Jeremy Clarkson
Pick up your copy of Joy Division: Closer at WHSmith today
Oh deary me. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth last week when the most extensive report ever compiled into the state of children’s television found that our kids are being brought up on a diet of American violence, schmaltz and pink fluffy nonsense.
The figures were terribly gloomy. Just nine years ago, 22% of shows made by the BBC and ITV were for kids. Now, it’s just 4%. And as a result, fewer than one in five children’s programmes on British television are actually made here.
This produced a torrent of angry missives to the nation’s blogs. Angry middle-aged people from all over Surrey and Sussex raged furiously, saying that children should be made to watch wholesome Enid Blyton stories. And that they must be broadcast mute and with subtitles in Latin.
Oh for heaven’s sake. Yes, Enid Blyton was tremendous 40 years ago. I particularly enjoyed the Famous Five series. Especially, although I did not know why at the time, when the smugglers took the tousle-haired Georgina to a cave and tied her up. But times change.
And children change, too. My grandfather was born up a chimney and was only allowed out when it was time for him to be beaten. My father looked forward to the orange and piece of string he was given every year at Christmas. I spent most of my childhood watching television. And my kids pass the time doing anything but. Apart from The Simpsons and Doctor Who, I cannot get them to watch it at all.
The rot set in during an episode of Planet Earth. David Attenborough had just shown us a charming little bird of paradise that danced about in a funny way and my youngest daughter was much taken with it. “I’d like to see that again,” she said, happily.
But of course, this being television, she couldn’t. So on to the internet she went, where, hey presto, she found the clip on a BBC website. And then she found lots of other clips as well. Just the good bits with all the talking taken out.
This, to her, was perfect entertainment. And why wouldn’t it be? It’s how we watch porn films. You fast-forward through the bits where the plumber comes up the drive, and the lady in a nightie makes him a cup of tea, and slow it down when the action starts.
Now my daughter only really watches YouTube. There’s no plot. No Attenborough explaining stuff. No tedious instructions on how to make a space helmet out of a squeezy bottle. No adverts. Just loads of people falling off their bicycles and catching fire. And when she finds one she likes a lot, she watches it over and over again. For nothing.
How can television possibly compete with that? When I was eight, I watched Marine Boy because on a wet Thursday afternoon in October, there was absolutely nothing else to do.
Now, kids have got YouTube, Xbox, MSN, MySpace, text, e-mail, PSP, DVD and Sky+. All the world’s ones and noughts have been harnessed for their edification and you’re not going to drag them back to the box with a bunch of jolly-what-tally-ho Enid kids in big shorts getting into scrapes with smugglers. That was then, and it’s as gone as the ruff and tuberculosis.
Every week (starting tonight incidentally) I make a television programme called Top Gear. But I never watch it. What I do is watch my children watching it. And it’s depressing. Because they only really perk up when someone falls in a lake. Whenever there’s talking, they start to unpick the stitching in the sofa. It isn’t that they have a limited attention span. They haven’t got one at all.
There is no solution to this. Forcing broadcasters to make shows for children is a complete waste of time. Because to make anything they want to see, it would have to be a nonstop orgy of fire, and people getting their heads stuck in lifts.
Fearne Cotton would have to be injured every five seconds and then at the end she’d have to explode. And they couldn’t fake it because that’s not allowed any more. She really would have to say: “That’s it for this week kids, and now I’m going to blow up.”
The best thing I can suggest is not to worry. Ofcom says the vast majority of programmes for children are stupid American cartoons. And this is true. But they’re all shown on faraway distant satellite channels. And no one is watching them.
If you look behind the hysterical headlines, you’ll discover that the most watched children’s programme on television is Evacuation, a British-made BBC reality show that gives kids a taste of what it was like to be an evacuee in the second world war.
The top 20 is almost all British-made. You’ve got Blue Peter at two, Newsround at three, Jackanory at 10 and so on. The old wholesome favourites are still there. It’s just that in our day, they were watched by 5m and today they are watched by about half a dozen. The rest? The missing hordes? Well they’re doing something else, but we mustn’t worry because honestly the kids are all right.
My big problem is that broadcasters will react to the report by redoubling their efforts to win back an audience that simply isn’t there any more. This will mean there’ll be even fewer programmes for those who really do watch television. People who don’t have a PlayStation or an account with My Book. People who don’t go out on a Saturday night. We’re called adults.
The message then is simple. Sod the children. And bring back Minder.

Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.
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Don't feel bad, out of the 20 channels I can pick up "free", 5 are Spanish, 4 are religious, 3 are children's only, there is a channel that plays it's logo 24/7, and a couple that are filled with Violent Police dramas and "sitcoms" that ruthlessly continue to remind the American Male that he is not the decision maker , and his overweight useless self would not survive without all "her" hard work and intelligence, and having testicles, is evil.
To get any un-biased automotive journalism (anything that disagrees with Honda and Toyota products being refined from pure unicorn tears) I need to spend my Sunday evenings tying up obscene amounts of bandwidth to download a Silly auto show, produced on some island thousands of miles away, where they drive on the wrong side of the road, are unaware of the invention of a comb, and Think all Americans are overweight and can't put together a rational thought.. the last part must have been gathered From apparently watching too many sitcoms
Jeffrey Lloyd, Tampa, Florida, United States.
People in this modern world have you complain about something. Because if they don't their lives suddenly become devoid of meaning. So, then they go on the internet, tv or radio and complain about how pen lids are killings our children.
This is evident in the child T.V shows argument.
Everyone wants to ban something.
So to solve all our problems lets just ban people.
Matthew Sasso, Sydney, Australia
My 5-year-old devours ABC Kids (that's the Australian ABC) before and after pre-school. Most of their stuff is pretty good - Australian, British, American (PBS), Canadian and even surprisingly good French. (And Pocoyo, which is Spanish but narrated by Stephen Fry). We don't have cable, but we can get 6 kids' DVDs (heavily Disney and My Little Pony) from the local video store every week for $11. I can also recommend the complete works of Roald Dahl on 27 CDs (in a zip-up tin) for long car trips.
But for bedtime stories for the last few weeks she's DEMANDED Enid Blyton's seemingly endless Wishing Chair Adventures. Not a CD, but me actually reading it to her.
And welcome back Top Gear - I suppose SBS will finally get around to showing it sometime late in 2008?
David, Sydney, Australia
It is true that television and its younger audience has become much more fragmented. It is not all bad news though Jeremy. My son is 16 years old and like many of his friends of both genders, thoroughly enjoys Top Gear - not just the cars but the mind set - the action and the verbal sparring. We enjoy our cars. We like to ski the mountains and dive the oceans. For all the people whose mission is to make our existence mind numbingly boring I have a simple message. It's going to be a very long job! After we've worked hard and been out to play, then we may choose to watch TV. We just choose carefully. I don't watch that much but I want to enjoy what I do watch.
There is now much more choice. The audience is more discerning. The Internet gives people yet more choice, as does satellite broadcasting. People won't just obediently consume the schedule makers' decisions like they used to. They don't need to any more! Neither do our children. Keep up the great work with Top Gear by the way!
Richard, Selsey, UK
Well, that's the most extraordinary collection of responses to a JC article I've ever seen. Barely anyone (apart, perhaps, from the obvious childrens tv programme maker Mr Childs) can find it in themselves to disagree with you.
The question is, are you becoming mainstream? Or is it just that you have always actually been right, and the mainstream is coming round to you?
PS For my nominated country, I have today chosen Kyrgyzstan. This is selected from a list sent out this week by my local NHS trust to all local school children, and I feel that it deserves the recognition of being posted here. I, at least, have never heard of it before.
Andrew, Bridgnorth, Kyrgyzstan
My teens watch the likes of Heroes, and before that Buffy: storytelling done well. The Yanks make a lot of good television fare for teenagers....and have done for a while, from "The WOnder Years" to "Malcolm in the Middle". It's expensive stuff to produce, and the UK broadcasters/producers are unwilling to commit those kinds of resources. Hence the imports.
My youngest loves stuff like Tracy Beaker and Raven, and even the Chuckle Brothers. He's 5. His favourite shows are the big budget BBC Natual History unit programmes like the Blue Planet, that he gets in the form of freebie DVDs.
On a positive note. Youtube is not just passive. Many kids are making their own content, daft or otherwise. They learn storytelling and editing skills on the job. Kids never had it so good.
Nick, Halifax, UK
From the US, I've noticed the same pattern in my own children's viewing habits, but I don't lament. The rubbish on regular TV here isn't edifying or defendable. Reality shows can 'suck you in' but when they're over, you're more dumb and you've wasted the time.
But you can only watch a guy falling-off a skateboard just so-many times until you desire more thoughful fare. Children learn this, so when they have free-time, they enjoy a DVD of Star Trek or a racing video game, I'm pleased. Better than 'Big Brother'. BTW, many of our kids-programs have Japanese names in the credits.
I enjoy watching u-tube myself and Top Gear is possibly my favorite view there--it doesn't play here on TV that I know of.
Bob Hrenchir, Paola, USA, Kansas
Jeremy makes the mistake many âcelebâ parents fall into â assuming the lifestyle in his home is typical. Itâs not. Kids love stories, and though they find them in new places they still turn to TV. If Jeremy had actually read Ofcomâs report, he'd find that kids watch more children's TV than ever before, and the shows they like best are UK made. To say that broadcasters will start chasing the kidsâ audience couldnât be more wrong. The report reveals commercial stations getting out of making kidsâ content because it doesnât pay. ITV hasnât commissioned a new kidsâ TV show for 18 months â they just run repeats. Weâre losing the programmes which tell our kids their own stories, in their own voices, and help them grow up. Without a good mixed diet â including home-grown dramas and factual programmes - theyâll be even more likely to be tackling car immobilisers! Think on Mr C. Sign the petition on the Downing Street website to save kidsâ TV http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/kidstelevision
Greg Childs, London, UK
Just one more thought...
I wonder how Jeremy would feel if he was told that there was really no need to make any more Top Gear programmes as there are plenty of episodes which the BBC could repeat, and anyway thereâs a much cheaper programme we can buy from the States.... Sign that petition Jeremy - it could be you next!
Greg Childs, London, UK
I was really ready to disagree with any of the points you were about to raise in your article, but agree with a good majority of your views especially with regards to how the media has moved on in recent times.
the only problem with utube and the other portal video sites is that there isn't enough depth to the waves of people falling over or the numerious experiments with mentos and coke cola.
the internet and the way people experience tv has changed greatly in the past 10-15 years & trying to get the kids into what we were into probably seems as pedistran as muffin the mule was when I was a child.
I do think there is a short fall with the content that the bbc is producing, as with many other content providers they are still getting to grips with the internet and how to use it as a tool to broadcast. But of all the companies in the world I feel the bbc are the best out there they could do a lot more with the hours of television just siting in store rooms not being utilise
stefan, brigton,
My kids watch Top Gear! By the way, why does Richard Hammond now look like a low rent version of Nigel Havers?
Jo, Thame, UK
This is a real shame. I was born in England in 1984 and moved to America (pity me) at age 7. The UK always seemed like the golden land of kid shows with everything from Blue Peter, to The Crystal Maze, to The Dennis the Menace & Gnasher Show, to Knightmare. What happened? Why the change?
By the way, most of the American crap, and that's what it is, kid shows are either stolen from Japan and redubbed or are Americans copying the Japanese style.
This lack of children's programming isn't just a UK problem. Only a few years ago, there were 3-4 US broadcast channels that dedicated all of Saturday morning to children's shows. Now there is only one and their ratings are rubbish.
P.S. I LOVE Top Gear (I get it via BitTorrent). I now steal as many Jeremy Clarkston as I do from Rowan Atkinson. Since most Americans have no idea who either one is, they think I'm being original! Also, The Stig is now my personal hero.
Ian Carter, Gates, Oregon
I think that people are judging things by what was the norm 30 or 40 years ago. the same thing, i feel, can be applied to other topical subjects such as global warming. The point that im trying to make, which is echoed in this article, is that things change with time, and so do people, so deal with it!
matty g, Brighton,
Dam i missed the first top gear lol
i dont really watch too much tv, im too busy with doing college work and going out and if i have nothing to do i read a book, i dont want to just sit there and watch the idiot boz for the rest of the day, i have better things to do
there are very few shows i watch on tv but topgear and a couple of other shows is all i watch
Tone, Essex,
I think the BBC at least should go on with making children's telly, especially if it gets us things like The Sarah Jane Adventures, which is actually better than Torchwood, the supposedly adult spin-off! It hardly seems right to me that the kids get the better telly, but if they're not watching it, hey, I'll happily enjoy it instead.
dtl, Glasgow, Scotland
I wouldn't say 'It's ok with TV and with our kids'. But neither can I disagree with the author that we shouldn't go into hysterics all the days long about the issue.
Still, I guess we'd better try to do at least something to attract the kids not to the horror-films or Simpsons but to something more spiritual. And the broadcasters may play first fiddle: parents can't control their children continually. But even when they can it appears from time to time the only choice we've got is Futurama and the like. Believe me, children still like to watch good cartoons with beautiful characters (not like most of the contemporary ones - I get astounded and scared with them). Or 'Sesame Street'! Isn't Big Bird really popular? Tinies - they just do not know all this ugly stuff, yet. And the longer we guard them from it the better. Why not at least try?
Darya, Voronezh, Russia
An interesting and relevant article. The underlying point is that as technology changes it is the younger generation that adjusts quickest and adopts the tech as its own. There will always be the equivalent of the silver surfer, but children will lead the way. Will we draw children back to TV? Unlikely. There is however one fundamental difference between the internet and the forms of entertainment that have gone before: the absence of state regulation... TV was regulated but the internet is not (barring parental controls). This, for me, is the most concerning factor.
Tony, Orpington,
3 Clarkson articles in one day. The ST is really spoiling us. Just one thing you got wrong Jeremy. My kids don't switch off during the talky bits of Top Gear - just so long as they're funny or rude, or you and the other 2 are arguing. Celeb on the sofa? Usually a snoozefest. Still better than 8 o'clock bed time though, apparently.
Redcliffe, London,
Something has to happen very soon or we will have kids we have never seen the like of before. If you're a grand parent kids are just about recognisable now as to what they get up to but they are so loud in the street, have absolutely no fear of getting killed on their cycles or is that no respect for the driver. Adults used to be able to say "Nothing's new, we did that when we were kids" Not any more.
Children ought to be able to find something on television to entertain them to keep their chilhood but I doubt that will happen now.
Janet, Binstead, UK
No, the kids are not alright. They are outside my house trying to by pass the immobiliser on my car. Parents should be forced to lock their vile offspring inside, with a television if they wish. That will leave sensible, ie. childless, adults like me to enjoy their Sundays in peace.
Harry, Manchester, England
I fondly remember my childhood in the late '50s.We didn't haveTV in those days.A radio was a luxury few could afford.
Every evening I had to do my sums, do history lessons and learn poems. Mother used to tell me bed time stories. Once in a blue moon I used to get a treat watching a Laurel Hardy film,
Chaplin's Gold Rush and Peter Pan. I used to do miserably at the examinations.
My son ,however, religiously watches the TV, plays cricket, spends hours chatting on the internet. Yet, he manages to get first class marks with distinction in his MBA examinations.
a.k.upadhyay, Lucknow, India
wow .. nice article .. i've read that and really impressed of what's written here .. on one side it's true that everything's changing and especially the kids .. i'm 28 now but I still remember how it was when I was a kid .. and need to say that i wouldn't agree that watching a lousy TV is so right .. I also know that it's very hard to stop them watching it cause they're really like it! but watching explosions. horrors. porn films, murderes all day long will hurt their minds, way of looking at what surrounds them! will only help to loose the sense of reality and the most important for me their sensitivity and understanding other people's feelings and problems!
thank you
Sylwia, Radom, Poland