As I was saying last week, becoming a parent can be a scary business. If the
child you produce has a disability, “scary” doesn’t begin to cover it. You
can add terror, panic, an overwhelming sense of injustice (“why me?”), rage,
grief, incomprehension and a sense of bereavement because you mourn the
“normal” child you thought you would have even as you get on with everyday
life.
This doesn’t make anyone saintly – the perception that parents of disabled
children are somehow as “special” as their offspring is an irritating one:
you don’t get a personality transplant, nor does the person you have been
until the day your child is born somehow vanish overnight to be replaced by
a Mother Teresa/Florence Nightingale combo. Parents of disabled children are
as normally human as anybody else. We are not saints. But are some of us
sinners?
Julia Hollander, 43, an educated, middle-class opera director who describes
herself as “a capable, gutsy woman”, found being the parent of a disabled
child unbearable. When her daughter Imogen was born brain-damaged four years
ago, she could cope with her for only a few months.
Imogen communicated by screaming and, exhausted and overwhelmed, Hollander
found herself wishing that her longed-for second daughter would disappear.
Imogen’s father, a bearded charmer called Jay Arden, started sleeping in
another room and eating meals separately.
Hollander has written: “One night, rocking Immie’s angry little body back and
forth, I felt myself swing just a little bit further. This is what it would
feel like if I were to smash her head against the wall. It would be so
simple: her soft skull would crush like a boiled egg . . . It is too
horrible, the ease with which I can imagine destroying my child.”
She felt irritation that Imogen wouldn’t - or more accurately couldn’t - smile
at 12 weeks old. Told that Imogen was probably permanently brain-damaged,
Hollander stopped breast-feeding her: “I needed not to be needed any more.”
When Imogen was three months, her mother told the health visitor: “I feel
like I’m looking after an animal.” She asked for help from social services
and was told they’d act only if they believed the child to be in danger.
“She is,” Hollander said and she wasn’t wrong: aside from her head-smashing
fantasies, Imogen’s father had wondered out loud about suffocating his child
with a pillow (“he said he wished she would die a cot death. I said maybe
she would. But no, he said, she was strong - that was how she’d managed to
survive her terrible birth. If we wanted her to die now, she would need
help”).
When the severity of the brain damage was confirmed by a neurologist -
“Strictly speaking, she has no intelligence,” the consultant said -
Hollander felt unable to continue visiting her daughter in hospital or to
collect her when she was allowed home. She and Arden gathered all of
Imogen’s things - the cot, the steriliser, the high chair - “and Jay drove
them to the dump”. When Elinor, the couple’s other child, came home from
school, there was no evidence Imogen had existed (I’m hoping her parents
have started a therapy fund for Elinor).
Social services placed Imogen, then five months old, in the care of a foster
mother called Tania Beale, then 30 and caring for an older disabled girl.
And there Imogen remains. Hollander and Arden are married and have another,
healthy daughter; Hollander sees Imogen once a fortnight. Beale is to be
made Imogen’s legal guardian.
“Sometimes I think of myself not as Immie’s mother at all. I could simply be
the means by which Tania’s child came into the world,” Hollander writes in
her new book which gives a bold - some might say off-the-scale shameless -
new spin to the misery memoir genre.
Interviewed some years ago, Beale said: “We all have different skills. If
parents can’t cope with a child, the most loving thing they can do is make
sure the child is cared for by someone who can.”
I cannot get this story out of my head; I’ve dreamt about it. Even though
every iota of my being feels intense repulsion towards Imogen’s parents’
actions, as the mother of a disabled child myself, I understand - or try to
- how important it is not to sit in judgment. What matters is the child’s
welfare and quality of life and Imogen is now loved and cared for.
Hollander was clearly traumatised by Imogen’s arrival; she was also clearly
grieving, a common reaction, as is wishing that the child would somehow go
away (most people nebulously wish for painless means of achieving this, not
for DIY infanticide, but anyway). Of course some people can’t cope: there
was the elderly woman last year who killed herself after decades of
single-handedly looking after her disabled son, or the father a few years
back who admitted to “mercy killing” his. But Hollander gave her baby all of
five months.
It behoves nobody to kick people when they’re down; and in my opinion
Hollander is a person in pain seeking public atonement by using “honesty” as
a bogus and self-deluded way of achieving it. She is promoting her book,
making money and garnering idiotically misplaced media sympathy for her
“bravery” and “honesty” from people who haven’t a clue what they’re talking
about and care more about the “rights” of women to feel joyous at all times
than about pathetically vulnerable babies. Hollander has returned to her
arty middle-class lifestyle in leafy Oxfordshire with her other “normal”,
photogenic children.
That is her choice but to present it as being in any way “brave” is insane. It
is selfish and self-serving and monstrous. Bravery is picking yourself up
and getting on with it; bravery is the lioness instinct to defend your
vulnerable child with your life – and, if needs be, your sanity. Bravery is
dumping the loser husband who’s taken to eating separately because he can’t
cope. Bravery isn’t pretending that the inconvenient truth never happened.
Tens of thousands of women (and men) go through their lives as parents of
disabled children in a heroic way, every day, without bleating and without
the benefits of a comfortable home, a book advance and a sympathetic media.
It’s not a fashionable thing to say but motherhood is about sacrifice and
duty. It’s about understanding that you will no longer be able to put
yourself first and understanding that there isn’t a personality type that
“copes” with difficulty or disability better than anyone else.
We’re all muddling through as best we can; our reward is anything from a hug
from a “normal” child to the painstaking ghost of a smile from the immobile
face of one who is not. Anyone who feels unable to grasp this should get
their tubes tied, pronto. And Hollander should give up writing books, stop
pretending that everything’s fine and get the help she so clearly needs.
Read India’s blog at timesonline.typepad.com/india_knight
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt through having a child with special needs, it is not to judge other people in a similar boat
As a mother of a disabled child this woman is completely incomprehensible to me. I would give my life for my daughter. And this woman thought about KILLING hers...not brave at all. Cowardly and pathetic. Our children do not exist to give back to us. They are not there for OUR fulfillment.
Ursula Walcott, Philadelphia, USA
You're being very judgemental. Yes, good for you, that you are strong enough to cope with your disabled child. Good for the others.
But some people simpy cannot. They haven't the resilience. Does that make them bad people? No. Just flawed people, who made the right decision in placing their daughter with a foster parent, who is able to appropriately care for her.
I can sympathise with Hollander. However, her public airing of this affair and publication of a book on the subject is pretty reprehensible.
Laura, London,
Well done India. I tire of reading about people like Hollander, who through their own selfish and cruel acts then go into the public arena and expect forgiveness. There is nothing brave about getting the state to care for your 'inconvenience' and then having the gall to then produce another baby whist profiteering from a book and many published articles in order to fund her selfish pampered lifestyle.
carol patricia carew, Bromsgrove, uk
Well done India. We the public tire of people like Hollander who through their selfish acts then expect public forgiveness.She has done nothing brave, she is simply ridding herself of this 'inconvenience' whilst profiteering from her tragic circumstances by writing a book and securing as many published articles as possible, in order to finance and maintain her selfish, pampered lifestyle.
carol patricia carew, Bromsgrove, uk
I, myself have a lovely daughter with severe disabilities, and I cannot understand the mothers decision, however I know not to judge without the facts and on reading the book. This puts me in a predicament on not wanting Julia to profit from her book but wanting to understand how she made her decision. I suppose I will have to wait until it comes out in the library!
Charlotte, Basildon, UK
i too have a child with severe disabilities and I find it quite hard that people who have the fortune not to have any experience about this matter to pontificate about this mother. I do believe that she has not given up her child but has handed the main care of this child to someone who is evidently born for the role.
It makes great copy to criticise her for her choice but nobody knows when someone has their breaking point.
I think your article has some valid points but please don't abuse the power you have to become a militant mother of a disabled child . It is hard enough just keeping the show on the road when the fashion is to parade parenthood as some kind of medal. Whatever you may think I believe this mother has a right to do the best for the child.
To say thousands of parents go through heroically every day , I think it is time to have a frank debate and see what comes in the wake of such bravery, the cost on siblings and partners.
and other family members.
Alison Bovill, Bury St Edmunds, Uk
Are we not really troubled by hollanders decision to write a self serving book, to profit from her decision and to pose with the child she gave up to promote the book.i dont know what i would do in her position- luckily i havent had to face it.I do however find it distressing that Immie should be paraded for photos and publicity and then handed back presumably as soon as she demands attention?
Hollander should have the courage of her conviction and promote her book without the child she rejected.How is this in immies best interests? And yes- who gets the profits from this book?
annie, Haywards heath, sussex
35 years ago, I gave birth to a severely disabled child under difficult circumstances - teenage unmarried mother, completely on my own. I was pressured from all sides to put my child in an institution and walk away. I never considered it for a moment and carried on with my life as best I could. There was a time when I would have condemned this woman but now, older and wiser, I believe she obsolutely did the right thing for this child. Any mother who is harboring fantasies of killing their child should do whatever it takes to get help for herself and her child, even if means walking away. As the author said, we parents of disabled children are not saints - everyone hits a wall sooner or later and needs to ask for some kind of help and respite. Sometimes it is an act of bravery to ask for that help and admit you are only human after all. Condemning mothers who are honest about it just makes it harder for those in need to step forward.
Marie, Ohio, US
"selfish and self-serving" I'll give you, but "monstrous"? seems to me that everyone is better off in this story. to suggest she would have been brave to dump her "loser" of a husband is just so ridiculously misguided, it's a surprise that anyone takes you seriously. imogen isn't going to appreciate the self-sacrifice, nor understand what it might do to the rest of the family.
as for making money out of it (and who knows where the money is going?), are you telling me you didn't just fill a column with this judgemental bitchiness or that we don't all know all about your child? pots and kettles.
parenting is not easy (yes, that's "parenting", not being a mother), even if your child is normal. who are you to say where another person's breaking point might be or to criticise her for having the self-awareness to know her own?
if she needs help (or is smug), you should read some of your columns from a different perspective.
jem, london, uk
jane, you sound like a saint for looking after your own child in difficult circumstances. however, a genuine saint would be a little less judgemental about the inability of others to cope... or even the lack of desire to cope.
why should someone be condemned for not wanting to give up her life, her career, her family to look after a disabled child? she hasn't abandoned imogen (although there are plenty of places in the world where that is precisely what would have happened, some quite close to home).
the number of people making comments, even about the husband, based on little information (and without having read the book in question), is staggering.
since when is any one of you in a position to judge? let's hope no one ever holds you to the same standards.
I'm just glad I've never been faced with having to cope with kind of burden. it isn't fair. nor is it fair to criticise her reaction just because yours might be different.
jem, london, uk
Finally someone who agrees. Julia Hollander is dammed by her own words and it take this lady to highlight it. I find the notion of shared guardianship particularly abhorent - they ship Imogen off at the first opportunity but still want say over her. Julia Hollander has already said that she doesn't feel like Immies mother, more that she was the means for someone else to have a child. If that is the case, why is she hanging on?
I cannot fathom the support this woman has. Oh, and I do understand, word for word the description of Immies suffering is that of my son but I held onto him and he is now 2 1/2. I had to give up work (was a student nurse) and now live on benefits. I have another son who has accepted and adjusted well to life with his brother - I ensure that he has things just for him because of everything the younger one needs. I have never stopped looking for ways to alleviate his suffering and have been rewarded with a child who has far exceeded his prognosis.
Jane, Basildon,
i am totally appalled by this woman who calls herself a mother.i know it must be tiring to cope with a baby who screams constantly.but their is such thing as respite care.whats up didn't this little girl not fit into their perfect life.my daughter was born with a heart defect and had open heart surgery when she was 2yrs old.she is nearly 5yrs old.so don't think i haven't got a small incline what having the healthy child is like.but then to go on and have another child is just a damn right disgrace.bravery is not this woman.when you conceive nothing is garanteed on the health off the baby.you carn't just say oh she isn't perfect carn't have this one.and to do abook well sorry but if your reading this.you are not a woman.you are not brave.brave is my little girl who was in theatre for 7half hours fighting for her life.brave is her brother who came and had to see his little sister in intensive care.brave is men/woman fighting for this country.
ann-marie.doncaster
ann-marie, doncaster, england
Not being able to cope is one thing, but benefitting financially from such an act of abdication is quite another!
The child is undoubtedly better off now, but perhaps she and her carer should reap some reward from the royalties etc. being enjoyed by the neglectful parents?
Terry, Bagneres, France
Oh India, how. true. I take your point about not standing in judgment. But the behaviour of Imogen's father and mother is a total abdication of their responsibility as parents. And then to make money out of it and to be described by halfwitted journalists and commentators as brave - monstrous, selfish and deluded barely begins to describe Hollander and Arden.
Maeve Kennedy, Dublin, Ireland
I would feel sorry for Ms Hollander as she was clearly coping with a very difficult situation with little help. Especially from her unsupportive husband who seems to have absolved himself from all responsibility. However the overwhelming undertone I get from this story is selfishness, particularly from the man, because the child didn't fit into their nice picture perfect middle class life. And yet it is her very middle classness that enables her to turn this sorry experience into yet another 'poor me' book in which we are supposed to regard these weak, flawed characters as somehow 'brave' for tossing their disabled daughter's things into the trash?
I wonder if a mother from a council estate had abandoned her disabled child in a hospital and dumped her belongings would we have the same level of sympathy? I doubt it.
As a society we should be supporting the parents of disabled children to care for them not encouraging them to give them up.
Mina, Leeds, UK
by choosing to write a book about the experience and "go public", juia hollander can hardly expect now to be "left alone".
she is not stupid, she must have known debate would ensue.
and if it raises more awareness of disability issues so much the better.
most of us do not choose to be parents of disabled children - it just happened. some like, Tania, do choose this.
it does offer a "third way" to those faced with, say, diagnosis of disabiltiy during pregnancy - keep, terminate - or give birth then decide if others should care for the child.
and provides an answer to the question i fire back to pregnant mothers who say: "I dont mind if it is a boy or girl, so long as it is healthy".
then I say -" and if it isnt healthy, what then? have you considered what you might do? foster care, shared care, give up for adoption? would it depend on the 'special need'?"
disabilty can happen to anyone, at any time. how any of us will react is dependent on many factors.
Natasha, London, UK
To: Jean Jones, Edinburgh - "But make no mistake, giving up is not bravery. Soldiering on and accepting that this is what reality now is, is bravery. Accepting that the glittering and lucrative career, the model children and the desired lifestyle is not now how things will be is bravery" - OUTSTANDING COMMENT, More people in our society (with far less problems than those of parents with disabled children) should read this paragraph and take it's message to heart!
To: Jo, Los Angeles - " Women (and men) should not have to "conform" to what society thinks they should do" - THIS comment is right at the heart of ALL that is wrong with our society today. Too many individuals live self indulgent lifestyles, unable to maintain relationships, shunning their parental responsibilities or 'dropping out' of employment
simply because they all requires some level of personal sacrifice. These days EVERYONE knows their RIGHTS but many conveniently forget the RESPONSIBILITIES that come with them
Scott, Ipswich, UK
I cannot imagine a more unpleasant read than this woman's book. I will be boycotting it - she doesn't deserve to make a penny out of her vile behaviour.
Sophie, London, UK
"people who haven’t a clue what they’re talking about and care more about the “rights†of women to feel joyous at all times than about pathetically vulnerable babies"
Great article. I feel the above quote sadly summarises the attitudes of both sexes these days.
James, London,
I have seen, second hand (my sister) someone who coped and coped and coped through a child born with leukemia, a child who was born with mental insufficiencies and epilepsy and one that was born with bipolar severities as well as phyisical problems with kidney malformaties; she had one normal child out of four births.
I felt that she coped marvellously on all points, but know that the mental toughness she had to develop left her at times breathless for the normalities of everyday life. I had two relatively normal children, one with coeliac disease. After a horrendous, self-centred divorce, I can now see that some people aren't meant to be parents, no matter how much they long for children. I know there is no exam, no means-testing for being a parent, but doesn't it sometimes require that people make more than a verbal, 20 minute commitment to wanting to father a child?
j, Haslemere, Surrey
It seems like Imogen has sadly become another victim of our consumerist 'throw away' society. Motherhood is such hard work - the mundane domestic routines, the chaos, the noise. Children are not ornaments who can be discarded if 'broken'! They are living, breathing, sensory human beings deserving of respect, dignity and love from the people who gave them life and brought them into the world. All disabled children are capable of human connections, no matter how small or how invisible their reactions may be to an adult mind. A true story tells of blind, deaf and dumb twin babies. The mother was at a loss on how they would communicate/recognise/know her and couldn't see the point in continuing with mothering the babies. It was eventually explained to her that although they could not see/hear/speak, they could certainly communicate through sensory activities, and touch. They knew and needed their mother. What if Hollander had tried similar techniques & changed her own attitude to Imogen?
Victoria, Sydney, Australia
Having had the misfortune to hear this woman,Julia Hollander, being interviewed on Womans Hour (Radio 4) I totally agree with India Knight's opinion.
I, too was disturbed by it and could not get it out of my head.
She was brazen and almost self -congratulatory over her decision to merely "abandon" her baby.(Her words).She was jovial as she explained that she would still retain parental rights over her daughter,not the actual woman who is doing all the caring ,Tania Beale. I urge everyone to boycott this book unless all proceeds are given to the future care of Imogen.This plumbs new depths in despicable opportunism.
Dawn , newport, wales UK
I think it is easy to condemn this lady for what she did, but how many people faced with this situation might feel like doing the same thing? It is never easy to make this sort of sacrifice for a child or an adult, and the only way to make such a sacrifice is to do it willingly or not at all. I see nothing wrong with her making money out of it, if only so that other people in the same situation are aware that there is more than one option. It is after all no different from making money out of being brave and looking after a disabled child or adult. The money is in fact only a red herring. I care for an adult who I am not related to by blood or marriage so I do understand the issues involved and the feelings which accompany such a sacrifice of one's own freedom.
JW, Boston, UK
Helene from Strasbourg - you say it's nobody else's business, but if that's the case then why is Julia Hollander writing a book about it, therefore MAKING it other people's business?
Helen, London,
Leave these parents alone. They clearly felt they could not cope and looked around for a way of keeping their child alive but out of their lives. This was what they needed to do; it's nobody else's business. Not being able to cope with a severely disabled child does not make them evil people. They have another child to consider, as well as their own sanity. We all have our limits, and they had apparently reached theirs. Far better to admit it and act accordingly than to drag out ruined, miserable lives for decades.
Helene, Strasbourg, France
I have read all the comments about your article. I am surprised at how condemning people can be about other people’s situations. I was the mother of a severely brain-damaged little boy who was born in 1983 and died in 1986. This was the result of a very traumatic and mismanaged birth. He did not recognise me or anyone else and he screamed morning noon and night. When he was a small baby I could think of little other than taking him into the garage and putting the hose into the car. I felt we should be together but not in this world. Make no mistake, he was the most beautiful child that ever lived. But I could not look after him. He went to live in a local home for handicapped children when he was 9 months old. This was run by the NHS which gave us control over the management of his care. If a child is fostered, social services are responsible. I did not and do not feel guilty about other people looking after him. The nurses could hold him (the only thing that stopped him crying) all night. I could not do this 24 hours a day. It was better for him and I care not a jot what other people think. I can only do what I think is best for me and mine. The severity of the disability has a lot to do with these decisions and from what I can gather Imogen is quite severely disabled. Her mother probably found writing the book a cathartic experience although I have to say I can’t agree with her making money for herself from it. She could pay for other families to have much needed respite care for their children with the proceeds. I think you have been extremely judgmental India. Every situation is unique.
anon, Bromley,
few years ago a young relative was born and we were told that she would probably die within a day, but if she survived she would be severly disabled. I sat in that hospital and prayed and prayed and rayed that we would have a little disabled child to love and care for. I immeditaly started thinking of all the adaptions we could make to help the parents, and the special things we could do to make sure the child lived their life to the full even though they would always be severaly brain damaged. I could pcture special holidays with adapted scooters, taking her on boats, etc. She died, and I will always mourn her, and the joy she would hav ebrought the whole family. Ms beale is a lucky woman.
anon, uk,
hey India
i was incesed to read your article i do not have a disabled chld and my heart go out to parents who are so brave when faced with adversity but theses parents are so selfish their other children should be monitored by social services and she should be giving the proceeds of this book for the general care of this child
Rachel Busby, goldcoast, qld australia
It is very sad when a mother thinks of her motherhood as a sacrifice. Such an attitude can only harm both the child and the mother in long term.
Robert Havlicek, Prague, Czech Republic
I have to say I hadn't heard this story before reading Ms Knight's piece. I think it's patently obvious that Imogen is in a better place now, with someone who is capable and willing to give her the love and care she needs. But I cannot help but agree with Ms Knight - Ms. Hollander is not brave, she's exemplified the cowardice that so many people faced with the prospect of a severely disabled child must feel at some point. The desire for a healthy, happy and indeed "normal" child goes through everyone's mind at some point, and it would be churlish to claim otherwise or to vilify people for that desire. I cannot deny that the first five months of Imogen's life would have been immeasurably difficult for her parents. It takes an almost superhuman degree of strength to cope with that kind of burden - and many faced with such challenges find the resources to cope. But finding a coping mechanism takes time and effort - neither of which Ms Hollander was prepared to give her daughter.
Helen, Loughborough,
Bravo India. How refreshing to read an alternative to the 'all people who care for disabled children are saints/no normal person could possible ruin their life by caring for their own child should they turn out to be imperfect' rhetoric that surrounds us.
As for giving up Imogen to a nice foster carer, actually Hollander did nothing of the sort. She simply abandoned her in hospital. She refused to go and pick her up (her lovely husband having given her a 'baby or me' ultimatum), and then they took all their tiny baby daughter's possessions and threw them away at the dump (how apt, how metaphorical). Only after all this did Tania (the only true heroine of this story) enter the picture. Hollander did not even (as she admits in her book) want her daughter to be fostered by a loving carer. She wanted her in an institution with 'a roster of trained nurses'. Luckily she was overruled.
Cece, London, UK
I couldn't agree more with your comments and I too have found it impossible to stop thinking about the little girl and the galling attitude of her parents who see fit to present theirs as a story of hardship and strength - not that their journey wasn't a hard one, but they seem to have opted for the easier road when so many dig deep, find true courage and take the harder option, choosing to keep and raise their children. Maybe it's bravado rather than bravery and I wonder whether the mother, in particular, is actually as at peace with her choices as she would make out.
Ashlee McCune, Belfast,
Hear hear.
Let's remember that Ms Hollander and boyfriend dumped Imogen's stuff before Tania was on the scene. She ran from a situation that terrified her. Fair enough. But not brave.
Chris, Plymouth, UK
If they couldn't cope with a disabled child, then that's one thing (however much we may disagree with them). But to seek to make money out of it? I'm appalled. If I'd felt that way and done the things they did, I'd hide in shame and wouldn't tell a soul. I hope the media intrusion they've sought helps comfort their conscience. I pity their children.
K. Jordan, Abergavenny,
Anyone having children in these times is criminally irresponsible...none of them will be dying of old age.
Hugh E Torrance, London, England
Hopefully she has given any rewards such as book royalties etc. to be used for the care of her daughter.
As for the father - without knowing the full story it would be wrong to criticise either party, but the apparent abdication of his role can only be described as cowardly.
However, let us remember that many hundreds and possibly thousands of physically fit and healthy children are put into 'care' by their 'parents' who cannot cope with them.
The neglect of duty is rife, just ask any foster carer!
Terry, Bagneres, France
Human beings have the opportunity on Earth to advance in their spiritual estate.
Having the test of parenting a child with a disability is a huge task but if this responsibility is performed with love then the rewards are eternal.
Greg, Tunbridge Wells, Kent
We live in a selfish society. Old people who are annoying -straight into the Nursing Home. Less than perfect babies detected prior to birth - abort them. Handicapped children who irritate - give them to social services.
We should look after our own, it is our duty, duty seems to be a dirty word these days. Life is not vogue - life is living through good and bad, grief and joys. I write from personal experience.
emma, london, uk
I think the point is not whether Julia Hollander did the right thing for her child, but whether she now has the right to write a book about it - ie make money out of what she did - and whether she should be described as 'brave'. Many parents of disabled children (of whom I am one) would very much dispute the latter. Perhaps, deep down, we're envious that she was apparently able to square it with her conscience when we can't, but nonetheless the bald fact is that she did wriggle out of caring for her disabled child. Maybe that was better for the child, but it wasn't brave of Ms Hollander. And it is absolutely not true, M of Beds, that in modern Britain any parent of a child with that level of disability has to cope alone and without respite. It just does not happen unless the parent actively wants it that way. Disabled children may not get EVERYTHING their parents want for them from their local authority, but nobody is left to cope entirely alone, whatever some may claim.
Jenny Latimer, Dundee,
I too have been unable to get this story out of my head this week. I have not read the book but, from what I can tell from the extracts printed in the media and Tania and Ms. Hollander's blogs, the Hollander's appear to get all the lovely uncomplicated bits of Imogen's life without any of the real hardship, like hospital stays and dealing with seizures etc. Life, with or without a disabled child is just not like this! Since I arrived in "Holland" myself just over a year ago, I have had moments of believing life has been incredibly unjust, to me and me alone. This is not so. In that time, two close friends have had to deal with traumatic news about close relatives. Their lives too have changed forever. Life is about taking the rough with the smooth, for better or for worse, not just giving up at the first hurdle.
Catherine , London,
I have a mildly autistic son and one who was born with a bowel defect (which has since been corrected through surgery), but he still needs extra care. Luckily their problems are not so severe that I can't cope. I don't have any other problems, but I can't imagine what it would be to have to look after a child 24/7 with no respite or hope. Whatever, I think Imogen is in a better place now.
M, Beds,
Sometimes bravery is about not conforming to the pressures of society - particularly when it comes to decisions about what to do with unwanted family members. It's about admitting the monstrosity of those feelings to yourself and being appalled by them. Turning your back on the vulnerable and frail for whatever reason in most cases means facing a lifetime of guilt and crippling sadness. Not to act for fear of the finger of blame is equally horrible.
The middle aged, the sandwich generation, are the first to have taken the advantages of post war independence, but this came at the cost of family life. Now adults themselves, they live in an era of increasing hatred for the young. Family has been deconstructed at all socio-economic levels leaving many empty of a sense of responsibility. Imogen is better off, so is Tanya, so is Hollander. We don't need to blood to be family in the greater sense, so where's the problem?
Isabella, London,
Would someone explain who pays for Imogen's care and basic necessities. Also, what would have happened if the third daughter was born with serious health problems? Would she also be in another's care, and a forth child on the way?
I do not have a disabled child, but my brother had severe mental problems, and greatly changed the dynamic of my family and my upbringing. I do not think the option of having my brother raised by other people was available to my parents in the 1960's.
Gretta, Edinburgh, Scotland
Would you rather have little Imogen turn up up dead either accidentally or intentionally from some form of neglect or God forbid abuse? I don't agree with some of Ms. Hollander's methods (such as removing all of Imogen's belongings when she was given up to foster care), but she did what is best for her and her family. She recognized her weakness and inability to cope and care for Imogen right away and did something about it before something terrible happens. And I commend her for this. She doesn't pretend to be something she's not--a brave lioness that can sacrifice ALL for her young. Women (and men) should not have to "conform" to what society thinks they should do and in her case be the mother that she know she cannot be to Imogen. And it's not like she gave her away to some horrible state mental hospital, she gave her to a lady who felt it was her life's calling to take care of disabled children.
Jo, Los Angeles, United States
Bravo. As the mother of a severely disabled son of 17, I agree only too fervently that nobody wants to be the parent of a disabled child. And there cannot be a parent of a disabled child who hasn't, at the start, just wished the child would disappear and everything could be 'normal' again. Most parents of disabled children get past that with time and experience, not because they are saints, but because they just somehow find it in themselves to do so. There are some who don't cope, and of course the safety and happiness of the child is what must be paramount, so in some cases fostering may well be the answer. But make no mistake, giving up is not bravery. Soldiering on and accepting that this is what reality now is, is bravery. Accepting that the glittering and lucrative career, the model children and the desired lifestyle is not now how things will be is bravery. To claim that removing the obstacle, as we'd all, at some time, like to do, is bravery, is rank and sickening hypocrisy.
Jean Jones, Edinburgh,