Matthew Parris
2 for 1 tickets to Singin' In The Rain, this coming Monday. Book now
When the BBC started mispronouncing the surname of Morgan Tsvangirai as Changirai, I didn't pipe up because I thought the poor man would soon be snuffed out anyway. But the leader of the opposition party in Zimbabwe is now going to matter, so let's get his name right. I was raised there, and though at school I struggled with the grammar of the Bantu languages of Southern Africa, they are not (except those with clicks) especially hard to pronounce. The missionaries who first transcribed them simply chose the Roman letters closest to the actual sound.
The “Tsvang-” of Tsvangirai is most assuredly not pronounced “chang”. Just try saying “its vanguard” and (subtracting the initial “i”) and you will handle the letters tsvang fine. But when one person mispronounces confidently, others follow. Thus we were led astray for years by broadcasters who rhymed “cervical” with “Michael”, but at last the error seems to have been corrected. So I'm hopeful the BBC's pronunciation unit will reconsider “changirai” too. A nice lady there promises to report my view.

Reporting the arrival of a Conservative Way Forward circular personally signed by the Baroness Thatcher, I speculated last week that the former Prime Minister was - as ever - insisting on “doing something useful”. The Mrs T we used to know (I added) would have nothing to do with automated signing machines.
A response from her camp has reached me. This diary was right. Lady Thatcher signed more than a thousand letters for CWF. Now she's doing the same for the Royal Hospital Appeal. Nor has her attitude to signing-machines changed from the day her aides suggested getting a machine to sign her Christmas cards. “I told them,” (she remarked) “that would invalidate all the ones we had done in previous years. That was the end of that.”

My friend Kim can be a little absent-minded. Driven to the shops by her husband last week, she popped in to buy something, leaving him at the wheel. Then out she bustled and leapt into the passenger seat of the waiting car. It did not move. “What's all that hooting from behind us?” she asked, as the car behind flashed its lights and sounded its horn.
“Maybe it's your husband,” said the driver. “I'm not your husband. This is not your car.”

I wrote recently for The Times bewailing modern ministers' habit of passing laws just to “send out a message” about this or that - careless of whether the measures were enforced or enforceable. I mentioned proposals for a new crime of hate speech against gays. Readers afterwards reminded me I forgot to mention the “ban” on hunting.
But ministers carry on regardless. Last week came a half-baked proposal to force registered sex offenders to provide their e-mail addresses so the Government could stop them accessing internet porn sites. This got prominent billing, but it took no more than the intelligence of a gnat to respond: “How? Won't sex offenders use another address?” Questioned, ministers floundered. The point (said one) was that the new law would “send out a message”.
And now politicians queue to insist that, however little impact making cannabis a Class B drug may have on Brixton streetlife, reclassification will “send out a message” that the drug can be dangerous.
Why don't ministers give up the unequal struggle to frame workable law, and simply erect a giant noticeboard next to Big Ben, assisted by laser? Here they can send out all the messages they like.

Twice a week for the past 30-odd years I have sped by train through Long Eaton station. Millions have. You would hardly notice that the line is raised above the small Derbyshire town because in a previous century somebody planted a winter garden to each side of the viaduct that carries the track. Now walls of yew trees, tall hollies and other evergreen plants form a dense and beautiful backdrop to the platforms on each side of the line.
Even in the depths of winter (especially in the depths of winter) these sudden curtains of greenery, from the near-black of the yews to the lighter shades of holly, surprise passengers whizzing by. They must make the platform wait a little more pleasant. They never fail to lift my heart.
Whoever had the idea of shrouding an unexceptional station in an exceptional winter garden will be long dead and forgotten; but the planning, planting and tending must once have been considerable. I wish they knew the large sum of small pleasures that is the harvest of their goodwill and labour.
Matthew Parris joined The Times as parliamentary sketchwriter in 1988, a role he held until 2001. He had formerly worked for the Foreign Office and been a Conservative MP from 1979-86. He has published many books on travel and politics and an autobiography, Chance Witness, for which he won the 2004 Orwell Prize. His diary appears in The Times on Thursdays, and his Opinion column on Saturdays
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Until fifty years ago I lived in the house which was screened by Matthew's trees. They were planted at a time when railways were constructed to look as attractive as possible. Matthew will not have seen the fine sandstone bridge which he crosses immediately after the trees nor the attractive castellated entrance a few miles further towards London at Trent tunnel. The house belonged once to the grandfather of brothers Richard and David Attenborough. Fame for Long Eaton at last, but the station in my day was Sawley Junction!
Brian Walton, Saltash, Cornwall
How nice of Matthew to describe my home town of Long Eaton in such glowing terms. Much appreciated. However, as a former MP for West Derbyshire, Matthew should surely have known that Long Eaton is in Derbyshire, not Nottinghamshire.
Long Eaton is one of those quirky places which has a post code linked to a city not in its own county. That may be where the confusion arose. NG (for Nottingham).
As a junior reporter on the Long Eaton Advertiser in the mid 1970s, I recall a visit by The Queen, during which she commented on the post code being Nottingham when the town was in Derbyshire.
Kevin Marriott, Long Eaton, England
I agree that "Changirai" is incorrect. However, "tsv" and "sv" in Shona are actually not pronounced quite as written. They are called "whistled fricatives" and are peculiar to that language. You'd be better off saying Tsangirai, while imagining that you are wearing ill-fitting dentures to get that whistling noise in.
Sam, London,
The Bassra pronunciation is right. There are two letters in Arabic that approximate to our 's'. The one in Basra is a longer sound with more emphasis on it, like the S in Saddam, but unike the shorter S in Saudi.
Huw Edwarrds and the Beeb are not guilty on that point.
Seb, Santiago, Chile
Matthew Parris, writing about the pronunciation of Tsvangirai, brings me onto the mispronunciation that sets my teeth on edge more than any other.
You'd think everyone would be able to pronounce Auschwitz. Albeit that it's a German name, it's one that we hear often enough for its correct pronunciation to be known. 'Owshvits' or 'Owshwits' in the context of an English sentence are both pretty close and what one usually hears.
And yet there two people - a prominent boadcaster and a not-so-prominent politician - who both mangle the word completely, pronouncing it as 'Owswitch'.
I suppose in the great scheme of things this is a trivial matter but the status of this pair - the one a radio and TV presenter with impeccable received pronunciation and the other an MP with a keen interest in and strong connections with Europe - makes one genuinely surprised they have such tin ears.
Wanda, London, uk
There used to be a saying: "engage brain before opening mouth." I suggest this pathetic group of politicians now in government have this posted on the walls of their offices. That may send out a message to them .
E Saunders, London, England
That was my first thought re sex offenders and emails. But presumably it is intended to be a criminal offence for sex offenders to have/use email addresses other than those provided to the Government. That would at least allow them to be prosecuted/imprisoned for mere fact of going on line, without having to prove a predatory/grooming offence. That is something, isn't it? And what else reasonably can be done?
Tom, London,
I hate the way everyone on the BBC runs around saying "Bassra" instead of Basra because that's the way Huw Edwards does it. He's Welsh and can't help it, but talk about "monkey see monkey do".
Ken Leyland, Liverpool, U.K.
Long Eaton's in Derbyshire!
Mike Wise, Swindon, UK
Zimbabwe
I cannot believe the world is still sitting back and allowing Mugabe to destroy a country and everyone in it. Oh I forgot - silly me a menopausal woman whose brain may not be as it once was - there is no oil there for America.
Diane Ashman, Stourton, Stourbridge, England
As a footnote to Matthew Parris's comments about this government's habit of passing unworkable laws just to "send a message", I'm reminded of the - probably apocryphal - story about the redoubtable Samuel Goldwyn being told by a pretentious writer that he wanted to make a movie with a message for the masses. "If you want to send a message, call Western Union," the movie mogul replied.
John Symes, Wimbledon,
Rediculous? Medial? Ballet box?
Oh dear. The falling standard of written English.
Andrew Lowe Watson, Ridlington, Norfolk
And why is Wagner always 'Richard', whereas his compatriot Strauss is invariably 'Ree-kard?'
Andrew Lowe Watson, Ridlington, Norfolk
I think there are actually 2 ways to pronounce 'cervical' correctly. When used to refer to the part of the spine which consists of the neck vertebrae (the part above the thoracic section of the spine), the stress is on the second syllable but when used to refer to the neck of the uterus, the stress is on the first syllable.
steve, preston, uk
Interesting !!!
When I got a petition signed against Mugabe in 2003 locally [STAFFS] I remember a reporter saying to me - "and who is Morgan Ts.............?" She couldn't pronounce his name even and didn't really know what was happening in ZIMBABWE.
Ian Payne, WALSALL,
The BBC's habit of mispronouncing foreign names is puzzling. Another example is that of Argentinian pianist Martha Argerich. Radio 3 presenters to a man pronounce the 'ch' as if she were German, rather than the Spanish (and, as it happens, English) way.
Andrew, London,
The BBC won't change the pronunciation of Tsvangirai. Newsreaders and reporters are terrified of their ignorance showing through, so they'll continue with the incorrect pronunciation so long as their colleagues do.
To this day, the late unlamented Genreal Pinochet continues to have his name pronounced as if he was French (Peeno-shay) rather than Chilean (Pinno-CHET).
Greg Hoover, Nairobi, Kenya
Speaking of mispronunciations, please could everyone - broadcaster or not - not that Bejing is pronounced with a 'j' sound, as in jogging, not a 'zh' sound, as in pleasure. The latter doesn't exist in Mandarin. Saying Beizhing is like saying Lindin or Terkyer. (Only if you are from Hull is that acceptable.)
Nigel Doran , London,
Wonderful collage of cornucopia from your commonplace book, Sir.
While you are at it, can you instruct the pronunciation department to stop this rediculous soft t in words like title and hospital, to tell the man outside the Shannon Matthews House to make his diction less gloomy, and to educate their minions in the difference between bought and brought.
Harrumph.
David Williams, Eastnor, England
Hmmm, the pronunciation of medial words ending in "ical" seems largely to depend on where you studied medicine.
As a student of Russian, I think I'd dispute that Anglo-Saxons can handle clusters of consonants well, unless they've been learning them from early in life! But I've been straining my ears every time a black African has been interviewed on TV< to try and establish what sound it is that "tsva" is meant to transcribe, and every time it sounds to me like "cha" or "che" Is it a case of the BBC slavishly following a thick local accent?
Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK
My jaw dropped with Matthews when I heard that convivted offenders would be prevented from accessing unsiutable internet sites by handing over their e-mail address.I actually laughed out loud and turned up the volume on my TV to hear the rest of the story.There was no more.
What upset me more than than the utter stupidity of the new "law"was this shabby ( they must understand something of the medium, surely) attmpt to convince the public that something is being "done", and the straight faced co-operation of the BBC 6 o'clock news reporting without editorial balance,eg.an interview or piece from someone to comment on the amazing control that could be brought to bear on this vexed issue.
How many people, not internet savy, took what was said at face value.? Hundreds of thousands,millions could have breathed a sigh of relief.
The ghost of Blair ( spinning in his retirement ) still attendends
the desperate con-men that await their fate at the ballet box.
robert everitt, wolverhampton,