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From The Sunday Times

March 11, 2007

Bullseye! The pub is dying

Jeremy Clarkson

Good news. It seems that the centuries-old tradition of being forced to pop down to the local for a pint and a game of arrows with your mates is coming to an end.

A survey of regular pubgoers last week found that only 10% had played darts in the past year, compared with 41% five years ago. Better still, four out of 10 men in their twenties had never played in their lives and a similar number had no idea what a bullseye is worth.

I loathe darts. You settle down with your mates for a bit of a chat and a few drinks and then one of them suggests a game. Why? Why do I want to spend my time in the pub, standing up, doing maths?

Darts is a game for people who can’t make conversation, or who are so bored by seeing the same faces night after interminable night that they have to do something apart from talk.

We’re told that Henry VIII was a keen darts player and I can understand that. Because he didn’t have a PlayStation and he needed something to take his mind off an alarming collection of sores that were multiplying in his underpants, I can believe that throwing some shortened spears at the bottom of a beer barrel might in some way be deemed entertaining.

When syphilis became less popular, I can still see how darts might have flourished. You’d come out of t’factory with t’lads and there was no point going home because the bog was at the bottom of t’garden and half your children had rickets. So you may as well go to t’pub.

But now, anyone who can’t think of what to say to their friends while in a pub can spend their time texting other friends who aren’t there. Even that is better than bloody darts.

Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m not very good at it. My ability to hit the treble 20 is governed not by hand-eye coordination but by the laws of averages and probability. Mostly, I fail to hit the board at all, or the dart bounces back and pierces my shoe. And then I’m expected to stand there, with my foot nailed to the floor, trying through a fog of pain to deduct 17 from 263.

Some people call this a sport. Rubbish. A sport is something that requires specialist clothing whereas all you need to play professional darts is a loud shirt that you don’t tuck into your trousers, a stomach the size of Staffordshire and an idiotic nickname.

They’re all called “the Viking” or “the Viper” or “the Assassin” when in fact they should all be called “the fat bastard who hates his wife and kids so much he’d rather spend his evenings throwing arrows into a bit of bristle with his fat and disgusting friends”.

Show me somebody who likes playing darts and I’ll show you a social misfit with so much worrying imagery on his hard drive that if it were ever discovered, the courts would lock him away for a thousand years.

That’s why I’m glad to see it’s dying out and that pubs are replacing their oches with abstract art and bits of furniture from Conran. But you know what? I won’t really be happy until the pub itself has gone.

People, normally those who have their own arrows and can get breaks of 50 or more in snooker, lament the passing of what they call “the rural drinking pub”. They paint a picture of traditional England with low ceilings, horse brasses, a fire and people from the village gathered around to swap stories over a pint of handmade beer.

“Mmmm” you might think. But the reality is that you have to stand up, the beer’s got twigs in it, the landlord is a psychopath, you can’t hear what anybody is saying, the fire’s too hot, you can’t stand at the corner of the bar because “that’s where Jack stands and he’ll be in in a minute” and if you inadvertently spill someone’s drink you’ll be invited into the car park to do pugilism. Oh, and the only cigarettes in the dispensing machine will be Lambert & Butlers.

Often, these rural drinking pubs serve a selection of sandwiches and pies, but for nutritional value you’d be better off eating the little blue tablets in the urinals.

Then you have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal. Show me a man who married a girl he met in a city centre drinking pub and I’ll show you someone who’s made to wait in the loft, playing darts, while she entertains lorry drivers in the front room.

Of course, these people would sneer at what they call gastropubs but I don’t see why. In a gastropub, nobody has their own tankard, nobody will throw a dart into the side of your head, there are no biker chicks who want to rape you, especially if you have a lorry, and there will be a chef who, sometimes at least, has a clue what to do with food.

Your darts player would poke his nose into such a place and then leave in disgust because it had arugula on the “menu” and it was playing a chillout CD.

What’s wrong with that? Moby is a better listening experience than the descant of a beeping fruit machine set to the bassline of some old bore in red corduroy trousers who’s regaling the landlord with a story from the golf course and keeps referring to Mrs Bore as “the wife”.

We shook off the culture of strikes, chilly winters and Michael Foot and now we must shake off the spectre of the pub and all that it stands for: darts, bar billiards, bores and beer with the consistency of engine oil. Mine’s a Bacardi Breezer.

I love darts and in my team we have only one fat player and only two of us hate our wives.

Paul, London, England

so jeremy are you saying that yo do like pubs and that you do want them to carry on living or that you hate them and you want them to die out and all of the publicans and loyal pub customers to suffer?

david bellsey, newquay, cornwall

That is one of the finest articles i have ever read. Im nineteen years old and i couldnt agree more with everything that was said. Good riddance to clicky groups,locals,stereo types,matcho men and football fans that find it acceptable to scream every single swear word they can think of at the referee while normal people try and have a sociable conversation!

Benjamin Little, West mid, England

Bacardi Breezer? What happened to being a manly man?? God, don't tell me your becoming a nancy boy - drink a real man's drink!

Jam, Mount Gambier, Australia

When I was last in "mother england" I coyuld not agree. There was an overbearing sense of malice in the "local" I frequented (Aussie, does not help!) anyway, I live in Beijing and there is a bar called SANGRIA in chaoyang, which is everything you could hope for, judging by the article. Great food, cheap drinks, football AND NO DARTS!!!

Struan, Beijing,

Much as I hate to agree, pubs should be banned even if it only reduces the chances of an encounter with Barrie or Freddy, no wonder the empire was lost !

Padraig Cullinane, Waterford, Ireland

Oh Jeremy, my future husband - you're breaking my heart! I'm a biker chick, but please give me a chance!

Natalie, Cambridge, UK

Barrie,

Why am I not surprised that your name is Barrie?

Richard, Hong Kong, Hong Kong

I think that smoking in pubs shouldnt be banned but there should be different areas.
Also it is there own choice if they wish to sit in pubs all day long getting fat.
Darts isnt a sport it is more if game-like most sports.

Freddie , Basingstoke,

Darts is a good way to test if you are sober enough to drive home! Highest score is the designated driver.
I mean seriously, why not play darts in a pub, it's more social than sudoku that's for sure!

Jeremy, Wellington,

I invite Mr Clarkson to turn on his tv on a Thursday evening and watch Sky Sports coverage of the darts Premier League. Huge arena's are filled to bursting point with people eager to watch this 'dying' sport.
OK, so most of those people are just the sort of drunken louts that are best avoided but the point is that darts has never been so popular.
The real beauty is that virtually anyone can play. Old, young, fat or thin anybody can have a go.

Barrie Tritton, peterborough, cambs

Outrageous! Mr Clarkson, sir, you are a cad!
I had a friend who loved playing darts, so I would join him for companionship. A conversation killer, if ever there was one. I would, however, disagree with the diatribe on pubs: Here in the Workers' Paradise, we only have crappy, atmosphere-free bars, whose customers are usually bored-looking locals and miserable-looking expats. A small bottle of beer costs nearly 2 quid. A bottle (pint) sunk at home, in the company of my darling wife, costs 10p, with unrestricted access to fags (at 27p a pack). Despite the ridiculous prices, though, I really, really miss a decent pub, with decent (humorous) conversation. Hold the prawn cocktail.

Nick McGine, Wuhan, China

bring back topless darts i say!!

brian, Glasgow,

Jeremy,
What on earth did James May do to prompt this riposte?

Anony, Oxford,

Now pool that's a proper pub sport- especially the endless arguements on whose coin it is on the table which always lead to being smacked in the mouth with a pool stick...superb

Timmy, Geelong, Australia/Victoria

Sounds like a bit of James May's heaven, doesn't it?

Christine, Ontario, Canada

A Bacardi Breezer eh? Oh dear. I didn't know JC drove an MX-5.

Dave, Stanford, Kent, UK

Jeremy Clarkson is the Bard of the 21st Century

god Bless him

j0hn, Kingswinford,

Not sure what the problem is here.
Beer + people = ok combination.
Not always perfect, Jeremy, but then what is?

David White, cardiff, UK

I agree pubs are/were a nightmare - someone asked me why I decided to live in Italy - no pubs, no vomiting in the streets, no punch ups, no kebabs, no fat birds with squeaky voices and legs like hoover bags - cheers mine's
and pint of industrial muck and packet of prawn flavoured crisps engerland!

neal, bologna,

There's a pub in rural Kent with a sign that simply says WE DON'T SELL LAGER.' That implies a lot of other things without causing offense.

JC stay on TG but get into Westminster as well..

Brian, Horley, Surrey

Princess Mary of Denmark met her prince in an inner city pub in Sydney.

ben, Sydney, Australia

Anybody buying shares in pubs prior to the smoking ban is in for a nasty shock. I went in a pub in Ramsbottom at lunchtime and every customer was smoking. Where will they be after the ban ? At home where beer costs 50p a pint and peanuts by the truck load from any discount store. Heaven.

wadey, rossendale, uk

I found myself in front of a pub in York a few years ago with a note on the door noting that inside one would find no:

Jukeboxes
Televisions
Darts
Pool tables
Children

Instead, I found fine local beers, including a commendable IPA, and wonderful conversation. Rural or otherwise, my idea of worthwhile evening and a pub that should be, but isn't, emulated elsewhere. Liz, can you remind me of the name? I may find myself there in May.

I no longer recall why I thought the above belonged in this thread, but everyone else is going off on tangents and I don't feel guilty at all.

Geoffrey Langlois, Madison Wis. , USA

It seems that most of the postings complaining come from obviously rather humourless individuals in the former colonies...

lighten up chaps.

Otherwise we'll get a tirade next week about humourless individuals from former colonies which will doubtless make most amusing reading but will probably put an end to the special relationship.

As my (Italian) girlfriend would say "fly down baby". If anybody knows what it means answers on a postcard...

cuffleyburgers, Lucca,

Graeme , couldn't agree more, except, if darts were pointless, they wouldn't stick in the board!

Keith, Guernsey,

I was going to try and contribute something else, but now can only add: "Indeed, James of Sydney, indeed". May I say though that it will be not an inconsiderable loss to many people of all genders, creeds, whatever, if Jeremy no longer hosts Top Gear. I do not think the BBC realises what they have in the man, if, of course, that is the case. Thank you timesonline for our regular access to him.

Rupert, Somerset West, WP

This from a man who has a eulogy to "hot driver" Jensen Button on his page. I thought Jensen was about 12, Jezza, so you should probably tone it down a little before you get into trouble...

Phil Spector, Bristol,

Well said Jeremy - what a star that man is. He is one of the funniest coumnists ever. Long may he write and keep me and many others chuckling - all power to you Jeremy and I couldn't agree with you more, both about darts and pubs!!

Jenny, Rye, East Sussex

Clarkson must be laughing himself hoarse at all the idiots who've read his article and then jumped in telling him that, no, actually, you're totally wrong becuase they / their husband used to be a professional astronaut and is an ace darts player as well as not being fat at all and having 2 lovely children,so there. Seriously, get a grip. If he wrote boring stuff that was nice all the time no one would bother to read it. Just because this week he's had a pop at your little hobby you see fit to cry and tell everyone about your life, which I can guarantee nobody reading this cares about in the slightest.

Sounds like lorry drivers have fun though.

Dave Dartsman, Northern Exile in London,

Now he is leaving Top Gear (sniff), we have a potential new Chingford Skinhead. If he doesn't stand for Parliament and sort the toadying muppets out in the Commons, he should be ashamed of himself.

Clarkson for PM !

JD, London,

I agree with James from Sydney. People need to get over themselves and stop taking everything so seriously - C'mon people!!!

Admittedly Bacardi Breezer is a bit of a chicks drink but given the choice of drinking one of those at a modern, up market / trendy cocktail bar and drinking something as common as a beer with the consistency of engine oil at a dingy hovel aka "the local pub" I would opt for the Breezer 10 times out of 10. These days people are drinking "designer" drinks and going to "designer" places (in their designer jeans) where they have flat screen TV's and things like waterfalls in the bathrooms.

As for darts, well it is pointless really. People who play darts professionally can hardly be called athletes. Darts was cool in the 80's when Rick Astley was at #1 but times have changed... and for the better

Graeme, Johannesburg, South Africa

Top comment. Top man is clarkson.

Jonny Turner, Lincoln, UK

lol. You certainly seem to have raised the ire of the dart-throwing-simple filk mr Clarkson. Well Done!

In pubs like taht over here, they dont throw darts, but fight instead. That is our sport...

Richard, Wainuiomata, New Zealand

WHY does everyone take this article so seriously! Anyone who knows him in the slightest knows that these 'outbursts' of his are not to be taken personally, and it just happens to be his style. All he is doing is speaking his mind. And unless you are a communist, there is certainly nothing wrong with that. Lighten up everyone and read between the lines. All he is saying is that he personally prefers a nice posh modern pub to a smoky old one where people play darts. For me, I like having the choice between the two. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions no? This just happens to be the finest reading for people open to different opinions. Funnily enough thats why this section of the website is labeled 'OPINIONS'. Did nobody notice that?

James , Sydney, NSW Australia

uh..kevin...if u dont like cars then what the hell are u doing in the jeremy clarksonn section???

SRM, Kolkata,

What a load of claptrap

Dave Travers, Okehampton,

What Utter Toss. Iam a dart players wife, The Vipers as mentioned in the article. Iam very offended by this article 'They’re all called “the Viking” or “the Viper” or “the Assassin” when in fact they should all be called “the fat bastard who hates his wife and kids so much he’d rather spend his evenings throwing arrows into a bit of bristle with his fat and disgusting friends”.
My partner is not fat, nor is he a bastard. He does not hate me or our two year old child and he does not spend every evening playing darts. He does it as a living and is at home everday being a house husband while Iam at work.
Darts is a social sport which I also enjoy and have many friend from all over the country who we meet up with when we are at competitions. He has no idea how darts players or their families live their lives so he should not comment on us. I am very disappointed with the Times for letting this dross go to print

Claire Stainsby, Hartlepool, England

Where is this pub? I like chicks with thighs like tugboats.

Rose, Blue Island,

As a journalist I would have thought that maybe you would only write about things you know about and / or understand. Having read this article i can see that this is not the case. Darts is one of the greatest sports in the world - however it always seems that those that cant play it, or are indeed rubbish at Darts are the ones who are quick to judge. Our sport has a 13 times worls champion in a field of thousands of quality players, including growing interest from countries the world over. I know the chances of you reading this are slim to none but your knowledge of sports doesnt seem to flatter you. There are millions of peopl all over the world trying to save or game from disappearing from pubs and then there are people who sit and make ridiculous comments on it. For the record i play the proffesional circuit and havent thrown a dart in a pub for a number of years. Have a nice day

Kelvin Hirst, Warrington,

clarkson ill play you best of 5 x 301 for a beer m8

then can u test drive my metro ,it hasnt been serviced or taxed in 5 years,the bumper is held on with gaff tape

darts is a great game ,good laugh ,dont sterotype it ,its a sport these days

LOOK OUT FOR BARRY FRENCH a new dart talent who will take the world by storm

john roe, birminghAM, uk

Are you ever happy mr clarkson and why belittle something which others enjoy as much as your cars which i for one think is equally mind numbing and holds absolutely no appeal to me whatsoever but you wouldn't understand that of course anymore than i as a dart player would underatand your obnoxious comments.

Kevin , Caterham, Surrey

I could grow quite fond of the morals of the girls in city centre drinking pubs.

Maybe I should visit England more in the future....

JK Hansen, Copenhagen, Denmark

Whaaat??? Whoever finds this article offensive must be an old bore! I don't know why they've put a comment box at all.

Vlad, Manchester, England

I wonder how much of this article was written as a riposte to James May...

Imnotgoing Togiveyoumyname, Hull,

I play darts as a hobby away from work, along with playing poker! However I share the sentiments of the smoky pub, beer with the consistancy of engine oil etc.

I also play on the professional circuit, however I have to say that playing darts properly takes a lot of skill and concentration - look at Phil Taylor and Raymond Barneveld, they may well have bellies on them (Taylor on a fitness regime btw!!!) but they have such accuracy its untrue. They are greats in their chosen field.

I'm sorry to say that the stereotype that you portray, mr Clarkson, is one from the 1980's in the Bristow/lazarenko/Evans/Rees era where you wore nasty coloured trousers, smoked fags and drunk pints till the cows come home. Those days are moving on at the top level.

At pub level the game will die out when the smoking ban comes in - leaving the dedicated individuals who play to a good level to enjoy themselves.

I have mates but that does not mean i am a loner because I play darts.

Barry French, Birmingham, England

hope he does leave top gear fo women's hour on radio four. Then he will have the audience he deserves. How about some cars for a change, and what they actually do. a whole show in america and one about a reliant in space. not even funny.

bill riley, lancaster, lancashire

Ahem....

Bacardi Breezer, as anybody knows, is made out of second-hand little blue tablets from the urinals...!

As for Moby...pah...!

What's wrong with a little light ELP...?

PS: You're standing in my space at the bar.

Jack, A.N. Rural Pub,

Dude, Obviously you have only played darts once, and it has scarred you for life. I am 6'0" 195 lbs was not too long ago an all star track and field and cross country athlete, am an 8 handicapp golfer, am carrying a 4.0 GPA in nursing school and happen to love Darts and play several nights a week. The real problem in this world is that everyone has something to say about everything and most of the times it isn't something good they are saying. You have obviously spent a whole host of time at the pub with your little friends talking the night away most likley ribbing on everyone and everything you can think of from your safe little shell. Darts is about self mastery, besting oneself and dedication. Don't worry though, i'm not mad at you, people like you make me feel good about myself. ;)

Matt, Utica, NY

There is something about paying too much money for warm beer and staring out at the emerging fog that makes a person feel decidedly British. Those are the things that people buy into isn't it? Rain, beer and straining an ear for that west country accent that accompanies the fragrant scent of cow. It's what we sit at work dreaming of, the frosty pint that turns out watery and warm, but still so worth it. It's a comforting part of our national identity, I'm proud to be an alcoholic dart player with legs like tree trunks... well, I'm not really proud, but I would fight like I was if anyone asked. It's tradition and if England doesn't have that then its just a wet piece of land hell bent on consumerism and bird flu.

Liz, York, UK

There would be a large amount of credence to what you have written, ONLY, if you knew what you were talking about. Obviously darts has struck some kind of a chord with you, or you wouldn't have wasted your "Precious" time commenting about it.
My opinion is, your jealousy runs deep, as you can't play and don't understand the game. Just as you have your opinion, so do I.

You should do MORE research into your subject matter. If you had, you would find that the stereotypical dart player is also a thing of the past! If I were to lower myself to your level of thinking/writing, I could find fault with anything also.

I happen to be a dart player, NO tattoos, NOT an alcoholic, 6'3" 200lb build (Note: NO BEER BELLY!) with a degree in architecture. I'm sorry, that kind of blows your theory and idea of what a dart player is....
Dart player in the SPORT of darts!

Jon Douglas, kalamazoo, Michigan

I went to a rural pub with my ex-girlfriend once to watch herfriend partake in a darts match....in one game both the ladies playing were on a double 1 to finish and it took them 20 minutes before one of them hit it. I forget which ladie won, by that time i was more concerned with the growing numbness in my buttocks from having to perch on the edge of a chair as this particular pub only seemed to cater for 5 people. Give me a nice weatherspoons anyday of the week.

Ryan Neville, Banbury,

Clarkson, you are funny as hell and the only reason I would buy the Sunday Times. Which I don't because I can get it on line for free. (and it's too expensive in the sunny Canarys, thats for all yo schmucks who haven't got out yet).

Phil, Las Palmas, Spain

What is it with those blokes who wear red corduroys? There's also sub genre who wears the jumbo cords in a gold yellow colour inevitably matched with the checked/tweed coats. They usually have flushed red cheeks and thinning hair and speak in a braying voice that is part goat part aristocratic in-bred. I woa Thompson sub-machine gun ( I know how important tradition is to these chaps). Does this make me a bad person?

The Boy Johnny, edinburgh, of mnid

There are only 3 sports - hunting, shooting and fishing. The others are all games.

Duncan, Rye, Sussex

I agree about the whole darts thing. Also played by women with suspect tattoos & haircuts, but you are wrong about rural drinking pubs. You haven't been wrong since 1984, so let's get to a pub & drink to that!

JezzaBelle, Somerset,

My neighbour called the other day. "Let's go down to the pub and watch the footie on their giant screen," he said. Like a fool, I went with him, even though I'm a Sky Sport subscriber. Oh, the footie was on okay, if you didn't mind the smoky atmosphere, everybody shouting at once, being buffetted from behind every time something happened on the pitch, three people arguing in loud voices in the corner and some fat idiot standing in front of the screen half the time. At half time we gave up and went back to my place where we sat in comfort, drank decent beer from the fridge and my wife made cheese sandwiches.

Roy, Trowbridge, United Kingdom

Well Jeremy looks like you will be going green and saving the planet instead of spending lunch down the pub. Yes you can now de-clutter your boot and slow global warming.

howard white, driffield, e yorks

Dammit - I just, last week, bought some red corduroy trousers

eric, harrogate, uk

Where exactly is this pub with the 'biker chicks'? For research purposes only, of course!

Nick, Witney, UK

I thought you'd given up smoking!
(nowt to do with me)

Geoff, Birmingham, UK

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Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.