Married for 27 years and happy, I say it depends on a lot of things whether a good wife is an old fashioned realist!.It really depends on whether both partners have strong morals and can resist temptation. You have to share the same goals and values, your dreams have to be the same down to the colour of the walls you paint or the wall paper you choose. If you want to be a pain everything is an issue. If your husband wants to wear the pants let him and let him think that he does. It is in the art of suggestion that real power lies in the marriage. You have to be smart to over throw the macho mans ideas. At the end women can put up with everything except disloyalty.

Salma , chalfont st peter, Buckinghamshire

I believe the last time I heard the statistics, they were 50 percent of all marriages end up in divorce court. I am 38 years old, a wife of 21 years, 4 children, and one grandchild. I follow this lifestyle and I love it. I believe it's all in what you want out of life. For me it was a family first and foremost. We tried it the liberal way for the first 10 years, and then the traditional way the 2nd 10 years. The 1st 10 years was filled with affairs, drug abuse, arguments, even some hatred. The 2nd is so much better, more compassion, love, thoughtfulness and understanding. I don't understand why women leave their husbands for a career. Is it that important to stand out? The most important thing to me is to be happy and thriving. I get that from my husband. Maybe if women didn't burn the bra, men wouldn't have become weaker than traditionally and underestimated. Let men be men and not wusses. Women love confident men and thats a fact. How can he be confident when his wife makes more $.

Really Happy, Glendale,

I don't recognise this depiction of marriage at all! While it is true to say that a dual-career household with children involved is a challenge, and that it's hard to sustain a good relationship in the face of that challenge, there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that it must be women who must make sacrifices, still less that "alpha males won't stay at home": corporate slaves won't stay at home, but my alpha male was incredibly relieved to take time out, up sticks and move to a new country when I landed a job that gave us the financial freedom to do that. And I know many an alpha male who would willingly follow suit.

Marriage is about mutual support, trust and ongoing negotiation. Marrin's description is of a relationship founded on mistrust, a witheringly patronising view of men and is the foundation for mutual resentment and games-playing of the sort that leads straight to the divorce courts, to the detriment of the whole family.

Zeba, Brussels, Belgium

As a 19-year-old I find myself both frightened and bewildered by your description of married life. You make it seem like a constant power-struggle between two people who have unwittingly met, married and mated - finding themselves burdened with children and kept together only by some sort of abstract contract. As a man I would much prefer it if my (future) wife and I both had careers for the simple reason that we would have more money to spend and, if worst came to worst, I wouldn't be skinned alive in a divorce court. Human instincts draw us towards marriage because it ensures that someone will mother and take care of our children, I would have no trouble with being 'the good father' and helping around the house, not to satisfy anyone but because it needed doing.

Phil, Lancaster,

Some of the people who are responding negatively to this article seem to be suffering the 'disney' ideology. That is, they look for a happily-ever-after: they think a good marriage should come easy, and that when it doesn't that means you're with the wrong person.
Why should the woman have to keep the man motivated?
Because she is supposed to love him!
And if he loves her then he'll do all he can to keep her happy.
It's true, marriage is turning into a contract - if you do this I'll do that etc, and the whole idea of doing something out of love seems strangely unfashionable...

Meg, Pembs,

I read this artical with great interest and it struck a deep chord. I am 27, and the daughter of the generation of women who fought for the feminist cause. We were the generation who were supposed to 'have it all'. Fantastic eduaction, brilliant career, our own home, the perfect relationship with a man who works hard, comes home and shares the chores and his feelings, the choice of if and when to have a family. The reality is very different. Our choices our very limited. The stay at home wife and mother is an incredibly taboo 'career' choice. If it is still a choice at all? If we want to have a family we are generally expected to attempt to juggle the glittering career with the midnight feeds, and are positevely looked upon as a failure if we give up work. Some of us (and a suprising amount of my generation) are rebelling against 'having it all'. The traditional role of wife is increasingly appealling in a climate of divorce and burnout. A happy relationship can be 'having it all'.

Emma Kennedy, Northumberland, uk

Thank you Minette, at last somebody has the courage to say it; political correctness and feminism have wrecked our society. The French have it right; a French woman would rather be feminine than feministe. My requirements as a man are as simple as you wrote so I have cut out your article and will read it from time to time to remind myself of this as I negotiate my complex and unrewarding path through married life.

Richard, Manchester, UK

I'm sure that most people reading this article have all had recent first-hand experience with marriage. However there is one important that many fail to consider ie the generation that is about to embark on long-term relationships/ marriages. Yes I'm talking about those dreaded teenagers. Not only are they faced with contradictory ideas, to thrive for the careers or to thrive for the marriage? But they have no real experience to fall back on, because most of their parents have done it and come home complaining every night about it. Foremothers who wanted to give their daughters new hope have "screwed up" big time. I think what Minette's article is indicative of, is a new kind of synthesis philosophy that too many are afraid of, simply because it would mean that the 'Sex and the City' philosophy failed. By all means, we must have a career... but we are very much like the hare in the race. We want to win, somewhat assume we will but have no clue how to go about it.

M, London,

If more people, men and women, were willing to give up what they want for the sake of the person they love, the world would be a better place.

Gail, Crawley, UK

Interesting article. I've had a go (for 10 years) at being the husband who does the nappies, took 6 months off work to do the night shift etc, and these were very rewarding activities, it built an amazing close bond with my daughters.
What this article adresses is what I refer to as 'Cosmology'...or, the ideology of Cosmopolitan, and with the inherent beliefs that men are not to be trusted, must be 'trained', controlled, and are all too often seen a second class humans, which is at the core of feminist thoery.
In practice this has led to toady's scenario, where men are increasingly reluctant to marry, and a few short years later have their scrotal sac removed by the courts, and have the home they have worked hard to build (including the children) removed forceably from them.
Wake up girls, time to examine Cosmology, and perhaps decide its ok to grow up and become Women.
By the way, no need for the vitriol from the female contributors please, the article is worth considering...

Martin, London,

Minette's advice to wives who wish to hold onto their husbands using sex as an incentive, counsels women to use sex without passionate desire, and obligatory "polite boffing" to retain, motivate, then train men.
How far is this removed from the world's oldest profession ? Something that hypocritical British (and Yanks) have been unable to confront.
Current Neuro-Psychologists tell us that women have a gift-they only think of sex once or twice a day, whereas men think of sex once or twice an hour. And this extends much longer into the male life than the female who goes through menopause. Whence marriage ?
US naval aviators' wisdom of " if it floats, flies, or fornicates--rent it ! " appears to becoming accepted on both sides of the pond. The biological disparity of men's sexual needs, together with the disproportiante decline in sexuality of males versus females ,as longevity increases, represents a challenge for Anglo societies that Latins & Muslims have culturally tackled.

will knight, orange county, california usa

The good wife certainly does have to come to grips with reality. The reality that feminism is a sham and has simply replaced one vice with another. The fact that one miserable, misguided group of individuals has have bamboozled generations into believing a wholly flawed method of thinking. The idea of feminism is endearing; equal rights for women, but like a used car thats polished on the outside, women soon find out that the sleek exterior hides the broken, unsatisfying scheme that is the real intent of feminism. Sadly, once all come to realize this reality, most attempt a mad dash to attain what it is they truly wanted in the first place. Failing this, the last resort is to further entrench, constantly reassuring ones self that the choice they feel is wrong is in fact right, thereby providing some protection against the reality. Based upon the pessimistic tone of the article, I am left to wonder if the author has experienced disappointment in some aspect of her own marriage.

T, Brampton, Otario, Canada

Any marriage based on an uneven balance, such as you are suggesting, is doomed to failure. No one, man or woman, should be a doormat to another person (and that includes the children).

Most of us find a balance in our relationship, enjoying each other's strengths, and compensating for each other's weaknesses.

Saying that, it is better that men and women end up alone rather than stuck in marriages that belong in the past. And that is where the marriage you suggest, Ms Marin, well and truly belongs.

Maz, North, England

Thanks Minette, for reminding me, that in any relationship, the only important person in it is the husband.

By the way, why are you writing this article anyway? Shouldn't you be busy cleaning the house or something?

Karen Kraft, Santa Cruz, CA, USA

I'm surprised that she wrote this article - I thought she was supposed to be doing her husband's dishes?... Why is it that a woman must always focus on keeping the man happy, or "motivated" as the author writes, instead of putting our own happiness first? And what is this stress about a woman trying to keep a man? If the situation that a woman and man have together isn't right, and is irrepairable, than each will find a new path in life that will suit them better - no point in groveling for a man's affection... It is true that men can't or don't want to let go of their machismo, but it is sad that the author allows this to be an acceptable excuse for why women should give up their life's dreams... The author is obviously looking to be deemed progressive by her wannabe intellectual posse - otherwise she wouldn't think to stray from the truth that women's issues and feminist causes are so pressing that an examination of these things instead would be more helpful and relevant.

Erin, Toronto,

When I get married one day, if I am so lucky, I would like unlimited, enthusiastic sex, constant reassurance, good food and plenty of freedom. Just like Minette has said.

Oh, one other thing. I could never marry a woman who thinks there is something wrong or inferior about me just because I'm male.

Walter, York, N. Yorks

Your write up is indeed tricky, Tricky in the sense if you read with one view point that in this age of alpha mummy, fashonista female , a socialite frat, Page-3 wife , a celeb wife and all such jargonese, marriage as an institution is turning very fragile . The term husband and wife should be replaced with life partners, as the roles are getting reversed. Wife, or the female life partner is shouldering the burden of the family as the sole bread earner...frankly in this rattling age, we need much more than bread, butter and marmalade to survive . She becomes the comfort provider, and her hussy, a metrosexual male takes up the role of a nappy changer, dish washing and all et el. The sense of suffragist and feminism is bursting beyond the seams. Amusingly so, look through the hard facts of life in a simpler and naive societies, woman is still a homemaker , the ol' mama of our times , feeding the kids, caring for her family ,playing a plivotal role,the sense of domesticity prevailing.

Sanjeev Dheer, New Delhi, India

Yes Minette, the male commitment to marriage has become very complicated. When I was a young lad about town in the sixties, the woman I and most of my mates wanted to marry was ideally blonde, with big knockers and a father who owned a brewery. Unfortunately I missed out on all three.

B.C., Hong Kong, China

Oh please. What came first, the desire to make everything relationship into a contract, or the current state of affairs, where if you are the best, then you deserve the best - as decided by the media. Are you really saying that a man who is allowed to earn more, age more gracefully, ignore the children and 'find himself' repeatedly, is going to be satisfied with conjugal relations performed out of duty?

If you are trying to find out how to keep marriages together, this is rather simplistic.

severin, London,

Amusing but true. It seems marriages here are an employment contract with court adjudicated redundancy packages - a sort of industrial tribunal. Too often you get the feeling as a man in Britain today that it is a personal service contract the man is entering and he has nothing but obligations coupled with contempt and derision from the political-media elites.

It is hard to see why any man would want to marry today. Too many women live in a fantasy world and it is pointless getting involved. Life gets to be so stressed that carrying a partner like David Copperfield's wife Dora, or having a marriage like the office of competing egos is simply impossible.

We are fed a diet of propaganda by the media which uses people as disposable fodder to project illusions. Real lives end up broken and dishevelled. We never know what personality disorder lies below the surface - narcissism, BPD, sociopathy....we are wholly unprepared for the mix of weirdness that sucks us in to some situations.

Observer, Oxford, England

Amusing but true. It seems marriages here are an employment contract with court adjudicated redundancy packages - a sort of industrial tribunal. Too often you get the feeling as a man in Britain today that it is a personal service contract the man is entering and he has nothing but obligations coupled with contempt and derision from the political-media elites.

It is hard to see why any man would want to marry today. Too many women live in a fantasy world and it is pointless getting involved. Life gets to be so stressed that carrying a partner like David Copperfield's wife Dora, or having a marriage like the office of competing egos is simply impossible.

Observer, Oxford, England

Women may not realise it too, but men also like feminsim because they can shirk their responsibilites as being a provider, a protector, and a leader, etc. They like it because women are easier sexual targets, with no real strings attached. Feminsim helped more effiminate, and lose their abilities to be the strong leaders we saw a generation or two ago.

Ryan, Irvine, Ca

I've been married 5 years, i don't have sex when I don't want to, similarly neither does my husband, i strive for my goals, he strives for his, we sacrifice together for each other. Its not perfect, its hard work. If i sacrificed everything I was to say 'yes dear' all the time and look pretty when i've had a hard day too; if i stopped thinking about what would make me fulfilled and didn't ask for his support in those things my husband would know I was being dishonest and our relationship would be ruined.
relationships take sacrifice -neither women or men can be in a relationship and only be out for themselves.
a good wife is an honest wife
a good husband is an honest husband
the problems of who does what get worked out between you both.
maybe we need to look at what both sides of a marraige need to make one work -why is it always the womens choice that is judged?

Charlotte, London, UK

Eleven years married tomorrow and it's been worth it. We've had a few tough years just after our daughter was born. We've both done the stay-at-home thing and have come to some conclusions about how best to juggle work and play. We've made choices about lifestyle that ensure we don't have to both work to pay off our mortgage. Sure it's less than some people have, but so what?
Considered chucking it all away a couple of years back when it seemed like it was getting too much - ecstatic we didn't. Oh - and the sex is fantastic, better than it was eleven years ago.

Steve, Sheffield,

"feminism forgot.. that marriage is more in women’s interests than in men’s."

Actually marriage is more in childrens' interests than women's. She suffers a shorter life expectancy than her single sisters whilst he enjoys a greater one. Men must learn to pull their own weight or they will find no women willing to marry them, let alone have their children.

Yvonne, Manchester, England

"marriage is more in women’s interests than in men’s." How do you figure? Stats show that unmarried women live longer than married and that married men live longer than unmarried. So what’s the benefit of disregarding your self-esteem and free will and becoming a cleaning-lady-meets-sexual-resource again?

Joan G., Norfolk, VA

Well, I am unmarried and don't feel the need to cos i think it is a raw deal for me. Kit from Allover's attitude sums it up for me.... Marriage in this day and age is a waste of time, except maybe the grossly expensive party and opportunity to have friends and family around

td, london,

No marriage that survives because a woman has pushed aside her self-respect, her desires, and her opinions can survive much longer. Furthermore, Minette rejects the doctrine of feminism while oddly retaining the patronizing, disrespectful attitude towards men that people often associate with feminism. Believing that husbands want little more than "unlimited, enthusiastic sex, constant reassurance, good food and plenty of freedom" underestimates the complexity of individual men, and stating that they can be "trained" to be helpful reduces them to little more than animals. A good marriage is based on the quality of the companionship, something that can only be rich and fulfilling if both partners personalities and desires are at least stated, if they cannot be fulfilled. Asking that women, as this article ultimately does, be quiet, have sex, and raise a family for the sake of their marriages is not a novel solution, but will simply knock us back to the repressive marriages of the past.

Angie Page, Houston, Tx

As a women, I feel that Feminism has carried itself too far. It is neutering our men and causing our boys to feel inadequate. It has caused women to have to do "double duty". What I mean is ths - Now I "have" work outside of the home, raise my son, and take care of the home as well. There are enough things that I had to do before feminism and instead they have caused me to have to work and be apart of "their" view on women. I do not want "Their world" I liked being a mother and care giver. Example. A women is "praised" if she works in child care (Others children) but the mother who decides to stay home and raise her own childen and maybe even homeschool is looked down upon!" So, Feminism has put Price on our heads and only allows for gratification through money. I would rather watch my child grow up and see their accomplishments and train my child with my beliefs, religion and character then anothers view of what my child should learn.
Sorry, but you can keep your Feminism.

ML, AH, NJ

An absolutely brilliant piece from what has to be a wise and brilliant mind. To be sure, women have suffered down through the ages and corrections needed to be made but this is just ridiculous! All we have to do is look all around us to see that overall, feminism is ruining our culture here in America and is threatening to ruin the world. I know it sounds extreme but all of the bad stuff is up, not down; divorce, juvenile delinquency, crime, stds., woman and wife abuse, women being set on fire, women being chopped into pieces, etc., etc., etc. I'm not making this stuff up either, I watch these things on the news everyday just like you. In fact, I could have been on the news myself once upon a time. I lost my wife, my children, my job and my mind because of the poison of feminism that permeates every aspect of American culture. Feminism has only been a benefit to men who are rich and who aren't endeavoring to live moral lives. I lost everything to feminism but my masculinity--thank God.

Yatta, Inkster, U.S.A/Mich.

While the general thrust of the argument is correct, in my experience dependancy is the breeding ground for resentment, and in our social circle successful marriage seems to be based on both partners having independent career s. Marriage is about compromise and sharing childcare duties is part of that negotiation.

Arnold Ward, Weybridge, Surrey, UK

Presumably this will lead to a new debate on the virtues of marriage, staying married and the long term benefits of stayiny married. Marriage means two people of oppossite sex making decisions; staying married means both parties compromising and the female realising the meaning of the age old saying that a man builds the house while the woman builds the home. Overall, the long term benefits of staying married remains; well brought up children who grow up to become responsible adults and who also strive to saty married. The concept of feminism has to recognise the role of women in society without necessarily sacrificing their career. The key point here is that society as a whole benefits from women deciding to, working towards and staying married.

ose okpeku, cardiff, wales

No matter how happy your marriage full of enthusiaiastic sex may be, it goes down the drain if the children are neglected and grow up to be disturbed and socially unfit to integrate into society. Children don't bring themselves up( they are too small todo it for themselves in any case) but need to be nurtured which in itself takes time and effort. Nothing can alleviate the pain of seeing one's child gone astray and the happiest marriage soon disintegrates thereafter.
As with everything in life ,there needs to be a balance in which there is a constant adaption to the situation at hand, taking turns in household duties and making life in general comfortable for all in the family as a whole. Otherwise one ends up with a happy husband, disgruntled wife who, like the Japanese women ,will divorce her man as soon as he retires.

Malti Mathur, Oakville, Canada

Minette Marrin quotes "Husbands are mostly quite simple. Generally, what they want is unlimited, enthusiastic sex, constant reassurance, good food and plenty of freedom, of at least three of these four."

Therein lies the utter failure of her argument. I'm a male of the thinking type - put simply I don't want to be a husband - I don't need to be nor want to get married. Marrin's fundamental and crucial error is the foolish assumption that all relationships are founded on marriage. Mine isn't, and works very nicely. I (and partner) prefer to, and will, keep it that way.

Joseph White, Shepshed, nr LOUGHBORO', LEICS, UK

Too many women put their children before their husbands,but ask youself,who came first? Your husband or the children?

Jackie L, Eure et Loir, France

Yes, you could say I acted in accordance with Minette's prescription and we've had a happy 21 year marriage. But now, about to turn 50, I realise that my youth has gone and if I am to regain any sense of self-respect, I'm going to have to start striking out on my own. No, not divorce, perhaps just new rules.

Alice, Moscow,

I definitely didn't have the same views prior to having children but since becoming a mother I totally agree with what's written in the article. My husband and I decided it was best for our family for me to stay at home for our children's formative years and I class myself as extremely fortunate to be able to do this. Children grow up so quickly and there is no way I want to look back and regret missing out on their lives before starting school. I also hate the idea of my children spending more time with carers than their parents. Granted, there are days when I feel nothing more than a servant (and just for the record, my husband is fantastic) but I'm happy to do more than my fair share of domestic duties so my husband can spend quality time with our children during his precious time off. Only yesterday I watched as my husband played with our 2 year old son in the park while I sat on a blanket with our 5 month old and thought I was the luckiest woman in the world.

Fiona McKenna, Perth, Australia

Women may not realise it too, but men also like feminsim because they can shirk their responsibilites as being a provider, a protector, and a leader, etc. They like it because women are easier sexual targets, with no real strings attached. Feminsim shaped and influenced men to become more effiminate, and lose their abilities to be the strong leaders we saw a generation or two ago.

Ryan, Irvine, Ca

No, no, no, girls. Get a good education and a well-paid job. Buy your own place and invest your earnings wisely. When you want a man, invite him back or go back to his place. When you are tired of him, politely show him the door. He, his mum or his cleaner can pick up after him, not an successful woman like you! Anyone who thinks feminism is bad for women isn't old enough to remember what it was like before. Clingy dependency does not engender respect, even the nicest man will respond to a door-mat by wiping his feet on it.

PS, when you employ a cleaner, employ a male one. I've had several hard-working ones.

Kit , Allover,

Too little too late, I'm afraid. There is now a whole generation of guys waking up to the sheer unadulterated greed, bigotry and downright obnoxiousness of far too great a percentage of women, a large number of whom cannot even see themselves for the repulsive creatures they have become. When not out spending other peoples' money, they are reading/watching, patronising drivel that tells them how oppressed they are and how they're 'worth it', though of course to whom is never asked. Everyone is 'worth it' to themselves.

Few older men I talk to are happy in their marriages. Many regret marrying but know they will be raped if they try to get out. There is not a day that goes by, not one, in which I do not give thanks that I am not married myself. The only men who do marry are those who don't know the law and how biased is its interpretation in our corrupt family courts, or those who have no present and no prospects or who have already been robbed of such by those said same courts.

Mark, London,

Gordon Brown isn't a natural people person, but when he goes round his constituency he's worked out that it is best to ask men about football and women about their careers. That tells us something. Women just don't have the intellectual capacity to see that companies, by and large, are taking them for a ride. The career replaces the husband as a source of self-identity, and for what? In one case I know, two hundred pounds a month after childcare.

Malcolm McLean, Bradford, UK