Jeremy Clarkson
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Almost every day a politician comes onto the news and tells us all that Britain’s town centres are being overrun by teenage gangs who drink vast quantities of cider and then run about all night stabbing passers-by. While the event is videoed on mobile phones for the edification of YouTube viewers.
It all sounds frightful, but frankly they could be talking about events on the moons of Jupiter because, happily, I live in Chipping Norton, where a lost kitten is front page news. Of course there are teenagers here, and some of them have hoodies, but mostly they are called Araminta and Harry, and I’ve never once got the feeling they want to plunge a kitchen knife into my heart.
It’s the same story in Notting Hill, where I spend the working week. While dining in restaurants such as E & O, I have no real sense that outside the window, gangs of 14-year-olds are lurking in the shadows, eager to punch me in the face for a moment’s glory on the internet.
Last week, however, I had to go to Milton Keynes. It was my youngest daughter’s birthday and she wanted to spend the afternoon at the town’s snow dome. Directions were sent, and then more, with even greater detail about how this indoor Alp might be found. But none of this was really necessary, because you just head for the largest building ever created by man.
It’s a brilliant place, all full of snow and vending machines offering energy drinks. But sadly, because of Mr Blair’s smoking ban, you have to go outside for a cigarette, which puts you slap-bang in one of the happy-slapping town centres the politicians keep talking about.
I wasn’t even remotely bothered when the swarm of children first approached. I figured they were fans of Top Gear and wanted to know about Richard Hammond’s head. But no. What they wanted to know most of all was if I had any security.
I asked them politely to leave me alone. I walked away. I even walked away a bit more. But they kept coming. And so, figuring that attack was probably the best form of defence, I grabbed the ringleader by his hoodie, lifted him off the ground and explained, firmly, that it’d be best if he went back to his tenement.
He declined. They all did. In fact they all reached for their mobile phones and began to take pictures of the altercation. And that put me in a tricky spot . . .
I have reached the age where I am no longer able to tell how old a child is. The boy I was holding could have been 18. Or he could have been eight. And if he did turn out to be eight, I figured the photographs could look a bit like bullying.
So, weirdly, I was standing there holding this boy by the scruff of his neck, and instead of worrying about being stabbed I was actually thinking: “Jesus, I’m going to get done for assault if I’m not careful.”
I therefore put him down, and in a flurry of swearing and hand gestures involving various fingers he was gone. Leaving the entire nation with a very serious problem.
It’s this. Plainly this boy’s parents are useless, allowing him to be out and about on the streets, harassing passers-by at will. Think about it. Every single time one of these children is found stabbed or shot, his mum and stepdad always tell the papers he was a “good lad”. And that he “didn’t deserve to die”.
And nobody ever says: “Well, if he was such a frigging angel, what was he doing on a derelict building site at four in the morning, you halfwits?” He didn’t deserve to die, for sure, but you do, for having the parenting skills of a Welsh dresser.
There’s an equally big problem at school. Children, as far as I can see, are at liberty to do just about anything to one another at school because there is absolutely nothing the teacher can do. Not without being hauled out of the classroom by some frizzy-haired human rights lawyer, sacked and sent to prison.
The police? Oh come on. They are far too busy filling in health and safety forms and processing speeding tickets to be bothered with every single gang of teenage ruffians. Which means that every single gang of teenage ruffians is completely free to go out and do whatever it pleases.
And we – the normal people who see town centres as somewhere to go to buy takeaway food or organise a loan for a new house – can’t do anything either because a) the politicians keep telling us all these kids are tooled up like special forces hitmen, and b) if we stand up for ourselves we will spend the next 40 years in the Scrubs fighting off the unwelcome advances of Pinkski, the Albanian nonce.
Happily I think I have a solution. Nothing can be done about the parents because they are too thick. It’d be like trying to train a hedgehog to smoke a pipe. We can’t rely on the police either – not without unpicking every single thing done by new Labour in the past 10 years.
And, I’m sorry, but even if the law is changed so that adults are allowed to defend themselves, you’d think twice about poking a boy in the eye or slamming his head in a car door if you thought his friends had machetes down their trouser legs.
The only place where this issue can be tackled, then, is at school. So you fit airport-style metal detectors at the doors to ensure no pupil is packing heat, you put all the troublemakers in one class and you give the teacher in charge immunity from criminal charges. And a sub-machinegun.
Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.
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This is from the US, where problems abound. I agree with Ken S, because the parents have about as much control of the situation as the teachers do. I raised a grandson to age 20, and he got into the drug scene by age 12 in spite of my spending many hours with him and doing my best to keep him away from all of that. Last spring (2007) he witnessed a drug related murder, and that focused his attention. He kicked the meth habit, got a job and was straightening his life out. But two months ago he was killed, only five days before he was to testify about that murder, for the prosecution. He was lured into a private home, unarmed, and shot dead. The bait was his infant daughter. The DA will not even prosecute his killer, citing the make my day law (even though it excludes cases where a child or grandchild is involved)! One gets the feeling that the jurists and police are very culpable in this, and it seems clear that our new self defense laws will be used for premeditated murders.
Dr. John R. Wright, Cotter, Arkansas USA
Well said TPK, the only problem is more Police means more money, our goverment will just not spend money on Police that don't generate income (Speeding and on the spot fines), if they can't hit the motorist they're just not interested!!! they would rather spend a little less on "community officers" that have as much clout as a sponge hammer!!! and millions on smoking adverts that achieve diddly squat!!! lets get real, only the few know where the real problems are and they're not in goverment !!!!!
KEN S, SEDGEFIELD, COUNTY DURHAM
Despite what Jeremy says, the problem IS the police.
Last time I visited central London I walked for a whole day without seeing a single policeman on the beat. And even if there was one, what would they do if faced with trouble.
I contrast that with my home town of Melbourne, Australia. On most street corners in the CBD there will be a pair of police. They are armed. If somebody pulls a knife, the police shoot them. If they mouths-off at the police they get capsicum sprayed or Tazered.
The answer to street crime is to put lots of police on the streets with the mandate to use violence on troublemakers. Then you can walk the streets without fear.
As an aside I am always shocked at the easy availability of alcohol in England. Australian's have a reputation of being big drinkers, but you can't drink on the street here. In England... "waiting for a train? Have some beers", "On the train? Have some beers", "Walking down the street? Drink beer!" No wonder there is so much violence
Simon TPK, Melbourne, Australia
Mmmmm Hoodies !!!!! so they're tough !!!. I have a solution, bring our troops back from Irag and Afganistan, give the hoodies uniforms (with hoods of course) and send them out there........... then we'll see how tough they are.............. Problem sorted, everyones happy :-)
Ken S, Sedgefield , County Durham
erm.........isn't it about time your photograph bore some resemblence to 2008ish????
chrissy shipley, charlton, london
Spot on JC. Long time ago one could've argued parents ought to bring up their "kids" (aka animals) a bit better. But as you say, thatd be "like trying to train a hedgehog to smoke a pipe". No, we simply need to do what they do in China (who no leftist objects against because they're nice little commies over there): forced abortion on people getting pregnant who blatantly cant take care of their kids. Anyone slips through, bring back capital punishment and boot camp. And police worth their name (no "sir" Ian Bliar, that doesn't include you, we'll sack you 'cause you utterly FAILED). Zero tolerance a la NYC under Giuliani. Did I hear someone screaming "FASCIST!"...? No, you naive anarchist. It's called common sense. You just prefer roaming the streets ruining normal tax payers' lives but unforttunately for you, the majority prefers you in a jail far, far, far away...
Robert , London, UK
I LOVE YOU
however it seems that dads don't like you...hmm
Callaghan Doherty, Leeds,
why only a sub machine gun?
Steve, Southampton,
Good on you Mr C!! Reading your forthright advocacy of chavicide has certainly made my day!!! We could do with columnists like you, and political leadership with your down-to-earth sanity and guts, in New Zealand, a society so thoroughly corrupted by crim-loving so-called humanitarians and civil libertarians, penal reformers and others of similar ilk that law-abiding citizens who dare to defend themselves against assault, or their homes against invasion by predatory thugs, risk being treated as more criminal than their attackers.
Peter Tuffley, Christchurch , New Zealand
Hey Clarkson you are a genius.! My family and I are huge fans of your show Top Gear and I find myself agreeing with your comments nearly every time. I live in America and we have the same problems about teens as well. Liberals are trying to rule the world and the are doing a damn good job.
Jason Croteau, Webster , Ma
Mr Clarkson, you're spot on yet again. So....when you going to run for PM?? You'll get the backing of the majority of us forces boys. Go for it :)
Steve, Newquay, UK
I'm agree that the law has put the innocent member of the public in a very difficult position when confronted by a gang of hoodied tearaways. But instead of moaning about the sad angry crys out for help that these delinquent youth act out on a day to day basis, we as a community need to activey tackle the root cause of the problem. Education. We need to drastically shake up the way that education is portayed to children from less financially off communities, and get rid of the stodgy boring image that is held in the minds of many of these youths.
It cannot be stressed enough that the crucial point in a lot of these teenagers lives is 14-16.If they leave secondary school with some sort of idea wth what they want to do with their lives, and a decent set of grades, then there is hope that instead of heading off into the street, they will decide to take on an apprenticeship or further education. If a boy leaves school with no GCSEs and no aspirations, then the system has failed him.
T.K.J, Manchester,
Why is it i truly believe that is the only way to sort this country out? We have become a joke and it's depressing. Being 15 myself i'm often seen as another 'problem child'. A lot of children spend all their time indoor because, if we go out we are treated like murderers. Teachers need more power. The police need to get their act together, and these stupid parents need educating!
Aaron, Stockport, Manchester, England
yep! That sounds about right!
Geoff, Birmingham, UK
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