappiness that seem to exist. there. The quiet misery of people screaming to themselves inside.

Anyone posting have any suggestions why?

alan, czech republic,

Excellent article. I also know a depressing number of women in this situation, who remain in deeply unhappy marriages since they don't have the financial means to get even a basic decent home and take care of their kids otherwise.

I was raised by parents who have been very happily married for 38 years, but both of them drummed it into me that I should always be or have the wherewithal to be financially independent, a lesson I'll pass on to my own daughters if I have any - are the men commenting negatively raising their daughters to be dependent on a man? And I'm extremely happily married, by the way.

Also, I think a number of the men commenting have wilfully misread the article - it's NOT about wanting to split any family up, it's about having the choice not to spend one's life in misery (and there's a MAJOR difference between the normal bad days and arguments that are part of any marriage and profound wretched unhappiness) and passing that misery onto one's children.

Ruth , Salwa, Kuwait

The social construct of the nuclear family isolated in their suburban household with most of the domestic responsibility falling upon the one adult woman is a relatively modern phenomenon. It has not always "been the way throughout history" as we are so conveniently led to believe. Some go so far as to say that while it does not serve people so well, it serves the economy well, in that having highly mobile, isolated family units makes for a much more flexible workforce. My mother, when she was dying, said to to me to always make sure I could look after myself. They were wise words. 7 years later my marriage ended, but I had the means to survive. And no, our children didn't end up as delinquants. Both are at University, the older one just having won a scholarship to finance his post-graduate research into cancer. To Shaun, London, while it's nice to think that your way is the best way, because you're living it, others can make a success of life on a different pathway.

Clarissa, Melbourne, Australia

Being free is making your own money? Free from what? The evil tyranny of men? This philosophy is the cause of single 35-year-old secretaries who wish they got married a long time ago, but now they just watch Sandra Bullock get married on TV. If women want to go out and "be successful" thats fine. But I hope you support your family like men do. I hope you don't decide to only support your shoe habit. Who decides what is "successful"? Having children and a taking care of a family is what some women want to do. Don't judge them. You can just hold your nose up at them later in life when you are single, have a stressful job and make more money than them. Then you can rub your happiness in their face, until you find out that they are happy too.

Brian, Lawrenceville, USA Georgia

Having two parents under the same roof doesn't "magically guarantee" anything. Nobody said it did.

But a child living with its married biological parents just happens to be safer than any alternative. Live with mum married to stepfather: 3.5 times the risk of abuse. Live with mum and unmarried cohabitee: 35 times the risk of abuse when living with married mum and dad. From Robert Whelan: "Broken Homes and Battered Children," quoted in James Bartholomew: "The Welfare State We're In."

Thought you'd like to know.

Christopher Chantrill, Seattle, USA

"self-sufficiency ... is the key to female happiness"

Really?

As a man, my happiness depends largely on the love I share with my wife and my daughter. Our belief is that a willingness to work at our marriage - no matter what - is the way to remain happy. So that is what we do. We sort our problems out. And when we can't, then we just love each other anyway. And it is very good.

I don't think your women vs men philosophy is much of a winner. Advising women to invest their lives in self-sufficiency, ready for when their marriage breaks down, sounds like a sad, sad way of thinking. Though there is an element of realism in there, the cynicism is so powerful that it almost acts as a catalst to marriage breakdown.

Marriage and relationship breakdown is probably largely the result of our society's 'look out for number one' attitude anyway. Looking out for your family first and putting their needs before your own (yes, not just women but men too!) is the only way to make it work.

Toby, UK,

Obviously this article is aimed at the people in the British Isles, but there exists a similar situation here in Australia. I am in my mid twenties and was raised by a single mother. Unfortunately i am pretty well adjusted, as are several of my childhood friends who were also raised by single parents. The two people i know who have "run off the rails" so to speak were raised in the traditional family environment. As far as i am concerned this proves India's point quite convincingly.

Jason, Central Coast, Australia

Given the generosity of the UK divorce courts India's friend could have walked away with half of her husband's assets and income.

Ian, Frederick, USA MD

I believe the issue stems much deeper than women working. Why are the divorce rates so high now, why is it so easy to walk out on your marriage for a 'better life'? Bottom line is, women can't win.
If you work as a mum, you juggle long working hours, household chores and the kids, Yet I would suggest your marriage is safer as you have your independence and you are more interesting to your partner! But do your kids see much of you? The family unit is well off, but not necessarily happy, just busy.
If you don't work, you are not so interesting to your partner and they may run off with someone who is. But you have time with your kids and less juggling. Family unit, still not necessarily happy.
If we could find an answer to balance the above, perhaps there were be fewer divorces. Perhaps if partners had more respect for each other - whatever their role, there would be less partners leaving to look for something better.
Let me know if you find the answer.
Leslie in Shanghai

leslie curtis, shanghai, china

I'm all for both parties to a marriage possessing the wherewithal to be financially independent, but I doubt most of the 59% of women you mention above would be any happier if they *did* leave their husbands.

Unless one has developed a loving orientation - the ability to both give and receive love in the true sense - then he or she will be unhappy regardless of being single or married.

Doing the necessary to make love work within the context of a committed relationship does wonders for determining character and advancing one along the path of personal evolution. Indeed, one immaculate German poet described it as our defining moment:

For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
[Rainer Maria Rilke]

Prema, Oxted, Surrey

What do the statistics say. They don't lie unless they are
corrupted .

Ann, Perth,

Again, India, you are so right. My ten year old informed me recently that her best friend at school has planned her life out. She wants to leave school at 16 and "marry a manager" and have lots of baby girls and nice clothes. I tried desperately to stay calm and persuade Jess that her life, and that of her friend, is worth so much more than that, and that rather than marry a manager, how about work hard and become a manager herself - or doctor, teacher, whatever. And that much as I love her with all my heart - having a baby girl should not be, now, her lifetime ambition. I think she understands, at the moment, but what and where will her friend be in twenty years time? And what on earth makes our daughters today still think like that?

Katie, Rochester, Kent

India seems to say "I support the family except when ... ". Children do better in traditional families. That's not opinion - look at the statistics. Single parents are heroic, but not as effective at producing well adjusted members of society as traditional families. I've seen my wife chastising my sons and I can see in a few years she would have a very difficult time if I was not there.

Are all marriages happy? Of course not. I consider myself happily married but on a bad day I think all sorts of unpleasant thoughts. It would not be human not to do so. But it passes. My children are a joy – it would break my heart to loose them. Breaking up would be an emotionally and financial disaster. My life is easier because I’m married. Yet when I see beautiful women I still wonder about what could be.

What does someone like India expect life to be like? Grow up.

Shaun, London, London