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Jeremy Clarkson: No, I won ’t wear a tiara, if it’ s all the same to you

The dress code for life has become more casual in recent years - and that makes perfect fashion sense to me

Now there’s a first – my elephant has just exploded

Every mountain has already been climbed, which is why, nowadays, you need to reach the top of Everest in the nude to make waves

Save the photos - not that they're worth it

The novelist and his peers’ current penchant for confessional memoir threatens to obscure their literary achievements

Letting beavers loose in Scotland is dam foolery

I have this advice for Scotland’s eco-ists: don’t try to manage nature. Embrace it. Make it a part of you. Eat it

I’ll be right there, Sir Ranulph – must conquer the sofa first

If I got frostbite, I’d whimper and wait for the doctor. Fiennes broke out his saw and did the job himself

Okay, you’ve got me bang to rights – I’m a secret green

If the eco-ists would only shut up, I wonder if the sound of their droning would be replaced by the sound of normal people fitting solar panels

Change before we all gag on the fabric of British life

Woolworths was a terrible shop, selling awful things that even ghastly people didn’t want to buy

Gordon the ass is stomping over everyone’s pets

The sort of socialism being practised now by Darling and Brown ultimately kills people’s dogs

What a difference now I’ve stopped drinking fish fingers

The first problem is finding something as enjoyable as wine. Water is useless because it’s liquefied lettuce

It’s pure hell in the mountainous Cotswold region

You’ll be busy ridding your garden wall of slogans urging you to free up property for the glue-sniffing locals

Stand still, wimp – only failures run off to be expats

Stay where you are and face the music, even if it’s the gristly, gooey sound of your fingernails coming out

You’re a bunch of overpaid nancies – and I love you

Why should anyone be held up by match traffic just so some thugs can watch a Brazilian man falling over?

I’m starting divorce proceedings in this special relationship

Obama gave Brown a DVD. Which smacks of an “Oh, Christ. What shall we get him?” moment at the petrol station

Class A cocoa, the powder of choice on my crock’n’roll tour

We decided to see who could throw a girl the furthest down the swimming pool. I picked the lightest but sadly, I felt my back go

I dare you to visit Johannesburg, the city for softies

It’s the least frightening place on earth, yet everyone speaks of how many times they’ve been killed that day

Come quick, nurse - the NHS is going frightfully green

Lunatics are running the NHS and their suggestions for the future of healthcare are extremely alarming