Jeremy Clarkson
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The news last week that olive oil, Marmite and porridge cannot now be advertised during television programmes aimed at children confirms something I’ve suspected for a few months. There’s a revolution going on in Britain and no one seems to have noticed.
When the French and Russian proletariat rose up against the middle and upper classes, they made a lot of noise and used pitchforks. Whereas here the revolutionaries are using stealth and a drip-drip-drip policy of never-ending legislation.
It started when they let ramblers trample all over your flowerbeds and then, of course, there was hunting. We know that the antis couldn’t really have cared less about the wellbeing of foxy woxy, but they hated, with a passion, the well-heeled country folk who charged about on their horses shouting tally ho.
Then came the attack on four-wheel-drive cars. “It’s the environment,” they smiled, but it’s no such thing. Otherwise they’d be up north taxing people with clapped out Ford Orions and telling fat people in council houses to get out of the chip shop and lag their bloody lofts.
No, they go after Chelsea Tractors because these are symbols of middle-class success. You have to remember that trade unionists and antinuclear campaigners didn’t go away. They just morphed into eco-mentalists because they realised that global warming was a better weapon than striking, or doing lesbionics for mother Russia in Berkshire.
Think about it. They tell you not to go to Tuscany this summer, and they throw withering looks at the Ryanair flights to Gascony. But when Kentucky Fried Chicken starts advertising a bucket of supper with disposable plates and nonbiodegradable plastic cutlery so you don’t have to get your fat arse out of your DFS sofa and wash up, do we hear a murmur? You can cup your ears as much as you like but the answer is no.
Instead we get Ofcom listing what it considers to be junk food and therefore unsuitable for children. Chicken nuggets? Plain white bread? Oven chips? Diet drinks? Nope, along with a lot of oven ready “meals”, these are all fine apparently.
But Marmite, porridge, raisins, cheese and manuka honey? ’Fraid not. This is what middle-class kids eat so it’s all wrong, and now it can’t be advertised on television in the afternoon.
Meanwhile you have John Prescott insisting that each new housing development can only get a planning green light if it “spoils some Tory bastard’s view”.
It gets worse. Ken Livingstone has not extended the congestion charge into Tower Hamlets or Newham. Nope. He’s gone for Kensington and Chelsea. And we learnt last week of plans to turn Sloane Square, the epicentre of middle-class shopping and conviviality, into a tree-free crossroads.
I’ve checked and strangely there are no plans to build a new road through the statue of Harold Wilson in the north’s equivalent of Sloane Square — George Square in Huddersfield.
There are, however, plans afoot to give Janet Street-Porter and others of a Gore-Tex disposition access to a 10-yard-wide corridor around all of Britain’s 2,500mile coastline. So you worked hard all your life and saved up enough to buy a bit of seclusion by the sea? Well sorry, but Natural England, a sinister sounding bunch, has advised Defra, which sounds like something the Nazis might have dreamt up, that your garden should be confiscated and that there should be a “presumption against” giving you any compensation.
You see what I mean. On its own, that’s no big deal. But lob everything else into the mix and it becomes clear that traditional Britain is under attack. It’s porridge and Jonathan Ross’s back garden today, but tomorrow Mrs Queen will be transported to Scotland and summarily shot. You mark my words.
I bet the chief executive of Barclays agrees. He announced last week that the bank had made record profits, and was probably feeling pretty chuffed, right up to the moment he was summoned to a television studio and presented as the unacceptable face of capitalism who goes round the countryside at weekends stamping on puppies.
I felt it too on Thursday, because for reasons I can’t be bothered to explain I was in London with a Rolls-Royce and no one ever let me out of a side turning.
Why? As I’ve said before, Simon Cowell, who is a rich man, gives the exchequer more each year than is generated by all the speed cameras put together. If you combined the tax contributions of all those who have Rollers, I bet you’d have enough to pay for Britain’s air traffic control system.
And that’s before you start on how much Britain’s rich do for charity. Last year a bunch a hedge fund managers raised £18m in a single night to help Romanian orphans. At one party Lady Bamford’s mates stumped up £3m for the NSPCC. And I had lunch on Thursday with a chap who, so far as I could tell, single-handedly looks after every disadvantaged child in the land.
And yet, when he climbs into his Bentley to go home at night, a bunch of communists and hippies, egged on by faceless former Greenham lesbos in government think tanks, makes sure he can never pull into the traffic flow.
Not that he’s going anywhere anyway, because Ken Livingstone has taken £8 a day from middle-class Londoners and given it to a crackpot South American lunatic in exchange for cheap oil, which means the capital is choked with buses full of Bulgarian pickpockets fleeing from the police.
I notice this morning that the blossom is out on my trees. And yet, somehow, it doesn’t feel like summer’s coming.

Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.
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Peter Hitchens thinks we'll all be saved if we become religious (tell that to the abused children the Archbishop of Canterbury is currently apologising to) and David Cameron seems to have, finally, changed his mind about hugging a hoodie to combat crime on our streets. Tony Bliar is trying to secure the last of our liberty before he goes (good riddance) and other Labour ministers couldn't speak to a group of the voting public, who wanted to discuss the opening of a probation house for paedophiles near schools, because they were "too busy". The Red Cross don't want to be seen as a Christian organisation and a 10yr old boy was cautioned by police officers, at his home, for calling his best friend 'gay'. His best friend told his mum.. who complained to the police... who promptly called round and cautioned the boy. If they'd have been burgled they'd have just got a crime number!
You really can't make it up!
Philipa, Middle, England
Well Jeremy stop complaining and do what I did, come and move to Vancouver. Canada is more British than Britain and thats the truth. And their loads of room for the roller with fuel not being that expensive either.
You can still have your Queen and eat it oops I mean cake ;)
David Aspinall, Vancouver, Canada
for gods sake Jeremy, stand as an independent Parliamentary candidate.
simon mawdsley, london, uk
Is this ten yard corridor round the coast when the tides in or out?
G Pat, Warsaw, Scotland
Imagine this....
Dr Jezza and his good friend Adrian Gill decide to form a political party devoted to making this country great again, banning political correctness, getting rid of speed cameras, banning lentil botherers, banning the service charge in restaurants, and upholding the right of everyone born in this country to live free from state intrusion, and do whatever they like in the privacy of their own homes, including the right to shoor any council tax snooper who comes for a nose around in hope of raising your council tax ever higher. JC AND AA FOR PARLIAMENT!!! I'd vote for them
Karen Mc, Skelmersdale , Lancashire
As a man who hails from Birmingham (well, Worcestershire anyway) I have every reason to despise Mr Clarkson and his forthright views.. But he is, let's face it, the only person in Britain who talks sense (even if he is sometimes a little garbled, what with that tongue in his cheek and all).
I would congratulate him on another fantastic commentary on this sceptic Isle, but I fear he will be doing far more interesting things on a Sunday, than reading us lot!
Mark, Birmingham, UK
Jeremy, please start a new party. You'd be elected no sweat...
Brian, Horley, Surrey
Thanks again Clarkson, for making me question -- even if only for a few minutes -- all of my social and political values.
Jesse Robertson, Melbourne, Victoria Australia
But in a sense Simon Cowell does GIVE to the exchequer. Just because he earns more (and has been more successfully) why should he proportionally have to pay more to the government. In effect, by his success he is actually supporting the rest of us. So we're now sponging off the rich... Sure we complain about the taxes we have to pay but that's nothing compared to those with more money!
Bob, Bournemouth, Dorset
Well done JC like you I suffer from constant harrassment in respect of the land that I own which borders a harbour.Not content with a right of way the thought police at Defra now want total access ie they are trying to steal my land. How come I am not a victim? Every other minority is and as a result we have to pander to their every whim. And how come in this Blair democracy those who are most affected are the least represented. I feel like putting corregated iron over the windows and running away. Do they have this problem in Hull?
ray nottage, Wessex, U.K.
I was never born with a silver spoon in my mouth like Mr C. Also he is not someone i particularly like to meet, but i can't help but agree with most of what he says.
There really is an anti success thing going on in the UK as a whole, if you want to see how that pans out just look north to scotland where we have size one men/women in size 10 jobs and a desire to punish success.
no wonder burberry do a roaring trade to the chav's
Billy, Edinburgh,
The trouble is, Jeremy, that the lumpen proletariat have been given the vote. Not unnaturally the working classes use it in ways that are expedient to them and not the middle classes who employ them. That has nearly always been the case. What's different now is that a whole section of the middle class (the Poly Toynbee generation) themselves now vote Labour. They do this out of a miss-placed guilt for a British Empire they are too young to have actually experienced. So foxy-woxy's hunters are the hunted, the Greenham lebos decide on Trident's replacement, and Gordon Brown is able to shoe-horn himself into the top job as though he were a Prince of Wales in waiting. What's to be done? Well for starters people like you who come from the north should go back home and vote against Labour. That at least might give the Tories a sporting chance. But there again, with lefty-Cameron at the helm, it might not change things anyway. Perhaps you should just enjoy driving your Roller while you can.
Adrian Gilbert, Tonbridge, England
What's excellent about this is that if you ever read Brendan O'Neill's columns in The Guardian or on Spiked, he always says that the environmentalists' campaign against 4x4s is based on class hatred...of the working class. See, according to O'Neill, 4x4s aren't driven by middle-class people at all but by working-class people who've earned a bit of money. Similarly, the campaign against short-haul flights is a campaign against working-class people taking holidays in Spain. And then all the stuff about having nutritious school dinners is an attack on working-class people who like turkey twizzlers.
So there you go...are environmentalists motivated by hatred of the working-class or of the middle-class?
Hey, maybe it's neither - maybe they're just concerned about the environment. Now that would be weird, wouldn't it?
Elisabeth, London, UK
Pollution is something which is not desirable given the facts that we have been given on global climate change. Is it such a bad thing to break the link between wealth and carbon emissions? Should the goal of every rich person be to accumulate things that they dont necessarily need? Is it wrong to target excess? (fat people should be targeted both rich and poor fat kids dont eat porridge)
Wealth targeting is most certainly happening, however, perhaps it should be remembered that there is more to Class than simple finances. Education is by far the biggest advantage the higher classes have over the lower so why then do they act so childishly in the face of such blatant facts.
This seems to mark the start of a growth industry. How do you show that you are successful without polluting the environment. Zorbe balls are pretty expensive, maybe we will come full circle foxhunting requires one horse power right?
Danny Draper, London,
Regarding the extended congestion charge zone, I read that the car owners in the new zone get a rebate as they are residents and now, instead of paying £8 a day to go to work, it costs them £4 a WEEK.
Nice one Ken, Prescott couldn't have done it better!
Harry Kennard, Peasmarsh, East Sussex...UK
so should we have Tory back now? : )
David, Manchester,
why dont we send kenlivingstone to alabama usa ecomony class / one way only//
pauline muir, glasgow, scotland
As usual, absolutely right. No one's going to listen, because they all dismiss you as either just a motoring journalist or as a mad right-wing twit. It's a shame because out of all the people writing at the moment you're one of the most spot on. Although they could be refusing to listen because they know it's true, just in denial now someone's cottoning on...
Eva, York,
Since New Labour has been in power top executive salaries have risen 38%. Workers salaries have risen 3.7%. The gap between the rich and the poor is greater than under any Tory government. I have not had a salary increase for 5 years because my company do what the government tell them to. We 'scruffy poor' (actually I'm a Line of Business Manager for a large corporation) are fed up with the pigs at the trough lining their pockets. It is nice, however, that some of them care enough to dispense some crumbs: But most rich people use tax avoidance methods anyway. I like you Jeremy, but cannot feel much sympathy for the privileged. The poor don't want charity handouts they want decent salaries!
Alan McThredder, Southwick, England
To hell with the middle classes; by and large, they're a waste of space. As is motormouth...
Philip, Edinburgh,
Being one of the handful of people that have actually walked around the coastline of Britain (see The Times, 21.11.89.), I can confidently tell you that a coastal path around the entire country just isn't needed. It's just another insane idea that needs to be dropped. The sooner the better.
Why not spend the money on something that actually needs to be done? How about fixing the water supply problem so you don't need hosepipe bans in a country where it's perpetually raining? Or perhaps on a clean energy solution? Reforestation? Or better still, reopen some casualty wards so that people in Scotland don't have to wait hours for an ambulance! Do something useful with the money, for heaven's sake!
Summer is coming, out here in China anyway. I think I'll stay here and enjoy it.
Mark, Hong Kong,
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