Iconic Films

Join me in a saucy oath to Britain

We’ve gone for a thousand years without an oath so why the bloody hell do we need one now

Oi, shoppers – that’s my petrol

A cauliflower does not need its own Michael Jackson-style oxygen tent. It will not run off if placed on a shelf naked

Bleep off, you’re driving me mad

I don’t give a fig about aquatic tortoises or astronomy. All I want is a bit of peace and quiet

Skiing through the pain barrier

Skiing is combines acute discomfort, butt-clenching embarrassment, mind-numbing fear and a light dusting of hypothermia

Give it up, Hamza – you’re too ugly

The main reason the war against apartheid was won is that Nelson Mandela looks good on a T-shirt

Why government busybodies should leave our land alone

Will they arrest someone for replacing the front hedge with a horrid wall made from upended crazy paving? No? Why not?

First, fairy cakes – then welding, kids

Teaching cookery is a great idea. Rhubarb will become the new crack. And the only thing those new school gate metal detectors will find is a cheese...

It seems it ain’t art if it ain’t ethnic

It seems that to get funding these days what you’ve got to be is black or mad or preferably both

This has been my perfect week

All the harebrained schemes for renewable energy are popular among Britain’s beardies only because they don’t work

Clear off, nitwit - I’ll rebuild this hospital

A damaged railway line causes people to be late for work. A damaged hospital may well cause people to die

Unhand my patio heater, archbishop

If Rowan Williams really wants to bring peace and stability to the world then I urge him to close the Church of England

Our poor bloody backroom boys

It's grey, freezing and a shipment of 2,000 cases of cockles has just arrived - spare a thought for our soldiers this Christmas

Enough, I’m gonna torch my antiques

No matter how wise an antiques dealer looks, you always think he'll make a mistake and sell you the Ark of the Covenant for £350

Make my day, sir, shoot a hoodie

Children, as far as I can see, are at liberty to do just about anything to one another at school because there is absolutely nothing the teacher can...