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From The Sunday Times

September 23, 2007

Biggles, you’re a crashing bore

Jeremy Clarkson

Last weekend, a friend of mine was killed when his helicopter crashed in Scotland. And then, just hours later, another friend was lucky to walk away when his chopper flipped onto its side while making an emergency landing in Essex.

Strangely, however, it’s not a fear of dying that puts me off the idea of private aviation. It’s the surefire knowledge that nothing in all the world is likely to be quite so boring and pointless.

The idea of piloting your own helicopter or light aircraft, among the clouds and the linnets, far above the jams and the pressure, is an appealing prospect for anyone who doesn’t know what to do with his money.

Better still, you might imagine that you could enliven your journey by swooping underneath low bridges, divebombing fields of cattle, looping the loop over friends’ houses and landing for the hell of it in beauty spots and bird sanctuaries.

Only last month, I flew down the Okavango River in Botswana in a twin-engined light aircraft; following the waterway’s endless twists and turns just 6ft up, at 150mph. It was a joyous and brilliant thing to do. But unfortunately, if you tried that at home, skimming the Don in Sheffield, for instance, a man with adenoids and a clipboard would come round and take your licence away.

In fact, the whole process of learning to fly, it seems to me, is designed specifically to weed out those who might want a plane or a helicopter for fun.

When you want a driving licence, all you have to do is demonstrate to a man in beige trousers that you can reverse round a corner. But when you want a licence to fly, you must demonstrate to the entire Civil Aviation Authority that you are prepared to spend several months with your nose in various text books on meteorology and aerodynamics. Plainly, it only wants pedants up there.

Then you have to spend more months learning how to use a radio. Why? I know already. You just stab away at various buttons until someone comes over the speaker. Then you tell him what you want.

Oh no you don’t. You have to talk in a stupid code, saying “over” when you’ve finished speaking for the moment and “out” when you’ve finished altogether. Why? When I ring the plumber or the local Indian restaurant, I am able to convey the nature of my request perfectly well using English. So why when I’m in a plane do I have to talk in gibberish?

“Hello, it’s Jeremy. Is it all right to land?” is a much easier way of saying, “Weston Tower, this is Charlie Victor Tango on 8453.113 requesting a westerly approach to runway 27.”

But private pilots love all this sort of stuff. They love doing utterly pointless preflight checks, tapping dials and making sure that a bunch of goblins didn’t come in the night and chew through all the wires.

They never think: “I bought this plane to make my life more convenient but in the time I’ve spent checking it, I could have driven to Leeds.” And nor do they ever think: “If these checks are so foolproof, how come that in the western United States, more small planes fall out of the sky than rain drops.”

No really. In America, more than one person a day is killed in private plane crashes. Light aircraft, over there, are known as “dentist killers”.

And try this for size. You don’t have to check your plane if you leave it alone for a few hours in the day. But you do if it’s been left alone at night. Why? Do the plane goblins only come out when it’s dark? No. Will a comprehensive preflight check keep your plane in the air? No. The fact is that pilots love checking things. They love details.

I know this from glancing at the magazines they read. Boat magazines are full of boats skimming the waves with naked girls on the foredeck. But plane magazines are filled with lists of serial numbers and adverts for stuff that no one could conceivably ever want to buy. Quarter-scale cockpit models, for instance. And hideous pictures of Lancasters, at sunset, over Dresden.

Just last night, I spent some time in the company of two private plane enthusiasts who never once talked about the speed of their machines or the convenience, or the sheer, unbridled fun of skimming the treetops at 150mph. Instead, they talked for hours about parking and refuelling. I bet they think the best bit of sex is unwrapping the condom.

Certainly, they seem to have a weird love for the medical, which they must take every 15 minutes. I can’t see why this is necessary because medicals cannot predict a heart attack, which is about the only thing that will affect someone’s ability to fly a plane.

And you know what. Hardly anyone with a plane ever uses it to go somewhere useful. Instead, they take “the old kite” from their flying club headquarters to another flying club headquarters where they have some cheese and Branston pickle. And then they fly home again. What’s that all about?

And while they’re flying around, spoiling the peace and quiet for everyone on the ground, they are having absolutely no fun whatsoever. This is because they are at 3,000ft, where 100mph feels like you’re standing still. And they can’t come down low for fear of the man with adenoids.

So, the recipe for flying then. You drive to an airfield, check your plane for two hours, take off, sit still, speak gibberish into a radio, land, eat cheese and then sit still again till you’re home again. Repeat until one day you hear a loud bang . . .

As I write this I'm looking at a photo I took the other week as I flew my small a/c. I wish you could see it. We are sat in sunshine below a clear blue sky, above a broken layer of clouds, the sun is low in the sky and the red tinged horizon prefaces a glorious sunset. It's so awe inspiring, it takes your breath away. We've just just some enjoyed amazing seafood in a little French coastal village. We'll be back in Manchester in an hour. It's a bank holiday. Through the gaps in the clouds we can see the clogged motorways and the stationary cars sat in gloomy twilight a couple of thousand feet and another world away from the brightness and the beauty we're flying through, We're doing 180 miles an hour.

You couldn't buy views like this or freedom like this, or memories like this for any amount of money. On the other hand, you couldn't buy a family car let alone a "supercar" (whatever that is) for what my share in this "flying toaster" cost me.

Little planes boring ? I think not!

steve myers, Bolton,

How sad you are Jeremy and what a bore!

J Crew, Chipping Campden, UK

Excellent article Jeremy, and I agree with much of what you say.
There's only one way to rid you of this disdain though.. you have to do it in a slightly more interesting fashion. You're an adventurer, so come on an adventure with me - we'll ferry a (single engined) light aeroplane from USA to Europe. You have it filmed, and then pass comment on it. It may still not be your cup of tea but I can at least promise you an interesting journey.

Biggles

Brian Thompson, Winchester, Hampshire

As the long suffering spouse of a pilot and aviation nut, I reckon Clarkson's hit the nail right on the head.

Mrs Biggles, Stourbridge,

Flying little planes is both fun & hassle but like malaria, once infected, you're bitten for life & you might as well enjoy it.

After 35 years in the air I've experienced beautiful sights, joy, pride & a sense of achievement, unparalleled fear & occassional frustration, but never boredom. Not many hobbies can offer that.

phill brigstock, oakham, UK

Jeremy knows full well that just as with motoring, the experience is enhanced by the location, so it is also with flying. A mid-summer drive through the Dolomites in a howling Ferrari beats an Astra diesel at rush hour on a wet winter's day on the M25. I loved learning to fly in the South Island of New Zealand, skimming glaciers & primieval rainforests in uncongested airspace. The prospect of scud-running from one British porta cabin to another has not managed to entice me into the pilot's seat in the 11 years I've lived in the UK.

Timmy B, London, Blighty

Dear Mr Clarkson, is very interesting your point of view about G.A. anyway today the last possibility to dream is to fly...
To drive a beautyful sport car with no speed limits in no traffic roads must be "Jeremy Clarkson" in Top Gear,but I'm Paolo in Olbia (Italy) and I have to drive carefully.. Ciao

Paolo, Olbia, Sardinia ITALY

Very funny indeed. I shall look forward to paying over the odds again this weekend, weather permitting of course, to land at some boggy airfield off the beaten track with a damp ridden leaky portacabin as a club house, drinkin a stewed brew out of a tea stained mug......aaah the joy

Andy, Kenilworth, Warks,

Brilliant Jeremy, I loved it as I am sure James May did.

Now we pilots should get together and try to oudo the carravaners in complaints.

Trev

Trev Jones, Alton, Hants UK

Clarkson's article is not a fair representation of private flying.He's missed out the bits about having to send your passenger home by ferry,bus,train and taxi because she has to get to work tomorrow, then spending several days waiting for the weather to improve to only slightly unflyable so that you can spend several days getting yourself and the plane home from a destination that could have been reached in a few hours , and at far less expense,by road. But where's the pleasure in that?

Frank Gorse, Caernarfon,

Spot on Jeremy!
As a private pilot, the real thrill comes in spending two hundred pounds on getting a cup of tea in a forlorn portakabin and then having to dash away again before the rainclouds get you stuck there overnight.
"If you've time to spare, go by air".

paul Tucker, Exeter,

Of course you get bores in all walks of life, even journalism! Having been a racer, biker, boater and many other things, I still think flying is the best.

Chris, Cambridge,

Jeremy, I could feel sorry for you. You have obviously been mixing with the wrong crowd. Are there no motorhead bores? Some people polish their Porshe then take it for a spin up and down the road. What's that about, then? Some poor idiots just drive them round airfields to see how fast they could go on the public highway if the law allowed it. Then they go and have a pint. What's that about then?

Aviation is the most challenging and interesting activity there is, and it seems to be too much for you, you sad chap.
The day met becomes boring is the day they can put me down. Glider pilots learn about it to fly hundreds of miles at speeds in excess of the national speed limit, using just the energy in the air. Power pilots learn about it to avoid killing themselves. Either you bore easily or you have been talking to the wrong crowd.
Oh, and no medical is required for the NPPL. This British invention is about to be rolled out over Europe as the LAPL. Oh, sorry, am I boring you?

Keith Nurcombe, Rugby, Warks

As a private pilot, i haven't laughed so much in ages!!
Next time im doing my pre-flight checks it will be with a smile on face!

Dan Foremsky, Lincoln, United Kingdom

JC,
I was thinking of taking a company discount lease on a Merc SLK 500 Kompressor until you wrote that there is no surer indication that a man has failed in life than seeing on the back of his car the words "Kompressor" or "Boxster".
I broke up with my long-term partner and resigned from the pub darts team the same week that you wrote that because we met in a bar (the girl, not the dartists), I was destined to spend my weekends practising darts in the loft while my future wife would entertain lorry drivers in the living room.
And now I must abandon my lifelong ambition to learn to fly if I am not to be seen as a ditchwater-dull, gibbering, cheese-eating bureaucrat-avoider.
I stopped believing in the Bible years ago, why do I still believe in you? I suppose you will say you have saved me from a worse life, but that's what the other JC said too...

j powers , slough, uk

"View from a Ultralight flying insrutuctor down under".
Hi Jeremy,

I read your article with some dismay. It is quite obvious by your description of the various flights and the pilots you have been in contact with, that you have been totally (mis-informed) about the aspects of aviating.

People fly for various reasons, some fly for travelling, some for a living and some for joy. In all forms of aviating, the criteria is stringent to ensure the safety of all and as such there are rules in place that keep the safety of all! If you take aviating seriously (obviously you don't) having been mis-informed about aviating, I would strongly suggest that you take the bus to your destination. If and when you feel confident to go with a friend flying, it may behove you well to do a little research into their background and why they were issued with a pilot's licence or certificate in the first place (each aviator should have one or the other) to operate a flying machine.

Cheers.

Steve Vette , Northam, Australia WA

Amusing as always but what a load of tosh!
My pre-flight checks take only 5 minutes or so (but it is a pretty basic aeroplane) and unlike a car there is no hard shoulder in the sky. When did you last check the oil in your car or the tyre pressures - I am guilty of this and a blowout in my car was an expensive reminder to do this.

We learn to use abbreviated messages when talking to Air Traffic to keep the congested radio channels free for others to talk - only one aircraft can talk to the ground at a time.

Oh and we definitely do not say 'over' and 'out', I don't even think the RAF still do that.

I am 43 and have a compulsory medical every two years which is pretty thorough and includes an ECG test for the very reason of early diagnosis of heart problems.

As for using an aircraft to go to 'useful' places I have enjoyed using it to get quickly and easy both here and abroad for business and pleasure. Oh and it is great fun like you had at 6 feet in the states!

Peter McCartney, Maidenhead, Berkshire / UK

What a stirrer Jeremy!

Alan Thomson, Duffield,Derby's, UK

Spot on JC. I am a professional pilot, and have absolutely no intention of spend another minute of my life in a piston egined aeroplane ever. Private flying is marginally more inconvenient than public transport, and considerably more expensive, not to mention the men with adenoids, who are mostly other flying club members. As a professional pilot I get hansomley paid for all the inconvenience, the medicals everytime you pass wind, the two torture sessions in the simulator a year (both opportunities to become an ex-airline pilot), and the on the job check from the man with adenoids cousin, not to mention the daily intrusion but the BNP thugs know as 'securi'ee mate'. The only fun left in private flying is well.... I don't think there is because I've never heard a private pilot talk about anything fun.

Bruce, Warwickshire,

I am an airline pilot Jeremy and therefore can justify the never-ending medicals, check-rides and scrutiny that goes with the job because I get paid for doing it. And it does have a point. To whit; getting people such as journalists to where they have to go. But you are quite right. Private flying in the UK really is not worth the trouble. You have to expend a huge amount of time, money and effort just to sit around a flying club waffling for hours with aero-nerds and the occasional pointless 40 minute flight to some other minute strip of grass, masquerading as an airfield, in order to eat a stale sticky bun and fly home again. Jezzer. You got it right
Captain R. F. Quinn ( Ronny to you )

Roony Quinn, London/Johannesburg, London

Get over to Northern Canada and take a seaplane flight through chains of remote mountain lakes - the closet thing there is on this earth to a religious experience......

I rest my case.

P R Haynes, Ontario, Canada

James May will be delighted to read that article..

Franziska, Bern, Switzerland

What a load of nonsense! Lots of people would still be here today if they had done their pre-flight checks properly! theirs alot of moving parts that need a quick once over after all if something breaks on your car you can easily pull over and check! anything goes wrong at 3000ft then its your life on the line. Flying an aircraft is easy. Flying an aircraft safely is a different ball game.

William B, Bournemouth,

Having a dig at your pal James again? Come on, man. Just admit you envy his licence and Luscombe and start taking those flying lessons yourself.

Anja, Brussels, Belgium

Jeremy. You've got one point absolutely right. The WHOLE point of flying light aeroplanes is that its, totally, utterly pointless. Its called a HOBBY.

I love it. That Â£100 cheese and pickle sandwich (taking into account maintenance and fuel) leaves me refreshed and ready to handle all the rubbish that people seem to associate with a grown up life.

Even better. I fly a vintage open-cockpit aeroplane without a radio. After all if the man with the clipboard won't let me use my phone in the car, why would I want to be interrupted while I'm fying!!

Steve, Buckinghamshire,

I'm with Tomas on this one....
powered pilots (apart from glider towies) are twerps
Glider pilots are the equivalent of cool surfers...relaxed dudes who are all good friends and enjoy making new ones...and who reckon a good days flying involves swooping around making an arse of yourself as you get lift...and a goiod landing is one where you can make the runway as sweetly as a bird.

In hawkes bay we often joked about putting down on vineyards....paint jobs afterwards are a pain...

anyway, gliding is a sport. power pilots are a pain....but not always....as long as they can give you a tow !

Martin, Auckland, New Zealand

The problem you have, Jez, is "middle wealth".

Middle wealth buys you a Ferrari 355, Benz SL55 AMG, Ford GT, Lambo Gallardo etc. It can easily also buy you a Cessna or Bonanza.

After that, you get into King Air territory, then the proper jets... and boy does the word logirithmics suddenly have some pertinence.

Am sure you could buy a jet, butjust as sure you're bright enough not to try and run one.

Go for PM. I'll vote, and you'll get one for free.

So... while I agree that I'd rather hobby boating with girls in bikinis, if you have REAL money, you have all that already.

Bikes>Cars>Boats>Planes. It's been that way for a while, smartypants.

Btw... I'm a fan.

RTY, Brighton,

Oh Jeremy. Come and do some aerobatics with me in our Chipmunk. The man with the clipboard won't know we've had such fun, looping and rolling 3,000 fett above Shropshire. Or just trundling along admiring the sort of view that peole spend hours scranbling up mountains for.

And that clipboard man? When you drive to Leeds, he will watch you on CCTV all the way, and limit your speed with revenue-cameras and road bumps.

In the Chipmunk, once out of the airspace around Liverpool, we can turn off the radio and go anywhere we like (outside controlled airspace, which still leaves most of UK available to us) and no one will know where we are or how fast we are going. We can trundle over Merrie England unobserved by the chap with the clipboard.

And why the radio gobbeldy-gook? Because unlike telephones, RT is one-way only. So after you've spoken, you have to hand over the bandwidth to the other guy so he can reply. That's what all that 'over' stuff is about.

Vince Chadwick, Wilmslow, UK

Why not come and fly with pilots who know how to have fun - you clearly have the wrong flying friends JC.

Andy Reohorn, Brighton, UK

Spot on! (at least according to the rest of my family)

Nick Somerville, Farnham,

Hi Jeremy,
What you say is entirely true about guys who fly their Cessnas to have a 100US$ hamburger at the next airfield. Try glider flying. Less rules, less pre-flight checks (as there is no engine and hardly any instruments), 99% of absolutely pointless flying for the sheer fun of being in the air. Hardly any pollution, no noise.
Regards from sunny Vienna

Thomas

Thomas Vavra, Vienna, Austria

Mr. Clarkson,

My sympathies for your friend.
In the western USA where I reside (and airplanes fall from the sky like raindrops), I fly a friends 60 year old Aeronca Champ (legally without a radio) until I finish the restoration on my 50 year old experimental aircraft, for the love of it. I'm sure you know, many automobile enthusiasts are also involved in aviation.

Best regards,
Al Manley
Longmont, CO USA

al manley, longmont, usa / co

Sounds like you're just having a go at your mate James May on this one Jezza. Do you find him particularly boring then, or are you just afraid that spending any length of time in his company will also make you a fully paid up member of the 'Cardigan Club'?

I agree with you on one point though; you should fly for the love of flying, not the love of pedantry. If you doing it for that reason you may as well buy yourself some flat pack furniture and actually use the instruction manual to assemble it.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

Yvonne, London,

Jeremy, you seem to have restricted your comments to what can only be described as the airborne equivalent of a coach trip to Margate. What you need is to give the 'F1 car round the Nurburgring' equivalent a try.....oh hang on..... I remember you did that but it resulted in your breakfast being deposited in a small white paper bag.....

Ben, Sussex,

Jeremy, in the USA you can fly an Ultra-Light aircraft without having a license. Ultra-Lights require no radio's or preflight checks. I'm sure that you could come here and have a great time in one... that is, if you don't mind risking the chance of falling out of the sky like a raindrop.

Evan, Pennsylvania , USA

Absolutely spot on....as a private pilot and aircraft owner since before Ponchas was a pilot you've got me sussed; just replace cheese and Branston with bacon sandwich for total accuracy. Many use flying for practical purposes but not me - like to talk about the engine or the weather and enjoy the senation of speed from 3000' - yet another series of Last of the Summer Wine' could be centred around our flying group - its just great fun.

Over and out!

Jerry Davies

Jerry Davies, Cardiff, UK

Fanrastic! I have a (sort of) friend whoÂ´se a helicopter pilot, and you just described him perfectly! Right down to the Branston! One extra thing, he wears sweaters with leathe patches on the elbows......

Peter, Vienna, Austria

'They never think: â€œI bought this plane to make my life more convenient but in the time Iâ€™ve spent checking it, I could have driven to Leeds.â€'

Sssssh! Donâ€™t go giving them ideas!

Janet, Leeds,

Ahhhh Mr Clarkson. The reason why you don't understand any of it is for the same reason that you cannot operate a BMW fitted with I-Drive........You're thick!!!

Come fly with me and I'll teach you how to use the simplest form of vehicle interface......

Vaughan, Johannesburg, RSA

As a former RAF pilot who now runs a civilian flying school entirely focussed on having fun, I agree with much of what Jeremy has to say. There are, however, glorious exceptions. We offer people the opportunity to fulfill their Top Gun fantasies (well, the flying related ones anyway), and show people with no flying experience how to fly the world's top stunt planes, chase each other around the sky looking for a firing solution, scream "GUNS GUNS GUNS" as they press the trigger, cheer as smoke billows out of the bad sky accompanied by the obligatory "Yeeehah, Jester's dead" and its home in time for tea and medals! Ultimate High? Itâ€™s not just a clever nameâ€¦. ;-)

Mark Greenfield, Kemble, Glos

Brilliant - but you have confined your attention to a small (and, I infer) rich subset of private pilots. These are the knob twiddlers and button pressers. Go to the BHPA and BMAA membership to find some fun loving creatures.

Ray, Dartmouth,

You are really hilarious......

John Boucher, Kimberley, South Africa

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Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.