Village Fete

Dante’s new hell: my work canteen

I wasn’t the slightest bit surprised to hear last week that Currys has seen a big fall in profits. Of course it has. It’s ironing board...

Oi, get your hands off my lap dancers

At least a lap-dancing club brings a bit of individuality to a town, a bit of a respite from the endless chain stores

Swim with sharks — it’s easy money

When Boris took over the Greater London Authority, the gravy train for lunatics was halted

It’s just a dumb animal, Mr Oddie

Time and time again, nature presenters portray dolphins as bright. But compared with what - a table lamp? A lobster?

Argh! I’ve fallen into a speed trap

The Hay literary festival, in essence, is a competition to see who can dream up the most idiotic way of cleaning their teeth

I was assaulted by a Japanese loo

The Japanese economy is in a mess because all their top people are stuck in their bathrooms, unable to wipe their bottoms

Feed them, or they’ll slash all the seats

Why can’t someone open a restaurant in the provinces that serves bread, cheese, Branston pickle and some onions?

Pricking science’s silly sausages

If you believed everything these scientists say you’d never dare get up. You’d be terrified that a tomato might turn you into Joan Collins

I’d rather hire a dog than a prostitute

You get those furry chops to stroke and the big brown eyes and the gentle farting noises as it lies by the fire

Potato heads are talking rot on food

Can a potato really cause every polar bear to suffer an agonising death, crying for its mother?

Time to save the world again, lads

Every invention that has ever mattered in the whole of human history has come from a man in a shed in Britain

Ruck off, you nancy Aussies

In Australia they are trying to change the laws of rugby so that it becomes more like ballet

Join me in a saucy oath to Britain

We’ve gone for a thousand years without an oath so why the bloody hell do we need one now

Oi, shoppers – that’s my petrol

A cauliflower does not need its own Michael Jackson-style oxygen tent. It will not run off if placed on a shelf naked

Bleep off, you’re driving me mad

I don’t give a fig about aquatic tortoises or astronomy. All I want is a bit of peace and quiet

Skiing through the pain barrier

Skiing is combines acute discomfort, butt-clenching embarrassment, mind-numbing fear and a light dusting of hypothermia

Give it up, Hamza – you’re too ugly

The main reason the war against apartheid was won is that Nelson Mandela looks good on a T-shirt