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From The Sunday Times
October 14, 2007

It’s a man’s game being a rugby ref

Jeremy Clarkson

Unbelievable. What a match. Having proved to the Australians that they aren’t even any good at sport, we took on the French in the semi-finals . . . and won.

Or lost. It’s hard to say for sure because today’s Friday and the match hasn’t happened yet. But one thing’s certain: when it does I’ll be there, glued to the screen, with my boy and some beers, talking a load of absolute codswallop.

The problem is that I like rugby very much and I have many opinions about who should do what and when, but never having played I do not have the first clue what’s going on. I have no idea why the forwards play at the back and the backs at the front. And nor do I understand what’s meant by “the blind side”.

I can’t see why one side of the pitch is blind and the other is in full view. It all makes no sense.

And it makes even less sense when 140 tons of beef all lands in a big muddy lump on top of the ball and you have no idea what on earth is going on in there. Not until the referee blows his whistle, does some signing for the deaf and decides that someone at the bottom of the pile has let go too soon, or not at all, or come in from the side or made the ball go forwards and that as a result, another big muddy lump must be formed to get the game going again.

Despite all this, though, you have to love the collisions, the moments when someone with thighs made from oak and a chest the size of a tugboat smashes into a winger with such ferocity that you wonder how his skeleton hasn’t just disintegrated into a million pieces.

That and the fights, those cherished moments when a man mountain smashes his fist, which is the size of a Christmas ham, into someone else’s face and all hell breaks loose. Brilliant.

And that brings us on to the referee who, instead of wading into the melee and showering the participants with red cards, simply asks everyone to calm down, pauses while the more badly injured have their noses and ears sewn back on, and then restarts the game.

Compare this attitude with the homosexual nonsense we see in football. Flick someone’s earlobe in a game of football and some jumped-up little gnome, sweating like a rapist, will mince over and order you off the pitch.

What’s more, a rugby referee is not so drunk on power that he won’t go to the video ref if he’s not sure. The commentators complain about this but I think it’s marvellous: the chap knows how important this game is to the players and he wants to make sure he gets the decision right.

Football refs are not allowed to consult technology even though, so far as I can see, they never ever make a correct decision. No really. They don’t notice when the ball goes over the goal line, they send players off for breathing and do nothing when Ronaldo hurls himself to the ground and claws at his face as though he’s been showered with acid.

And you can’t argue with these power-crazed idiots because then you get sent off as well.

Do you know a football referee? Do you know anyone who knows a football referee? Have you ever even met anyone who sold a dog to someone who knows a football referee? No. And don’t you think that’s weird? I know an astronaut. I’ve even met someone who makes a living from sexing the Queen’s ducks. But I’ve never met a football ref.

Perhaps they’re bred on farms, like The Boys from Brazil. Either that or they all hide behind meaningless day jobs in PC World, emerging only on a Saturday like a troop of SuperNazis with their too-tight Hitler Youth shorts and their silly whistles.

It’s not just football either. The unseen referees in Formula One motor racing distinguish themselves every year by getting every single decision wrong. Only the other week a Polish driver was made to come and sit on the naughty step because he had the temerity to try to overtake a rival.

Then there’s Wimbledon. Half a trillion pounds’ worth of electronic projections say the ball was out. But sometimes, and I often feel for the hell of it, the umpire calls it in.

And then docks the player points if he objects. But what’s the player supposed to do? He’s been on a court, solidly, since he was old enough to vomit. He’s never been out with a girl, he’s never had a beer, he’s never been allowed to masturbate. He has dedicated his whole life to this match and this moment and now some jumped-up power-crazed lunatic has denied him the point.

Of course he’s going to be angry. Of course he’s going to throw his racket on the floor.

If I were in charge of tennis, I would allow aggrieved players to actually punch the officials in certain circumstances.

Either that, or I would get them all down to Twickenham to see how it should be done.

They will note that rugby refs josh and joke with the players. They give off a sense that they’re pleased to be out there and – by constantly issuing instructions during rucks and mauls - that they are on hand to offer advice, as much as they are to enforce the rules.

I was going to say that they are the most important feature in rugby. But obviously that’s not true. The most important feature in the game, of course, is watching Australia lose.

Again.

David from Glasgow,

How can you say football is more exciting than rugby!!!

A football match could, and regularly does, end in a nil - nil score. What is the pont? Rugby is far more productive and much more entertaining. Have you ever seen a rugby game that ends nil - nil?

Janette, Northwich,

Spot on JC.

I grew up living, breathing, drinking and occasionally playing rugby and even ignoring the obvious comparisons with Wendyball, it has taught me more about morals, values and social skills than any other activity I've ever undertaken (apart from that one tour to Prague - but that's another story).

Yes, winning is everything of course, but systematically ripping lumps out of your opposite number for 80 minutes, having the same treatment given in return, and then immediately sharing in the joy of playing the game over a few beers is something I'll never want to lose.

And we don't prance around with hairnets on, wearing nylon boots either. Our scrum half walked in with a fake tan once - he was handcuffed to a 19 stone prop with questionable hygiene habits for 12 hours as a pennance. He didn't do it again. Our supporters are courteous, respectful of the fairer sex and can drink without chanting nonsense or punching each other.

Andy, Nottinghamshire, England

I wouldn't say all rugby refs aren't drunk enough on power to consult the vid. If that kid who reffed the France-NZ match had gone to the vid (or just plain payed attention), England would have been facing NZ in the semis and we'd be talking about a NZ-South Africa final...

Can't wait for the next series of TG in America.

Sarah, Lakewood, CA, USA

football is far more exciting than a rugby match. football just brings out the excitement, unlike rugby.

i don't agree with this article, but i've got some homework to do on it.

David, Glasgow,

You are so wide of the mark this time it hurts, i tune in every week to snigger at your ´wise´remarks. Rugby is for tossers. Football is for the common man. And make no mistake about it Jezzza, you are common.

Phil, Las Palmas, Spain

Jeremy, you are the voice of reason and proof that I am also normal. Keep it up but do try to speak your mind!

Fred Simpson, Crowborough,

It's a woman's game watching you armchair athletes guzzling your beer, growing your gut and ogling the sexily-clad female tennis stars.

Arlene , Sydney, Australia

In England it's not about winning the cup, its about the taking part and beating the Ozzies, Argentinians or Germans in whatever sport.

Phill Barlow, The Wirral, England

homosexual nonsense what a great way to describe football
keep up the good work

seamus, dublin, ireland

Watched a game at the weekend and was wired up to the ref so could hear every word, one comment after a little fracas from the ref to one player
"he put his foot on him that's all,not stamping"
to the player who was lying on the ground
"you don't overeact, DONT go all FOOTBALL on us, NOW Everybody get on with it"

Kind of sums it up really doesn't it, must be said most of the behaviour seen towards premiership referees wouldn't be allowed on a sunday league pitch, but the FA wouldn't support the referee booking or sending off 3,4 or 5 players off per game for dissent. Having said that how long would it take for the players to get the message?

House, Midlands, uk

Well done Jeremy. I'm a 60 year old Cornish grandmother. Love you Phil !!. and an ardent rugby fan. Soccer wimps, eat your hearts out. I want England to win on Saturday but if they don't I'll still cheer for our team because they are absolutely brilliant and and gallant. Of course, having a Cornishman in charge is a complete bonus. However, this is an England thing and I and my family will be watching the match, laughing and crying whatever the outcome but still proud of our boys because they are the best.

Dawn Boyd, Porthleven, Cornwall

It's not so much the fact that England beat Australia, it's the way the Aussies have taken the defeat. I'm a Pom living in Australia and loving it but I have been amused somewhat since the match by the attitude of the press and media. ''We can't beleive we have lost!'' ''Australia didn't deserve to lose!!'' etc etc. Even a well known booze manufacturer who ran a series of TV ad's taking the mick out of England and English life suddenly stopped being transmitted after the game? Hmmm, great sportsmen and a great country Australia, but sore losers!

Andy H, Brisbane, Australia

Say it as you see it - brilliant. Carry on Jeremy

CD, Epworth, UK

I knew you would be a rugby follower Jeremy - something to do with the shape your body. Agree completely with your comments about rugby v soccer (football), rugby is a game for human beings, soccer is for the birds.

Heather, Wellington, New Zealand

Funny article as ever. But, really, is it necessary to call football 'homosexual'? Why doesn't Jeremy just drop this misuse of the terms gay and homosexual to describe something 'rubbish', 'fussy', 'effete'...It wasn't ever very funny and now he seems to making some kind of point....after the 'ginger beer' rebuke....

Sigh!

Wendy, Barnsley, Yorks

A couple of rugby ref anecdotes:
At one match Martin Johnson was heard to ask Steve Lander, one of the UK's leading referees: "Is that a new law ref?" after Lander had given a penalty against him. Lander turned to Johnson and replied: "Jono, if you'll give up trying to referee this match I will abandon my ambition to be a second row forward." (Steve Lander is about 5 feet 8 inches in height to Johnson's 6 feet, 8 inches).
In another match, Lawrence Dallaglio tried to encourage referee Tony Spreadbury to issue a yellow card to an opposition player. Spreadbury's response was: "Lawrence, if you want cards, WH Smith is about one and a half miles down the road and I'm sure we won't miss you."

Asterix, Hong Kong, Hong Kong

Good one. All of Oz breathed a sigh of relief when the All Blacks lost. We can cop it from the Poms, but the Kiwi's would have been unbearable. Now, regarding Rugby refs, most of them might be OK, but I do worry about my pommie mate Roger, (who sent me this link). Wouldn't want it to go to his head....

Bring on the cricket season....quickly!

AG, Waikiki, WA, Australia

Rugby? Was there a rugby match?

For a fantastic sporting contest watch the Women's Netball World Championships next month in NZ.
NZ is seeded 1 , Australia 2,.Jamaica 3

Rosemary, sydney, australia

I'm not sure where Bernard Taylor watches his rugby but in my neck of the woods it is a sport for hooligans, played by hooligans. That's its charm. A rugby pitch and a shed: the last places on earth where a man can feel at home.

Soccer could learn a lot from rugby when it comes to how to treat the ref. The 10 metre rule is just part of it. Want to speak with him? Then call him sir. Disagree with a ruling? Tough. Don't follow his instructions? Get thumped by your captain.

The only time a rugby team can surround the ref is at the conclusion of the match when he is applauded off the pitch regardless of how well he played.

Rugby refs are as bad as those for soccer but we don't let that get in the way of the sport.

Derek Smith, Brighton, UK

Excellent article and could not agree more but, Jeremy, how did you survive an English public school without ever playing rugby?

T Goeste, Jo'burg,

Well clearly you haven't had the chance to watch REAL football. You know - the AUSSIE FOOTY! Where the umpires act as though they weren't good enough to be footballers themselves so they got the second best job and are still a bit miffed about it, where one player comments on another players shorts and they start beating the shite out of one another till soon the whole team joins in - and NO ONE breaks it up? You haven't lived Jezza. Luv ya anyway!

Jam Marie, Mount Gambier, SA, Australia

Jeremy, as an avid rugby fan, I have to agree with everything you've said. And the next time someone tries to tell me that football is a much better sport, I shall simply refer them to this article.

Gemma, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Beating New Zealand is always the most important thing for us Aussies. Perhaps that's why we don't seem to play all that well against England. Normally, I would be quite happy to see the All Blacks beaten, but seeing the All Blacks beaten by France on the scoreboard was surprisingly hard to take. Not because they or the French played well or badly or brilliantly or boringly, but because the game was delivered to France by some absolutely appalling bits of refereeing.

England should have been playing NZ in the semis.

In a way, I'm quite glad they didn't - seeing England beat us followed by the possibility having to watch the All Blacks beat England would have been too much to bear [NB. before the Sweet Chariots get up in arms, just a possibility].

May the best team win the final, unassisted by the referee. After the NZ-France game, I wish I had more confidence in that.

Mike, Sydney, Australia

Australia very rarey lose at the rugby I watch. The best rugby team in Australia isn't the Wallabies.

Steffy, London,

As a football ref, I can tell you that there are about 25,000 of us in this country all doing their bit for the game. The vast majority of us do not have the luxury of a "video ref" but instead have to make a decision based on one view of an incident. It's easy to slag us off but who in their right mind would go out on a cold wet Sunday to be abused for 90 minutes by a bunch of hairy-armed gorillas that kick anything that moves in their direction. As an alternative, you should try and control 22 teenagers that are rude, insolent and want to argue every decision.There is much to be said about the respect a referee gets in rugby as we get very little from players, managers and football commentators, most of whom wouldn't know the offside law if it came up and smacked them in the face.
Yes, we are fairly anonymous but without us, the games would not be played!!

Ray Herb, the ref, Sunbury-on-Thames, Middx

Very unsporting I'm sure our Ozzie and NZ friends are cheering England on, as our Scottsh and Welsh, let alone Irish compatriots are. Thanks, Celtic fringe, we know you love us, we value your support.
Was that Ozzie manager O'Neill run in for hate crime by the way - or just sacked from international rugby's high table?
In the S Times item of rugby pundits commenting on the world cup, did I detect a bit of whinging from Sean Fitzpatrick on the refereeing of France - NZ ? Dents the image of the tough Kiwi it has to to be said. Whinging Ozzies and Kiwis, what next, whinging Boks?

BigT, Oxford, UK

That's so true about rugby referees - The best in the entire sporting world. Bring on the finals!

Megan, Norwich,

Nice one Jezza. Your insights are as usual the highlight of my Sunday.

Robinson, London, UK

Remember a few years ago a Sarf Efrican behemoth trundled over to add his sixpennorth to a referee 's lecture on violence. The referee pushed him in the chest without really looking at him and said:''Go away''. He did!

gwilym rhys-jones, costa del sol, spain

I agree with Jeremy Clarkson. About all that England has to offer world sport these days is hoping that Australia will lose. Australians care more about losing than Poms do about winning, considering how rarely it happens. Its lucky that, unlike Jeremy, I enjoy England winning something because it doesn't happen enough to be worrying. I urge all sportsmen to emigrate immediately, especially Johnny Wilkinson.

Convictman, Canberra, Australia

Rugby players are said to behave like animals on the field and true gentlemen off it. The Cobras Rugby team here exemplify that quality.

SD Goh, PJ, Malaysia

Nice take on referees.... was interesting to watch Michel Platini take in a Rugby match at his old stomping ground of St Etienne and to see the bemused look on his face when players took hits, went down... and then got up again...as opposed to pastry puff soccer players waiting for their Oscar nomination before their miraculous recovery.

I hope he also took note of the sin bin in Rugby. Would be a great idea in football. For the most cynical of tactical "professional" fouls, would love it when a yellow card means sitting out the game for 10 minutes.

How about also the Rugby idea of giving up ten yards if you don't retreat or talk back to the ref. I cannot stand to see football players race up into the referees face and yell at him on every contentious call... they wouldn't do it if it would cost them 10 yards... or maybe they would, I wouldn't give some of them too much credit for intelligence :)

TomCayman, George Town, Cayman Islands

A well known comparison - Rugby is a hooligan's game played by gentlemen whereas soccer is a gentleman's game played by hooligans.

Bernard Taylor, Hayling Island, Hants, England

Having lived abroad for nearly 30 years, I feel totally alien to the British attitudes to a lot of things, until i read Clarkson every Sunday and laugh out loud- look foreward to next weeks column.

Sally Zoumboulaki, Crete, Greece

Twickenham, Jezza? Watch the real game anywhere else, e.g somewhere north or east of there! Otherwise you run the risk of turning into a fullon, Sunday Times ciabatta-eating onanist.
Ciao!
Mike Samuels

mike samuels, stockport, cheshire

So I guess you'd agree that Wayne Barnes, who had a huge role in the outcome of last week's quarterfinal when he sent someone off for being being deliberately run into, should be reffing football instead? Couldn't agree more....

Wishing top gear would be back on the TV here in HK....

James, Hong Kong,

What an awesome column this week! Nice to know someone feels the same as me!

Sanoobar Patel, London, UK

Punching the referee is what we get in football is it not?
I have always said violence on the pitch, violence off it. At least we do not have rugby hooligans/

billcarr, turku, finland

Your so funny. Dead right too.....

John, Carramar, West Australia

It seems Jeremy that you have the same opinion as many South Africans.There is no greater pleasure than watching Australia lose to their opponents. btw I love Top Gear, really great show

Nathan, Cape Town,

Brilliant as always Jeremy, please keep up the good work... even though I am Australian.

Leigh Reading, Gold Coast, Australia

Well said Jermyn. Australia is no good at sport; we haven’t played it for years. It’s all about winning here and nether mind how. I am surprised the Wallabies plane wasn’t diverted to Quantanamo Bay on its way home for losing yet again to England.

Ian Davis, Sydney, Australia

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