IS IT A CRIME to back Trinidad & Tobago against England in the World Cup tomorrow? It almost feels that way. The Norman Tebbit test — do you support the England cricket team? — has been superseded by the Gordon Brown formula, which is even sterner.

Mr Brown sets a new loyalty standard by announcing that, despite being a Scot, he will be supporting England, and he clearly thinks it is a patriotic duty to do so. England carries the hopes of the entire UK with it, and we should all be enthusiastic about replacing divisive multiculturalism with solid Britishness, which is altogether more wholesome. Just to rub it in, he says that the finest goal he ever saw was scored by Paul Gascoigne for England against Scotland in the 1996 European Championships — as controversial a statement as has ever been issued by a Scottish politician.

We have yet to hear from the Home Secretary, another Scot (who isn’t these days?) but one imagines that Cabinet loyalty will override all other considerations, and Mr Reid will also back the Chancellor, England and St George, all of whom will be wrapped in red crosses on the day. Even Rhodri Morgan, First Minister of Wales, has said he will be cheering on England, though his support is wonderfully circumscribed: “The First Minister is a keen football fan and, above all else, looks forward to seeing some great football played in this tournament. He wants to see the best team win and would be very happy if the best team is England.” Peter Hain, Secretary of State for Wales, has revealed that his London flat is festooned with the flags of St George — though these are somewhat less conspicuous in his constituency office in Neath.

All of which makes the actions of Scotland’s First Minister verge on the heinous. Jack McConnell says that he intends to throw his weight behind T & T — the minnows of the competition. He argues that this is about football, not politics (ha!), and says his inclination is to back small teams that have Scottish-based players, rather than England, which doesn’t. Since one of the Trinidadians is actually called Scotland — Jason Scotland, who plays for the Scottish first division team St Johnstone — this makes the decision easier. If you can’t actually get your team into the World Cup finals, then having a player with the same name is the next best thing.

This has caused much shock and anguish north of the Border. There have been thunderous leaders in the Scottish press, accusing Mr McConnell of pandering to prejudice, and being out of step with the new political mood of the nation. But Mr McConnell knows he is playing to a receptive gallery. Most of Scotland — or at least two thirds according to the latest polls — agrees with him.

The delightful aspect of this otherwise immaterial story is the way that it plays to so many prejudices. For those convinced that Scotland is riven with anti-English resentment it will confirm their deepest suspicions. For those who believe that politicians will do anything to win votes, it will prove their case. For Mr Brown, it will feed his long-established antipathy to Mr McConnell, and suggest that his campaign to encourage Britishness throughout the UK has some way to go. Meanwhile, for those Scots who would love to see Wayne Rooney slotting in the winning goal against Brazil in the final, it will be evidence that they have not yet gone entirely native.

There is a deep seam of irony running through all this. Backing the smallest team in the competition is a source of much harmless fun, and the Scots have taken full advantage of it. A hitherto unknown group called “The Trinidad and Tobago Tartan Army” has composed a team song, which has shot to the top of the Scottish charts, and has execrable lines like: “Brace yourself ’cause on every screen/ There’ll be nothing but the England team/ But wait! Hey! There’s hope at hand/ We can still support Scotland, Scotland, Jason Scotland!” The player himself has been chosen as the new face of Irn-Bru, Scotland’s answer to Coca-Cola. A parliamentary goodwill motion in favour of the T & T side has been put down by the Scottish National Party, never an organisation likely to ignore a passing bandwagon. There will be a lot more of this kind of thing if the team makes any progress tomorrow.

Until recently, I would have taken a dim view of all this. I hold no brief for the “anyone but England” mentality which is as demeaning to Scots as it is uncharacteristic of their real nature, and this England team has such promise that it would seem churlish to deny them the chance of challenging the might of Brazil or Italy. I would even be prepared to don a T-shirt with a (very small) red cross on it.

Then, this spring, we went to Tobago and fell in love with another small nation in the grip of football fever. We drove past the Dwight Yorke Stadium, named after the former Manchester United striker, who carries the hopes of T & T tomorrow evening. We listened to the calypso music that predicted a miracle victory. We were assured that, for these islands of barely a million inhabitants, the World Cup was the greatest event of this or any other year. With six of their squad playing for Scottish clubs, they seemed our alter egos. And when, last weekend, with only ten men, they held Sweden to a draw, it was clear that they had the kind of fighting spirit that we in Scotland so greatly admire.

Just possibly, then, I may be prepared to dilute my support for England, and dance metaphorically on the streets of Port of Spain should T & T achieve the impossible and win. But please don’t tell Gordon Brown.

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