We are all supposed to have been studying CCTV pictures of Diana, Princess of Wales, smiling mysteriously in a hotel lift shortly before she died, and asking ourselves, as one headline put it: “What did her smile signify?”

I have no idea what, if anything, was on her mind. But I have another question. What on earth were the authorities thinking of when they turned an inquest about a ten-year old drink-driving accident into a titillating theatrical crime drama, with “exclusive” film and swimsuit shots of a celebrity princess?

On a train last week I sat opposite a crusty bloke dressed in black, carrying photocopies of “The Global Structure of the Illuminati” and the works of David Icke (who thinks world leaders are giant lizards) in a bag labelled “I’m Not Mad”. But why should we think such conspiracy theorists mad when the State spends millions on an 832-page report by Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington, and now on a months-long courtroom spectacle headed by Lord Justice Scott Baker, both of which take seriously crackpot notions about the Princess’s death?

Neither nutters nor a grief-blinded millionaire could have kept the Diana crime drama alive for a decade without the aid of legally sane officials and media outlets. When a law lord says that the British Ambassador in Paris has assured him that “to the best of his knowledge” the security services did not murder the Princess, it gives these theories an air of legitimacy. Lord Justice Scott Baker admits to snooping around M16 documents himself, presumably looking for cover-ups, or perhaps giant lizard prints.

Q&A: the Diana inquest

Why is there an inquest and what will happen?

Multimedia

• Video: Diana CCTV footage

• Pictures: Diana inquest - the car crash

• Pictures: CCTV of Diana at the Ritz

Background

• Separating fact from fiction in the great Diana conspiracy

• ‘Diana decision is yours alone’

• Inquest hears evidence Diana was on the Pill

• Jury duty with a Royal difference

• Was Diana’s death part of a secret plot?

Related Internet Links

• Coroner's inquest - Official Site

The problem here is less a lack of certainty about events in that Paris tunnel than a lack of trust and self-confidence in the UK authorities. If they don’t believe in themselves, why should others? Of course, there are always conspiracy theories, but the powers-that-be would not always take them so seriously. After all, Congress has not set up an inquiry into whether the US Government faked the Moon landings.

Among many questions, Lord Justice Scott Baker asks whether Diana was illegally embalmed to preserve her body. The inquest seems certain to help legally embalm the Diana crime mystery, preserved forever as the mummy of all morbid melodramas.

Remember when harvest festival was about celebrating abundance, and giving food to those less fortunate? It seems some schools are turning it into another lecture about healthy eating and child obesity. I hear of one harvest assembly where children were divided into food groups – fruit and vegetables, meat and fish, milk and cheese – plus a new one on me, “fat and sugar”. These lucky ones got to sing a song that went: “Fat and sugar comes in stuff/ That usually tastes quite yummy/ But sadly if we eat too much/ We get a giant tummy.” And to think the fatheaded old Bible refers to Joseph’s brethren eating “the fat of the land” as if that was a good thing . . .

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