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From The Times

September 6, 2007

Haven’ t you heard? Mmm, got myself another stalker

Matthew Parris: My Week

Do you have a stalker? Should you? I ask, having found myself involved in a lunchtime conversation earlier this week at a smart London press club. None of us was exactly a household name (we’re not talking Jonathan, still less Diana, Ross here) but each was slightly-to-moderately known: names you might just recognise; the not-quite-famous.

You’ve heard of name-dropping? What we were involved in was what any cynical eavesdropper would at once have recognised as stalker-dropping.

“Do you have one?” I heard myself saying to the near-celeb woman next to me.

“Not at the moment. Mine committed suicide.”

Murmurs of sympathy. “You poor thing! You must have felt awful.”

“Yes. He’d been sectioned. I didn’t know what he might do. It was the staff at my office I felt sorry for – having to take his awful calls.”

“Gosh – but didn’t a little bit of you feel relieved when the police told you he’d . . . well, killed himself?”

Tactful silence from respondent.

Moos of understanding from the rest of us.

On discovering that another member of our group had had not one but two stalkers, I felt under pressure to stake my own claim. “I’ve only ever had one,” I confessed, “but she was a nightmare. I’d met her at a party. She wore a leopard-skin jumpsuit. After that, thousands of phone calls – for years.”

“My dear, how creepy – didn’t you call the police?”

“Oh,” I demurred, with fake male bashfulness, “it’s a man thing, I guess, but I didn’t. I felt I ought not to need the police to protect me from a woman who was drinking too much. Truth is, I was a teeny bit flattered that I could be obsessively interesting to anyone at all, even if she didn’t interest me.” Nods of fellow feeling.

There was a fourth person chatting with us but after a while she left the conversation. Poor love – I suppose she’d never even had a stalker.

It’s hard for a columnist to judge how hard and how often to beat a drum. I went on for too long about Tony Blair being a delusional poseur, and after nearly a decade probably became a bore on the subject. History may prove me right – but then again, history may have other things on its mind. Yet after banging on a great deal ten years ago about cheating in British television, I now rather wish I’d stuck to my guns rather than dropping the subject when nobody seemed much bothered.

And my new dilemma is Gordon Brown. I keep saying this – but the man hasn’t got the ghost of a plan. Not an idea in his head. Anyone with ears to hear could guess as much from his speech and media interviews on Monday. “Citizens’ juries” across the country to advise the Government on policy? Spare us. Why doesn’t he advise the Government? He’s the Prime Minister.

What leaps from Mr Brown’s interviews is not the intellectual colossus that some of my Fleet Street colleagues describe, but an ambitious school bursar with a powerful ego, a good head for figures and a big gap in his brain where a creative political imagination ought to be.

Mr Brown interviews like a frightened man, desperate to bore and bulldoze his way through 15 minutes without saying anything.

Can’t you hear that? Should I keep saying it? Or is it time to shut up?

The Derbyshire Peak District, like the Pyrenees from which I recently returned, is suffering from an infestation of walking sticks. These idiotic shiny poles are the new must-have for hikers. Across Europe, a fortune is being spent on long, super-light, state-of-the-art, carbon-fibre (or whatever) spikes, of which most walkers now carry two, one in each hand. They are perfectly useless. You even see able-bodied people trying to employ them on metalled roads.

The yomping or mountaineering circumstances in which sticks are a help rather than something extra to carry are unusual. At other times, and for all but the lame or unsteady, a ridiculous-looking painted pole is just an expensive nuisance. Have sticks joined the lengthening list of accoutrements whose purchase, possession and display is more about looking cool and kitted-out than about useful function? There’s a whole class of visitors to the countryside these days for whom I suspect getting the gear is the most important thing. Thus the human animal evolves from four legs to two, only to revert.

I am in my late 60s and enjoy walking but do sometimes find it hardgoing because of past injuries and a tendency to go over on one ankle. Walking poles make a huge difference to how confident I feel about my balance. They also help me to improve my walking style, with more upper-body movement. Then, as others have mentioned, there's the help for the knees. I think they're great. If Matthew hasn't tried them himself, I don't thnk he should be so dismissive.

DMB, Lausanne, Switzerland

"I went on far too long about Tony Blair being a delusional poseur, and after nearly a decade I probably became a bore on the subject.".....
Very true.

"Mr. Brown interviews like a frightened man, desperate to bore and bulldoze his way through 15 minutes without saying anything. Can't you hear that? Should I keep saying it? Or is it time to shut up?"
Yes please.

Caz, Notts.,

Brown's record as chancellor speaks for itself. The Tax Credits disaster. The PFI disasters. The Pensions disaster.

And now he's PM...

Jeremy Poynton, Fromeville, 51st State

Never a true word was spoken re the walking poles. As we drive back to ashbourne we see people using while walking along the A52. These same people also carry maps in plastic wallets! just what is the point and further more why walk along the A52 when you have the peaks on the doorstep.

jill, Ashbourne, derbyshire, Great britain

You are right about Gordon Brown. He is in real trouble on the economy, because he is NOT the cause of stable economic growth. The nation's credit cards are. The reason the economy keeps growing, is that people are addicted to spending on credit. Every now and again they rely on their properties increase in value to reschedule their debt into a more easily payable, but bigger sum. Once property prices start to fall, this avenue will no longer be open to people, they will be forced to drastically reduce their spending to repay their debts and then consumer confidence will plummet and we will be in a severe recession. What is the scale of the problem? well the nation's private credit card and mortgage debt now surpasses the nation's GDP. This level of personal debt is clearly unsustainable and Gordon Brown did nothing to prevent or mitigate against this. He really has been a woefully inadequate chancellor and is now shaping up to be an even worse Prime Minister.

Ken Hall, Barrow in Furness, UK

Please keep reminding us of our leader's personality defects, as you did with Blair. The latter has been an absolute disaster for our country and the only time I disagreed with your comments about his personality and management style was when you said the U.K. had become a nicer place under him.

So many aspects of our country's social machinery are now in a mess due to his preoccupation with presentation and his inabilty to stand up to Gordon.

John Russ, Ware, England

You should keep on about Mr Brown's ineloquence and his crude way of jostling through interviews and balance it with criticisms of his policies (which is more important). Banging away about Mr Blair's insanity is important too because such a thing should disqualify political stations such as prime minister. But, even though your arguments themselves made sense, the notion is far fetched and might sound like a person telling a bad joke over again because he got no laughs the first time. You should be direct with stalkers about it. And "not-quite-famous"? What ridiculously modest bosh! You're famous.

Kevin Johansen, San Francisco, CA

Please carry on about G Brown. We need to be made to see him clearly as he is. He has no idea how to communicate with other people and has no empathy with them. As you say, his only interview technique when faced with an awkward question is to continue bellowing what he was originally saying and to pay no attention to what is being said to him. Is this what he means by "listening to the people"? You are WRONG about the sticks - they are very useful on rough ground for those not quite as fit as you no doubt are.

David Price, London, UK

Like you, Matthew, I have been banging on for some time about Gordon Brown. My thesis is that he is a master tactician, but a novice strategist. All his moves since taking over from Tony Blair support my view. Tactical retreats on casinos, cannabis, etc. and tactical strikes at individual Tories, picking off the disaffected and unpromoted. But where is the strategy, the big picture, the Brownism? I intend to continue letting people in on my personal revelations until I manage to snag a stalker.

Baskerville, London, UK

Matthew's wrong about the walking poles (and they've been around for many years, by the way). My knees aren't 'shot', as David Johnson so charmingly puts it, but I want to stop them getting that way (I'm 61). And apart from the benefits when going downhill, they are also useful for beating down nettles and hooking brambles out of the way. And Hawkshead have pairs for only Â£10, so they don't have to be expensive.

Marion, Newmarket, UK

Don't be so snobbish about walking sticks or any assistive device - you'll be saying they're wearing the wrong-coloured boots next! . Many physical activities require use of additional equipment. My parents are well into their 70s and still love walking on the coast and in the Lake District. Due to increasingly dodgy knees and reduced strength with age, the sticks help them significantly with balance and help when coming down hill. What would you prefer - their continued health or a drain on the health service? Let others enjoy activities for themselves and not worry about offending other narrow minded individuals.

sarah chapman, Marden, Kent

Carry On about Gordon. I could not agree more.

Robert, Edinburgh, U.K

Oh, God, yes!
On a recent holiday in Madeira we were plagued with seemingly thousands of German tourists with walking poles. We were mostly walking alongside levadas, almost horizontal watercourses. Even in the mountains I found myself in no trouble with no walking pole(s).
And the noise they make! You can hear their distinctive clatter from a very long distance away.

bill clements, benton,

Far too much of the media is fawning over Gordon Brown, treating him like the second coming. Charles Clarke called him a control freak, who am I to argue? I imagine him issuing guidance to his family about how many sheets of toliet paper to use, requiring a form completed in triplicate for the use of a paper clip, and maintaining an alphabetised list of his stealth taxes.

Mark Tibbits, Leamington Spa, England

Great ,Matthew,
The Tories are just going to storm home, aren't they? Would you like to put your money where your mouth is?

Diotima, London, UK

Brown is more delusional than Blair,he a'nt got a clue.Not long now before he seen for what he is, naked.

Robert , Drby,

Please keep saying what needs saying about Brown. He's been the silent partner for the last ten years, keeping quiet on many issues, leaving Blair as the media friendly front man. Now Brown has to face the glare of the media spotlight on his own he appears to have little of real substance to say and an appalling manner of saying it.
What amazes me is the easy ride he is being given; it seems all he has to do is mention the words change, difference or 'new type of politics' and everyone believes him - the past all forgotten.

Richard W, Belfast, uk

Lay off sticks! We wrinkly walkers need them to save our knees when descending the steep slopes that abound hereabouts.

Noel Falconer, COUIZA, France

Matthew, if you try some serious hiking (i.e. with steep uphill and downhill sections) using hiking poles, you'll find that they will revolutionise your hiking experience: (i) On uphill sections, the use of the arms as well as the legs gives extra power and lessens fatigue; (ii) On downhill sections, they save a lot of wear and tear on the knee joints and greatly reduce the work done by the thigh muscles (no more sore muscles next morning after a long descent!); (iii) On narrow paths and ridges with significant exposure they give greatly improved stability (two legs good, four legs better). The only case where they are an encumbrance is during scrambling, and they are then easily collapsed and stowed in a backpack.

Give them a try - use 2 poles, not one - and you'll be amazed!

Alan Bray, Manchester,

I live in the Pyrenees and can assure you that none of the locals use walking sticks. Whenever you see an earnest looking couple with walking sticks and Alpine hats you know that you are looking at townies from the plains.

Gervas Douglas, Andorra la Vella, Andorra

Matthew,
Wait until you get old and your balance becomes uncertain.

John Meadows, High Peak, Derbyshire

I totally agree with your analysis of Gordon Brown, his only ambition seems to be to cling to power for as long as possible but he doesn't really know what to do with it. He relies as much on spin as the previous one and his interview technique despite the reduced Scots accent and lowered tone is appalling. Please keep banging on about him until he is gone. And I agree about the sticks

Patrick, Cambridge,

I admire Matthews normal political astute mind and prose but what is this nonsense about walking poles. For hundreds of years walkers, usually pilgrims utilised a pole or stick to help over rough terrain. Older walkers whether in the country or on city streets have taken some comfort in the use of a stick. Yes I know that a lot of "walkers" use them without good reason but then lots of men wear ties and women wear hats without apparent reason. Perhaps he should try descending a steep uneaven grass slope with 15 kilos of rucksack, a stick is a great comfort and I havent even mentioned warding off farm dogs.

mike gee, bournemouth, uk

No, don't shut up about Brown.

Sooner of later, with your help, people wil realise that the Emperor has no clothes. Personally, I think that Brown is a slow learner who was given top jobs without any prior experience and deludes himself that he already knew it all, with predictable consequences. He devised complicated plans that anyone with a bit of experience could have predicted would result in the messes we've all seen.

HJ, Reading, UK

You were right about Blair (I also believe you were right about John Major too - I'm still struggling to understand the derision he elicits in media circles) and you are right about Brown too. Keep on a little longer.

Michael Sweeney, Salford,

Gordon Brown does not interview like a frightened man, he just does not like the media, the limelight or anyone questioning him, in fact he does not answer questions, he corrects them. He is the boffin in the backroom who is now in the driving seat, deciding whether he should be driving on the right or left.
As for regional Citizens Juries? please!! A referrendum on the proposed constitution on Europe? "non, that is for Parliament to decide". His is consensus politics, we all agree, with the exception of a few die-hard Tories. There is to be little or no opposition and we all travel down the centre of the same road together, with Gordon in his preferred position of back seat driver.
If he can stay the course, he may well turn out to be a good Prime Minister, acting the part of Chairman of the Board. His problem is finding a Managing Director, to handle the media, promote initiatives and take the flack. Tony Blair comes to mind, but he is too busy dodging bullets in another place.

M. Fishman, London,

Brown is clearly the re-incarnation of Derek Hatton, formerly of the Labour Loony Left who would never give a straight answer to a question but instead would subject the interviewer to responses of machine gun, repetetive, largely meaningless jargon. We can only hope Brown meets the same political fate as Hatton.

B. J. Carroll, Hong Kong, China

Hello
You may be interested in the copy e'mail below relating to a self explanatory issue I presently have with Powergen plc
Regards David Mullins

Dear Sir/Madam

Following the completion of an account application, I have today received by standard mail service a confirmation of my direct debit which includes not only my personal bank account number but my bank sort code. I contacted your office by telephone to complain and was informed this was normal procedure. I am absolutely astounded that in this age of security awareness that a company of your standing make it their policy to endanger and put at risk their customers personal bank information entrusted to them. I require your assurance's that all future correspondence incorporating my personal bank details will be excluded

david mullins, Sale, Cheshire

Keep saying that Gordon Brown is frightened,scared, incapable of engaging in any sort of dialogue. His recent interview with John Humphrys on Today showed his steamroller tactics to the full'. Questions were ignored and Brown rolled on in that astonshingly ponderous complex 'style' which loses the listener after the fourteenth comma. If ever a politician has managed to create an image which is not sustained by reality it is Brown, and it continues to astonish me that his political opponents and intelligent commentators let him get away with his incompetence. After all he has presided over a vast waste of public money, and created a set of PFI problems which will come to haunt us as they unravel; starting with the Tube.

John Rees, Llandeilo, UK

To right on Brown,he is rehashing old ideas with new names etc. and taking ideas from anyone else that he thinks might work.In the end thoughhe will not be able to stop himself and revert to old style control -lots of new laws with little effect except more bureaucracy. Beware-things will get worse as he will have to deal with his own legacy as Chancellor.

Nigel Wheatcroft, Wimbledon, Uk

Couldn't agree more about about the craze for carrying "ski poles" on a walk. Fair enough if your knees are shot but if you're young and fit they're a complete waste of time. Or mybe young and fit are mutually exclusive nowadays and the poor souls really do need them???

David Johnson, Newcastle,

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Matthew Parris

Matthew Parris joined The Times as parliamentary sketchwriter in 1988, a role he held until 2001. He had formerly worked for the Foreign Office and been a Conservative MP from 1979-86. He has published many books on travel and politics and an autobiography, Chance Witness, for which he won the 2004 Orwell Prize. His diary appears in The Times on Thursdays, and his Opinion column on Saturdays