Immensely entertaining piece Jeremy and I have to agree with you on most of your points. However, I love the fact my car quietly locks without squealing and wherever possible I silence those electronic beeps. I kill the key press sounds on my cell phone, on the washer and dryer I select 'silent' - German appliances you will not be surprised to hear. We have smoke detectors that hook up the mains so there are no battery low warnings or concerns about the house burning down. You surely are not still using Windows 95 - good grief !

Colin Suter, Singapore,

At our apartment, these beeps have achieved a level of harassment that can only be described as impressive. Our smoke detectors beep when they are low on batteries as well, and of course when that happens we are sure to not have the proper type of replacement battery. Therefore to stop the infernal beeping the only move is to remove the battery all together.

Yet upon doing so, I learned that, and I am not making this up, the smoke detector is somehow able to beep because it hasn't got a battery in it at all. So when the low battery beep occurs you are essentially left with two options: One, stop everything run to the shop and purchase a replacement battery; or Two burn down the damn building.

sean reid, columbus, USA/ Ohio

I too would like some peace and quiet as I go about my life. Examples of anger causing noise are these Paddington Bear type petrolheads,who drive cars with very loud exhausts with the volume of the radio at full blast.In the beautiful town of Whitby there is a group of young men who drive around the town continually at high speed and very high volume. Last weekend I saw a sight for sore eyes when I saw 2 cars of that ilk apprehended by a police officer. I rejoiced with the words THERE IS A GOD!!!!!!!!

john macgregor, DONCASTER, SOUTH YORKS

You think that's bad? My Mazda beeps when I turn up the volume. Better yet, the beep is always the same volume.

Wouldn't you think that I would recognize the fact that I turned up the volume on my stereo when the noises the thing is making get louder?

This article represents the truth in "if it can, it doesn't mean it has to". Thanks again Jeremy, I'm going to go pry out my tweeters.

http://vladg.com

Vlad Grodzinskiy, Detroit, Michigan

Walsall Art Gallery has Noddy Holder as the voice of the lift... and they did have carrier bags with vintage photos of Black Sabbath circa 1971.
Even when I worked in a record shop, and we did play some fairly challenging music, the noise from the refrigerated van delivering food to the pub next door would be really irritating to me.

Lynda, Selly Oak, Birmingham,

I've just bought a £500 Zanussi washer dryer, and yes, it bleeps at me. There's a way of stopping it, according to the manual. You have to press two particular buttons simultaneously and hold them down for six seconds. Naturally, it bleeps to confirm that it has complied with your request.

Surely, for £500, I might expect a button to disable beeps? It's not as if I can't tell when it's finished. A device that spins at 1600 rpm isn't exactly subtle; the flat stops vibrating.

Irene Bujman, East Kilbride, Scotland

Having reprogramed my Windows XP to play a sample on start-up (Robin Williams: "Good Morning... Vietnam!"), rather than the silly Microsoft jingle that we all know and love / hate, I feel that you should take your campaign one stage further:

ALL devices should be able to play the sample of your choice, rather than just go "beep". Said sample could be <silence>, or "Dishwasher Finished" (Stephen Hawking's accent, natch). Or, in the event of a Fire, The Archers' Theme may have the required effect for you personally?

Myself? Well, every time I hear Lord HawHaw / whomever say "Germany Calling", I get this overwhelming urge to check my email for new messages....

Alternatively, just turn up the "Difficult Progressive-Jazz Rock" that is playing on the stereo. Widdley keyboards in 9/17 kills all known beeps dead!

Gelert, Bicester, UK

Yes, technology had to improve the quality of our lives....but... something is going wrong, isnt'it?
Sometimes i can't believe the amount of codes, PIN, and passwords i have to remember,: for the email boxes, the PC, the credit cards, the accounts on Itunes, the home banking... and even the luggage. A friend of mine, just to be sure to remeber the code of his suicase decided to choose a very simple number,, a number you can't forget...
When he got to the custom an officer asked him to open the suitcase.....absolute darkness in his head... he had to breake the lock and the suitcase.... when he got home..... a light in his head ................ 007

Francesco, Treviso, Italy

I'm with Jeremy, why don't all these intrusions come with "silence" as the default setting?
If we need the contant reassurance in our daily lives surely we can work out how to turn the beep on, ask someone, read a sign - how on earth did we survive 10, 20 years ago?
Tim
Melbourne
Australia

Tim, Melbourne, Australia

And there I was, thinking I was alone in my hatred of beeping technology.

You forgot my personal favourite - keypads that beep when you press the keys, e.g. on those chip and pin machines, or on mobile phones..

Andy

Andy, Manchester, UK

I would't worry about offending the superstitious JC, after all you do have the same initials as our saviour (John Cleese). Nice to hear you championing an environmental issue though!
From a Noise Pollution Officer.

Peter, Cwmbran, Wales

Agree, totally. My washing machine beeps constantly. It's driving me mad. If it beeps when I'm making dinner again, I will dig the beeper out with a claw hammer!

Christopher Jordan, Newtownards, Northern Ireland

I, too, believe that Jeremy shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain. It is utterly sacrilegious that JC should even consider using the voice of Whispering Bob Harris for a mere lift! Such a menial task should be performed by Whispering Ted Lowe.

Grant, Melbourne, AUS

Lovely article. Silence is a rare privilege that I am fortunate enough to be able to enjoy. The hill around Perth Western Australia are a wonderful place to live and I do pity the plebs who cannot experience it.
However Jeremy there are those that are comforted by the sounds of human activity around them and seek out noisy places to live in cities.
It takes all sorts.
PS I too am offended by Jeremy's use of the Lords name'but I am not forced to read his rants.
Just inexorably drawn to them, my problem not his.

Steve, Perth, Western Australia

I'm offended by Clarkson's use of the name "Jesus". Thing is, I don't have the right not to be offended. And long may people have the right to offend who they like how, why and where they like. Including me.

Steve Edwards, Edinburgh,

Jeremy, check (or have your kids check) the user manuals on everything that you have that beeps. I'd bet a fiver that most of them can be silenced. May not help out in the world but at least your own little patch of home can be hushed.

Jeb, Midlothian, VA

Brilliant as usual.

My phone beeps, vibrates and flashes when the battery is going flat - just to ensure that it goes flat as quick as possible...

KBS, London,

QUOTE "May I mention one other thing ? Your use of Jesus’ name would be better omitted, it does offend quite a few people, who would otherwise be 100% on your side"

Not offending people - Not a primary consideration for Jeremy methinks.

Stantheman, Morpeth, England

i used to live in Ealing now Im in the middle of North Island New Zealand. Peace apart from the odd noisy dog and teen mega exhausts! But I do miss the comforting sound of the 747s over west London as I drift off to the land of nod!!

Alex, Taupo, New Zealand

How does the childish presenter of a children's programme get to pose as a grumpy old man. Has he done something of some consequence or is it just that, at his height, he wishes to show that he can throw his dummy further out of his pram than most infants?

Malcolm Bland, Skipton, North Yorkshire

The screw-driver, wire-cutter and is a little knowledge in the field of electronics - a lot of silence can easily present you.
It is a true way, for me always worked! :-)

PiterGS, Moskov, Russia

Apart from the last line, I agree with every word. Why don't you come along and meet some bellringers? We love a pint or more after ringing (in a noise-free pub) and some of us hate mobile phones as well. I'm sure you could put up with our noise better if you understood the principles behind our ancient science and art. We have even had a mobile ring on the back of a lorry.

Sue Marsden, Chatteris,

I agree totally, but I have to say, if Jeremy thinks he's in torment living as he does - let's be honest - in a fairly substantial property not exactly in the middle of a town with some breathing space between neighbours, then he's in for a terrible shock if he moves anywhere where most of us proles have to. Is there anything more racket-wracked than suburbia? I live in a "quiet" cul-de-sac in a semi-rural Peak District town and there is just no silence - even in the middle of the night - next-door-but-one's car alarm that he won't get fixed, so-and-so's burglar alarm, whatshernames teenage jailbait daughter staggering up the road at 3am burbling into her mobile phone. In daylight constant din prevails. We are becoming a nation of Pavlovian dogs, auto-reflex responding to the "beep". I can count on one hand the number of times I've been able to go bed in a place where there was no noise or light pollution - and that was the South Island of New Zealand!

Ysabel, Mansfield, England

Jeremy,

Another great column, agree with just about everything. Thank you.

Except that a preferred way to make G&T is to place the ice over the lemon slice/s and then pour the gin, followed by tonic. A much better taste, IMNSHO :)

May I mention one other thing ? Your use of Jesus’ name would be better omitted, it does offend quite a few people, who would otherwise be 100% on your side, your column is a very necessary brake on the mad governors of the UK.

All the best

Ernie Todd

Ernie Todd, Mairé L'Evescault, France

You are a legend Clarkson.

Mike, Surrey,

Oh so true JC. Fortunately I have contacts in the military who keep me well supplied with lovely yellow spongy earplugs. I wear them everywhere I go in public to stop me killing people who insist on blathering into their mobile phones. I also recommend Bose noise excluding headphones for those times when you are forcibly incarcerated with Other People on any form of public transport. Live long and prosper!

J.C.(of course), Whispering-on-the-Wold,

I couldn't agree more Jeremy. Noise pollution sucks!

Aoife, Galway, Ireland