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From The Sunday Times

December 9, 2007

Enough, I’m gonna torch my antiques

Jeremy Clarkson

According to the Daily Express, falling house prices have now caused house prices to fall. But if I were you, I’d stop worrying about the value of your bricks and mortar and start addressing the value of your furniture.

I do not know why Britain developed a fondness for buying antiques. Perhaps it was the day, at some point in 1952, when people began to think of the past as a better place than the present. Or maybe it’s because we think a Georgian dining table will hold its value well whereas something that came flat-packed in Cellophane from Sweden will be worthless from the moment you take it out of the box. Especially if you choose to make it yourself. Because it will be all covered in arterial splashback.

Giving your children an elegant Victorian hat stand means something. Giving them a red leather button-backed sofa that you bought from DFS in the sales 30 years earlier will just make them angry.

Certainly I’ve always felt this way, which is why my house is full of ancient pieces I’ve picked up at antiques markets and little hidden-away shops over the years. However, the other day a man came round to value my collection for insurance purposes and it seems that a large, all-consuming fire would leave me out of pocket to the tune of £4.50.

He mooched from room to room, examining the various writing desks, grandfather clocks and oak linen chests, and not a single thing aroused even the slightest bit of interest. I live, it seems, in nothing more than a woodworm’s larder.

Here’s the problem. When you go into an antiques shop, the charming man with the wild white hair, the waistcoat and the eccentric spectacles looks like he knows his onions.

But secretly, deep down, you think that there have been 17m furniture makers over the years and that no matter how wise the dealer looks, occasionally he’s going to make a mistake. And accidentally sell you the Ark of the Covenant for £350. Honestly, I always think this. I always think as I leave an antiques shop that I have done the deal of the century.

You only have to watch the Antiques Roadshow to know I’m right. All those old biddies with their surgical stockings and their crinkled-up mouths imagine their carriage clock was made by King Herod himself. But the expert, backed by a team of researchers, the internet and the British Library invariably finds some tiny little detail that proves it was actually made by an unemployed train driver who had the shakes – in 1964. And is therefore worth only 40p.

Oh they all try to look pleased with the valuation. But they’re not. Inside, every single one of them is seething.

And that’s because those of us who buy antiques do so for all the wrong reasons. In our minds we are not spending money. We are investing in the wellbeing of our children. We always think that the umbrella stand we’ve just bought will turn out to have been made by Florence Nightingale, out of Lord Lucan’s tongue. It never occurs to us that it’s plywood and we were ripped off.

I am not suggesting that the antiques market is crooked. I’m sure that by and large it isn’t. But the prices aren’t based on fact. They’re based, like British speed limits, on guesswork, on a vague assumption of what the market will stand.

I have therefore decided to burn all my old stuff, which is better than having eBay people coming round to my house with their smelly bottoms and their Nigerian banker’s drafts, and I’m going to start buying modern.

This is only right and proper. The Victorians did not buy Georgian. The Edwardians did not buy Victorian. And the Heathites did not buy anything unless it was purple. I’m therefore going to get with it. I’m going to buy Brown.

Actually, it all is brown. And unbelievably expensive. I spent a morning touring the shops in Notting Hill and every single thing is £2,500. A kitchen chair that was covered with a peeled cow was £2,500. A coffee table, which was no such thing – it was a log – was £2,500. A rug, which came with the head of an animal still attached, was £2,500.

The sofas, however, were not £2,500. They were much more. And they all came with delivery dates some time in the middle of the next century. Why? A sofa is some nails, some wood, a bit of foam rubber and a sheet of brown Alcantara. Which, according to Wikipedia, is a composite material developed in Japan in the Seventies. So that means it isn’t, and it wasn’t.

Whatever. Give me a hammer and some scissors and I could knock you up a sofa in an afternoon. Any size you like. Oh it wouldn’t be very good, but I suspect the sofas I saw, behind the urban surfer, new edge design, aren’t very good either. Certainly in a hundred years I doubt we will be seeing too many of them cropping up on the Antiques Roadshow.

The trouble is that all this stuff looks very good. It’ll break the bank and it’ll break your back, and because it’s all designed by men in polo-neck jumpers, with needle-thin glasses, it’ll be out of fashion long before you take delivery – but at least you know you’re not buying an heirloom.

When it’s valued at some point in the future and you’re told it’s worth less than a used carrier bag you won’t be disappointed. Whereas if you buy an antique I can pretty much guarantee you will be.

This is important. Going to your grave broke is fine. Going to your grave disappointed – I can think of nothing so heartbreakingly sad.

To Mike from Manchester:
Wait a minute, we Americans may not be uneducated, but but we're resiliently stupid. Some of us still believe in global warming while our bottoms are passing gasicles. Plus, we are overweight, because we can. "Troughing" is the ultilmate
American sport. From what I read, you Brits are learning the comfort of a few pounds, American-style. And, yes, I don't have a passport. I have, however a pisspot. Does that count?

Dean, Hartford, Conn, a red state, U.S.

Jeremy, just say no to plastic covered particle board. It's overpriced crap. 'You can't polish a turd,' as Robert Prosky once averred in the Stephen King screenplay and novel Christine.

Mike from Dallas, I bought all my antique English furniture in Dallas, or rather Dallas, Fort Worth and Mesquite, from antique dealers who bought lots of antiques in containers doubless shipped from places like Portsmouth and Felixstowe. It's good stuff, and a fraction of the cost here in Bishop's Stortford, where I now abide. I shipped it all over here in our container. And I could sell it here for a sizeable profit. But I refuse to buy the over-priced crap made with glue and staples and plastic covered particle board, the only thing I could afford here, for the price of solid wood in the States, antique or otherwise.

Darryl, Bishop's Stortford via Dallas, England via Texas

Jeremy Clarkson was right first time. If you buy good antiques from a reputable antiques dealer, preferaby one who belongs to one of the two trade associations - LAPADA The Association of Art & Antiques Dealers or The BADA, The British Antiques Dealers Association - you will be able to buy a good piece which over time will keep its value, unlike modern furniture which does lose its value the moment you get it home.

Fashions change and in fact antique brown furniture is better value now than it has been for years as it is somewhat out of fashion.

With antiques, as with everything else in life, you get what you pay for. If you buy what you like, buy with advice from a good dealer and buy the best quality you can afford, you cannot go wrong in the long term.

There is the added benefit of showing your own taste and character in your home and that you are not just one of the crowd. And, antiques are the ultimate 'green' and 'recycled' way of furnishing.

Fiona Ford, London, UK

Mike from Dallas - what uninformed pap. That's like me suggesting that all Americans are uneducated, overweight, and do not possess a passport.

Dave, Manchester, England

Yes but there is one point that he forgot to mention. If his sideboard was designed by that hard to spell italian desiger and by did 0-60 in 5 seconds it mite have someone interested, albeit a suicide jockey!

By the way I drive an X3 - does that explain everything?

Paul Gorman , wolverhampton , west midlands

For the past 10 years I ,who live in Texas, have been dealing with two London antiques dealers. They buy all their inventory of fine English antique furniture in the USA, air freight the stuff to London and then sell same to Americans who promptly ship the items back Stateside.
The point is that the only truly antique pieces still left in England are not for sale as they reside in someones statley home. Most of the so-called "antique" furniture on offer in U.K. shops is either a) fake or b) "improved". There are bargains galore in the USA as my two London friends have discoverd.
Mike, Dallas, Texas, USA.

mike, Dallas, Texas, USA

Yup...
The number of people who have waxed-lyrical in my direction, going on-and-on-and-on-&-on about how old (and therefore old=rare=valuable) a piece of furniture is, are legion.
And yet, to a man (invariably), never manage to see the humour in the stock retort of "couldn't afford a new one then, eh?"

Gelert, Bicester, UK

Hmmm, was this written in advance, I thought Jeremy was still in prison after last weeks column. Still, if you want to see antique furniture, many prisons in England are fully equipped with 19th century beds!!

Paul , Leeds, West Yorkshire

I bought a King George television for ten thousand quid, last year. Do you think I was had?

eugene, heidelberg, germany

Jezza
As an antique dealer in LiverpoolI always try offer value for money but if I was daft enough and took your advice on buying a BMW 5 series I would drive a 5 grand loss down the road.
So why do you pick on us to be the trustees of your wealth creation, you dont go into selfridges and expect the fridge that you buy to be worth 3 times more than what you paid.
What is it with antiques that everyone thinks they have to rise as fast as house prices. The value really in is in the pleasure derived.
I blame Hugh Skully...and that smarmy git Dickinson on the BBC who have sent people in to a set of false values that make them think that the old bust radio they find in the loft is some family hierloom and they then they spend twenty grand on a load of chipboard as a status symbol to put thier tins of carrots in to to be up with the clarks next door.
The true value in your antiques Jeremy is in the evolutionary journey of your taste and style...well er...it should be.
Wayne Colquhoun

Wayne Colquhoun, Liverpool, Merseyside

Jeremy, what about putting a V8 in a victorian wardrobe and the same in a swedish and see who wins the standing quarter!!! Sound like fun!

Mark , Dartford, England

Sadly for once I don't agree with jeremy. I have lots of old furniture (I refuse to call it antique as it implies its an investment, and thats where he has gone wrong), I like it, its well made and suits me. In fact I'm the opposite of Jeremy, as I am largely unconcerned with quite how much I have, I don't feel the need to "invest" when I buy something to sit on. I just buy something I like, and don't end up wasting my money on "designers" who have spent three minutes in St. Martins and subcontratced the "craftsmanship" to eight six year olds in a chinese sweat shop. "brown " furniture will only disappoint if you buy something you don't like or buy something for any other reason than to use it. If you have a chip on shoulder about the newness of your cash and the minorness of your public school then buying some history by buying someone elses furniture will always turn out badly. I wonder if jeremy is also swapping his collection of other peoples ancestors for something modern.

anthony harrisson, london,

Antiques are expensive, but brand-spanking-new modern funiture is overpriced and hideously designed. The best bet is to buy old tatty furniture that is unwanted and cheap (or maybe even pulled out of a skip). I like old stuff, it appeals to my retro sensibilities- so what if it's not worth anything? It's better designed and lasts longer than modern stuff and is accessible to the cash-strapped among us. I probably would've took yours off your hands, Jeremy, had you not torched them.

Olivia , London , UK

Houses... furniture... everyone's so obsessed with values going up/down - what about buying something because you like it?

It tickles me to hear Jeremy ranting about his antiques not being worth much now... I'd hazard a guess that he's lost more money on the depreciation of his cars over the years than the contents of his house :)

Rebecca Winward, Colchester,

Mark from London, envy, it's so unbecoming.

Sedgwick Morrison, London,

Great collector's items have always been priced in the stratosphere but, a built-to-last, well-designed antique is CHEAPER than built-to-last, well-designed contemporary furniture.

Now, to go ward-off that disappointment at the grave...

McKinney, Washington, dc

Jeremy, please stick to cars only because you are never polished enough to talk about furniture or antiques. I find it infuriorating that irrespective of the subjects you choose to write about your loyal fans will always respond in droves praising every single word uttered by you(eighter you write them yourself or you must have a cult following). By the way, contrary to what you believe, going to your grave broke is not fine. It is dead horrible because you won't get a decent service!

Wing, Poole, UK

A quality piece of furniture will add a good feeling to your home,The idea is to buy something you like the look of and not purely for investment purposes.At the moment I would agree with Mr Clarkson ESQ., that in monetary terms the only people making a profit are the Auction houses with their sky high fees and the insurance companies. He must really have a load of old tat for the insurance valuer to not put an unachievable value on it,obviously reflected in the policy cost. Perhaps a few old cars dotted about the house,J.C. I believe you know a bit more about them?

BrynDavies, Nr.St.Malo., France

The only thing more tiresome than Clarkson's egotistical ramblings is the commentators who say "oh my god Jeremy, you're brilliant, you're just so un-PC", regardless of whether he's said anything remotely related to the vile term political correctness (Trans: anything I don't like).

mark, london,

Do you reckon Jeremy would marry me if I asked really nicely?

James, Southampton,

Great article, any chance you can tackle climate change?, after all , how difficult can it be??

Terry, Tucson, USA

Jeremy, I don't think I have ever disagreed with you on anything before but now I can.

The whole point (to me) of Wikipedia is its pointlessnes. It's wonderful. I can click on the random feature and waste hours reading all sorts of pointless things I've never heard of, didn't particularly want to and at a depth I could never understand.

Serious research? Perhaps not.

Time-wasting? Oh yes.

Equal to perusing back issues of Exchange & Mart (no, i don't).

R Bingham, Lauzun, France

Dear Jeremy

If Mrs C gets bored of having your children, I will gladly take her place beside you.
xxxx

JC For Prime Minister, Chippy, United Kingdom

I value craftsmanship and design. Though it's not a hard and fast rule, in general, modern stuff is machined made crap and the old stuff comes from the days when real people with skill laboured over beautiful materials to create something with soul.

There are modern bits of furniture that continue this tradition (probably some of the expensive bits Jeremy is going for!). Attention to detail is just as important today as it always was, as are quality of materials and the expertise that goes into creation.

Warning: environmental point follows. The furniture which is worth keeping is by far the greenest. The best will serve for hundreds of years with just the occasional bit of restoration every decade or four.

So, whether you buy antique or new, save your pennies, avoid DFS, Homebase and Solar System of Leather, and instead invest in something with a bit of soul, whether it be old or new. It's worth it!

Andy B, London,

Dont burn it, Jeremy, store it.
The fashion industry works in 30 year cycles so you need 3 sets of furniture in life: White Gloss Laminate, G-Plan AND Victorian. Here's what to do:
When you first get a house, fill it with the one that is in fashion at the time. After ten years, buy the next one and store the first. Ten years after that, do the same with the third style.
30 years after you first had a house, just redecorate in the syle of the moment and break out the first lot of 'antiques' "Originals, dont you know?"

Pete, Chichester,

Jeremy
What a brilliant piece, you are so un-PC I love it.

Sue, Colchester,

Nick,,if you read it again, he is still taking the micheal out of wikipedia....

sally, luton, beds

Jeremy, I vaguely remember an article not so long ago , in which you stipulated that ; if any of your team were caught using Wikipedia as a research tool they would be taken outside and shot , now you wouldn't be one of those people who say one thing and do another are you ?
Of course you are, that's why we all enjoy your column ,because ,during these Labour miserabalism year's we can't get away with it and we enjoy reading someone who does.
As always excellant work.

Nick Dixon, Sutton Coldfield, England

Does this mean that the S-Class that you massacred a few seasons back with horrid interior design will be torched too? Perhaps in favour of something with iDrive? Or does your ownership of a Volvo XC90 suggest you are a sucker for the Swedish Flatpacks?

I love your work Jeremy. It's refreshing to read in this excessively politically correct, left wing, kumba-ya holding hands world.

Alex, Brisbane, Australia

Shay - you may be right about the furniture, but Fulham 'the nice bit ' of London - really you ought to get out of your comfort zone a bit more!
How un-endearingly smug of you.

Dan , London, UK

Oh Jeremy I do love your work! Antiques? Well where I live the sun/surf/salt air does terrible things to our furniture ..

Samantha, Queensland,

Another well written piece. Makes me laugh out loud every Sunday. Of course there is the opposite. I have friends who decided to go minimalists. The problem with that is they now have nothing to sit on.

smiler, Bretagne, france

Jeremy is right. I have never bought an antique and never will do. Buying modern is the way forward, and if you like anitques, just think that whatever you buy has to be modern, so it can be called an antique in future.

Shay, Fulham, London (the nice bit), UK

Like all other aspects of life, we have knowingly sacrificed quality for general availability, and accept the fact that while your sofa may not last as long as the television in front of it, at least it comes in thirteen different colors and gets delivery on weekends. I don't imagine many of the other items in our lives to live up to the quality standards of yesteryear, but when it comes down to it, why do they have to? The solid oak rocking chair your senile grandmother lived out of may have been great for putting her to sleep or churning butter (maybe great-grandmother), but that was then and this is now - I demand a carbon fiber rocker, complete with tablet PC and surround sound. Can I get that as an aftermarket accessory, or is that too much to ask for?

Jesse James, Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America

On top form as ever including is continuing vendetta against those earnest gnomes at Wikipedia!

Marc, Liverpool,

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Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.