this is utterly hilarious! Just back from a skiing holiday and this says it all!!!
You get my vote for prime minister!!!

Little Red Hen, London, UK

I've never fancied the idea of skiing. It just seems like a waste to go very quickly down a hill with a bar at the bottom, and then go back up the hill so you can go back down it. Just stay in the bar. You'll have a much better holiday. But I'm definitely not going after reading about the injuries people get in this column. We should all take a leap out of your book Jeremy, and just send a car down the slope.

Christopher Jordan, Newtownards, Northern Ireland

I live in Switzerland, about 3 mins from a ski resort. I think I ski well but I have all the grace of a pregnant cow. I totally agree with Jeremy Clarkson and, as he says, there is no feeling quite like it. All the pain's great fun.

Becki, NR Neuchâtel, Switzerland

Dear Sir,
Re contract was windfall for GPs but not a good deal for the patient,
I find it very difficult to keep reading all the negative media targeted to harm GPs and I am afraid I feels it is all government initiated.It is a fact that GPs salary has risen in recent year may be for the first time to be in reasonable comparison to equally rated profession(eg accountants and solisitors),but to say that the patients have not benifited from it is totally unreal.As a GP myself I wish anyone who has a syay against the amount of work we do. Work is pushed on us from hospital s because we do it for cheap.the problem is that you always hear the story from one side and it is always the more powerful side that makes GPs look grready and lazy and we are far from it...I invite you to come and spend one day at a GP surgery and then you may change your mind.After all the hard work we have done for the last 3years our salary have been chopped down with extra work put on us..

GP in Derby, Derby,

I find Jez's comments on par as they reflect pretty much the worst you can feel about skiing. But if in spite of that you still find yourself going to experience those moments that make it worthwhile, as he describes, then you're a real skier. So stop complaining.

Mr Singh., Wolverhampton,

Go to Lilywhites and get cheaper padded trousers. It's simple. Your daughter could wear three pairs at half the cost you paid, saving you money and decreasing the chance of breaking her legs by 2 thirds (assuming a linear relationship between padding and breakage).

Charlie Crowson, London,

Having browsed these comments, I can't believe how few people 'get' what JC is saying here. As a keen skier myself each of his exaggerated 'complaints' made me smile and remember a similar event I've experienced or witnessed over the years - eg, spotting holiday-makers who arrive fresh from the office without exercising all year, ski in overpiced gear for an hour until their legs collapse and then pass out in a bar a few minutes later is often a comedy highlight of working in resort and JC has captured perfectly from the bloodshot eyes of the weary, empty wallet-holding traveller, just *why* they do so!

I'm glad JC and his family share in the passion for this pastime/sport (depending how seriously one takes it) and the glorious beauty of mother nature which it allows us to enjoy, and I hope they all enjoy many more holidays.

p.s. The one resort stereotype he forgot to mention is that of the classic British ski nanny...

Ski Diddy, London,

If there was ever anyone that struck me as a 'billy' it's Jeremy Clarkson, thanks so much for proving me right!

Next time you feel the need to disrespect your chalet staff, please remember they work 6 days a week and earn considerably less in a month than your daughters designer salopettes cost (seriously £250?).

Next holiday I suggest you forego your place on the slopes for someone who cares; maybe you can try ice-skating, toboganning, bobsleight, parapenting, huskie sledding or the multitude of other things there are to do in most ski resorts.

Thanks for making me laugh, I'd love to know which resort you favour - I wouldn't want to end up beside you in the lift queue.

;)

'toria, Jersey,

Finally someone has summed up exactly how I feel about skiing. Absolutley spot - on.

Gwyneth Reynolds , Dubai , UAE

I suppose I can add to this a Yank's perspective of skiing, having done both the Alps and the Rockies. In general, I find the attitudes towards skiing quite different in the two continents. Because the cost of skiing in America is even more than it is in Europe (only $70 - 80 / day), we Yanks tend to get as much as we can out of a day on the slopes, and this is what I grew up with. I ski as long as I can and as hard and fast as I can safely without taking it to the brink of suicide.

When I went to Ischgl, which is notorious for its apres-ski scene, I was able to experience all of 45 minutes of the party scene every night before that first beer made me pass out and stagger home--too tired from the day's exertion. Much respect to some of the other skiers though. Most memorable was someone still half-drunk from staying out till 5 or 6, then catching the 9:30 chairlift up. Of course if you drink beer in the afternoon instead of skiing, I could see how this guy could manage.

Tom Danielson, Santa Barbara, USA / CA

I used to do that in my youth, once in Perth Scotland where the snow was like wet sugar when you could find it and three times in Austria. Apres ski was coffee and apricot tart and a glass or two of schnaps. I enjoyed it a lot and all you needed was some hired boots and skis and a cheap anorak and some long underwear, not all this hideously overpriced stuff they think they must have now, as it is worse than death to be unfashionable is it not? I don't think anyone wore padded clothes, in fact I am not sure it was invented then!
The worst thing I had was a twisted ankle and I can tell you I fell down a lot.
Sometimes the past is better JC

plato, ely, uk

I can vouch for the small boot experience.... i thought one size too small would be ok for 1 day....I was in agonising pain all day and then my toe nail fell off 2 weeks later! Still the best holiday in the world though!

James , Bournemouth,

and that, mr. clarkson, is why i aint taking my family skiing!!

rob, ponferrada,

All very true (and very very funny) - but you missed a further bit of misery: Going from the "hotel" (more akin to a student dormitory AFTER the first-night-of-term party) to the bottom of the slope inevitably requires a 5 minute walk. Or, at least, it would be 5 minutes if there was no snow. Becuase there's just enough snow to make progress nearly impossible, but not quite enough snow to make it possible to use skis, it ends up taking 30 minutes, and by the time you arrive at the first ski-lift you're knackered.

That said - the first time you actually manage to ski, alone, down a green run without falling over, or running into something or someone, and stopping at the bottom without using your bottom as a brake, complete with all the kit & caboodle you set off from the top with - is one of the most exhilarating feelings around.

Ade, Cadiz, Spain

Jeremy
I'm an english instructor in an Austrian Ski school, your age (ish...53), understand your pain and one sided turn issue, gissa bell, for a couple of beers (and another story for you...lots going on in austria), I can 'fix' you

Gareth, Munich, Germany

Jeremy,

I don't think you have to justify yourself with regards to the negative or unbelieving comments. So what if you forked out £250 for a pair of trousers or accepted a freebie. You have earned it so you can take it. To thingy of France - jealously is a bitter pill to swallow.

Janette, Northwich,

I can't believe Clarkson made it through an article without mentioning foxes! Guardian reference - check. Musical act you haven't thought about for years - check. Some sort of physical pain - check. Booze - check. Kids are expensive - check.

As a big fan of Jeremy's, I'm disappointed there wasn't a line about foxes running off with your shinbone as a farmer shoots your dog.

Danny, Grays, Essex,

Haha. Love it. Come to Whistler and break some more bones Jeremy. You'll keep me employed....

Ben, Whistler, BC, Canada

Why not go cross-country skiing instead of daredeviling down notoriously hazardous slopes? I admit, if you ever find yourself on a slope with these skis, the lead boots that gives you some degree of control over your downhill skis, are all but gone and every twist and turn is equally dangerous. However, when cross country skiing the option of stopping is always there. And hot chocolate drinks, oranges and a bit of chocolate in the sun is quite rewarding :-)

Marius, Oslo, Norway

I absolutely LOVE skiing, and I read this article with great interest (I just devour anything that comes out of Jeremy's mouth because he's so side-splittingly funny), but I must admit I was getting mildly irritated with his relentless bashing of skiing... until the very end of the article. I am ashamed - I should've known Jeremy will turn everything he said by 180 degrees by a single sentence at the end. :-)

I have been skiing for 31 out of 35 years of my life, and even though I had my first injury which I wasn't able to just get up from and continue skiing this year (sprained knee - I blame my lack of general fitness entirely) I will continue to go and ski until old age (or any other such unpleasant thing) prevents me from doing so.

You're so right Jeremy, those blue skies, brilliant white snow, fresh bracing air... Ah, there's nothing else like it to recharge your batteries.

Vlad, London, UK

I wonder how Jeremy's Gallardo Spyder looked like with the box full of skis on it's roof ;-)

Anyway: Jeremy made out a good point. No matter how cold it is and no matter how uncomfortable those boots are it's just pure old fashioned fun to be in the snow.

One month ago I went to a small barrack above Zermatt for 4 days and it was just like beeing a kid again. My girlfriend and I just pushed each other in the 1 meter thick snow cover and laughed our trousers wet. That is just something you need to have done once in your living.

Oh! And don't forget about the fun it is to make the snow look yellow ;-)

Toppi, Zürich, Switzerland

Jeremy, I imagine the snowboarders are perfectly in control when they are going for you on the slopes.

Shahid, London, UK

Skiing is very dangerous, yes we all have laugh about breaking an arm, leg etc but this is serious stuff a friend of mine on xmas eve broke his neck and is now crippled from the neck down, even his mum said he would be better off dead. So Laughing aside think on!

Harry sunderland, Castleford, UK

Skiing is possibly the worst fate I could imagine for any Barn Owl. I used to do moutain bike downhill with 30 foot dropoffs.
Skiing is far less exciting and much more dangerous.

Dave Bowes, kelso, borders

I don't normally reply in this bit of the interweb but there's a few
things a few of you need to know.

1 Joanna of France, I did buy the £250 trousers in the resort. They were the cheapest I could find. And I do wear Columbia gear.

2. Terry of France. I do not accept freebies. I pay. And I did not
stay in a chalet.

3. Thanks for the advice about America. I've skiied there too and you spend too long waiting in line while everyone says "after you". I'd rather have Russians pushing in.

Jeremy Clarkson, Chipping Norton, UK

Nice one Mr. Clarkson!

sunil, edinburgh, uk

250 not so hight price
Welkome to Elbrus in Russia (5642 meters)!
The low prices, untouched a civilization of mountain (but lifts and hotels certainly are), mineral water beating of rocks, a snow such that fans of mountain skis remain there to live (Germans for example)

But if you will strongly be broken (instead of strongly there does not happen) that the carriage any more is not required to you...

Well certainly 250 for trousers it not so is a lot of, though certainly if on one trip that is not reasonable. But it is better to have good regimentals, with bad at us it is possible to be lost!

:)
http://elbrusinfo.ru/photogallery_14_.html

Piter, Moskov, Russia

May be next time you should visit Dubai mate and the trousers should cost you only 5 quids (Carrefour). Cheers!

Faaju A, Dubai, U.A.E

Thank you so much for making me laugh out loud! great humour! Love it!

Jennie, London, UK

skiing is just about the most fun you can have with your clothes on. absolutely terrifying, ridiculously fast, and when you fall over and somebody helpfully points this out you can at least say "i'm not the only one".
its not just brits who are incompetent too - a famous canadian/moroccan/french comedian called gad elmaleh spent about 15 minutes in his routine talking about 'blond, oakley wearing perfect skiers'
:)

mat, brighton,

Why does he go??
It has a great snob value in the UK.
Do you ski asked every medic I ever met at my sister's soirees-now at the brighter age of 48 I would tell them where to ski-except it is too hot!!!!
How sad ,to pursue a sport because all of the sheep do it.
Come on Clarkson where is your common sense?

Trish Blouin
Luxembourg

Trish Blouin, Luxembourg, Luxembourg

Although I love skiing to bits and think everyone should try it because it's challenging and breathtakingly beautiful at times, Clarkson is a very funny man. Great article. ha ha

louise, brighton, east Sussex

Hahaa, the funniest article I have read for ages! I have face ache from laughing so much.

face ache , London, UK

250GBP for pants? however much you are exaggerating on the actual price, columbia sportswear (well known, reliable brand) padded trousers for adults start at 100eur, and this is at the ski stations, so cheaper in normal sports shops. Either you were seriously conned, or you should buy in the country where you go skiing.

joanna, haute savoie, , France

Nice quote Jeff P

Robyn Williams fan?

Olly G, Melbourne,

Perhaps skiing, like cocane, is Gods way of telling you have too much money, Regards Jeff P.

Jeff Pollitt, Stockport,

Who would want to go skiing? What is the point of spending a fortune on a holiday where you have rub shoulders with psycho-idiots falling over, crashing into you, or just generally being embarrassing and obnoxious?
My idea of a holiday is where you take your clothes off, not put more on. The sun is free, the sea is free, the sand is (mostly) free. So why blow all your money buying expensive kit that you can never use again - except to go on another wallet-busting holiday?

John Bard, Birmingham, England

£250 for salopettes? You can buy them everywhere these days. You can get perfectly good ones from Blacks outdoor shops, H&M do them & I bought my children some from Sainsburys for £30 each! I suspect she well & truly fleeced her Dad - were they designer ones by any chance?

Deborah Langhorn, York, North Yorkshire

Around the world in 80 gardens is in my view one of the only things worth watching on TV at present. Visually uplifting and interesting but not to A.A Gill evidently.

Lucian Phipps, London, London

So true all of it - last time we all went (big group) husband came back in wheelchair (never to go again). Although it was great at the airport as I could take him into duty free shops and he couldn't complain (hates shops of any kind so quite funny) and as we went with a party of 15 the children loved pushing him around the airport and we got off the plane first. But why am I going again not sure but - love lunchtime, drinking lots & blue runs without snowboarders ! Liz London

liz, London ,

I feel so much better about the mixed feelings I have after my first ski trip back in January. Were the views worth the pain? I think just about...

Although, Jeremy, you missed out on the 'apres-ski'. Watching drunk europeans trying to dance in ski boots was hilarious!

Gemma, London,

Jeremy,

You must come to Southern California, I went skiing last week and it was 60 degrees on the mountain which has a base of 6000ft. Sadly though, we have far too many baggy pantd yobs here.

Scott, Beverly Hills, California

Got hit from behind by snowboarder on 12th Jan at Tahoe-stretchered off hill-knee knackered, still limping. Was beginning to suffer from sense of humour failure...So a big thank you to Mr Clarkson for making me laugh out loud until I cried.
And he's right- blue skies+snow+skiing=HAPPINESS.
And as soon as I can, I'll be back
Karen Johnston, Perthshire

Karen M Johnston, Meigle, Perthshire

I tihnk you go in the wrong places. Do you remember the Stelvio pass? I guss so! You should see it in winter (well, in winter the road is closed) but near it, ther's a place called Solda where you can sky under the mount Ortles at 3200 msl. with no queues, and the right prices and italian food.
Maybe it's not a place for a V.I.P. like YOU, and ther's the risk to meet common people, but it is, like you once said, .. "stunning"
And to breake a leg............i'm sure you'll find a more original way to do it.

Francesco, Treviso, Italy

"I ski only when very drunk. I can recommend this wholeheartedly."

Hope not many people will listen to you, otherwise the number of wheelchairs at airports in the Alps will increase. Very bad idea to ski while you're drunk, just enjoy the snow, leave the drinks for the apres ski, much better.

matteo rizzardi, verona,

Jeremy doing something that requires physical exertion, i might fall over with shock!
Oh and you should really try snowboard boots, you can walk in those!

Dave, East Grinstead, West Sussex

Oh My God, at last somebody else who has the same love/hate relationship with skiing as me. I am sure I would be quite happy to get up at 10ish, spend the day going around and around the resort on ski lifts (absolutely no buttons, far to painful)...admiring the beautiful scenery, maybe having a ten minute ski to a restaurant where I could drink myself into a state of total confidence and ski home for tea and crumpets. (by the way, I am ashamed to say I actually fell asleep on the way home on the chair lift at Christmas after a particularly good lunch and coffee with rhum on the way home...am I a drunken lush of a mother? oh dear, God forgive me.

Louise, Cheltenham, UK

Jeremy - £250 for a pair of salopettes? You're joking! We've just bought new ski gear for our two girls (12 and 10) for less than £150. Haven't you heard of sales or discount stores? Truly, the rich are different .

caroline kieran, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Count your blessings.

Last time I went skiing my friends convinced me to take a trip down a luge track. As if those silly helmets weren't embarrassing enough to have to wear, someone before me blew chunks midway down and left behind a rather disgusting safety hazard I had to unknowingly pass through at twice the speed of insanity but half the speed of smell....geuuck!

It's enough to put a person off that sort of thing let me tell you.

Ben Stewart, Somerset,

I love you Jezzer.

Peter , Appleton, Chesire

jeremy, please help me i really really want an alfa gtv 3 litre v6 convince me why i shouldn't be even thinking about it and put me out of my misery so that i can buy a fiat coupe or an audi tt

Darren, grays, essex

Some good points made. Switch the "freshly pisted slope" to untouched powder and you're spot on.

John, Oxford,

Jeremy, 250 ski pants!!! Where do you shop, Harrods? I picked a pair up on ebay last week for 15 quid!

Dave, Liverpool, merseyside

Just returned from a superb week in St johan,Austria and while i do enjoy your column Jes you are well wrong about the skiing set. Nothing better than bashing the shins for a week and giving it "large" at night. True the frightening sight of 15 people in wheelchairs back at Saltzburg airport is a little worrrying but as the saying goes you take your chances!!
Me and my daughter have had a great week and can`t wait for the next "fall" to do it all again!!

Mr andrew Barron, stafford, uk

Tried skiing once, at Whistler in Canada. Found it immensely boring. Got down to the bottom of the run (without falling over or breaking anything, amazingly) and said to myself...."yeah, and...?" Winter holidays? Read a book. Safer, and infinitely more interesting.

Harry Williams, Dundee,

Well i LOVE skiing

Bob, Rugby ,

Well put.....and as I no longer run Switzerland's tourism office in the UK, so I can openly agree with your assessment! Stopped skiing at age 12 after falling over again and again going down a silly little hill on the outskirts of Zurich with the skis continuing going downhill without me. Switched to playing ice hockey, at least you wear protective gear and can hit back.....

Joe Buhler, Wilton, Connecticut, USA

good man clarkson, that about sums up skiing, your right man was not designed for down hill crashing .

seamus kelleher, dublin, ireland

There's always an amusing contrast between the outgoing low-cost flights from Stansted at this time of year, filled with raucous, cheerful gaiety and the splinted, emplastered and mournful air of the return.
If these are pilgrims, off to worship St. Snow, it looks like they've been 'set upon by bandits' on the journey.

Roger Darce, London,

For a good laugh see 'trunk monkey compilation' on youtube. It's so good you could use it on Top Gear,mentioning my name of course!
Rod Baines.

rod baines, clitheroe, lancashire

Jeremy,

For once we agree. However, you failed to mention the 18 hr drive from Houston, TX to Breckenridge, CO in a fully loaded gas guzzling Chevrolet Suburban. Cruising at 75 to 80 mph across the plains of the Texas Panhandle were but a starter to the majesty of the Rockies. Check out the BA flights to USA next time. We regularly meet Brits in Colorado who have had more fun for less money on the US slopes.

By the way, as far as the Chevy is concerned, I wouldn't have it any other way. Compared to my 1966 Austin MIni in snowy conditions on the M4 near Membury it was heaven!

Love "Top Gear" on BBC America, even though you are all completely nuts!

Telfryn John, Cypress, Texas USA

HEY Jerrers

Mate we live in Italy Padova we are one hours drive away from Asiago (Padovas playground) its were they make cheese. Its more your scene. We ski in jeans here eat fine pasta for lunch and down delicous beer and wine. Youre going to the wrong places mate forget your fancy ski pants resorts get over here The suites at the Europa hotel are fab but if you want a kitcsh experience with pools and all the massages ect try the Linta Park Asiago. Pizzas galore and Pistes for that matter. Its cheap aswell if you dont fancy a day pass they give you 10 punts (runs) for just 10 euros, so come on down Jes - the price is right. Tell yr missus some of the Italians feel you up a bit on the old button lifts but this is Italy it goes with the territory. Deborah Coates Venice, Italy....

Deborah Coates, Tombelle, Padova , Italy

£250 for padded Ski Trousers for a 13 year old? They saw you coming!

Why not, on one of your numerous freebies abroad, pop into a French Decathlon store, or even try Snow&Rock just before (or just after) the season starts (or finishes) for some bargains.

If you're getting stuck with the Arabella sort of Ski Chalet then change your Travel Agent or try the North American resorts.

Still, glad to hear something in life makes you feel humble for a change!

Terry, Bagneres, France

Wholeheartedly agree with you, Jeremy...

Darryl, Irvine, US

I tried it once... a few years ago, up in the north of China. My big toes are still numb. It was minus 20 - at midday - but that wasn't the problem. The hire shop's biggest boots were a little on the small side. After several beers, I convinced myself that there's no real difference between size 11 and size 9... Let this be a cautionary tale, then, for those with biggish feet who like a beer but begrudge spending "silly" amounts of money on their own gear.

Shijin, Beijing, China

I went skiing for the first time ever 1 week ago in the Italian Alps with my family. Despite the slightly embarrassing fact that, aged 20, I was being overtaken on nursery slopes by fearless 3 year olds, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience! The scenery, air and sun set against bright blue sky made for an unrivalled and wonderful escapism. And my 1 and 1/2 year old leonberger (mountain dog) had the best fun I've ever seen playing in the deep powdery snow. However, I am able to sympathise with your point about painful ski-boots and burning thigh muscles!

Perhaps some mention should also be made about ski instructors. Maybe it is a 'character-building' tactic employed by leathery-looking italian instructors that, on day 4 of teaching, pupils are ready to be thrown down and abandoned on a blue run (scary for a total newbie!) to deal with the twists, speed and falls on their own, but that certainly made for an unsettling experience at the end of what was, otherwise, a fantastic holiday!

Fredericka Argent, London,

I wholeheartedly agree! On the face of it, a skiing holiday is akin to spending a week pouring acid on your legs, but once you're there, with 'that' view, every penny is worth it! You've made me crave the mountains Mr Clarkson!!

Rick Beardsworth, Preston, Lancashire