Watch Out

Call me a spoilsport but I’m glad my dad wasn’t a lesbian

Banning a lesbian from parenting would be as cruel as banning someone because they had an interest in golf or had ginger hair

We’re all too cross to play by the rules

Referees are a very strange bunch of people that no one ever sees outside the confines of a footballing ground

Get me a rope before Mandelson wipes us all out

It’s no good putting Peter Mandelson in a prison. I’m afraid he will have to be tied to the front of a van and driven round the country...

I’ve got a solution for the rainforest: napalm the lot

We’re told that an area of rainforest the size of Wales, or the Albert Hall, is cut down every day, and that may be true

Cleverness is no more. This is a dumb Britain

Monty Python is apparently not funny because they delight in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse

I’ve unscrewed the top on a ticking bomb

It turns out there has been a nuclear bomb in one of my kitchen cupboards, between the tomato ketchup and the Rice Krispies

Up to the waist in Brown’s slurry on my new farm

People here assume I’m going to turn my farm into a racetrack. They couldn't be more wrong

Mad Johnny Baa Lamb is here to save the pit bulls

Women with frizzy hair and disappointing breasts would say all inevitably could be solved if violent video games were banned

Forget Antigua, 007 – all the real action is in Acacia Avenue

Not one of Britain's secret agents has ever successfully fought a shark or garrotted Robert Shaw on a speeding train

Jeremy Clarkson: Donkeys get all the breaks

Have you ever tried to move a donkey when it wants to remain stationary? It’d be easier to move France

What’s the Canadian word for ‘lousy care’?

Britain’s health service might be a monster we can barely afford, but it pales against what I saw in Quebec

The OAP mods are bashing the wrinkly rockers

You lavish all your care and cash on a parent and all that happens is they get worse and worse

Let's all go out to the village show

City dwellers argue that village shows are popular because country folk lead dreary lives. But I am a city boy and I love it

We Brits need more land

As the population grows and farmland is built on, there will come a time when we all have somewhere to live. But bugger all to eat

Stop, you’re digging an early grave with that garden trowel

Anyone who says there is light at the end of the endless laborious tunnel is leading you up the garden path

One word and my T-shirt offends the whole of Japan

An unfortunate photograph confirms my belief that I should keep this particular type of attire tucked up in the wardrobe for good