Matthew Parris: My Week
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When I was in the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, one of my tasks as a young officer was to receive and circulate what we used to call valedictory dispatches. Real gems came from retiring ambassadors departing their final posts. Typically, they might sum up the diplomat's thoughts about a whole career: about ministers, policy and the Foreign Office itself. The dispatch could be incredibly rude, indiscreet, frank or funny, for its author was quitting the greasy pole for ever. Great care was taken over the drafting of these parting shots, which might be widely read and admired within the Office.
I have just seen a splendid 21st-century equivalent. Under the Freedom of Information Act someone has got hold of what was in all but name the valedictory dispatch of Tom Winsor, the Rail Regulator, who departed his post in 2004. This is Mr Winsor's candid advice to his successor as Regulator (at www.rail-reg.gov.uk/upload/pdf/foi_67.pdf ). It's a beautifully crafted epistle of bitter wisdom about political cowardice, short-termism and deceit, and “the courtier mentality of some civil servants”.
“It should not be underestimated,” writes Mr Winsor, “just how effective the constant repetition of unjustified criticism and imaginary facts can be in shaping political and public opinion...
“...Politicians will talk about decades of underinvestment and putting right the mistakes of the past, but in general — and with some honourable exceptions — they are simply not programmed to make decisions which put the long-term interests of the industry and the public ahead of the short-term political imperatives of the moment. If the fire-alarm is ringing, the tendency is often to break the bell and stop the noise; not to put out the fire.”
Someone should research and publish a book of public servants' valedictory dispatches. We shall not have them much longer. I understand they have now been abolished in the FCO. The beauty of the Freedom of Information Act is that we can chisel the old ones out of the files. The cost is that in consequence few will now dare write them.
It is a fortnight since I brought you up to date with the cost to the taxpayer, so far, of Gordon Brown's ludicrous “citizens' juries”, to which jurors are recruited by offering them money. Then, the cash register had rung up £467,704. I'm afraid we need another update already. That figure, wrung from the minister by a written parliamentary question, was for the Department for Children, Schools and Families alone, over only four months. Now in answer to another PQ, we have the cost of NHS citizens' juries, of which there were nine in the last month.
Care to guess the figure? It's £869,930. So in total this turkey of an idea has cost well past the million-pound mark already. Well, here's a suggestion. Does Mr Brown dare (four words that are coming, invariably, to frame a rhetorical question) to hold a citizens' jury on the question of whether we should have citizens' juries?
There must be one important proviso: neither those who conduct the exercise nor those who take part in it should have (as at present they do) a vested financial interest in the turkey farm.
Before he became Prime Minister I devoted a page in The Times to the detailed story of just one of Gordon Brown's barking mad ideas. Small in itself, it provided (I suggested) a useful vignette on what is wrong with his brain. Mr Brown had proposed and forced through a plan for troublemaking teenagers to be paid — in vouchers usable at municipal leisure centres — £20 for every week in which they didn't make trouble. Of course you or I can see at once that this one's a turkey too; but a pilot scheme was duly required, and duly failed, and the whole thing was called off.
But we see from Tuesday's Queen's Speech that those little Brown head-demons have not been stilled. He and his intellectual bouncer, Ed Balls, have come up with a new idea: 17 and 18-year-olds who don't want to stay on in school are to be prosecuted, and possibly fined. There will be attempts to coerce their wretched parents too.
Do you hear, faintly from the bowels of No 10, a suppressed gobble- gobble sound? Yes, folks — it's another turkey. I'll try to keep you informed on the progress of this bird, too.
STOP PRESS: The Prime Minister is to consult on the creation and development of a “national motto”. Gobble-gobble-gobble.

Matthew Parris joined The Times as parliamentary sketchwriter in 1988, a role he held until 2001. He had formerly worked for the Foreign Office and been a Conservative MP from 1979-86. He has published many books on travel and politics and an autobiography, Chance Witness, for which he won the 2004 Orwell Prize. His diary appears in The Times on Thursdays, and his Opinion column on Saturdays
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"Legend, common law, freedom. Britain"
Michael M, Greeneville TN, USA
surely we already have a very good motto, it is on the passport. Honi soit qui mal y pense. (Shame on those who think evil). This sums up the British character as well as anything written since 1601. It is typical of the imbecilic Brown/Blair project to come up with nonsense such as this. The sooner the BBC rebroadcast Animal Farm and an updated version of 1984 the better. Indeed why not Orwell for the empty plinth in Trafalgar Square? Matthew Paris et al are right but the Thunderer must realise our democracy is going out as fast as the ebbing tide.
Howard Wortley, Christchurch, Dorset
Carpe Cerevisi - Seize the beer!
oops sorry thats Australia's motto.
MikeB, Townsville, Qld Australia
I am continually surprised and then annoyed to hear about how hard everyone is working in Britain, and, it seems, how they are owed so much by the meddlesome lazy Europeans and their 35 hour weeks and 6 or 7 weeks annual holiday.
Britain recently made it to 8th place in a study of the most productive countries, behind USA, Ireland, Belgium and France (5th).
For goodness sake, stop hanging around the coffee machine worrying about some meaningless mottos, and Do Some Bloody Work !! You might just get to 2nd place.... Britain spends far too much time concerned about the (over inflated) values of property and expects inflationary values to take care of its future needs.
I despair everytime I return to the rude, arrogant, lazy UK.
HUBBLE, Evian, France
National motto: Keep principles clean, change 'em.
Eddie McGrath, Stowmarket, Suffolk, U.K.
Perhaps if Gordon Brown and the Labour party revitalised manufacturing in this country, along with fishing and farming industries then they wouldn't have to insist on young people staying in school as there might be a useful apprenticeship. Then again if they do not regain control of the borders the public purse and parents may have to fund youngsters until they are well out of youth completely as there will be no jobs for them at all. Ever.
Philipa, Worcester, Woman
Instead of citizen's juries, I have a really progressive, innovative idea which will expand the ability of Government to understand what the people think about various proposals and policies.
We start by canvessing all the areas of the country for th epublic in each region to nominate people to represent them. Those representatives would have a close understanding of the specific needs of thier local areas and people, and would meet with the local people regularly to keep in touch.
Those representatives could then assemble together in a grand building somewhere (how about in London) and all together they would be able to speak with knowledge and authority and render representative opinions on the issues to the day, working with Government to be a truly representative force for the will of the people, and guiding the Government with feedback and ideas.
How innovative would that be? We could call them "Members of Parliament" and even pay them a salary...
John, Bournemouth, Dorset
The proposal for teeangers to stay at school until they are 18 is a no less than a ban on their (current) freedom to get a head start on the others by getting a job (perhaps an apprenticeship) and earning some money. Charming! And all those pregneant teenagers turning up for lessons. Hmm! I'm sure they'll be very motivated.
DavidO, Thames Diton, Surrey
Gordon Brown must be bonkers. Are all those frustrated teenagers who have been kept at school against their will for an extra two years, and those whose education is going to be disrupted by them, going to vote for him when they leave said school at eighteen?
Stewart Ware, London, UK
It's the unfathomable logic of this latest Brown wheeze that makes it so perverse. Put briefly, he must believe that as most schoolchildren are leaving school at 16 uneducated and illiterate, if they are compelled by law to remain in 'education' until they are 18 and their parent(s) is (are) made criminally liable if they don't, then they will knuckle down in those extra 2 years and leave school as well educated as,say a 1960's primary school pupil. Be careful Broon, if you educate them too much they may not vote New Labour.
B. J. Carroll, Liverpool, England
What is the difference between Hugo Chavez Frias, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, Francois Bozize Isaias, Afworki, Bingu wa Mutharika, Armando Guebuza, Umaru Yarâdua, Pervez Musharraf, Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed, Abdallah bin Abd al-Aziz Al Saud, Ernest Bai Koroma, Jakaya Mrisho Kikwete, Robert Mugabe, Levy Patrick Mwanawasa and Gordon Brown? Apart from the fact that the former have the sorts of names that football commentators feel duty bound to say in full every time they are referred to? I do not know the difference. Do you? Authoritarian, un-contestable, self-glorifying, loud, delusionary and bullying; omnipotent, grandiose and âpsychologically flawedâ, who can say. But how strange that, like the impurities in the steel process, they rise to the top all over the world. It is one thing having something to say but a totally different thing just wanting power for the sake of it; both Brutus and brutal when we yearn for Anthony and alacrity.
Malcolm Turner, Alsager, England
I read a valedictory address from one of our Ambassadors to Saudi Arabia in Mrs Thatcher's time. As you say, beautifully written and, from my experience of KSA, totally accurate. But had it been published there would have been a major row, maybe even no more ambassadors! The gap between reality and apparent reality is a danger and no more so than when politicians act on the latter rather than the former.
Phil , Jakarta,
And still no-one knows how these "Citizens' Juries" are selected. As for Balls, the name says it all.
Who will rid is of this meddlesome government?
Jeremy Poynton, Fromeville, 51st State
Matthew and Libby Purves are doing a good job in reminding us weekly of the idiocies which Brown is forcing on us, first as the Chancellor, now as Prime Minister. Many of us actually have seen through this deceitful bully since well before the press. What we really need is for Matthew and others to start telling us how we can be rid of him before any more damage is done. Cameron seems to be genuinely angry, which is a good start, but who can unload the real firestorm that will result in us being greeted by the happier dawn of a Brown and Balls-free future?
Chris, Reading,
Matthew, could you tell the Buffoon in No 10 that we, or at least the British Monarchy, have a national motto 'Dieu et mon droit' What's good enough for Her Majesty is good enough for me. .
Why waste more money on reinventing the wheel?
David Ellis, Tarves, Aberdeenshire.