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From The Sunday Times

April 20, 2008

Potato heads are talking rot on food

Jeremy Clarkson

A sinister government agency called Wrap (We Rape and Pillage) has spent vast lumps of our money to determine that, in Britain alone, we throw away 5.1m potatoes every day. Apparently this is so morally reprehensible that we should all commit suicide.

Hmm. So we have one part of the government telling us that if we continue to eat too much we will become fat and everyone will explode. And now we have another part telling us that we have to finish everything on our plates because it’s wrong to throw food away.

Is it though? Of course, eco-mentalists argue that rotting food gives off methane gas – a global-warming agent 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide. So a potato, casually discarded because you had too many biscuits with your afternoon tea, will cause every polar bear to suffer an agonising death, crying for its mother and thrashing about in boiling seas.

Yes, an unused maris piper will kill the planet more quickly than a Chinese power station.

Funny that, because when I suggested recently that cow farts were creating more global warming than a flock of Range Rovers, environmentalists were quick to point out that methane breaks down so quickly it isn’t really an issue. Now, apparently, it is.

Except, of course, it isn’t – because if you leave a potato in the ground it will rot. If you dig it up then throw it away the council will put it in a landfill site. Where it will rot. And if you eat it, it will come out of your bottom, go to a sewage works and end up in the ground. Where it will rot.

In other words the only way you can prevent a spud from turning into a huge poisonous cloud of suffocating gas is to call the US air force and ask it to carpet bomb the potato-growing flatlands of Lincolnshire with Agent Orange. Who knows? Maybe this is why the government recently announced a proposal to abandon Norfolk to the sea. As payback for the county’s farmers, whose produce is primarily responsible for the sea’s tempestuousness in the first place.

Of course if we ignore the environmentalists – and we should – an army of fair-trade lobbyists then ride into the argument, claiming that all the food we don’t eat could be shipped to, oh, I don’t know – Biafra. I give them the same argument that I gave to my mother at meal times 40 years ago. “How? In an envelope?”

In some ways, however, I’d quite like to see unwanted food being loaded on to ships by fair-trade enthusiasts. It would set them against the ecoists, who’d argue that the journey would kill some polar bears. There’d be fighting on the docks. It’d be a hippie bloodbath.

Frankly everyone seems to have forgotten one simple thing. If I choose to buy a bag of potatoes, and then I choose not to eat them for some reason, that is my lookout. It is my money that I’m wasting, not George Monbiot’s.

And similarly it’s no good pointing a finger at supermarkets, saying that they throw perfectly good food in the bin every day. Yes, though that’s because they are forced to put “best before” dates on everything to avoid being prosecuted by the government for giving some fat kid a bit of wind.

I agree. They should be made to keep every vegetable until it starts to look like a Doctor Who special effect. But then what should they do? Many Africans are desperate, but not so desperate that they’ll eat food which has mutated into an enormous bogey. So it goes into the ground. Where – guess what? It’ll rot.

The best solution then is to worry about something more important – but sadly we are ruled by a government that will never pass up the opportunity for a bit more interference. If it could have an agent in every house, at every meal time, ready to prosecute parents for using too much salt and not making Johnny eat up his greens, trust me on this: it would.

Unfortunately, however, the civil service is too busy counting discarded potatoes for that – so instead our glorious leaders have decided to make the whole process of waste disposal so bloody complicated that you would rather eat everything on your plate, and consequently explode, than go to all the bother of remembering which bin to use.

Round where I live we have green boxes for newspapers, plain white paper and green bottles. But not bottle tops. They have to go in the blue box, along with the shampoo, the junk mail and the paper that isn’t quite white.

And it gets worse because there’s also a garden-waste bag into which you may put hedge clippings, but not food waste. What you’re supposed to do if you’ve eaten half your hedge, which technically makes the other half food waste, I don’t know. Happily, though, the council will provide a “field officer” – called Standartenführer Schmidt, probably – who’ll call round with advice and leaflets, which when you’ve finished reading them should go in the blue bin. Or is it the green one? Honestly, you need to be Mr Memory Man to stand a chance.

What I do to get round this problem is to feed all our waste – even the junk mail, the hypodermic needles and the peelings from the potatoes – to our chickens. It’s brilliant. The eggs they produce have actually started to come out in old HP Sauce bottles, which is handy. And I don’t have to tip the hens at Christmas.

If you have no chickens, don’t despair. You can either wait for the government’s exciting Compost Awareness Week, which starts on May 4. Or you can live entirely on bars of Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut chocolate. Because no one in recorded history has ever thrown one away.

Mr Clarkson I would like to declare my love for you I have a cold and too much work to do yet your column still made me laugh out loud yet again.
I am constantly buying fruit and veg in the vain hope I will become healthy and eat it, but without fail it will end up in the bin.

Lisa , London/Newcastle, England

I'm always buying too much food only to end up throwing it away. Over-buying helps pump money back into our ailing economy. I'm doing my bit!

Matt, Nottingham, UK

5.1m spuds per day.... In a population of 61m people, that's about a twelfth of one spud per person. Not really much, is it?

Richard, Guildford, UK

What about us cows ?

No one gives a monkeys about asking us ? methane is a serious issue for us especially at Christmas

And What about us Chickens ?

Jonathan , Stanton Prior, Merry England

Just don't waste food, Jeremy. Don't buy too much, don't cook too much. It's obscene.

It's a shame that the government has to produce statistics like this, but it indicates how shamefully wasteful we are. Habits need to be changed, and, whilst individuals have the responsibility, gvt has a role.

jenkofo, London,

A fine wheeze from one of our under-employed waste management folks in local government - strain the teabags to reduce landfill weight. Great. Until some asked "What happens when it rains?" - true story from one of my rellies in South Britain.

JohnM, Perth, Scotland

Ooh, Compost Awareness Week! Be still my beating heart.

Actually, I'll look forward to it because I'm becoming genuinely confused on the whole methane issue. Are they going to be promoting composting, do you think, or telling us that as it relies on organic waste breaking down, it generates methane and is therefore evil?

Sod it, I think I'll just buy some chickens.

Wyvern, Plymouth, Devon

Funny and sane as ever

Keyvan, Sydney, Oz

Dear Benedict Nightingale,
We have just seen the Spanish Peter Pan in London and found it quite enjoyable. It was far better than the disaster at the Savoy a few years ago with Anthony Stuart Head as Hook. I agree that having Mrs Darling walking around as narrator is a bit odd but I was astonished to return home and find that the Times Telegraph and Guardian have panned the show. It is rubbish to say that the acting and the dancing were bad. They were as good as one would expect anywhere. I agree the songs were -sort of - sub Eurovision standard but they were jolly and much more enjoyable than most of the dreary rubbish in modern musicals. Getting one or two people up from the audience is a quite normal part of pantomime so why harp on that? All in all it was a good show.

Stephen Redburn

stephen redburn, LONDON, LONDON

Lets stick with the' Bolly, Stolly and cigs.' There's no waste to bother with !

Max Horne, Bembridge, I.o.W

Another gem from unquestionably the most talented and entertaining journalist and broadcaster in the country.

Roarke, Wembley, UK

Rotting potatos. Feed them to the geese on your flight ponds. They love 'em. Come September you can harvest an eco-crop.

Simon Hough, Widnes, Cheshire

Jeremy

If you are having difficulty distinguishing between a green and a blue box, perhaps you should stop eating your hedge...

Peter, London,

I don't want the truth to get in the way of a good rant but:

- food in landfill rots without oxygen and this generates far more methane than eating the same quantity of food.
- methane is a more powerful greenhouse gas than CO2, but persists in the atmosphere for a shorter time.

- best-before dates: I'm sure you'd be happy to buy a slightly mouldy, but edible packet of chicken korma and not complain to the supermarket.

Jez, Cheshire, UK

Brilliant!

Paff, London,

...and I thought that Compost Awareness week was just one of Jeremy's "throw away" lines....

http://www.compostawarenessweek.org.uk/

...you couldn't make it up.

John, Stratford upon Avon, UK

Dear Mr Clarkson
Is there any thing the people in this country can do about the price of petrol @desil as this is becoming a joke can you please get a perteion going so every body can have a go or something we can do as you know this govement does not care how we feel as long as they get there vat on what we paye
thank you

leslie lewis, ramsgate , england

I blame supermarkets. They put out manky looking spuds in the "bag your own" section and save the best for their pre-packed ones. Sadly, the pre-packed ones are also the same weight as a small hippo and, as a result, leave you with the challenge of devouring 48 genetically fiddled with and nitrogen bathed spuds before they go off.

About 45 seconds after you open the bag.

Rick T, Dubai, UAE

Have to say that the whole recycling thing is barmy.
I'm hobby welderer and thought to myself that rather than go and buy some box section I'd nip down to the local dump and see if they had any I could recycle.
"NO!" apparantly it's againt the law to recycle anything in your local dump.

Phill, The Wirral, England

We have 6 different bins over here: Plastics, Paper, Glass, Tin, Organic, Residual.
Plastics & Paper account for 80% of the total waste and are emptied/collected from bi-weekly to monthly. The rest is collected every fortnight or month. The more waste you produce the more you pay. Simple & Fair!

Christian, Bad Kleinkirchheim, Austria

Hurray!! A sane voice in an insane New Labour World!! Down with the Bottom Inspectors! Down with Big Brother!

RB, Aberdeen,

Well done, Clarkson. For Gawd's sake keep it up!

Adrian de Redman, Birmingham,

I don't want the truth to get in the way of a good rant but:

- food in landfill rots without oxygen and this generates far more methane than eating the same quantity of food.
- methane is a more powerful greenhouse gas than CO2, but persists in the atmosphere for a shorter time.
- best-before dates: I'm sure you'd be happy to buy a slightly mouldy, but edible packet of chicken korma and not complain to the supermarket.

Jez, Cheshire, UK

Good one Jeremy!! However, I feel you have missed a couple of tricks.

Why not mash the potaoes and:
1. Fill the worlds volcanoes with the mash to stop them erupting 'potatoefication'. As, 98% of the worlds CO2 is produced by volcanoes, the oceans and animals farting; us poor humans only produce 2%, so why pick on us?? And as humans in the Uk only produces 2% of the 2% (ie 0.04% of all CO2), what differrence will it really make anyway?? Picket the volcanoes, pass a law making it illegal for them to erupt; any eruptions will be punished by "potatoefication"

2. Send the mash to south America where it can be used as fertilizer to help the growth of the forests that absorbe the worlds CO2. Oh but silly me, they have all been cut down to grow bio-fuel crops...well done to the green campaigners & our Gordie on that one!!??

karran, Gloucester, gloucestershire

Jeremy we love Top Gear and and would like you to migrate here to Australia and preach this to all our bone heads.& politicians. Your show is the one thing that unites Our 1000 'best and brightest' and the 99.95% of us that are obvious imbeciles- we all love a big surge from a double barrel blast off- cars I mean not lateral methane ports.. We desperately need a new conservative leader since we lost the best PM this century- perhaps you can stand- I would even pay more tax to get you.

Rosemary, Melbourne, Australia

Pure Yukon Gold.
My gosh a good laugh makes one feel better.
Just thinking what do The Greens and potatoes have in common,- well potatoes when green are poisonous and make you very sick.

Rosemary, Melbourne, Australia

I live in Thailand, the only way I now wish to keep faith with the UK is through Mr. Clarkson, his wit is enormous, but underneath there is one hell of a brain showing us mere mortals the truth about our ridiculous so-called democracy.

Mr. Clarkson~can you suggest a form of governing that keeps out all that we know and introduces us to something modern? For example, no more voting but the top say 20 people (evaluted by sucess, not just money or power) should do a 3 year term govening ~probably not workable but we definitly need some one to introduce a different structure.

Keep up your wonderful articles.

Roger Smith, Hua Hin, Thailand

Trash pickup here in Las Vegas is much simpler. Curbside recycling is voluntary. Pickup is twice a week, put out whatever you wish as much as you wish. I have put out broken a hot water heater, chunks of broken concrete, replaced my roof and put the old one in the trash. I don't understand what the problem is.

glen, Las Vegas, NV/USA

From Down Under.
Many a truism is said in jest. Getting just as bad hear, one council is employing inspectors, to go around at night which a torch and warning stickers at the ready, making sure that we are recycling properly. If you think these idiots are funny. Then be warned, they will take over, because the sane ones are too complacent.

steve, melbourne,

Discovery: Pre historic sea dragon remains found in Utah USA. View photos at http://wwwhszoria.com See photos of seazoria dragon skull matrix excavation. The Hallettestoneion SeaZoria Dragons were discovered 5 years ago by construction workers excavating along an ancient seashore. The SeaZoria dragons (130 to 300 feet) were frozen alive 540 million years ago. The SeaZorias became extinct 320 million years before the first land dinosouars. Addtionally the SeaZorias were thousands of genorations more evolved than the dinosouars.The Hallettestoneion Research Projects official website wwwhszoria.com contains more the 120 photos. click on the photos to enlarge. Most photos in the galleries are of the skull matrix excavation of Hillfieldion SeaZoria. (skull and Teeth) other photos are of different species of Hallettestoneion SeaZoria Dragons. Photos in the zoria lab are of the repeating biological structures. Rights and Lefts. The SeaZorias are the most advanced forms of life ever

MIKE HALLETT, Kaysville, U.S.A. / UTAH

"And what would you do with all those discarded potatoes Jeremy, pray tell? Ferment them?

Seb Carroll, Leeds, "

Not a bad idea - she obviously hasn't heard of vodka.

Geoff , Bromsgrove, England

Absoultely fabulous!

"Or you can live entirely on bars of Cadburyâ€™s Fruit & Nut chocolate. Because no one in recorded history has ever thrown one away."

Made me cry with laughter and chased away the monday blues.

Must RSS this column!

Bob, Ellon,

Be charitable: feed the foxes. I do in any case!

ian, London, UK

half eaten hedges, eggs coming out in HP bottles! brilliantly funny once again mr.clarkson. keep up the good work.

John, Chester, UK

Jeremy,

Noone is suggestiing sending excess food to the Third World.
This is highly impractical and not cost effective.

A better solution is to bring the poor and needy to the UK instead.
This has the added benefit of boosting the UK economy by billions... apparently.

Paul, Singapore,

The potato absorbs carbon from the atmosphere when it grows, and then gives it back when it is eaten or thrown away. There is no net gain in atmospheric carbon.

Unfortunately we live in a post-scientific age.

Frank Upton, Solihull,

The problem with Mr Clarkson's analysis is as follows...

industrial agriculture takes about 10x more energy to produce food than we get from it when we eat it. Where does this extra energy come from? Fossil fuels, the burning of which causes the odd issue.....

Growing and rotting our own spuds is not a problem, purchasing them from the supermarket and then throwing them away is....

David, southampton,

And what would you do with all those discarded potatoes Jeremy, pray tell? Ferment them?

Seb Carroll, Leeds,

Chickens Rock !

We have about 10 of them, they lay in their nestboxes and then roost for the night in the trees - no fox problem !

They eat all the kitchen scraps - turning yesterdays pasta into next weeks cholesterol . . .

Nick, Bundaberg, QLD, Australia

Would you please leave the Cadbury's for the girls? Real men should only eat Yorkies ;o)

JezzaBelle, Somerset, ENGLAND

PS.

Clarkson for Her Majesty's First Lord of the Treasury !

wills, soton, uk

i second the 'uh... what?'

Brendan, Copenhagen, Denmark

Why should you eat anyway, you will just get hungry again.

George, London,

uh... what?

lewis, manchester,

so that's why i'm paying more tax on my pitiful income - now I don't have enough money to buy too many spuds

who said this government were stupid ?

ray, lincoln,

Why would you want to waste food anyway? It's money down the drain, more stuff to lug back from the shop, more rotten sludge in the fridge, smelly bins...

If a public service admitted to throwing away 1/3 of their resources then I'm sure you'd have something to say. Householders throwing away 1/3 of their food is no different in that it eventually costs everyone else through council tax and increased food prices.

S Smith, Loughton, Bucks

Good on you Jeremy. As to those who prescribe going easy on the potatoes. I agree with them. Too much carb is the quickest way to obesity and a heart attack that man has so far devised.

This can be proved by a quick check of the WHO-EU-Monica study data at www.ehnheart.org/files/statistics 2005. This gives national figures for CHD and % intakes of fat, fruit and veg and by calculation carbs.

M. Cawdery, Portadown, Co. UK, EU.

Once again, on form. Love it.

niall emmett, Leeds, West Yorkshire

As usual Jeremy - spot on. But, Big (Ecological) Brother is already here (where I live). Belgium (its not my choice - I was forced here) has already gone too far on recycling. I have blue bags for paper and tin (recyclable only!); a green bin for garden rubbish; a small red box for chemical hazardous stuff; and a big grey wheely bin for 'household' rubbish (which is allowed to include all the above unless the rubbish men spot it during collection, in which case they leave it all on your drive). They come at different days for different categories. Each wheely bin (green or grey) has a bar-code on it which the rubbish truck reads when it empties it. It also weighs it, so every 6 months I get a bill for all the rubbish that they have collected. If I don't use their services and go to a communal site (also only place for larger items that won't fit in the bin) I get charged even more. If you have more than you are allowed each week - it gets dumped on the drive. Heaven!

David L, Brussels,

Just be thankful you don't live in California or Oregon, where the only living organism with absolutely no right to live on the planet is a human being. The spotted owl is far more secure than an unborn child.

Curmudgeon, Palo Alto, California, USA

Why not just serve a portion of potatoes that you can eat? If you keep on finding that you have food left over then maybe this is the prompt to put less on the plate.

Similarly if you constantly end up with rotting veg then why not buy less in the first place?

S Dynan, Oxford, Oxon

As Central Govts lose their power to truly influence global events (witness the 'Credit Crunch', Iraq etc) it's inevitable that their attention should be turned to the minutiae of our everyday lives. Challenge them at every turn. Make these witless bullies justify themselves as they spend OUR money on irrelevant nonsense.

Brian Phelan, Banteer, Ireland

jeremy

i hate your crazed love affair with noisy metal machines

but, hey !

this article is really good !

richard ( oxford )

richard house, oxford, uk

Don't recall my mother wasting much food in WW11. Perhaps Gorden should pick a quarrel with Angela Merkle ;-)

Jon, Bath, UK

If Joe Bloggs from number 52 did not buy five kilo of spuds every time he wanted 1 kilo, then the market demand would indicate that those spuds were not planted.
THEN they would be no rotting, no matter HOW you convolute your argument.

Ragnar Vagmornasson , Berlin, Preussen.

How about ending the ethnically motivated disinformation and ideological and political war by freeing scientific information, that will do it , but hang on we are trying to be good citizens?

joe, London,

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Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson's career as car reviewer and BBC Top Gear presenter has made motoring into show business, but he has earned himself the description of an "equal opportunities loudmouth" for his opinionated commentary on all aspects of life, appearing weekly in The Sunday Times.