Transcript One: Jeremy Paxman interviews Jesus of Nazareth

JP: So, we’re months into your campaign for the role of Messiah, and what are people saying about you? Here’s just some of the comments we’ve heard from those who’ve seen you close up: “A jumped-up carpenter’s son who thinks he’s born to rule”; “born out of wedlock, an illegal immigrant as an infant, a known associate of prostitutes, wholly incapable of leading any sort of revival in our fortunes”; and, crucially, “a man who won’t give a straight answer to a straight question”. How do you respond to these damning criticisms of your record so far?

JC: Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

JP: So you don’t deny that these criticisms have real purchase? Because we hear that the Pharisees and the Saducees, whose support you’d been counting on, are now turning against you. How can you possibly win in the country if you can’t win over your own people? Aren’t you just another of these failed here today, gone tomorrow prophets who’ve done so much harm?

JC: You have said so.

JP: And you haven’t yet produced a single fact to contradict me. Your campaign hasn’t got a prayer.

JC: That’s one thing we do have, actually. Our Father . . .

JP: Never mind all that personal stuff, dragging your family in. People have had enough of that. They want to examine your record so far. Judas Iscariot is one of your key supporters. His name is on your campaign literature. He’s been with you since the beginning. But now he says you lack the necessary zealotry to transform Judea and Samaria for the better. That’s a pretty damning criticism, isn’t it?

JC: He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.

JP: More than just a heel — it’s a body blow. You’ll need a miracle to recover now. With your supporters deserting you, and apparently even your campaign manager Peter wobbling, the real focus is now on your words. Can they be trusted? When you said recently, and I quote, “the meek shall inherit the earth”, was that a firm promise?

JC: It was a prophecy.

JP: A prophecy? But what’s your timetable for that? In your first term? As conditions allow? What if there’s a war? Or a flu pandemic? Or a plague of locusts? Won’t that wreck your plan to hand over the earth to the meek — a pledge many might say was reckless in itself given how untested the meek are.

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