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From The Times

March 22, 2008

I want to be a saga lout

At a time when fun is being squeezed out of life, the over-55s need to buck the trend

Janice Turner

Deep in the bowels of Whitehall a government warning panel has exploded in a spasm of flashing red lights and whoop-whoop sirens. Quick, scramble the press officers, issue the admonishments. Somewhere out there, people are having fun! And it's not the usual suspects: the “toxic” teenagers or those feckless women bingeing away their looks and fertility. Can you believe it's the oldsters, the over-55s, boozing it up on holiday - never-ending bloody holidays! - when they should be down the garden centre or picking out Per Una cardies in fetching shades of beige?

This week the Foreign Office paused from its missions in Tibet and Darfur to warn us that “older travellers... drink more alcohol while away than they would in the UK”. Besides this startling revelation, with its implied debauchery of aperitifs, wine with dinner - every single night! - and, who knows, nightcap cognacs or queasy-coloured local stickies, was the news that “20 per cent of 55-plus holidaymakers try activities they would not contemplate at home”.

One begins to worry if the FO has any handle on why people travel abroad at all. Do they think we schlep through all that security just to replicate our dreary workaday lives in better weather? Perhaps ministers and civil servants like to emulate our tireless PM with his holiday pile of inspiring biographies. But the rest of us are gasping to be, for a few blessed days, someone new, a wilder, more carefree soul, pulled free from the cotton wool of risk-averse modern life. And it should be no surprise that among the keenest bungee jumpers, jet-skiers, paragliders and hill-trekkers are the over-55s.

They are finally liberated from the tyranny of family holidays, the hourly swabbing of tots with sunblock, the listless soul-sapping evenings in over-lit kiddie-friendly restaurants, sitterless weeks in resorts stuffed with people just like you, because here it's safe and bland and hygienic and they'll warm your baby's bottle without fuss, where in 24 hours a couple might snatch a half-hour of adult talk or a guilty quickie in the en suite because your whole tribe sleeps in one sexless family room.

No wonder when all this fretful care is over, when your reproductive usefulness has expired and life is a little more expendable, you start living it again. The holiday horror stories collated by the Foreign Office - “My husband was rendered incapable with drink”, “I had a motor scooter accident” and “I suffered a massive gout attack” - are meant to alarm over-55s from ever leaving their deckchairs. But I'd guess the fit, bright-eyed, adventurous Saga Louts I know will fall about at this hilarious and patronising parody of their lives, then boggle at the Government's profound misunderstanding of what it now means to be old.

As I walked to the shops in foul weather this week, the sight of an elderly man in a gabardine overcoat and trilby filled me with melancholy that this variety of old person will soon be extinct. Dying out along with the sensible-shoed lady in church hat, the weekly shampoo and set, plastic rain hoods, tweed caps, pipe tobacco and tinned fruit. My parents' generation with their stoicism and gratitude for the simplest care is soon to be replaced by more bolshie and entitled oldies who, one feels, won't go gentle into that good night lying in corridors on hospital trolleys. Not without the bitterest fight.

And those in late middle age now are a uniquely golden generation, whose pensions will provide for a pleasant lifestyle - 70 per cent of Britain's richest people are over 55 - squeezed between the frugal elderly and my own generation, who will need every iota of our ISAs for deposits on our kids' homes or else never winkle them out of the family hutch. These new old sods won't potter about like Foggy, Compo and Clegg, lamenting loveless marriages and getting whimsical about might-have-beens. They divorce rather than endure a miserable final act, keep it up with Viagra, go on gap years, refuse to wait in rocking chairs for their self-absorbed offspring to squeeze out a grandchild.

A friend's mother aged 70 has announced she isn't cooking any more: she's bored of the tyranny of meals. Perhaps this explains Delia's conversion to cheat's cuisine and the old folks you see in M&S gleefully vacuuming up ready-meals. They've served their years at the stove and sink - let Auntie Bessie peel the spuds for a change.

And the new over-50s are the last generation of guilt-free bon viveurs. Last month at a dinner party in which my husband and I were a decade younger than other guests, we snuck off lamely back to our babysitter at midnight, sober because we'd driven to avoid the hassle of minicabs, and left behind the sound of glass-clinking, cheese-scoffing smokers, who were settled in for a long and raucous night.

These days it feels reckless just to spread your bread with butter. A half-bottle of wine a night, surely the foundation of civilisation and sanity, amounts, we are told, to middle-class binge drinking. We're being “targeted” by government anti-drinking initiatives. You can ignore the ministerial funsuckers, but it's too late, their needling, mimsy warnings play on a loop in our heads.

We long for a time of innocence when no one knew the risks. The success of the American drama series Mad Men owes less to its witty explication of the 1960s advertising industry than its vignettes of behaviour now as bizarre and verboten as bear-baiting. Look, a pregnant woman drinking and smoking, a man driving home after a few vodka gimlets, some flagrantly pissed adults in charge of children. Similarly, the movie Charlie Wilson's War was most enjoyable for evoking an age when a congressman could drink Martinis in a hot-tub full of strippers without having to beg God for forgiveness. Denied adult vices, we are reduced to voyeurs.

And so all you over-indulging oldsters, listen up. Don't make assumptions because Foreign Office Minister Meg Munn rhymes with No Fun. She just wants you to consult a doctor before booking a holiday, reminds you that “drinking and staying too long in the sun can make you ill” and “snorkelling after a large meal can put you in unnecessary danger”.

Hell, I'm not even 55 yet and I worked those out on my own. I'm just puzzled by the shocking fact that “more than one in ten older travellers does not follow the same safety advice they would give to their children”. Because isn't that the best bit about being a grown-up?

I really don't know how i survived. I think I've had my fill of thrills and spills from the bits I remember and am told about. Well into my sixties now ,I would like to settle quietly, thank you, and leave others to their geriatric bungee jumping. I do agree, though, that advice to drink less or eat healthily to those with a few years left is unwarranted. I am told I may die of a heart attack. Good. The alternative is to drool out an existence in whatever they call old folks' homes nowadays, driven mad by endless Beatles' songs, no doubt, as reminiscence therapy.
So you youngsters in your fifties, live it up before your knees give out.

Brian H, Nantwich,

So do I.

Henry Percy, London, UK

Well, I've already read the advice about middle-aged women and alcohol and poured myself another large glass of red wine to elp me ponder the dangers. At my age (52) my mother took litle exercise other than pottering round the garden, and dressed in sensible, appropriate middle-aged garb. She would be horrified to see people of her age then (yes, me included) in jeans and "younger" fashions, still doing what they enjoy doing, be it sky-diving, jet-skiing or whatever takes your fancy. And why not? What is a holiday for, and why should we not do what we're fit enough to carry on doing if it harms nobody else and doesn't scare the horses?

Sarah, Bad Liebenstein, Germany

I am retired and live outside the UK 10 months a year. I am currently trying to fix the last 2 months by selling up in the UK. I manage to have a bottle of wine with every meal but seldom spend more than 10 Euro for the entire thing. The streets are clean and free from yobs. The taxes are considerable less and the services much better. I am surprised the entire population of the UK don't go on a permanent holiday and leave the politicians and civil servants, that are bleeding us dry, to actually do some work instead of running the country (into the ground).

tony wood, London, UK

Yes indeed Janice Turner. Those of use over 60 are probably the last generation with the courage of our convictions. And we won't be bullied by this Government. All around I see despairing copycats, who have lost the will to think for themselves.

It used to be a mark of immaturity to want to follow the crowd. Now it is the height of ambition.

It is not about Government 'nannying'. It is simply about their determination to exercise ideological control.

And, since when did the sinister phrase 'changing behaviours' enter our national lexicon, without once being challenged?

Time someone wrote an article about how Britain is the new communist state.

Mrs L Thomas, Newton Abbot, UK

Amen to that!
I took-up snowboarding six years ago when I was 50 and have not looked back. It just gets better.

Bill, Hatfield, Hertfordshire

20% of people do things on holiday they don't normally do. you don't say! I can't think why they don't go parasailing, water-skiing, snorkelling on coral reefs or snowboarding for the rest of the year when they are in Birmingham or Leeds.
As for people drinking more when they are on holiday and don't have to go to work, well, what a surprise. Do these clowns think that people going on holiday and averaging more than 1 pint of Stella a day (7 pints of Stella at 3 units =21 units, the laughably low recommendations these nincompoops adhere to despite it being dis-credited) are indulging in some hedonistic sort of behaviour?
Perhaps the FO should ask foreign bars to apply shorter hours to British tourists as, despite what some people laughably call 24hour drinking we are still open for less athome than any other European country. Perhaps they could make arrangments for us to be served a cup of hot cholcolate before we retire to bed at 10 leaving the rest of the night for others to enjoy

James Buckingham, York,

Oh how I wish I possessed an instantly acerbic tongue when some wretched snivelling tic of a barmen (who was dressed like one of the Dandy Warhols) asked me whether I wanted a straw with the bottle of wine I had just ordered.

David, Southsea, UK

I try very hard not to nag my two sons (19 and 17). I pointed out the potential 'dangers' of reckless behavior a few times when they were about 14-16 and then trusted them to make sensible decisions. Funnily enough, they have!

On the few occasions when perhaps I reinforced a message a little too much they put their hand in a Stop position and said 'talk to the hand, the face isn't listening.' Whilst I admit it's slightly rude, I got the message .... and even did it back to them on occasions.

I wish this Government would get the message. The more they nag, the less we listen. Ms Munn, Gordon and the rest of the NuLabour killjoys 'TALK TO THE HAND - WE'RE NOT LISTENING.'

Donna Walker, Effingham, Surrey

The attitudes of most people are usually of the bandwagon nature: young people have fun, middle-aged people are responsible, and those over 55 have to take things easy. It's sickening. As a mid-forty, I'm one of those who'd be described as having a mid-life crisis because 2 years ago I finally got a motorbike licence, and because I still have the same ambition I had as a teenager of owning a Lotus. But, hey, guess what - we old farts have likes and dislikes, too; we, too, have needs and wants. But unlike youngsters, we've put them to one side and spent most of our adults lives being 'sensible' and 'responsible'. Once we've got these proper, mature, government-approved, commitments taken care of, why shouldn't we relax and enjoy those things we've EARNED! I think I too will give the government the 'V's and emigrate.

Dave, Cheshire,

It won't be long before I start getting junk mail from Saga, but my attitude is:

If you manage to get all the way to 20 without discovering the real sources of enjoyment in life, I pity you. if you manage to get all the way to 60 without discovering the real sources of enjoyment in life, I pity the people around you.

You only have to watch a few episodes of "A Place in Greece" to find out the kind of wrinkly narcissistic spoilt brats we're talking about here.

Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK

I am a mere whipper snapper at the age of 45, however I will never bow down to these ridiculous Government directives, I'll go out kicking and screaming thank you very much.

I don't need a nanny to tell me that might not be safe, it won't be long before they give us all a curfew and tell us what time to go to bed.

As a single parent on a fairly low income I have only just started to travel abroad, the Government might be horrified to hear I went to 4 different countries last year and plan the same this year.

What ever your age go out and grab life, have fun. If fun involves a whole bottle of wine a night while you're on holiday, drink it down guilt free.

You're a long time dead, live life to the full for as long as you can live it, if you sit around too long it'll sneak up behind you and take while your wishing you'd done more with your life.

This current Government is contemptible in it's desire to control every aspect of our lives whilst leaching money from us in any way it can.

Sarah, Nottinghamshire, UK

These are the same old people who moan andcurse the young they are the perienial Hypocrytics

YOU know them they come home and give evry one a hard time complian and generlly make a nuisance to young and old but condemming our right to PARTY ...tell them to BEHAVE or DONT come back!!!!!!!!!

Harry, Manchester, New Hampshire

Denied adult vices, we are reduced to voyeurs.
Well said! Congratulations for an article that really scores a bullseye!

Ray Massart, Hombeek, Belgium

My wife and are 55, educated and comfortable. She is in Tamil Nadu for 4 months nurse training before moving to the Himalayas as part of a medical team. She is also a beautiful and sexy size 10, not a matron.

Ihave just returned home to Holmfirth: home of Foggy, Compo, et al, after a snatched 5 days diving in the Andaman sea.I go again for a week in May and in between I am learning to ride as well as visiting my wife in India.

I am also about to start a new business venture rather than cruise into retirement.

It's a wonderful life and, sorry Gordon and I do not feel guilty.

Before I rage at the dying of the light I will continue to fill each unforgiving minute with race well run.

Pete Townsend was wrong we want don't want to die before we get old

No pockets on a shroud.

tom payne, Holmfirth, England

Just you wait for the 'Rave' generation to hit middle and old-age! You ain't seen nothing yet! There's still hope for a global revolution in them body-jacking, glo-stick waving, bandana sporting, grey-haired gurners! In fact, don't be surprised if gurning becomes the global sport of the future seeing as so many millions have now been practising throughout their adult life!

Guy Stevens, London, UK

Hey, Tim Sanders, how much is the property where you are, Mate. I'm 65 and you sound like a wise bloke.

JohnT, Birmingham, UK

What doesn't surprise me is that the comments made about this piece, being written by people of mature years, are amusing, elegantly phrased and contain no spelling errors.Contrast this with the customary rants written by readers who are unable to spell, construct a sentence or distinguish between an adjective and an adverb, yet who seem to be the sole arbiters of how British society should be constructed.
I too, have emigrated, with an overwhelming sense of relief.

Stuart, Hesdin, France

Right on!! In Australia governments have the same mindset. Next month we are off to cruise the Rhine & Moselle and later this year we are cruising Alaska with Canadian friends. Doesn't everyone have a bottle of wine with dinner? I'm 72 and I'm sick of being lectured by do-gooders, environmentalists and those who think life should end when the OAP starts.

Peter Bashford, Tweed Heads, Australia

Absolutely right, says this man, who is The Youngest 64 Year Old In The World. This Government has wrecked the country but they are NOT going to wreck my enjoyment of what I see as the Time Of My Life - and what's more, I do know how to enjoy myself without endangering or frightening others. Its that funny concept known as " Experience ", which is lacking in the personal lives of the so-called Key People in Government overall, together with any element of that Magic called " Fun ".

Is it surprising I emigrated last year - For Good ! Bah !

TIM SANDERS OBE, Riviere Salee, Martinique French West Indies

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Janice Turner

Janice Turner joined The Times in 2003 from The Guardian, and writes mainly, but not exclusively, on family matters and women's issues. Her column appears on Saturdays