Click here to see the
petition to make Jeremy Prime Minister
Education
Over the years I have filled this column with many things. I’ve suggested
Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon should have a fight in the Albert Hall. I’ve
revealed that Mars once crashed into my chimney pots and I’ve explained that
if you painted a picture using a sheep’s dingleberries instead of oils you
could sell it to Walsall borough council for £150,000.
In other words, when it comes to subject matter I have plumbed the bottom of
the barrel and then kept right on going. But I have never written about one
of the most discussed topics in Britain today. Education.
There’s a very good reason for this. I don’t understand any of the debates. Click
here to read the article
Environment
The fact is this. Global warming’s coming, so you can don your King Canute hat
and stand on the beach waving your Toyota Prius at the advancing heatwave,
but it won’t make a ha’p’orth of difference. But don’t worry, because I have
a plan. The biggest threat we face, according to the British Broadcasting
Corporation, is rising sea levels. Plainly, then, there is too much water in
the world, so why don’t we just call Nasa and ask it to take some of it into
space? Space is only 75 miles from the surface of the Earth, so why not make
a giant hosepipe, dip one end in the sea and take the other end out into the
void, where, of course, there is a vacuum. That means the water will be
sucked up the pipe without the need for any energy-absorbing pumps. Click
here to read the article
Corruption
It’s corruption … that could solve the Iraqi problem at a stroke.
The cost to the American government since the conflict began is put by some
observers at £100 billion. And they could have given everyone in Iraq a
small car for less than that. Actually, with an order of that size, I
suspect discounts might well have been available, so it could have been a
large car or even an SUV.
This is bribery, of course, but what’s wrong with that? It would have saved
25,000 lives, made everyone over there happy, removed the motive for the
London bombings and thus saved Britain £3 billion. Furthermore, it would
have provided a much-needed boost for the beleaguered American motor
industry. Make cars, not war. That’s what I say.
Click
here to read the article
Space
When I see photographs of gas clouds they are, to me, like pictures of faraway
beaches in travel brochures. They are an invitation to come and see for
myself. Space travel still has a glorious future: all we need is for the
Americans and the Russians to start fighting …
Watching an idiotic president promising a bunch of space geeks that they’d
have a moon base and ray guns and warp speed to the Andromeda system was all
very well, but without impetus it was never going to happen. That’s why I’m
delighted to see Russian bombers back in Nato airspace and radioactive
poison all over the restaurant tables in London. And it’s why I’m delighted
to note that Russia, buoyed by its new wealth and power, has announced plans
to build a moon base for missions to Mars.
It means we can go back to the good old days. It means we can go to the stars. Click
here to read the article
Religion
If (The Archbishop of Canterbury) really wants to bring peace and stability to
the world, if he really believes Britain can be a force for good and a
shining beacon in troubled times, then I urge him to close the Church of
England.
If we can demonstrate that we can survive without a church - and when you note
750,000 more people went online shopping on Christmas Day than went to
church, you could argue we already do - then, who knows, maybe the mullahs
and the left-footers will follow suit. Click
here to read the article
Australia
The Australians go to work in shorts and that’s a good enough reason to hate
them. Also, they have cookers in their kitchens but choose to cook their
prawns in the garden. And the only invention to have come out of Australia,
ever, is the rotary washing line Click
here to read the article
America
In America everyone wants to be a part of the great outdoors. They like the
idea of cutting down trees and shooting critters in the spine. Even the most
sockless preppy from Georgetown DC is able and willing to slip out of his
loafers at a moment’s notice and into a hairy shirt for a weekend under
canvas in the woods. What’s more, in America everyone wants to be a factory
worker. They seem to find manual labour and engineer boots rather noble.
Bruce Springsteen has more money than God but unlike Britain’s rock gods,
who wear tweed and Armani, he dresses like he’s spent all day up a telegraph
pole. Only in America could there have been a song called Wichita Lineman.
An ode to a man who spends all day long driving around a useless state, in a
pick-up truck, looking for broken telephone wires. Click
here to read the article
The
Queen
She’s stuck with her job, endlessly waving and asking people to hand over the
teapot. Of course, theoretically, she still has the power to start a war,
though the PM is capable of doing that on his own these days, and she can
still dissolve parliament.
This brings me on to my biggest point. Imagine having the power to send that
braying bunch of n’er-do-wells from the Palace of Westminster home, and not
doing it.
Not even for a bit of fun, during a party. Whatever you may think of the Queen
she has willpower, that’s for sure. Click
here to read the article
The
Monarchy
Of course it’s nonsense to hand over the reins of the nation to someone just
because they were born in a castle. But hey, we always have done and look
what happened when His Toniness replaced the hereditary peers in the House
of Lords with a cash for honours system . . . Click
here to read the article
Men
I was at London’s City airport this morning surrounded by a group of middle-aged
chaps who were going to Scotland.
At home, each of these men would, I’m sure, eat all their yoghurt and pretend
to be interested in Victoria Beckham’s opinion on interior design.
But at the airport, with no wives and girlfriends to keep them in check, they
quickly reverted to type. By 7.45am they were on their third pint and as I
boarded my plane, I believe they were beginning a farting competition.
This is not a criticism. I recently spent a couple of weeks camping in Africa
with 20 or so other men and you wouldn’t believe how neanderthal we became.
Or how quickly.
Every morning would begin with a conversation about who’d been for their
number twos, what the number twos had looked like, what they’d smelt of, how
much more there was to come, and whether any records for sheer tonnage had
been set. Click
here to read the article
Britain
Perhaps you’re saying that you’re proud to be British? But what does this mean
exactly; what are you proud of? Our provincial town centres with their
Styrofoam carpets or those pastry-faced people who work in petrol stations;
our National Health Service, our trains, our cricket team, our roads, our
government, our wobbly bridges, our Millennium Dome, Rover, our Hutton
inquiry, the British Library, British Airways, Britart, our education
system, Will Young — what?
Had we been around between 1850 and 1875, when Britain was the workshop and
the engine of the world, then maybe you could wake up every morning and bask
in the hope and the glory and the pomp and the circumstance. Maybe then you
could have put a sign in your garden saying, “Support our troops and Lord
Palmerston”.
But now? All we have is our world-renowned sense of humour and I’m sorry, good
though it is, I’m not going to spend £500 on a flagpole to celebrate Richard
Curtis’s dab hand with a metaphor. Click
here to read the article
I agrre completely. global warming is a load of old rubbish!
Hamish Knottenbelt, Cullybackey,
I can forsee a real problem with the giant hosepipe and outer space policy. The water would definitely freeze into various sized blocks of ice and knock out all of the satellites. Good initial idea, Jeremy, but still needs a bit of sub-Committee tweaking.
Colin, Carmarthen, UK
OK Jeremy, I'll happily stand for the "common sense party" here.
Can you imagine an entire house of commons full of real people for a change? And getting a straight answer to a straight question?
Not something we will ever get with the current lot. What would all the spin doctors do after election?
Phil, Rugby, England
i'rd rather live with fewer convicts personally... "rock" on England.
Ceri , London,
i want to ask a question... sure Australia may not have made that many movies or have destroyed so much bushland as anywhere else in the world...perhaps we do have a laid back lifestyle but is that any reason to believe Aussies ( we rock ) are hopeless at everything?...you know what i think...Jeremy Clarkson is jeolous because he lives in a country which i super-overpopulated, cold, wet and hopeless at sport. Australia has the worlds best beaches, fresh food, friendly people and a MODERN culture... hahaha
ME, Beautiful Brissi, QLD AUS
Jeremy Clarkson has mores sense than the whole of parliament put together!
Clarkson for PM!!
Rosalie, Chichester, What used to be England
Jeremy, right now we have an opening for a PM in Italy!
Paolo Ferioli, Segrate, Italy
Jeremy, you'd have my vote in a SHOT. We need to ditch these tools of New Labour doublespeak and get some good old common sense back into the country, and you're the man to do it!
What this country needs is a HUGE and LASTING dose of ANTI-political correctness, ANTI-multiculturalism, ANTI-diversity. I'm not a racist or sexist, I'm a realist - none of the above help the cause of equality and tolerance one bit, in fact ALL they do is promote more tension!
We need to stand up for and preserve our rights, and the rights of our children; they were given to us by our grandparents who fought for them, and we are merely their custodians.
Plus, Britain needs you to regenerate its automobile industry! VOTE FOR CLARKSON!
Chris Cotgrove, Leigh-on-Sea, UK
So...Simon...I guess that's two of us not speaking to Stuart then!
David Wills, Oxford, UK
Thanks for this brillo idea simon, London: "I sort the sheep from the goats by simply asking "who likes Clarkson"? If there is any decent or turned up noses, I simply dont bother talking to them as I would probably hate them anyway."
Except that I will ask the question to identify the likes of you and steer well clear.
By the way, Clarkson is a huge hit in Poland, but then they did elect a twin pair of "Clarksons" as President and Prime Minister. Thankfully they have got rid of one of them and I can only hope that Clarkson disappears soon as well.
Stuart, London, UK
J Clarkson
Leader of the Completely Realistic Aims Party
Of course the name can be shortened to make it easier
He'd definitely get my vote
C, Tokyo, Japan
Life is easier with Clarkson. If in strange company I sort the sheep from the goats by simply asking "who likes Clarkson"? If there is any decent or turned up noses, I simply dont bother talking to them as I would probably hate them anyway. The ones that appreciate this man are nearly always a hoot.
simon, London,
Now I am being serious, if robot wars starts back up, Clarkson should be the host again. I mean seriously, the guy has a sense of humor! But he needs to not make toungue-in-cheek jokes about the robots like he did with some of the robots.
Mark, Colleyville, Texas, United States of America
YO! Jeremy! I will sign all the petitions to make you KING, not just PM, but KING with the powers of Henry VIII, not like poor charlie! You suggested Lewis Hamilton to go back to Spain with a T-Shirt hailing to Sir Frances Drake because a bunch of racists there highlighted the fact that he is a black person coming from a black family from the Caribbean that happen to be a british colony. This is the brief story of Sir Frances Drake:
<<Sir Francis Drake, Vice Admiral, (c. 1540 – January 27, 1596) was an English privateer, navigator, SLAVE TRADER, and politician of the Elizabethan era. Drake was knighted in 1581. He was second-in-command of the English fleet against the Spanish Armada in 1588. He died of dysentery after unsuccessfully attacking San Juan, Puerto Rico in 1596.>>Drake was a slave trader, a trade exploited by the spanish and the british. Very probably he took Ham's gran to the Caribs, making money out of it and not on a 5star cruise.
£70 millions will make him forget it!
GAETANO PELLEGRINI, Slough, England
Oh that and he's started space attempts... in a reliant, still good for a start.
Sadly clarkson's right about global warming anyway, we either can't stop it or it's not coming, ah well I live on a hill, does he?
When you look at the differences in style, going from red tape wonderland to clarkson's all night Co2 fest the result wouldn't be catastrophic because people would go mad for a month followed by ending up in a happy medium when they got tired of smoking in the bar again.
He recycles meticulously aswell, this is a good thing because the more stuff gets recycled the more stuff gets built and cheaply too.
Perhaps he needs a good boot in the arse though, he's not running for prime minister despite having more votes than any non running candidate in history. When motivation comes in there political motive and skill there, making people mad and tapping in to their feelings on political subjects seems alot better than lying...
What about giving him a month we like it he can stay.
Adam kelly, Belfast, Northern Ireland
"All we need is for the Americans and the Russians to start fighting"..
Oh.., thanks.., really, thanks. But i presuming its a joke.
You really dont realize coldwar between russians and americans ones can turn in to the real war, the third world war and likely the last, where every country will suffer, without exception.
And as a result you have to forget about space, at least.
Kirill, Moscow, Russia
What choices do we have ?
David Cameron (LOL)
Gordon (no votes) Brown
and that other party no one votes for
now really ask yourself seriously if you'd vote for Jeremy Clarkson ?, the answer is easy, the answer is clear
WWW.CLARKSON4PM.COM
Dan, Evercreech, Somerset
Britain should have its own space program and could have used the Avro Vulcan as a launch platform for a satellite or manned vehicle, due to its low wing loading. Note the similarity in shape to NASA's cancelled X-33 space shuttle replacement. When the Vulcans were removed from front line service they should have been pressed into service doing high altitude research (reducing stress on the air frame) and could probably paid for their upkeep by charging thrill seekers just like the Russians do with the Mig 31 and Mig 29. At altitude the Avro Vulcan was able to dogfight with the fighters of its day. It is a revolutionary aicraft that should be celebrated and supported. With regard to being green and CO2 reduction, diesel engines are probaby the most eco-friendly as they can run on used vegetable with only slight modifications. In fact it seems older diesels from the 70's and 80's can be run on used chip with no modification at all. The Green party never mention this fact.
PAUL MYLES, LONDON,
I am disappointed that people from the Commonwealth arent allowed to sign the Jeremy for PM petition. If we cant even petition, then what use the Commonwealth??
Sarojesh Mukerjee, Calcutta, INDIA
When Jeremy says that Britain has nothing to be proud of, I would like to point out that we, in fact, have many.
And the names of the things in which we can be proud, in reverse order are :
(Drum Roll)
Alan Davies.
Robert Brydon.
Jimmy Carr.
Steven Fry. (Who is a national treasure)
J.K. Rowling.
and last, but quite obviously the best of them all:
JEREMY CLARKSON!!!
James Henry, Liverpool, England
ehupmiduck.You for P.M.?I"ll ave sum o that.Go for it yowth
Ron, Belper, Derbys
I believe that Jeremy should form & lead a party called "The Common Sense Party & collect subscriptions to post if possible a candidate in every constituency for the next election.
I would be more than willing to subscribe - successive Governments over the past 15 years, after Maggie Thatcher, heve sent this country to the dogs and as a taxpayer of some 42 years I am fed up with supporting all manner of spongers and Policitical Correctness.
I believe that if properly funded the result & ground swell of approval for The Common Sense Party would be staggering.
Keith Munro, Barnstaple, England
Re. the hosepipe into space - you could siphon the air out, which would make the water rise all the way up, but you would have to suck really really hard ...
K John, London, UK
Go Go Jeremy, I'd vote for you!
You make more sense than any of the politicians we have at the moment! Including the MSP's who only cater to the Daily Record readers.
Jo Harwood, Bo'ness, Scotland
Ohhhhh, you're a funny man Mr Clarkson !
Brave too, considering you chose sport to demonstrate how Aussies are no good at anything.
Keep up the good work, mate. I'd vote for you.
benny, sydney, australia
The "hosepipe into space" idea is a great one, but unfortunately the science is not sound. The water would rise just 30 feet up the hosepipe.
Martin, Newmarket, Suffolk
ny man with dress sense like Clarkson and a home in Oxfordshire derserves to be PM. He gets my vote any time!
Monty, Oxfrod,
Jeremy clarkson, the only hope and the last bastion of the ever elusive "quintessential british". Whatever u make of it, jeremy has quite a punch.
For an observer's point of view, specifically that of an Indian point of view, in my case i.e. Nothing would make me happy to see him take charge of the Prime minister's office
Ranjit, Sydney, Australia
Clarkson for pm NOW!!!
Darren Laws, bristol, united kingdom
Be honest, could he do any worse that the Commies we have in charge now. It's all going to end in tears, I would much rather they were tears of laughter.
Adrian Peirson, Luton, Britain Beds
I'm OK with Clarkson for President (or PM) but I disagree with the idea of machine-gunning all those who drive at under 30mph.
QCD, Paris, France
You have to admit that some of his ideas are not bad at all. Additionally, he has a fine sense of humour and that lovely English irony, and that must be the reason why people like him.
James, Thessaloniki, Greece
It's not irony, it's idiocy. Pretend, or otherwise.
The hosepipe to the moon, however, is a great idea. Even the science is sound.
Jonny Hartley, London, UK
Julie, you live in Frankfurt - home of the least ironic people on the planet until Osama showed up - and think Americans don't have an irony chip? My dear, irony is the defining emotion on this side of the pond.
Adios el-Kabong, Washington, DC
OK. Head to head Joe- Clarkson or Broon?
The one with wit, in touch with the people and the sharpest knife in the box or the one with the capped teeth, not a trace of humour (one of the clearest signs of intelligence) who has even lost the ability to count the beans?. Mmmm tough one!
I did the Heathrow getaway in '99 after 2 years of Nulabor idiocy ,along with hundreds of thousands of others and would not dream of returning unless JC is running the country. You get the government you deserve. Good luck and don't forget to ask Muhammed to switch off the lights....
BTW
Americans and Canadians, Paul, should not be permitted to comment, being unable to 'get' Clarkson, having been born without an irony chip.
Julie, Frankfurt,
To Paul (London ,Canada)
I thought it was just Americans who didnt have a sense of irony!!
Bruce, London, UK
If Clarkson becomes PM, does that make AA Gill the Foreign Minister or the guy in charge of food safety?
Michael, Pueblo, Colorado, US
As Jeremy Clarkson himself knows, if we were mad enough to put him in 10 Downing Street then we would all be done for. The only way to survive would be to drop him off alongside the plods at the Downing Street gates, rush away to Heathrow or Southampton and emigrate immediately - without a backward glance.
Joe Ruxton, Weybridge, UK
This person wrote that binge drinking was OK during the summer. For someone who young people look up to he should be ashamed. But he isn't - speaks volumes about his care of those that cherish his every word.
And all to make an extra quid!
Paul, London, Canada