Matthew Parris
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Mobile phones do not work in the tiny island state of São Tomé e Principe off the West African coast, whence I returned last Thursday. So awaiting my luggage at Heathrow I was quickly on the line to a friend. “What's been happening in British politics while I've been away?” was the breathless question.
“Gordon Brown's been going on about plastic bags.”
Don't snigger. After nearly a decade puzzling over routine references by journalistic colleagues to Mr Brown's “towering intellect”, the penny has dropped. This is it. There isn't anything more. Citizenship ceremonies and plastic bags.

So it was off to the real Britain. In the old railway station below the Derbyshire town of Wirksworth on a wet and windy Saturday morning they were waving off the Idridgehay Express. This inaugural journey to Idridgehay went three and a half miles down the eight-mile track to Duffield. Ecclesbourne Valley Railway, a businesslike group of
local enthusiasts, have been reinstating the old, overgrown 1860 track, and are nearly halfway there.
Shivering, my partner and I quaffed our complimentary buck's fizz and joined the waiting train, an elderly diesel car (just like the whizzbang new one Grandad took me for a ride on in 1956).
The organisers had pulled out all the stops. The station was packed. A note had been affixed to the door of the temporary public loos: “More Ladies round the back of building.” In an eclectic mix of periods, uniforms and themes there was a barrel organ, a medieval town crier with a bell, a fine speech from the Mayor of Wirksworth, Councillor Pollock, and a shunting locomotive named after Lady Hilton, the public-spirited widow of a former lord lieutenant of the county. As we pulled away, everyone waved from their back gardens.
This is the real Britain, and I love it, and do not need to sign a register in some stupid, government-imposed citizenship ceremony to prove it.

Anxiety has surfaced this week about forced marriages in Britain. It seems there is no let-up in this practice: couples, of whom one partner is in the Indian sub-continent and one under close parental control, are being pushed into matrimony in large numbers. This is not the real Britain and must not become so. It can be corrected simply, not by posturing about Britishness but by a straightforward piece of law. Permission to bring a married partner into Britain could be restricted to couples both of whom are at least 25. This is clear and judiciable. Who can determine whether two people really love each other, or are engaged of their own free will? But who will seriously argue that if a couple are genuinely in love they cannot wait until they are 25?

It was announced on Monday that a 17-year-old Scottish schoolboy has come first in Europe and second in the world in a world maths competition. He tackled 62,273 mental arithmetic questions in 48 hours. And, with only half an hour's sleep, got 97.5 per cent of them correct. I heard this on the radio, before he was interviewed. “Funny,” I thought. “In my multiracial secondary school in Swaziland there were (among many Africans, Indians and Europeans) only three Chinese boys, and in maths all three of them were streets ahead of everyone else in the school.”
Then came the interview. The Scottish schoolboy's name was Rock Tsui. He spoke with a Chinese accent. Hmm. Is it really just upbringing?

The case of the 19-year-old gay Iranian student, Mehdi Kazemi, reported yesterday is troubling. Homosexuality is punishable by death in Iran, 4,000 homosexuals have been executed since the Iranian revolution, and Kazemi's boyfriend was hanged. The Netherlands (where Kazemi fled when his asylum application was refused here) has just sent him back. I see no way, under the Geneva Convention, that the Home Office can or should hold the line in his case. I hope he wins.
But if he does, what of all the other millions of gays in countries where they are viciously persecuted? Would they all be entitled to asylum? How much longer can the convention itself hold?

Oh dear. You just sit on the bench at Portcullis House in Westminster and MPs come up and offer horridnesses. This variation on the nursery doggerel is from a Labour backbencher, via another Labour backbencher - but composed by a Cabinet minister who must not be named:
At Downing Street upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't Blair.
He wasn't Blair again today.
Oh how I wish he'd go away.

Matthew Parris joined The Times as parliamentary sketchwriter in 1988, a role he held until 2001. He had formerly worked for the Foreign Office and been a Conservative MP from 1979-86. He has published many books on travel and politics and an autobiography, Chance Witness, for which he won the 2004 Orwell Prize. His diary appears in The Times on Thursdays, and his Opinion column on Saturdays
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In your last paragraph, were you, by any chance, referring to MI5?
Henry Percy, London, UK
"Anxiety has surfaced this week about forced marriages in Britain." If a parent in this country was found to be making a child available for sexual use by another adult here, it would, quite rightly be prosecuted vigorously as providing a paedophile with a subject for his/her gratification. Regardless of what sort of ceremony was undergone first. What is the difference if the paedophile lives in another country; even that from which the parents [or, increasingly, grandparents] originated?
S. Barraclough, Huddersfield, W. Yorkshire
Matthew Parris.
In line with your "thinking", statistics show that violence between white men against white women is far greater proportionately and absolutely than any honour crime that appears prevalent (more so thanks to the rather Anglo-centric press/media who have no idea what a balanced report looks like) within the so-called "Asian" community (no-such community). I therefore suggest we keep all couples from marrying one another until all males (especially white males) are tested for their propensity to attack people during situations of extreme discomfort and confusion. Racially profiling white anglo-saxon men in the ages of 20-50 years of age will be the best way forward in ensuring we tackle the main perpetrators of such crimes first. Surely a legal requirement for such action is more enforceable. And with the true nature of Britishness, all men will happily come forth and accept such tests as a necessity for rooting out such a commonplace societal evil!
Sandra Peters, Dubai, UAE
The writer is wrong to state that 4000 homosexuals have been executed in Iran. Unlike political opponents, who have been executed in large numbers, homosexuals do not threaten the regime.(However it is true that a number of homosexuals were executed in the first years after the revolution). To make statements like this tends to discredit in people's minds the actually correct reports of large numbers of executions of political opponents.
Also, it is a matter of common knowledge that the pretexts used by the majority of Iranian asylum seekers to demand asylum are false. Though the individual in question may indeed be a homosexual, I would like to remind the writer that it is also possible that he may turn out a homophobic person once he gets his asylum, just as people who have got their asylum through "conversion to Christianity" have laughed at Christianity afterwards and those who got it through political activity have generally been unsympathetic to genuine political opposition.
Ali, San Francisco, USA
To James of Norwich. The problem with the categorisation is that all are then deemed blessed with the same and only virtue! There are only certain peoples - from a couple of countries - from the continent of Africa - with the the propensity to be able runners. (and the phrasing is intended to underline the point!!) And no doubt the same holds true for the peoples of China and their capacity as mathematicians!
To acknowledge that fact, is not to pretend that everyone is equal. It is simply the assertion of a FACT!
Ms Ford, Paris, France
Tony must understand that distillation produces whiskey and thus a feeling of well being - a factor now difficult to associate with being British - followed by a hangover.
In these matters, that one examines dissipates to fumes and "Britishness" is no exception.If you want clarity try distilling the single malt of being English and leave the debate to those who are not so blessed and need to wrap themselves in a flag.
Unlike Gordon Brown we are confident in our nationality and usually demonstrate it in silence and leave the strident silliness to others,while appreciating their fine exports.
robert everitt, wolverhampton,
I do hope some enterprising railway line names a locomotive the "Matthew Parris" - or better still, the "Mighty Matthew Parris" What a treat that would be!
Geoffrey McNab, Belfast,
If Rock "Newton" Tsui has a Chinese accent then doesn't that suggest a strong influence from Chinese culture on his life, making it more likely to be his cultural background rather than race that had an impact on his maths performance?
Incidentally the Chinese emphasis on learning by rote may have something to do with this (can be a good thing, but it diminishes the relative importance of creative and critical thinking).
Spot on regarding Gordon, as always.
James, London, UK
You're right. While racial stereotyping makes no sense on an individual level (there must be any number of genetically innumerate Chinese), on a general level they're disturbingly accurate.
Too many of us can't draw a distinction between the two.
Ken Leyland, Liverpool, U.K.
real fame comes in england (this may also be true in wales ireland and scotland) when someone has a steam loco or a pub named after them so lady hilton was obviously well thought of in the area.
david c, purbeck,
Dear Peter Goddard,
The writer's first name is 'Matthew' not Martin, and the term 'Britishness' is a perfectly proper one. The concept involves a kind of distillation of the essence of idealised British values, manners and behaviour. It is I am sure well understood by most of us as would be the term 'Scotishness'.
Tony Volpe, Newcastle upon Tyne, UK
Thanks to many years of your Party Matthew and now this one [New Labour] all the values we once loved have gone forever - sorry but lament lament but know your history !!!
Ian Payne, WALSALL,
How refreshing (and typical) that Matthew is able to break to stifling Millenarian 'liberal' taboo that must pretend everyone is equal, regardless, else be charged with the modern heresy of 'racism', or 'sexism', or both. We all know that given 100 random Chinese and 100 random Africans one group will excel at things like maths and the other at things like running. May his colleagues too manage to break out of the hypocritical and cowardly cant that so distorts modern debate of almost everything.
James, Norwich, UK
How I hate that word Britishness. It is meaningless.
In this context Martin you mean English: stop this BBC PC and just say it: ENGLISH.
Furthermore, I note you find no problem in the word Scottish, so please when referring to something or someone who is English, then please remember we English have our pride too.
Peter Goddard, Epsom, England, EU
How I hate that word Britishness. It is meaningless.
In this context Martin you mean English: stop this BBC PC and just say it: ENGLISH.
Furthermore, I note you find no problem in the word Scottish, so please when referring to something (or someone) who is English, then please remember that we English have our pride too.
Peter Goddard, Epsom, England, EU
Mathew, leave the buffoons to worry about plastic bags and citizenship tests, it occupies their latent desire to interfere and meddle in our lives.
It could be much worse. They could be asking us to carry identity papers, filming our every move or setting up a huge data base of personal data.
Tom Payne, Huddersfield, Uk
It was only when I left the UK that I discovered what Britishness is and how important it is in the modern world. I was never a fanatical royal fan but when you live in a country with presidents (Greece) you miss the pomp and circumstance of royalty. It adds style and grace to a mundane world. We descry empire now but when I meet an increasing number of those citizens, mostly African and Indian, whose parents lived in British imperial times I find an immediate bond with them. In the first place they speak recognisable English and respect the individual. Then there are smaller things, like not shouting in public, or eating voraciously in public or respecting the discipline of the queue. Most politicians are corrupt but British politicians are less corrupt than most. They also genuinely represent their constituents and are not mere ciphers on a party list at election time. Today in Athens almost everyone is on strike, reminiscent of Callaghan's winter of discontent. But then came Mrs T.
Dr David Green, Athens, Greece