India Knight
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The only good thing – well, the only not completely terrible thing – about the abduction last week in Boston of seven-year-old Reigh Mills Boss by her father, Clark Rockefeller, is that father and daughter are said to get on famously. Rockfeller was arrested last night and his daughter was found in a nearby apartment.
Stateside neighbours in New Hampshire may describe Rockefeller – he and his ex-wife are American but were based in London; they have property in both places – as “phoney”, “odd” and “weird as the day is long”, but Aileen Ang, a friend who was paid $500 by Rockefeller to drive him and his daughter to Grand Central station in New York (she believed he had been granted custody), said last week that the little girl, known to her family as Snooks, “was happy playing in the back. She was actually saying, ‘I love you too much, daddy’. He would respond, ‘I love you even more’. So it was kind of, I thought, normal”.
Others have also commented on the fact that Rockefeller “dotes” on his daughter and was devastated when he lost custody of her last year. Before the supervised “contact visit” (such ugly, depressing vocab) in Boston last Sunday during which he kidnapped her, he is said not to have seen Reigh since his divorce from her mother last December. The couple had been married for 12 years and moved to London after Reigh’s mother, Sandra Boss, took up a job here as a partner at the management consultants McKinsey & Co.
Boss put out an appeal on US television last Friday. She said: “Clark, although many things have changed, you will always be Reigh’s father and I will always be Reigh’s mother. We both love her dearly and have only her best interests and wellbeing in our hearts. I ask you now, please, please, bring Snooks back.”
I’ll just detour for a minute to say: this particular story may be played out in public, with City salaries and grand jobs and properties on two continents, but a small version of the events plays itself out every day in more modest circumstances, with desperate and loving fathers being denied regular access to their children through nothing more than maternal spite.
It can unhinge them. There is no suggestion that Boss was remotely spiteful but the same can’t be said of every divorced woman. I know two lovely men, brilliant fathers, who adore their children but are prevented at every turn from seeing them regularly because their vindictive ex-wives still smart from being dumped. The court orders may grant access but court orders can’t force people to be in when they say they will be, or to open the door.
Quite what these women think they achieve by behaving in this way is a mystery. It seems extraordinary to me to put your own grievances ahead of your children’s emotional wellbeing; it is a form of emotional abuse and the child is always the victim. Not being the world’s happiest spouse doesn’t give you the right to become the world’s most appalling parent.
Anyway, Rockefeller: rum cove, to say the least. He gave the impression that he was part of the Rockefeller oil dynasty, indicated that he was a man of independent means, claimed he had been to Yale (he hadn’t), told his neighbours that he wearied of his personal chef’s rich food (“I’ve just about had enough confit de canard”), claimed, variously, to be engaged in secret work for the Pentagon and to bea mathematician, and a physicist, and hinted at “vast reserves of old wealth”.
When someone asked directly whether he was a member of the Rockefeller family, he said: “Maybe I am; maybe I’m not.” According to evidence used in the divorce case, Boss also discovered that her husband used a string of aliases; Clark Rockefeller was his most consistent name but he also asked people to call him Michael.
Michael Clark Rockefeller was indeed a member of the family behind Standard Oil; he disappeared on an expedition to New Guinea in 1961. It is possible that our Rockefeller assumed the identity of the missing man. The police have been unable to finda social security number for him and they cannot unearth his true identity. They described Rockefeller as a “ghost” who appeared to have laid a trail of false clues as he planned the abduction of his daughter.
The mystery is: who would marry sucha man? Boss is described as a City “super-woman”. She went to Stanford and Har-vard Business School and then worked on Wall Street for Merrill Lynch (she met her future husband during this time). She was also an aide to New York’s mayor, Michael Bloomberg. She was one of the top people at McKinsey’s Boston offices before being transferred to London. She and Rockefeller are believed to have married in 1995. After Reigh’s birth, Boss carried on working and Rockefeller became a house husband; he was apparently very good at it until the couple divorced.
Career powerhouses tend not to shack up with other powerhouses; they think it’s too stressful, too unsoothing, too frantic; there's never any down time. Men have known this for ever, hence the smiling, fragrant housewife. But women powerhouses are a relatively recent development and still struggle to get it right. They often just end up marrying bores or weirdos, safe (they think) in the belief that at least their marriage won’t be nightmarishly competitive and that it comes with built-in childcare.
This arrangement, I have observed, works only up to a point, the point being the one at which the man walks. It isn’t simply to do with emasculation, although that’s always a factor, but rather with the fact that having a house husband requires high-achieving women to create, and sustain, dual personalities: one for the office and a domestic one for home that pretends to be interested in what the other mummies said at the swings and wants to cook dinner instead of checking the markets and is never too tired for sex, even though she got up at 5am.
Any marriage built on fraud is ultimately headed for disaster: in the Boss/ Rockefeller case there was an embarrassment of half-truths. And, as ever, there is only one victim of such lies and power games: little Reigh, aka Snooks.
Scatty showers
Tourist authorities in Devon and Cornwall are complaining that inaccurate weather forecasts are putting people off visiting their counties for weekend breaks. Humphrey Temperley, a Devon county councillor, said last week that forecasters were “unnecessarily depressing” and ought to think about the impact of their doom-laden vocabulary. “It's the opposite of the Life of Brian,” he said. “It’s: always look on the dark side of life.”
He has a point. Are weather forecasts ever accurate? The sophisticated, up-to-the-minute one on my computer told me it would rain every day of last week. Bar a couple of 20-minute downpours, London was practically tropical. I went to Paris on Tuesday (I wish the French end of Eurostar would sort out its check-in procedure; it has the feel of 1970s Albania, with queues to match) with a mac in my suitcase, having read that it would rain pretty much solidly for the duration of my stay. Rain came there none: Paris sweltered in boiling sunshine.
Weather forecasts should occur only when there is a freak storm or biblical downpour on the way; in all other instances they are a waste of time. So what if you’re in Cornwall and it rains a bit? The view’s the same, the sea’s just as amazing, the fish is as fresh and if you wear a wetsuit you can still go surfing. It’s rain, not nuclear fallout. Wear a hood and be done with it.
India Knight was born in 1965. She lives in London with her three children, writes a weekly column for The Sunday Times, and a weblog, Isn't She Talking Yet?, on bringing up a child with special needs. She has also written two novels, My Life on a Plate and Don't You Want Me?
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"...having a house husband requires high-achieving women to create, and sustain, dual personalities: one for the office and a domestic one for home..."
So, India, "high-achieving women" face the same problems that men have always had. But, unlike working men, they have your sympathy.
Tom Welsh, Basingstoke,
How can "lovely men" "dump" their wives and still be wonderful fathers. my grandchildren are in this position - living with their doting mother while their father went off with another woman. My grandson (5) says Dad didnt just leave mum - he left me too .Well he didnt take me with him.
janet, preston, England
I was shocked by the number of assumptions made by India, in what is usually a funny and interesting column. Firstly as I understood it the father gave up his fight for custody during the divorce in exchange for not having to prove his ID, secondly that a career women cant also be a great mother?
Hannah, Brighton,
Why is a caring Dad villified in this way this caring Dad who's only crime is to seperate from his wife suddenly becomes a criminal a fugative and all the good years before seperating gets forgotten. Even his ex-wifes 'fake' empassioned appeal did not sujest any harm would come to there daughter
Dave Farmer, Broxbourne, England
In this case, a man gave up his career to become a househusband and bring up his daughter. When his wife dumped him, she somehow got custody.
Reverse the sexes for a moment. There is no chance that a woman who gave up her job to become a housewife would lose custody of her children.
Katie, Leatherhead, UK
Who would marry a woman named "Boss", there's a warning sign there lads!
Tim, Dundee, Scotland
Kate G sounds like another dumped wife to me. I do wish that people would realise that it is rarely the fault of one partner alone when a relationship breaks up.
John T, Troche, France
Spot on. Mother (ex wife) who prevents father from seeing his child always plays with fire. Soner or later child will start asking certain question and investigating about dad as a part of growing up process. What if child discovers that what mum kept telling about dad might not be true?
Cath, Washington, D.C.,
is really history
richard bawman, new york, usa
India's usually funny, and often insightful, but I found this piece intrusive and spiteful.
They're not celebrities. They haven't traded their souls for fame. They don't deserve to be trashed like the numbskulls in hello.
Back off. They're non-combatants.
Redcliffe, London,
Para 5 says it all for me as a caring Dad who has had his kids witheld for 11 months for no other reason then spite. What long term harm is caused to children who are deprived of their Dad.This is with all social workers with all their faults not suggesting I should be subjected to this torture!
Dave Farmer, Broxbourne, England
A complete aside to the main column but I always laugh when a Brit writes about being in France. There must always be a snide comment about how the french are screwing up one thing or another.
The french always comment about terrible British cooking even while talking politics or transportation
Adam, Toronto, Canada
I actually feel sorry for the Rockefeller chap. Who cares if he told a few lies? Who hasn't?
What counts is that he has been a good father. I'll bet his daughter wasn't traumatised by the "kidnapping" as she was raised by him and probably rarely saw her full time working, socialite, mother.
Jo B-T, London, UK
Classifying all men in a divorce as evil is rather one-sided; I think Ms Knight makes a better point here. Is it better to stay married and argue constantly in front of the children, or to separate and have two harmonious environments for them? Only if the woman in question will allow, it seems.
David, Swindon,
Whatever your opinion of the 'lovely men' who 'dumped' their wives happens to be, India Knight is right - a wife's (perhaps understandable) grievance against a former spouse doesn't make it OK to prevent a father from visiting his children.
Ruth, St Leoanrds On Sea, UK
Wives are in reality far more likely to dump their husbands but we would not even consider because of their actions they should not see their children. So why the bitterness and contempt for husbands who dump their wives? Children need both their parents.
Jeff B, Weybridge,
I agree with Kate G. 'Two lovely men who dumped their wives.' What an oxymoron. There is little worse than abandoning a woman who has often set aside her own career to invest her time in bringing up children. I am rather shocked by India Knight's statement.
Ben Bisley, Bedford, UK
This man cannot bear to lose one bit of his property, ego and control. These types are unsuitable to have families. How can he be brilliant if his fathering involves abduction followed by life on the run. Totally selfish would be my definition. There are many other devious characters just like him.
Colin, Cambridge, United Kingdom
It is a pity most couples discover they cannot cope with their relationships before &/or after they have children & are too weak to confront the problems. It can only lead to the kind of desperation we see in cases like the Rockefeller dad.
ian cheese, london, uk
Women and men should be aware that they should plan to invest 20 years of time between them before having a child. A Child arrives with hefty time and money tags. A child needs both parents, a child-caring partner alone is not enough. High-achieving ambition? Forget kids.
Simon, Manchester,
So India Knight knows "Two lovely men, brilliant fathers, who adore their children" and who "dumped their wives". Actually, it appears that they dumped the mother of their children, broke up their family and no longer live with their children. Not so lovely.
Kate G, London , UK