Marriage inevitably involves sacrifices. I can no longer tell a lie when
asked: “Who’s that woman on the phone?” And I can no longer tell the truth
when asked: “I hope you don’t mind me buying them in all five colours, but
Pascal said he won’t get any more new in my size this year.” Some sacrifices
I have long ago stopped resenting, if indeed I ever did.
Knowing that I will now never be able to hit on Jodie Marsh is something I can
live with, as, I suspect, can she. Acknowledging that the days are long gone
when I could with a clear conscience buy a two-seater convertible Mazda,
visit Boujis, arrange a pool session on the spur of the moment, invest in
any item of leather clothing, wear the same underwear two days running or
head off for a boys’ angling holiday in Iceland at a moment’s notice is made
easier by knowing that I have never entertained the slightest desire to do
any of the above.
But however docile, house-trained, meek and generally weedy you are, there are
still some things even the most mild-mannered man will revolt at when
confronted with the demands of married life. And with me it’s the curtains.
Actually not just the curtains. I don’t want you thinking I’m too reasonable
and it’s only how you line windows that turns me into a heartless and
insensitive brute.
Curtains are the worst of it, certainly, but my unreasonable behaviour (as in
grounds-for-divorce unreasonable behaviour) also extends to all furnishings,
soft and hard. Whether it’s cushions, beds, dining chairs, sofas or hall
tables, I’m afraid my attitude is the same: you’re on your own, baby.
Marriage is about togetherness. Whether it’s sharing that special moment with
your first child – when the nappies run out on the autostrada and you’re
faced with how to explain the H-block-style redesign of the hire car to the
nice man from Messina – or discovering that you both laugh at the same
moment in Kramer vs Kramer (it is a comedy, right?).
It’s in the very nature of the married state (one flesh and all the rest of
it) that you’re supposed to share things. You grow closer, cement your
relationship, indeed, by shouldering life’s burdens together.
And, of course, I buy all that. But there are limits. Some things a man should
never be required to do, however much it means to his partner. And I draw
the line at the ground floor of Peter Jones.
Of all the subjects I find dull, furnishing and decor is there at the top. It
doesn’t just bore me into a state of quiescent narcolepsy in the way that,
say, flower arranging or county cricket does. I find the whole question of
how a room should be designed so spirit-crushingly, brain-shrivellingly,
soul-curdlingly dull that I would do anything, anything, rather than be
drawn into a conversation about which sofa is nicest. My idea of the purest
Hell, the seventh circle of the Inferno, the hottest depth of Tartarus, is
to be trapped in a branch of Habitat with only the staff of Osborne &
Little for company and the sole reading matter on the (inevitably tastefully
designed) coffee table being World of Interiors.
So when my wife tries bravely to engage me in conversation about what we
should do with that rather shabby chest of drawers in the front room I react
much as Winston Smith might have done to an invitation to the premiere of Ratatouille.
My Room 101 is filled with 101 conversations about how we fill rooms. And
thus when my long-suffer-ing missus asks me what colour I’d like the dining
room painted, or whether we should have built-in wardrobes in the second
bedroom, I do the conversational equivalent of rolling into a tight,
hedgehog ball. I visibly bristle and go on the defensive.
I try to tell my wife that she has much better taste than me (true), that
every one compliments her on how our home looks already (true), that it is
solely due to her (true) and that asking my opinion about how we improve the
colour in the dining room is a bit like asking Wayne Rooney what he’d like
to add to The Critique of Pure Reason. The result might be
interesting but it’s unlikely to be an enhancement.
I think I’m paying her a compliment. I know that I’m acting honestly in the
best interests of our shared environment, and shared bank account, by
offering no opinion on any furnishing question. It is inconceivable,
scientifically and mathematically impossible, that I could ever make any
suggestion that would display better taste or shrewder judgment than my
wife’s and I believe naively that it is a proper, loving and respectful
gesture to keep absolutely shtum on any question of decor or design.
But rather than my silence being taken as the mute tribute that the awestruck
pay to the divinely talented, it’s treated as a mulish refusal to engage
with a key aspect of life. It is to no avail that I emphasise that my
opinion is offered freely on questions as diverse as the rearing of our
children and the advisability of mixing cashmere and leather (in public) and
that our precious time together would only be wasted if anyone, especially
someone as instinctively tasteful as she, were to pay the slightest
attention to any view of mine about home furnishings. But I appear to be
failing a key test of emotional intelligence. If it matters to your wife you
must, simply must, take an interest. No matter how dull the matter in
question.
And so you find me, dear reader, studying the swatches here on the ground
floor of Peter Jones, venturing that yes, the taupe is nicer. Am I a heel
for wishing that we were somewhere, anywhere, else? Or is there some small
sliver of right on my side and can husbands legitimately, conscientiously
object to having to embrace velvet swagging? Do let me know.
Bethlehem and bigotry
Eggnog lattes on sale at Starbucks? Feature-length M&S commercials?
There’s one invariable sign that Christmas is almost upon us – a story about
how Bethlehem is suffering at the hands of wicked Israel.
It has become almost as much a feature of seasonal journalism as stories about
how Nativity plays are being subverted and commentaries on how commercialism
is snuffing out the true meaning of the festival.
This year we’ve already had our first exercise in demonising Israel for its
treatment of Bethlehem with the graffiti artist Banksy enjoying extensive
coverage for his trip to decorate the security barrier near the town with
his work. The message of Banksy’s work and the coverage it has generated is
the same: oppressive Israel has snuffed the life out of the town where the
Prince of Peace was born. Herod’s spirit lives on, even as the spirit of
Christmas is struggling to survive.
The truth is very different. The parlous position of Palestinian Christians,
indeed the difficult position of most Christians across the Arab world, is a
consequence not of Israeli aggression but of growing Islamist influence.
Israel goes out of its way to honour sites and traditions sacred to other
faiths while the radicals who are driving Palestinian politics seek to
create an Islamist state in which other faiths, if they survive at all, do
so with the explicit subject status of dhimmis. But when it comes to
Israel’s position in these matters it’s still a case of O
little town of Bethlehem, how still we see them lie.
Gas guzzler
I’m grateful beyond words to my colleague Daniel Finkelstein for taking up the
concept of the inner era and making it a Comment Central contest. And yes, I
can see Daniel in the Kennedy White House. But I have one question for him
in his Sixties idyll. How would he have survived in a world before they had
invented Diet Coke?
I am a Palestinian Christian from Bethlehem, I have never been persecuted by my brothers Muslims not at all, it is Israel that highly targets Bethlehem and drives the Palestinian Christians out of Palestine. The conflict is not Jewish Muslims conflict it Palestinian Israeli conflict and Palestinian Christians are part of the conflict and not a third party in it. for this reason Israel is trying to prove its point by driving the Palestinian Christians out of Palestine. Well, Israel has shelled the church of the Nativity during the siege of Bethlehem where Israel destroyed all of the Infrastructure of the Bethlehem, Israel has killed right persons inside the church and totally desecrated the church. Well, some might say that the militants who went inside did shoot at the Israeli army, not true at all, the Palestinian Muslims consider the church of the Nativity as one of their holiest sites, it is Israel and all the people of Bethlehem are eye witnesses on this. Israel is racist
George , Palestinian Christian, Bethlehem-Palestine
Two comments on points made so far.
a) It is ethically unacceptable to try and balance one crime
by relating it to other crimes. Yes, there are violations of human rights in other Arab lands, but this does not absolve Israel from ITS own violations of the human rights of the Palestinians -- both of its citizens and of those living in the OCCUPIED territories. And yes, they are OCCUPIED territories under international law. "Israel gives democracy and human rights to the Middle East," wirites Michael Gove. Tell that to the Palestinian minority who are citizens of Israel. Some democracy!!! Some human rights!!!
b) As regards Israel treatment of Christian churches, it should be noted that the Israeli government refuses to recognize the duly and legally elected Greek Orthodox Patriarch of Jerusalem unless and until he confirms transfer of land ownership illegally acquired by Israel or the settlers. This is well documented. Some protection of Christianity!!!!
Dr Alexander Cudsi , Athens, Greece
'No other state in the world has or is allowed to get away with such crimes by the West'
Oh, I don't know, Riyad. What about the government of Sudan which has colluded in the deaths of millions of its Christian citizens in the last 20 years, not to mention the displacement, rape and mutilation of millions of others. How about Saudi Arabia where only Muslims may worship in contravention of the UN declaration of human rights. What about Iran where young, vulnerable girls and homosexual teenagers are executed at the whim of clerics.
Israel's Arab citizens enjoy human rights which their Arab neighbours can only dream of.
As for Israel 'ethnically cleansing' Palestinians - get real, 'Peace this Season'. Look at Iraq, or Saudi Arabia for real ethnic cleansing. Both 'Judenrein'. The truth is that the whole of Israel would be Judenrein too if Palestinian leaders had their way.
Rosemary Colls, Notts,
Riyad Tibi talks of 'Israel's crimes'. But what are these exactly? To take action, sometimes hard action in order to defend oneself from all-out wars and terrorist attacks is a right given to all nation states, and certainly not a crime. Look at the chronology: it is, for the most part, Arab and Palestinian attacks that have precipitated Israeli counter-measures. We used to take similar measures in Northern Ireland in order to suppress terrorism there. There are many other countries that try to clamp down on terrorism in order to save human life on both sides. If the Palestinians were to recognize Israel and relinquish violence for good, Israeli kindness would have few limits. Think hard: is it conceivable that, from the inception of their state, Israelis have actively wanted to bring hardship on themselves? What could be their possible motive? It doesn't add up. Israel is a positive factor in the Middle East. It gives democracy and human rights. Why can't the Arabs just admit that?
Dr. Denis MacEoin, Newcastle upon Tyne, UK
While I agree that the rise of Islamism is a negative trend in the Arab world, this should not be used as a shield for Israel's criminal practices against the Palestinian people (of either religion). It is shameful that there is such ignorance of the dreadful state of Bethlehem today in the UK - its lands stolen by the Israelis to build their illegal settlements, its tourist industry stifled by the odious separation wall, its people held as virtual prisoners. "Israel being demonised" is an interesting concept from Michael Gove. No other state in the world has or is allowed to get away with such crimes by the West, largely because of apologists such as him who chose to ignore the reality in occupied Palestine for reasons of their own.
Riyad Tibi, Marlow, UK
A long time ago in our nearly 40 years of happy marriage, I said to a friend (in my wife's hearing) who was admiring some recently refurbished part of our home, that it was entirely a reflection of my wife's talent and that she had a free hand to do as she wished. At once I felt as though I had fallen into an elephant trap with my wife looking down at me saying that she would help me out when she was convinced I was truly sorry for the "free hand" sentiment.
Now, wiser, I start by saying I can't see anything wrong with the status quo and I know that she and our two very grown up daughters will laugh and with their eyes on the ceiling agree with each other that only a man could fail to see the obvious need for renewal and that it would be much better to get on with it themselves.
I don't think my wife is taken in by this ruse - just a tactful way of each of us "doing what comes naturally".
Andrew Hankey, London,
I really don't understand why Michael Gove seeks to excuse Israel's actions in Bethlehem. In 2005 I stayed with a Christian family in Bethlehem close to Rachel's tomb and the then unfinished border crossing (for that in effect is what it is) nearby through the wall into Bethlehem. The tomb is virtually inaccessible to Christians and is surrounded by camouflage netting that makes it look like a gun emplacement. The crossing makes visiting Bethlehem a lengthy and at times impossible exercise hence the dramatic fall in pilgrims and visitors. The family described how Israeli shells had fallen into their garden and they had been imprisoned for days by the IDF. The wonderful Hope Flowers school in Bethlehem that promotes peace & reconciliation and dialogue between Muslims, Christians and Jews and is supported by Christian Peacemakers has a canteen block that has been under threat of demolition and the building of the wall will isolate the school further preventing Israelis from visiting.
Paul Hughes-Smith, London, UK
You have a point regarding the unfortunate fate of Palestinian Christians in the land of Christ. Islamist extremism has profoundly impacted Christian emigration. There are more of us in Honduras or Michigan than in historic Palestine. Still, let's not forget that Israel's iron-fist has been no less cruel to Palestinian Christian numbers and their shrines. In the village of Aboud, in the northern West Bank with hills that overlook the sea, the shrine to St. Barbara was destroyed by Israeli forces. You call that tolerance? I call it ethnic cleansing. From either side of the divide, Palestinian Christians are under attack and the largely Christian west is too busy shopping at the malls and too ignorent to recognize Palestinian communities are the world's link to Christian history. I say bring on the annual story about Bethlehem's plight. If Israel was a true democracy, we wouldn't have a wall to draw on or so many Islamic reactionaries.
Peace This Season , Washington, D.C.
What I would give to have a husband who wants nothing to do with furnishing and decorations. Mine actually enjoys such things and he unfortunately thinks his tase is better then his wife's. We are living in Army housing at the moment and having to move every two years so I put up with his involvement for now. Come the time we have a house of our own, things are going to change and he shall not be allowed anywhere near Peter Jones or any such building!
Victoria, Winchester, England
Michael you missed out the biggest part of the lose lose situation with soft furnishings - you are in the dog house if you dont have an opinion but the withering look you receive should you express and opinion (as your opinion is obviously stupid) is even better
Dave, Chesterfield,
Re enjoying nothing to do with decor. I say hurrah. I have witnessed in my family both sets of parents + steps the confrontations that occur when you have two people of decided but rather different taste.
Samantha, London, England
Dear Mr. Gove, as it's nearly Christmas, I shall respond slightly whimsically. I have fond memories of Peter Jones; I used to live near Sloane Square; as did my wife-to-be. PJ's, as we called it, was part of the scenery to our courting: I seem to remember buying school uniforms there too, tho' many years later! Our 'Peter Jones' now is John Lewis at Wycombe, 'only' 45 minutes away. My wife loves it; but so does my daughter, who, at 40+ and living very near to us, makes a very good substitute for me. So, just encourage your children to grow up and then you can drop out. Don't forget to praise their taste on their return - or you might get roped in next time. On the other hand, you can, of course, make such outrageous recommendations that you are dropped as a member of the House Furnishing Team as having no taste and therefore no ideas worthy of consideration. The ideas must be truly outrageous, though - or you might be confronted with them. Good luck.
Martin Rowe, Kirtlington, Oxon., England
And you DARE to be an MP? Shame, shame, SHAME on you. Resign - RUN - before your lack of megalomania has you torn limb from limb by the other scumbags who inhabit Westminster, who impose their views upon us without the slightest knowledge of what they're doing!
Noel Falconer, COUIZA, France
Well said Michael Gove on Bethlehem. It is about time the usual Israel-bashing anti-Semites in the Church and on the Left got to the truth of what the Islamists are doing to ALL minorities in the Arab and Muslim world and wake up to the anti-Israel lobbyists constant lying about Jews and Israel every Christmas and indeed every day!! I have been twice to Bethlehem in the 1970's and 80's before the intifadas and it was a rich and prosperous Christian town which welcomed Israelis and tourists from all over the world; it is no accident that the rise of the PLO regime since Oslo has coincided with Bethlehem's rapid decline, totally caused by the terrorism of the Arabs, and the understandable reaction of Israel in having to take steps to protect its citizens from attacks emanating from the town into Jersusalem and elsewhere.
Martin Sugarman, London, UK
Thank you, Mr. Gove, for some truth on Bethlehem. The fact that the Christian population in the West Bank is shrinking rapidly, but growing in Israel, speaks for itself.
The recent attacks and killings of Christian Arabs in Gaza didn't merit any headlines, since Israel could not be blamed.
The West is inadvertently colluding in this religious cleansing by its silence at Muslim Arab atrocities. Even worse, the West rewards the same Muslim Arabs with incessant funding. Is anyone surprised that they have no incentive to stop their terrorism against Christian Arabs or indeed Israelis? Terrorism has developed into a lucrative career option for them.
Lily, London,
The shameful silence of the Christian world as a whole regarding the Palestinian Arab persecution of Christians(most of whom are also Palestinians) within the areas under their control needs to be broken. The Palestinians have been driving the Christians out of Bethelehem for years now. And the Bethlehem which was sixty percent Christian forty years ago is today less than twenty- percent Christian.
The detailed researches of Justice Reid Weiner on this question are filled with stories of violence and intimidation against the Christian population. The Christians who have left are themselves often fearful to speak publicly because of fear of what might happen to their relatives left behind.
Perhaps the European Union instead of throwing money at the Palestinians should remember that they do after all have a Christian heritage and connection and make any further financial contributions to the Palestinian conditional on the ending of persecution of Christians.
Shalom Freedman, Jerusalem , Israel
On Bethlehem and Bigotry- at last, someone is talking sense about the Israel situation. (notice that i use the word Israel, NOT Palestine). Its time that the demonisation of the Israeli's was stopped. People talk about the rights of Muslim people to have their laws and beliefs respected, but many forget that it is a fundamental foundational belief in Judaism that G-d intended Israel to be a land where Jewish people can live free from persecution and worship G-d. I fear that if the Palestinians took control of the state then the minority of Muslims who hold extremist views regarding Islam would be allowed too much power, as they have in so many other countries. I realise that these Fundamentalist Muslims are in a minority, and that most Palestinians are a peaceful, respectful people, but the radical anti-semitic minority have many people afraid to challenge their views. What about more respect for Jewish beliefs?
carmen, Stoke-on-Trent, UK
I long since gave up expecting my husband to contribute ideas for ID - his comments - Oh you are going vague again - when I get into the designing mode! If he's around when I am intending to study swatches we simply agree to meet up in a nearby bookshop and he never even notices if I am hours late!
Joyce Lane, Eye, UK