Can you imagine the horror of being able to read other people’s minds: to find
out what they really think about you? Well last week we were able to do just
that, as 15,000 hoteliers from all over the world explained exactly what
they thought of the British.
We harbour a cheery notion that Britain and its people are a shining beacon of
hope and goodness to the dirtier and less well educated. We assume that when
our glorious island nation is mentioned, people all over the world imagine
us going to work in bowler hats and volunteering to be out in a game of
cricket, way before the umpire has actually made up his mind. When they
think of us, they think of Kenneth Kendall reading the news on the BBC. In a
tie.
’Fraid not. It turns out that mostly, they think we’re arrogant, badly
dressed, untidy, loud, drunk and nowhere near as much fun to have around as
the Japanese. It turns out that hotel staff in Corfu don’t actually like it
when we do the conga through reception at two in the morning and then rush
into the gardens with one another to catch chlamydia. They think this sort
of thing is antisocial.
Further digging reveals that while we spend quite a lot of money while we’re
on holiday, it’s mostly on beer, burgers and Satan’s favourite snack, Cheez
Whiz.
This, according to another report, from the Lonely Planet guide, is because we
are all obsessed with celebrity, we worship people who have no talent, we’re
all binge drinkers and that back at home there’s a general air of
disillusionment in the wake of the London Tube bombings.
Small wonder that the people who write this book are lonely. You won’t get any
friends if you mooch about all day in an Eeyore blanket of drizzle. Cheer
up, for God’s sake.
The fact is that Britain, right now, is a jolly place to live. Tony Blair is
going. Everyone’s house is worth a million pounds. And the summer, thanks to
a few dedicated souls like me and that chap at Ryanair, is likely to be
warm. That’s why we do the conga at two in the morning: because we’re happy.
And that’s why the hoteliers don’t like us: because they’re jealous.
They have to live in a country where the wine’s made from creosote, the women
don’t shave their armpits and you need to bribe the plumber with something
from Fabergé to get him to mend your dishwasher.
And they can’t cope when they see us lot bouncing into the hotel with our
sexually liberated girlfriends and our big strong pounds.
I know this to be true because anyone who’s ever been abroad knows full well
that on any international league table of bad behaviour, we are a long, long
way from the bottom.
Have you ever shared a hotel swimming pool with a South African? What they
like to do, and you’ve got to remember they’re all fairly big-boned, is
climb to the top of the diving board and jump on your head. And as you
helplessly flop about with a broken spine, the rest of their equally
big-boned family hoots with derision and orders another round of Castle.
Or what about the Swedes? You think we can drink. Ooh you ain’t seen nothing
till you’ve seen a party of Thors locusting their way through the swim-up
bar. The only difference is that when we get drunk, we like to catch a
venereal disease. When they get drunk, they like to commit suicide.
Apparently, the hoteliers like the Germans very much. They say they’re very
quiet. Well yes, they would be. They have to stay sober and be in bed by
nine, because as we know, they do like to get up early . . .
Interestingly, the Americans come second in the poll, behind the Japanese.
They’re billed as polite, interested in new cultures and good at tipping. I
agree, but sharing a restaurant with a party of nasal septics with their
two-stroke vowel sounds is like sharing a restaurant with a Flymo. And they
do have the most annoying habit of talking to their friends as though they
are 600 yards apart.
At the other end of the scale we find the French. Apparently, they are the
worst holidaymakers. The pits. Except for one thing. Stop carefully and
think: have you ever seen a French person on a foreign holiday? Italy is
full of Germans. Spain is full of Brits. Greece is full of dust and
homosexuals. The Dutch are everywhere. The Swedes are all dead and is that someone
with a strimmer? Oh no, hang on. It’s a party of Americans coming up the
hill.
But the French? They don’t seem to do foreign holidays and with good reason.
Does God leave heaven every August and take a vacation in hell? No. Well,
why would anyone go abroad if they live in France?
The fact of the matter is that the French are nowhere to be seen and that
means – no arguing please – the Russians are the worst tourists in the
world. Of course, they spent most of their childhood eating concrete and
trying not to be tortured so who can blame them for exploding onto the
world’s beaches in a tizzy of frills, Versace sunglasses and extraordinarily
tight Speedos.
The only problem is that they all look so sinister with their pastry
complexions and their special forces tattoos. You get the impression when
they look at you that they’re imagining what you would look like with no
head.
A lout from Liverpool may vomit on you and that’s nasty. But a Russian would
happily garnish your pizza with a dash of polonium. And that’s so much worse.
To Allen, you say the majority of brits do not have many pounds, looking at percentages of population, compare the number of homeless in the US compared to that in the UK and also more people in the UK are becoming millionaires (in dollars) in the UK compared to that in the US. CLARKSON FOR PM.
Josh, Liverpool,
I worked in Manhattan for about 20 years. Lots of people from all over the world come there. Plenty of Brits, but not crowds of daytripping yabbos, so they accounted well for themselves, especially compared to the home-grown idiots that clog our subway system. Overall I'd give the highest grade to the Dutch. Civil, soft-spoken, educated people.
Mike, Albany, NY, USA
I have to say, I've never been to a place where the Americans are louder than everywhere else. In fact while in the trains in London, I simply gave up on talking and used text messaging to communicate with people right next to me due to the incredibly loud commuters. Unless the entire car was packed with Americans, and no American has as bad as taste and clothing as a British man (this means no).
By the way, while I do enjoy his work, Clarkson's manhandling of every culture and individual into a stereotype while making Britian out to be some utopia is shocking. Yes the pound is strong Mr. Clarkson, but the majority of you do not have to many of them...
Allen, New York City, United States
Clarkson for Mayor of London.
Matt, Deal, Kent, UK
London is my favourite European city I have been in. But if there is one thing that's wrong with Britain it's not that they are British but that they are American. I really enjoy Top Gear but I secretly hate Clarkson. He, like the Americans he loves to hate , have the same pompous arrogance, the sime pride of irresponsibility and the same pretentiousness that the less fortunate are something to scoff at. All so called in the name of being politically incorect. He's so proud of being rich. Well we here in the Netherlands are richer and so are the Scandinavians, but it's not this that makes us better. What makes us better is that we aren't shy to take some responsibility for our people and our neighbours. You can hate Europe all you want but at the end of the day you know that being little America can only be worse.
Martijn, Delft, Netherlands
Jeremy's views, while somewhat shocking, are stated with such bombast and wit, that I can't help laughing, even if he's a bit harsh towards his Yankee brethren. Besides, I know he's not talking about me; he's talking about the other guy. You know the one: lounging in a beanbag chair... naked... reading Soldier of Fortune... while eating cheese puffs! So for him, and the millions of Americans like him, my humblest apologies.
Jeremy, you are a gem. Thanks for all the belly-laughs!
Jeff McCaskill, Paso Robles, US / California
Having never been out of the US; except of course for Canada (America's Hat); I really have no idea how people act when visiting other countries. One thing is for sure, Clarkson sure would look better sittin in an oval office.
Owen, Massachusetts, US
It's not the drunken hooligans that make Germany unpopular in the world. Every country has those. It's pretentious traitors like Chris from Frankfurt who think they know it all.
Jan, Hannover, Germany
I really enjoy Jeremy's take on the things he writes about. He hits the nail on the head every time, just like those South Africans on the diving board.
And Barry from Kansas, fortunately the crass ones are let out of their houses, otherwise Jeremy would have nothing amusing to write about.
He didnt mention how Zimbabwean tourists behave though. Maybe next time.......
Anthony, Durban, South Africa
Jeremy is the best. I read his books, although in some points it was hard for me to understand everything- I do not know the british reality and typical life. Well, I don't mind, I am a Kraut ;) But to be honest he is one of the few who really writes what he things in the way I miss it in German newspapers or magazines.
And about German tourists- well it's better when I don't say anything. Have you ever been to Mallorca, or "Malle" how the 400 € "tourists" call it? No? Be happy. It's one of the moments I prefer to say that I am from Afghanistan or even Japan but not from Germany ;). Crazy world.
Greeting from the Krautland!
Chris, Frankfurt am Main, Germany
Well, Barry from Kansas City is right, but Jeremy consider the averages.....so he is right.....he did not say anything about the Italians.....mmmm
How are we? Loud? Nice? Stylish?
GAETANO PELLEGRINI, Slough, England
There's people with class, and those who are crass. This cuts across all nationalities and economic levels.
The crass ones should not be allowed out of their houses. At any time.
barry, Kansas City, USA
No, Americans don't sound like a strimmer: I've got one as a neighbour and can assure Jeremy "that's no strimmer that's a chainsaw".
Ron, Guildford, UK
On South Africans.. In a London youth hostel ( very good one too). accompanying a party of Italian students, I (who am more English thatn the Queen) was accosted near the pool table ( which had been occupied by my totally selfish, thoughtless students for the past hour creating a crowd of restless , aspiring players) and at the height of my 45 years- and- going- crinkly -round- the- edges I was asked by a large, young South African boy what somebody like me was doing in a youth hostel. On answering and proferring equal amicable interest in my interlocutor ( i fear my non-politically correct English accent was to account for this ) I was told I was a " stuck-up hush pup". I felt quite flattered to receive such consideration especially when, on leaving our company, he added that " an old lay is always worth it ". I decided against the chlamydia option and he and his friends engaged in a very noisy football match in the corridor outside our room late that night.
Nicky Checketts, Salerno, , Italy
If you like go abroad for holidays, means England just have money and an unhappy life.
And if Brits use alcohol to be happy and get some drunk girl means they are not able to get it in an alternative way.
Perhaps is for that, an English at most can get an american girl, while italians, spanishs, and frenchs are the dream of girls all over the word.
Stefano , Firenze, Italia
You must remember the reason that Americans are good tippers . Here in the USA bartenders & waitresses are paid very low wages .In my area about 3 bucks an hour so customers knowing this tip pretty well .
In most western European countries the restaurant & bar staff are paid a living wage so local people dont tip high'.
My 43 yr old son works his but off in a restauant kitchen for $ 6 an hour . The min wage in west european countries is higher than that i believe.
brian lee, medina, USA Ohio
wonderful=)
it's all true, I agree totally
Yes, we are the worst tourists in the world. Please take in advance my apologize for all Russian tourists and their ugly behaviour. I'm serious=)
Vlad, Moscow, Russia
wonderful=)
it's all true, I agree totally Yes, we are the worst tourists in the world. Please take in advance my apologize for all Russian tourists and their ugly behaviour. I'm serious=)
Vlad, Moscow, Russia
Hi Jeremy, I think that your opinion leaves much to be desired. All the people are different. And the French often want to go out from their HeavenLand. Do not you agree?
A, Moscow, Russia
I must admit, british tourist get on quite well here in Australia, despie their sometimes loutish behaviour. Possibly, this is because it's great fun watching them turn bright red with third degree sunburn the instant they step out of the airport terminal, but I'd say it's also because the Aussies are just as louty on holiday. I can't believe we didn't even make the worst list! The ultimate reason, thoguh, is that compared to the Yanks, everyone else is a joy! How did they get number 2 on the BEST list? Some, it must be admitted are nice, civlised and intelligent, but the vast majority or American tourists are noisy, disdainful, whinging and say the stupidest things known to man. Give me the brits any day!
Sue, Sydney, Australia
Dear Jeremy, GREAT. I'm Italian. I can say with no doubt. That every family has a fool, a thief and a genius. I would put your writing in near the genius. Very critical.. with a lough. Thats the way to get close to the truth. Well obviuosly you see the world through english eyes... but your not far from the truth. I guess we all have our little manias, little heritage problems, the apple can't fall far from the apple tree. I realy liky your writing.
giorgio Tomasi, Cormons, Italy
Little off track with your view on the French I'm afraid Jeremy. Sure we have some very beautiful places to vacation at but that's not the real reason we tend to stay at home. It's because despite our education, we are unable to speak any other language than our own.
An Englishman can attempt to be understood in any other country and in most cases he will be, but when a Frenchman tries that people just look at him and reply "Do you speak English?"
Alessia, Paris, France
hi im from the canary islands and we have many english tourist and we love them, great people !! full of live ,great sense of humor ,good people , educated, optimist ,.. all you can say good about english is not enought.
jeremy is totally right.
hey holidays are to enjoy ,drink ,have fun ... and brits do it very well
so english can come here anyday ,you are always welcome
to the canary islands we are waiting you. we apreciate you
englishfun, tenerife, spain
Jeremy, as ever, that is PERFECT satire. It rests on true premises everyone can recognize. You are a genius, you are. But then, you would be, wouldn't you, being British! And I can' t help laughing my head off at the fact that Marcus Guest in Moscow isn't amused. Rather proves the point, doesn't it ? Some subtleties are just being the reach of the foreign mindset ...
elizabeth schumann, Paris, France
Jeremy I am in love with your wit---spectacular. Now I just have to work on my two-stroke vowel sounds--think I will buy a home in Brit land. Cheerios. PS Australians didnt make the list? Unbelievable.
An American in Australia
Deborah Pach, Melbourne Victoria, Australia
Jeremy - absolutely brilliant! A few years ago we moved from SW London to southern California where people seem to be well sculptured, have perfect smiles, and live in shorts and flip-flops. But we love it here and people are friendly. There’s one thing that makes me rather nervous about our well respected and ‘glorious’ identity these days and that is what impact will princess Victoria Posh make as she re-writes the definition of British-ness.
Sal, Orange County, California
We have hordes of Brit tourists here. Plus hordes of Brit condos, which, thanks to the strong pound and the relatively low price of US real estate, middle-class Brits can actually buy. There are two problems with Brit tourists. They stare at one as they would do at a zoo specimen. Perhaps they expect me to slap my knee and yell "Yeee-hawww!" This is undoubtedly because Brits regard themselves as the perfect standard of humankind and everybody else is a curiosity.
And, they natter. Natter natter natter. If you see a group of people where everyone is talking and nobody is listening, it's bound to be Brits. They also drive, occasionally, on the wrong side of the road and wipe out whole families of themselves.. They also stand gazing at meat counters wondering loudly what cut that is, and how it would be prepared.
Martha, Miami, Florida, USA
Humour and wits 10 out of 10 and thats coming from a blackman!!
Feyi, Bristol,
Americans are so loud because their country is so big.Their homes are huge and their cars[Jeremy should know, massive] You have to talk loudly to communicate over 10 yards of personal space.Trouble is.They cant tone it down when they go abroad and so they then scream in Europe when they talk to people with personal space of 1 yard.
Leslie Udwin, Johannesburg, South Africa
My husband and I (I'm an American, he's a Brit) go to Zermatt every year, and are increasingly frightened by the hordes of gangster Russians and their bimbos who have lately overrun the resort. They let their children run wild (who cares if they break anything - we have trillions of roubles!) while they get drunk and abusive in the bar. I'm from NYC, where we have no qualms about telling people to their faces when they're "invading our space," but I wouldn't dare with these people - instead of improved behaviour I'd probably get a gun pointed in my face. And people think Americans are tacky...on the train from Geneva, a Russian "businessman" was outfitted in a matching mink baseball cap, boots and jacket. If this keeps up, we'll have to throw our lot in at Verbier or Klosters with the hordes of drunken Brits!
Joan, New York, NY
Spot on bout us South Africans.... one needs only to watch the series "Rome" on Tv to see what we STILL like!
Brendan, Johannesburg, South Africa
Once again, i have to say, that despite the fact that i do not like the "Clarcksonater" he is SPOT ON.
The Russians ARE scary.
Ze Germans DO get up at the crack of dawn, and have no qualms dropping their pants in public to change shorts.
....and the only way you can tell a Brit on his/her Summer holiday, is not because of the vulgar tatoos, it is because of the shade of ALL OVER RED they are, having fallen asleep in the baking hot sun, after their 17 pints the night before....hehehehe
Kambiz Shahri, Pretoria, South Africa, Gauteng
Valentin,
Jeremy is just trying to point out the *true* fact that Germans go to bed early so they can get up early and hog the sunbeds all day.
Being German you wouldn't have noticed this though :D
Chris Leigh, Manchester, Lancashire, UK
Being Irish, I share a mixed history with Britain and to quote a saying "we are divided by a common language". But the British form the largest group of tourists to Ireland and I notice they are easygoing and fall in with whatever is happening. They do not stand out as drunks here though, that may be because the competition is stiff.
However, Ireland is not hot even in the summer and it was not until I started going to Southern Europe that I noticed a national obsession. You always know the Brits on the beach, not because they are milk white (which they are not, that's the Scots) but because they all seem to sport tatoo's of various sizes and colours. I even suspect the older WWII vintage do as well but you can't see them with the cardigans.
John Mallon, Cork, Ireland
Funny! But I don't understand that comment about Germans.
Do they go to bed at 9 pm? Really?
Valentin Beyer, Rostock, Germany
For sure Russian are welcomed tourists for the hotel owners as they are very generous and give big tips.
Zarina, Moscow, Russia
"stop knocking the finest country in the world.............
which is of course russia...
mike, oxford, russia"
averko?
Murph, London,
British tourist seen by side (discussed this subject on several occations) could be divided into two main groups: English and other. "other" are known as polite and well behaving.
English are known as: anoying, quazi funny, almost all dressed in english football supporter t-shirts, eating cheep burgers and french fries, drinking beer only...
V, Oslo, Norway
Sanjib Mitra, Bangalore, India: "Apparently, its considered deadlier than any other sport or occupation, and requires a skill that your average British tourist cannot comprehend of ever mastering. "
Sorry Sanjib, driving far too quickly round a blind corner in the wrong lane with wing mirrors fully in while thumping the horn as your horrified passengers realise it's not that their seatbelts are hard to find, they don't exist is not a skill in any way, shape or form.
Dan, Hampton, UK
we love them in australia, they remind us of how we used to be convicts
ray, sydney,
Really interesting and witty article!
Another positive thing that I've noticed about British tourists is their willingness to try out and experience everything local - right from unfamiliar cuisines, attempts to get their accents right in a new linguistic surrounding, taking part in local festivals, climb every visible hillock with far more equipment than is necessary and right to bungee jumping from the nearby bridge or cellular tower, sometimes even at the risk of annoying a few locals. The British definitely know how to soak in the atmosphere!
However, there is an exception to this. There is something that a British tourist will never ever attempt while holidaying in India.
Drive on Indian roads.
Apparently, its considered deadlier than any other sport or occupation, and requires a skill that your average British tourist cannot comprehend of ever mastering.
Sanjib Mitra, Bangalore, India
Excellent article Jeremy - you are absolutely right- but then you always are!!!
Jill Howe, Bromsgrove, UK
Excellent article, Jeremy, very amusing ! I totally agree about the french being lucky to be so blessed with their own country's holiday destinations and that russians can be scary. Nobody has mentioned chinese tourists, probably because it's so difficult for them to get out of the country with the myriad of visas and bylaws they need before they can go anywhere but this could change. Once it does (and i've done a fair bit of traveling here) look out the russians your top spot will be a distant memory !
Justin, Wuhan, China
Just spent the weekend in Dubai and happened to spend an afternoon on the beach with a hotelier over there. We spent a long time chatting but the gist of the conversation was that they like the Russians best and the Brits and Germans least. Why? Because the Russians spend phenomenal amounts of money and never complain, whereas both the English and the Germans complain about everything and expect the world in return for treating the staff like crap.
To remedy this situation, Dubai as a city will be (and have been over the past couple of years) raising their prices to both the German and English markets relative to the others to discourage certain elements from these areas. He went into great detail about how it was done but suffice to say they're quite organised about it..
Rob, London, UK
Just spent the weekend in Dubai and happened to spend an afternoon on the beach with a hotelier over there. We spent a long time chatting but the gist of the conversation was that they like the Russians best and the Brits and Germans least. Why? Because the Russians spend phenomenal amounts of money and never complain, whereas both the English and the Germans complain about everything and expect the world in return for treating the staff like crap.
To remedy this situation, Dubai as a city will be (and have been over the past couple of years) raising their prices to both the German and English markets relative to the others to discourage certain elements from these areas. He went into great detail about how it was done but suffice to say they're quite organised about it..
Rob, London, UK
"Full of dust and homosexuals". Spot on! Every Greek should read this article so that we stop thinking that we live in the most beautiful country in the world. Britain is the most beautiful country in the world.
Keep going Jeremy.
James, Thessaloniki, Greece
The voice of reason, no less. My God, after what happened to Imus in New York for his "nappy headed ho" comment it just shows what a knee-jerk politically correct society we have here in America if Jeremy can publish this article without being demonized by the moral majority. Bravo!
shay, boston, usa/ma
Absolute codswallop Jeremy. Whatever happened to the blight of the Empire - the Aussies? By leaving us out you show the limitations of a Brit who sees everything through the noxious exhaust of a luxury vehicle.
The French don't travel ? We have them here in the wilds of southern Australia - East Gippsland - where pairs of French damsels backpack or motor their oh so glamorous way around the coast - beguiling passing newspaper photographers as they provide hands on experience with Landcare projects - or the male version - who end up in local fish and chip shops demanding the locals celebrate Bastille Day with full French colours and explaining themselves in incoherent accents.
Jill Ellis, Bairnsdale, Australia
JC
the reason the French do not travel abroad is simply because when they do...they realize that the rest of the world gets by perfectly well speaking ENGLISH rather than french.............& they don't like it...
stop knocking the finest country in the world.............
which is of course russia...
mike, oxford, russia
Alex from Saratov, let's be honest. I understand you patriotic feelings, share them and struggle to find an evidence of " eating concrete " by children especially during Soviet period but let's admit that many of our compatriots behave terribly even within our lovely country. Let's look at how they park their cars, or look at many of those neighbours in apartment buildings – they are scums (?) in fifth or tenth generation, or how unconsidered they are to each others standing in lines or being in any public places... There can be a long list. I just hope it'll change though it can be a slow and long process.
JB, Tomsk, Siberia
Sorry, but in my opinion, there is only one option for the worsts tourists, at least at the backpacker level. Now, here in America, if you want to find the most ill mannered people, head over to your local military base. Now, what westernized country not only has a large military, but requires service? Israel. Basically, any loud, rude person we ran across on a three month trip through South American would turn out to be Israeli. Now, we did come across many nice, quiet Israelis as well, but they were the exceptions. Of course, there were hardly any other Americans at all, so that probably helped.
Matt, Raleigh, North Carolina, US
That Jeremy Clarkson has a great sense of humour! “… they spent most of their childhood eating concrete… ” isn’t it funny?
JB, Tomsk, Siberia
Clarkson for King, I say.
Or Prime Minister at least. Please...
Ian Oliver, Singapore, Singapore
Brits are so welcome in New Zealand there's even a business called Britz Campers that hires a large fleet of mobile homes especially for them. When they tour here to watch the All Blacks beat England companies even run TV adverts that take the piss whilst pushing their product.
Pubicans have taken early retirement on the proceeds of a British tourist invasion. They are so well humoured in defeat too.
And we'd like more Brit immigrants please.
Peter, Auckland, New Zealand
Shall we take a look at this before you go to cocky about others(espacially swedes) beeing jealous at you:)
http://www.bubblare.se/movie/svenska_vs_brittiska_nattklubbar/
Fredrik, Gothenburg/London, Sweden
Did Jeremy really make it to Budapest? He obviously didn't otherwise he would have realised that girls with pumpkin shaped bottoms do not reside in Budapest. In fact....i heard you can only find girls of this calibre in Doncaster....shape up Jeremy and open your eyes next time you visit somewhere......you might like what you see.
Jude, Budapest,
The reason why Americans came in at number 2 is because the Americans who travel abroad are wealthy and well educated Americans. Go to Las Vegas and Atlantic City and let me know what you think about them.
Kevin, San Francisco, California, US
why did Bells stores that got took over by sainsburys not give their employees the bonus they were entitled to they where sainsburys badges they sell sainsburys food why did they not get there bonuses three sainsburys stores that i know of did not give their employees bonuses as they did the rest of their workforce the two stores are in peterlee and horden in co durham.
joanne taylor, peterlee/co durham,
I agree a lot of French make pretty bad tourists - when I'm abroad, I sometimes pretend to be from Belgium.
But I also have to say I was rather impressed by the drinking capacities of the British I met in Spain. How they survive drinking this much, with the heat and the sun, I'll never understand.
Spinifex, Paris, France,
Its great to read or watch Jeremy Clarkson, no have the ability of producing such large amount of funny and terribly offensive. This article is just a good excuse. As an Spaniard I can confirm that we think of you as arrogant, badly dressed, untidy, loud, drunk and terribly antisocial, all as hooligans and trouble makes. I have come to decide this is mainly due to the fact that, unlike in most other countries, the so called “working class” can afford to travel abroad. And certainly that is good news for the businesses in the destination, but appalling for everyone else staying there. Oh well… only other countries to compare with, probably the Germans and Nordics, and yes, if they don’t happen to kill themselves, happen to be are much better to deal with as tourists.
Jose, Zamora,
hahahaha... brilliant Jeremy!
Stephen, Durban, South Africa
I’ve got an impression, that western Europeans see Russia like this:
Group of unshaved and constantly drunk men wander through huge snowdrifts looking for bear to shoot it using AK74, which is obviously available for every kid older than five.
And now this polonium thing. During my visit to France this year I was asked twice a day whether I am KGB or not?!
That’s ridiculous!
Anyways most of the Russians are not good tourists at all, I agree. However next time you see guy wearing ‘Versace sunglasses’ take into account that not only the best people of Russia tour abroad, and don’t base your judgments on his ‘extraordinarily tight Speedos’.
Alex, Saratov, Russia
Bang on Jezza !!! But you forgot the vital clue lurking behind the swarthy faces of the voters in the poll - that of the TIP ! Americans are good at tipping because they have to be ! Its all that they have to offer. The Japanese unfortunately just watch too many American movies so they HAVE to be the best tourists - Quiet AND good tippers - a hoteliers dream !
The hospitality trade is built on the maxim "I will make you feel inadequate so that you try to buy my approval with a bigger tip...." and the Yanks (God bless 'em) have fallen into this trap since WW2 - I mean anyone who thinks that "dove" (rhymes with stove) is the past tense of "dive" had better tip, and tip well - and that tip will buy even the most hardened hoteliers heart and vote!! I like the Brits here in Cape Town... screw understanding the culture - they are on holiday and that's about having fun - conga on Brits - you're welcome here !!
Owen, Cape Town,
You are talking Europe or perhaps North America. Try Third-World Asia; the last playground of the English gentleman (generic). And even then once you leave the capital city behind, the number of Caucasians drops by a factor of at least ten. You leave behind those breakfast cafes full of hung-over White drunks. Change your objective criteria. Take vacations on the basis of an exploratory visit to a region on the emigration short list. Because if you haven't realised that Britain sucks by now you simply aren't ex-pat material. I realise it isn’t easy, because you are walking out on social capital which is not transferable. Britain is like an investment that has gone south. You hang on hoping it will come back, but it’s not going to happen. At some point you’ll have to bite the bullet and take the hit. And the sooner the better. So if you ever find yourself in downtown Ho Chi Minh City (formally Saigon)…
Andrew Milner, Yokohama, Japan
As an operator of short-term tourist rentals in Paris, i can indeed confirm that Russians are the worst. So much so that i don't even take bookings from them anymore. They have a nasty habit of leaving the place an absolute mess, and they always look menacing.
The Brits and the Americans are fine.
Samuel Young, Paris, France
ha it will take a LOT of time to alter folks views of scousers!
Graham, Washington DC, usa
Jerremy forgot one important trait of British tourists- they do not tip. Coming back to hotel at 2 a.m. , dancing, and staggering is ok so long as you tip the hotel staff for their patience and understanding. But too often, Brits expect service without giving a tip for that extra attention given to them.
Payao Banlusap, Pattaya, Thailand
As someone who lives in Amsterdam, and experiences the kinds of Brits that think it's a lot of fun to be drunk at 4 in the afternoon (every single day of the week), always wear footballers shirts, sing as loud as they can in any form of public transportation and always want to start a fight, I completely agree with the survey.
But that's maybe because we get all the cheap easyjet traveling/lame bachelor party types... And none of the really civilised ladies and gentlemen.
Michiel Janssen, Amsterdam, Netherlands
Love the British! Any time I'm on holiday, the best people to run in to during a night out drinking are the Brits from two hotels down, followed closely by any group of Aussies. They're certain to buy large trays of small glasses filled with some sort of liquor you've never heard of, and finish off by buying too many rounds of beer. God bless the strong pound! And when a British girl is beautiful, it is a special, and exquisite type of beauty that might not be beaten by anyone else.
Rob, Charlottesville, Virginia, USA
Astounding brilliance. Thank you!
chris, manchester,
Man, have we lost our #1 status in everything!?
Rebel Dog, Portland, Oregon/USA
Enjoyed the article. Keep it up.
Greg, Edinburgh,
EDINBURGH has one of the highest rates in Britain of people unable to work through alcohol abuse. A league table of drink-related incapacity benefit claimants shows the Capital tenth in the UK. Inverclyde and Glasgow take first and second slots, and six out of the top ten places are in Scotland. (Scotsman 14 May 2007)
Why attack Liverpool when the worst bingers are Scots, and thereafter it's London? Liverpool seems to be an easy target yet they are nowhere near the top of any crime table, easily outpaced by Manchester. I think it's called prejudice!
Alan, Ormskirk, England
Well what about about those Liverpool supporters, stranded at Speke airport who missed the European Cup Final because someone had nicked the plane radio then?
Rahm Shagagh, Camarthen,
I now live in Greece. My observations, based on being in various hotels across Europe, but particularly in Greece, at different times of the year, would lead me to think that hoteliers should be more concerned with 'getting guests' and not with what they get up to when they get there.
I have to constantly ask myself, why are there so many hotels? when does everybody come? Over the last few years, in February, March, April, May, June, September, October, I have been the only person in the hotel!
Does this mean that 'everybody' else comes only in July and August? Hoteliers should get organised in attracting more guests from everywhere all year
J.Kelvyn Richards
J.Kelvyn Richards, Trikala, Greece
Loads of French in Mauritius (& Corsica), very pleasant, smart, behaved, cultured and they could speak English too!
Rob, Brum, UK
Haha, great article again by Clarkson, I love reading a bit of euro-bashing on a Sunday morning!! Nice to see that Clarkson hasn't changed his opinion of the French from several years ago - France is one of the best countries in the world... just spoilt by the French.
Keep up the good work Jeremy.
David P, Exeter, England
1) Apparently, Mr. Clarkson has been having personal problems with foreigners. New neighbours? Or maybe he is jealous of German, Japanese, Swedish, American, Dutch, even French cars.
2) Everyone seems to enjoy hanging out with us Brazilian tourists. Too bad we have no money to spend. That, I guess, would rank us at about the Russians.
3) Hail Top Gear.
Matteo Colella, São Paulo, Brazil,
Dear oh dear Jeremy - is that meant to be wit?
Marcus Guest, Moscow,