I divorced when i was 31 after 12 miserable years with a man I never loved or liked and could not stand his mannerisms.We had a child to young and I stayed in the relationship for her alone I would never recommend this to any women now. I have been very happily divorced for 21 years and would never live with another man again. I have been out with one or two. But as I would never sleep with a man smelling of alchol or like a dirty old ashtray that cut out half the population. I also cannot stand sport at all particularly football or rugby and would never stay in a room where it was on. Or let any man watch it on my TV. I would never move in with a man again and I would never have one living with me as he can claim half of everything after 2 years. I never wanted my children to experience any of it. Anyman who takes money from any women is a wimp and I would never have anything to do with a man who did this. I also do not want one with ex wives,partners or kids. I just dont want the has

Fiona McCormick, Limassol, Cyprus

Good article - but incomplete. You have to separate the truly nasty & violent situations from the merely unsatisfactory. No-one can fill up your life & make you happy - you have to do it yourselves by looking outwards at life, not inwards. What a responsibility to put onto a partner - make me happy, fill my life!. Falling "in love" is temporary insanity lasting about 2 years-ish. True love is built up over time and is worth more than a sequence of "in love" experiences - there's no fast track to this. However, ideally, men and women should wait until they are at least around 30 before thinking of marriage.

Lynne, Geneva,

While I completely accept Anne and Andrew's comments, please let us try and distinguish between genuine abuse (physical AND emotional) and what Libby was rightly getting to, where women (and men) of my generation (early 30's), find life getting a bit tougher than it was in their 20's, more tired, and less time alone together, or doing the things they used to do etc etc.....and incorrectly seeing this as the end of their marriage, and not just the inevitable 'dull' bits that occur in any long partnership. Marriage (or even living together) requires commitment and work. There are ups and downs and it isn't always exciting and sometimes its monotonous. It doesn't mean its over, but my generation in particular seem quite happy to call it a day, for nothing more than the fact the 'spark' has gone. If it's gone for you, it's probably gone for them, so rather than making a lawyers christmas, start looking at yourself, as well as your partner. I think THAT is what Libby meant.

Francesca, Norfolk,

Marriage is now utterly pointless. It was invented by religion and encouraged historically by the state as a form of social security.
Nowadays either you want to stay with a particular partner which is fine or you dont. In the first case marriage is irrelevant and in the second you are simply providing a feast for the vultures of the legal system.

EP, COLCHESTER, ESSEX

Yes divorce is miserable and can be more so at this time of year. As to 'emotional abuse' being an expression subject to all sorts of hysterical me-generation overstatement - it can be a very serious problem. I lived for 2 years from physical abuse - when I discussed the problems with 'reasonable adults' I was totally humiliated - shes just a woman, don't be such an idiot etc. The fact that I had doctors notes detailing severe bruising seemed to count for nothing.
Over christmas 2003 I was able to take time out and think about whether I felt my son growing up and seeing his Dad terrified of getting kicked and hit from his mother was acceptable. The answer was no and we sperated in January and were divorced 12 months later. Since then I have had the best Christmas' ever and my ex and I are on very good terms now. Yes divorce is miserable and can be more so at this time of year - but if your life is miserable at Christmas - Divorce can be the perfect tonic.

Andrew, Midlands,

It is impossible to look into the lives of those who get divorced. Dull, sexless, loveless, even the odd one night stand may also seem tolerable to many woman who have finally reached the painful decision to divorce. Many women who have been physically abused agree that emotional abuse is far, far worse and not, as Libby suggests dismissively, the self-obsessed imaginings of the 'me' generation. Many women have experienced years of systematic attacks on their very identity. If you have never experienced this, it IS hard to understand, and I am very glad for Libby that she clearly has no idea what this type of relationship is about. She should not heap more scorn on women whose self esteem and sense of identity is already in tatters.

Anne, Brighton,

Why doesn't our society see that young people learn more about marriage and what it all means in terms of commitment and just sheer bloody hard work before they take this huge step. Perhaps then people wouldn't be in such a rush to end it all as the first cracks appear. It is easy to be 'in love'. When the honeymoon period is over - and it always ends - that is when we have to learn to truly 'love' -it is now that the hard work starts. I have been divorced for six years but my marriage was over long before that. It was the most horrendously unhappy time and I still worry that the experience will have scarred my two daughters in a way that may effect them in later life. Having said that, they have both told me they were happier for us to divorce than to stay together unhappily for them and, on the face of it, they do seem well adjusted young women. Time alone will tell.

Jane, Salisbury, UK

The fundamental question might be why it is so easy to get married. I don't mean legally. I mean why is there no social brake on marriage any more? Nobody seems to challenge the "right" to a big shouty wedding as though that's the main point. of getting married. Nobody discusses the hard yards that are required after the party. There is little help for marriages in troble so they often go to the wall rather than being repaired. There are fewer role models. Marriage is not an outdated institution. It is misunderstood, and wrongly sold. It's time to take a look at the whole thing again and reaqauint ourselves with its true purpose.

Tim, Kingston,

Bravo Libby Purves!
Sensible down to earth comment from someone with no axe to grind and nothing to sell.
We at Divorce Aid see the misery of divorce first hand everyday. Yes, there are good divorces, usually because of the sacrifice of one spouse in order to protect the children. We do try to teach how to go about it if it is indeed the last resort. But we certainly do not preach 'winning the life you want.' This can be left to other commercial outfits with sound bites, sales and little else. We deal in truth, human emotions and above all, the welfare of the child.

Divorce Aid Editor, Rutland, England

Marriage belongs to an age when women were the property of men. The bride's father even now "gives her away" to the groom.

Religious institutions have (at last) lost their ability to dictate silly rules concerning sexual morality and behaviour to us.

As we approach sexual equality (in the West at least), society now expects both males and females to be educated and to be able earn a living.

Marriage is pointless...

Allen, Sydney, Australia

"Honesty" is the key word here. Before getting married the boyfriend should tell his girfriend all his intended actions, such as, extra matrimonial sex, regular drinking bouts, football matches every weekend. The girlfriend should also divulge her probable lifestyle habits after marriage such as, looking at porn movies before going to bed, sips of sherry after work and before dinner, her refusal to wash under garments and to iron clothes, her hidden vice of occassional drug abuse. If they were both completely honest in the first place, then they know what they will be in for, and can made a informed decision on their marriage or otherwise. Divorce is a consequence of two persons not knowing the behaviour habits of the others before marriage.

Jim Wills, Brisbane, Australia

Married men never leave their wives (i.e. because it's too much like hard work). That is the reason for the statistics being quoted above. I learnt that from my divorced mother who, quite frankly, did my sister and me a massive favour. We are independent, strong women who know how to love and be loved.

RJ, NY, NY

This article makes me feel even less happy.

Although our marriage shares virtually nothing in common with much of the article above, I find my actions of yesterday make me part of a trend.

David, Leeds, West Yorkshire

There is no such thing as "divorcing well". If you got along so well in the first place, you wouldn't be divorcing. I speak as a 31-yr old divorced mother of two. The whole process was vile.

Could it have been avoided by either one of us just deciding not to do it "for the sake of the kids"? No. The elder of our two young children was terribly affected by our (frequent) arguments. As soon as his father and I split up, he became calmer and much more settled.

Three years on, the kids are happy and well-adjusted, stay with their dad every weekend, and he and I maintain a civil relationship as parents. Painful and expensive it may be, but divorce sometimes really IS the best option.

Lucy, Salisbury,

Attributing the catch phrase to lawyers was cheap lawyer bashing. Anyone can set up a web site to make money "helping" people find lawyers.
The criticism of divorcing couples is also unfair. As a divorce lawyer of over 40 years experience I have found that most divorce lawyers don't encourage divorce but neither do they fail to offer help to the unhappily married.
Both parties fear they will lose everything. They start divorce as a last resort, when they can stand their unhappiness no longer. And if the parents are unhappy, so are the children.
Many in our modern society just cannot cope with serious unhappiness. For them, divorce, selfish though it may seem, is as necessary to their well being as the amputation of a gangrenous limb.
As for those who think the law favours wives, unequal division generally happens only when there are children and statistics show that in those cases well over half of husbands recover financially from divorce within 5 years but most wives never do.

Peter Ryder, Middlewich, UK

I find it very funny to consider a marriage for life, not only funny but an old minded way of thinking, almost gaining the guinness for a retrograde thinking. The average age has reached the 80 years and what are you suggesting us? a forever marriage? ^ It is a public admission of failure - either you made a stupid decision when you got married^ this is really funny to read, almost amoral, a failure? why is it a failure? a stupid decision? why? Well of course when the train was invented people would propably think wouldn't survive longer than 1901, probably that, probably ...anyway it's funny

bees, milano, italy

Hmmm, I generally love Libby's articles but I think this is too big a topic and can't be covered so definitively in such a short space. It's too superficial to say "don't do it". I totally agree that children will suffer from divorce (I don't believe the friend of mine who cheerfully told me her child "loved" her "new dad" and being torn away from her home) but on the other hand, they would suffer if they saw one or both of their parents in a truly awful situation, and that doesn't have to mean someone is beating seven bells out of the other. Mental cruelty can be just as bad. I hope I never have a divorce, and I hope all my family and friends never have to go through it either, but I think the only useful advice is to think very long and hard before you get married in the first place!

H Grant, NRW , Germany

You all have no idea what you're missing when you have a good strong partnership. Butterflies... the lot of you!!! No surprise in 'gimme, gimme, gimme' Britain.

Judy , Liverpool, england

One would think that people would learn to avoid marriage like the plague. That would be the one sure way to avoid the trauma of divorce.

John, Jackson,

An excellent article. I applaud you!

J, London,

I know a lot of women who think divorce is a good thing. Especially the more beautiful women fancy divorces, just as their great heroines and stars in fiction and TV. I believe, one reason is that to a true beautiful woman, a divorce will do no harm. On the contrary, it will improve her just as a powerful man improves by every divorce he can produce. Look at the French president and his top model, they show it to the world why you should do it, if you can do it.

Paul Miner, London, UK

"But life is often boring and sex scanty"

Wow, this is so revealing about the author.

So if you feel you're being emotionally abused, it's because you're hysterical, self-obsessed and unwilling to put up with what Libby Purves thinks is a normal or acceptable level of misery. Great. Thanks.

sarah, london,

You forgot to mention the huge reason for divorce in the West. By and large women keep the house, the kids, their lifestyle and can move a boyfriend, or girlfriend, in the day after hubby is "ejected" from the matrimonial home. Given this it is unsurprising that 80% of divorces are requested by women. In some of the United States they are trying a new approach; divorce is made just as easy but the absolute base line is that on divorce both parents get absolutely equal access to the kids including for birthdays and Christmas etc and the marital home has to be sold and all proceeds divided equally and neither partner is allowed to move out of the State with the kids, the presumption is the kids are happier with their friends around. Result? Not only are divorces down hugely but equal numbers of men and women are asking for them. Only when I see a system in the UK where equal numbers of men and women file for divorce I will believe we are on the way to a fairer society.

John, Dundee, UK

To Carl of Johannesburg: Polygamy may be fine for the individuals involved, but when you look at the whole population it means that many men have no wife at all. They form a frustrated and violent class with nothing to lose.

Norman, Anstruther, UK

My parents chose divorce when I was six. The resulting fallout blighted my life. Well it could be said that any difficulties I experienced should have been overcome and with the forbearance of others they were. I am now sixty having had one marriage, still in place, several careers including Sandhurst and being called to the Bar so I suppose not too bad. However I disliked my young life, always dreamed of my parents re-uniting, came into conflict with new partners. Divorce is a word I learned to hate.

peter boswell, chagford, UK

We have resolved the problem in Africa by embracing poligamy. Gets the man out of the woman's hair and takes care of the often mismatched sex drives between men and women. If the women get on really well they can have the companionship men are seldom able or willing to provide. Win-win or not?

Carl Wille, Johannesburg, South Africa

The author espouses the supposed myths surrounding divorce and the resultant "freedoms", but are the myths surrounding marriage being questioned here? I was married for 16 years. The last 3 years were a loveless, sexless farce. I tried to stay in the marriage "for the kids", misguided by articles such as this, but came to realise that keeping kids in a loveless, tense household would do more damage to them than having the COURAGE to admit the marriage was over and end it. Yes there is a lot of fall out. The path is very hard, particularly the financial one. 7 years on my ex and I remain friends and committed to our 2 sons who are both at University, one now at post-grad level after winning a scholarship. No delinquant products of a broken home here. A colleague said to me the other day that I was lucky because I wasn't married and so had the freedom to do what I want. She is answerable to a particularly controlling husband in all she does. Marriage can be good, but also very bad...

Clarissa, Melbourne, Australia

While I agree wholeheartedly with the above advice, avoiding divorce is easier said than done when government policy promotes family breakdown by making it too easy for women to walk out. In America, for example, women initiate about 75% of divorces because for middle class women and above their financial security is guaranteed by equal property division laws, very high child support, and almost automatic custody of the children. A psychiatrist in my late 60s I've observed that women are generally far more dissatisfied with themselves, and the ordinary vissitudes of life, than men. That government policy plays to that is a major reason for so much of family breakdown today.

MARK KLEIN, M.D., OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

Look on the bright side. At least the lawyers will get wealthy.

Bright Button, Clothes,