There is nothing quite so enjoyable in public life as seeing the biter bit,
especially when the biter is such an unpleasant, cold-eyed, sharp-toothed,
grinning crocodile of a hypocrite as Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York.
However, schadenfreude is often tainted with the hypocrisy it sneers at, and
I think there has been a lot of hypocrisy in the public response to this
delightful scandal, on both sides of the Atlantic.
Countless people have said in print, on air or in blogs that they cannot begin
to understand why Eliot Spitzer would want to visit a prostitute. One
well-known American commentator expressed the standard view when she said
she was mystified, as Spitzer appears to have no “sexual problems”. His wife
of 20 years is a pretty and clever woman, so what on earth is wrong with the
man? All this reminded me more than once of the notorious comments of the
judge in Jeffrey Archer’s libel case, who invited the jury to wonder why any
man would need to resort to a low-class tart in a Paddington hotel when
married to someone so frightfully fragrant as Lady Archer.
A British judge, I suppose, might just conceivably be unable to understand
that sexual desires do not always follow the most respectable paths, and
lawful fragrance is not always what a man wants. It is surprising though,
given that judges, too, occasionally err and stray. There was a law officer
a few years ago who preferred the disease-ridden streetwalkers of King’s
Cross not only to his wife, but also to the prettier, healthier girls at the
top end of the market. But most people know that sex is a powerful and
anarchic drive, particularly among men. The idea that there is something
wrong with any man who wants sex with prostitutes or that there must be
something intolerable about his marriage, is just infantile. There is no
mystery about why normal men go to prostitutes.
If you look at the question without the blinkers of morality, it must first of
all be obvious that prostitutes vary. Many of them, like the 22-year-old who
serviced Eliot Spitzer, are gorgeous. The poor abused young addicts of the
streets are as different from high-class hookers as the average wife is
different from Marilyn Monroe. Many prostitutes are extremely attractive;
I’ve met quite a few and they are good company as well. They make their
money by being charming, entertaining and flattering, unlike her indoors.
Quite a few are well educated. There is nothing abnormal or disgusting about
desiring such a girl, adulterous though it might be.
I lived in my early twenties in Hong Kong for five years, and was at first
rather shocked when business colleagues of my husband’s, visiting from
London, asked almost as soon as they got off the plane for directions to the
red-light district. Soon I realised that almost every one of our many
visitors, happily married or not, was determined to find a hooker. These
were normal, youngish, attractive men, many of them devoted to their
families. The Far East, like London today, was awash with beautiful and
clever girls for hire; in most of the world, for most of history, that has
been normal.
Right up and down the scale, a man can rent a girl a great deal better and
more cooperative than the woman he lives with. She will be probably be much
more sexually experienced and more accomplished than most wives too. In
plain English, or so I am told by perfectly nice men, prostitutes tend to be
better at it. They tend to be younger and more energetic. They are also
prepared to do things which her indoors might draw the line at. Some
prostitutes provide tender loving care, too; the famous madam Cynthia Payne
provided her suburban clients with comfort food after the act in the form of
poached eggs on toast.
The other awkward fact, which most people must know, but somehow prefer to
ignore, is that men often prefer sex without a relationship. Perhaps that is
wrong of them, but one must concede that relationships can be wearing,
particularly marriage, and sometimes a man just wants time out, and sex
without strings is clearly a source of great pleasure, at least for men. If
you were an evolutionary biologist you might argue that unfettered sex is
entirely natural to men. One might at least agree that hogamous higamous,
man seems to be a bit polygamous.
If so, prostitutes have an invaluable function - meeting such inconvenient
needs without undermining the institutions of marriage and family. In my
view a man - even a man like Eliot Spitzer - may be doing a far better thing
in using prostitutes than in having torrid affairs with his wife’s best
friends. It is far less threatening to the marriage - so it’s odd that
people reserve their strongest disapproval for sex without strings.
Besides, we can know nothing of the mysteries of other people’s marriages,
many of which survive long beyond sexual interest. Mr and Mrs Spitzer may
have reached an accommodation that suited them. Some Hong Kong wives used to
talk of a pink ticket - a sort of carte blanche with a blush: whatever their
husbands got up to, or down to, in Manila or Jakarta, or even in the shadier
corners of Hong Kong, didn’t count. A few said they were glad “to have the
heat taken off”.
In any case, whatever Mrs Spitzer’s accommodation, I find it shocking that so
many people despise her for not abandoning her ghastly husband at once. What
she is probably doing is standing by her marriage, which unfortunately
involves standing by her errant man as well. And in doing that, in facing
the press during her husband’s vainglorious apologies, she may be doing a
far better thing than a woman who puts her pride before her family. Perhaps
she is also riddled with ambition, like Hillary Clinton, who stood by her
philanderer. Perhaps she loves her husband, perhaps she thinks him worth
forgiving for her children’s sake. Who knows?
Given the enormous difficulty of combining sex and love within marriage, it is
simply hypocritical to accuse either of the Spitzers of abnormal behaviour
in the conduct of their marriage. His hypocrisy in persecuting other poor
sinners is a separate matter: for that we can still enjoy despising him,
can’t we?
Don't kid yourselves men.
I found out and our relationship is ruined. How could I ever forget?
I am a very attractive young woman who enjoys sex and intimacy.
When I wanted sex and he did not I did not go to a prostitute. So why excuse him?
Jo, Ashby, England
Thanks for that. I was having reservations about my 1st appointment next week with an escort but now all my moral doubts are assuaged. Really - thanks. I just hope I don't feel too guilty afterwards.
Peter, Brighton, UK / Sussex
Let's say I love my wife deeply, very very deeply and we have been together for 20 years. Let's say our sex life is non-existent and one of us really does not care for sex anymore and the other would dearly love to have intimate sexual contact. Let's say they have not had sex for the last FIVE YEARS. Are you saying I should swallow my sex drive - or "sublimate" it - and get on with life? No! I've had enough. I want sex and I'm going to pay a lot of money for it. If you really care about people not being exploited then chuck all your electronic goods out on the street and don't buy anything made in China or India.
Peter, Brighton, UK / Sussex
The reactions to the issue of prostiution raised by Minette Marin, throw light on the great confusion of thought and morals in our society. It is an important pressure valve for the small percentage of the male population who are highly sexed. Its use is likely to increase in the UK because British Law has abolished all sexual rights for husbands in marriage, and so some wives may not feel any legal obligation to provide for a husbands needs. In the USA many States have defended and reinstated husbands conjugal rights with proper safeguards against their abuse. The Australian solution should be applied and brothels licensed to protect sex workers health and safety but prostituton should never be promoted or encouraged. It is a necessary evil which cannot be extinguished. Women seeking sexual release of an impersonal kind have, if the massive sales of vibrators are taken into account little need to visit male prostitutes.
john rhys, Bristol, United Kingdom
I'm sure my husband would be just thrilled if I were to engage in emotionally satisfying affairs with other men, while knowing my loyal, staid man at home is relieved of all that pressure to meet my needs and desires.
Anni Hunter, Ann Arbor, MI USA
Really enjoyed reading this - thanks.
Tara, London,
Plainly spoken, well-written, and insightful. So insightful, as a matter of fact, that I thought that it was being written by one of the perpetrators...
J, Phelan, CA
"Given the enormous difficulty of combining sex and love within marriage" were words in this article that stood out for me. Couples seem to have lost the will and know-how to do just that - combine sex and love within marriage. Why? It's the whole combination process that leads couples to better understanding each other. When you must examine each other’s needs it forces you to work things out. And life used to be much bigger than sex and more sex. Grow up people. The sex industry has marketed intimacy for profit. Grow up, people! Also, as for the prostitute theory, think how insulted and hurt your child would be if you hired a kid for a few hours to attend the family picnic because you thought your kid didn't measure up? What makes you think paying complete strangers to supplement marriage relationships is healthy? People work hard to meet the challenges of their health and jobs - why not the challenges of love, sex and marriage?
Janet Gritter, Fenwick, Canada
Great article, indeed. Thank you for the brilliant insight.
Joao, Figueira da Foz, Portugal
'She will be probably be much more sexually experienced and more accomplished than most wives too.' It's now the woman's fault if she's not sexually experienced enough because he deliberately chose to date only sexually inexperienced women to make himself feel like a stud? Sorry, cowboy, you've got nobody to blame if you say you 'prefer virgins' or 'wouldn't marry an easy girl' and then feel sorry for yourself that your virgin didn't magically transform into a prostitute in the boudoir.
'a man can rent a girl a great deal better and more cooperative than the woman he lives with...They are also prepared to do things which her indoors might draw the line at.'
Basically, unless a woman agrees to do anything a man says, she's not worth sleeping with? Prostitutes need the money, and will not be in a position to refuse something demanded of them, so some men visit them because they are easier to coerce into having sex the man's wife would find unenjoyable, degrading or painful.
Anne, London,
Congratulations for this mostly realistic piece, which avoids Sunday moralizing. Re. men & sex, you're right on target. The piece was marred though by your opening line. Eliot Spitzer is a hypocrite regarding his use of hookers versus his prosecution of them earlier in his career, but otherwise his public service is outstanding--no one other than Wall Street fatcats faults him for going after the shady financial operators on Wall Street in the late 1990s and early 2000s. It's a shame he was forced to step down over something that had little to do with his public career (if hypocracy in its many forms is an offense the remedy for which is resignation from office, then most of our politicians would have to resign).
Jack, Nice, France
This is, quite probably, the most intelligent article I've read on this subject. Pragmatic and realistic. I wish there were more people that clever. Bravo...
Rodrigo, Geneva, Switzerland
"Given the enormous difficulty of combining sex and love within marriage" were words in this article that stood out for me. Couples seem to have lost the will and know-how to do just that - combine sex and love within marriage. Why? Often it's the whole combining process that can lead couples to better know each other. When you must explain to someone else the reason for your wants, it forces you to examine and work things out. And life used to be much bigger than having sex and lots of it until the sex industry stepped in for their love of money. Grow up, people! Also, as for the prostitute theory, think how insulted and hurt your child would be if you hired a kid for a few hours to attend the family picnic because you thought your kid didn't measure up? What makes you think paying complete strangers to supplement sex in marriage relationships is healthy? People work hard to meet the challenges of their health and jobs - why not the challenges of love, sex and marriage?
Janet Gritter, Fenwick, Canada
Ms Marrin sets her frame of reference without regard to the impacts of economics, class, gender, geography, relationship and equality. She is discussing a morality that has a value system devoid of human interest and is boiled down to impulse and action. In that extremely limited and stunted view I can see how her conclusions seem valid to her. That perspective seems filled with an emptiness and a mechanistic view of people and relationships to me. And the men who hop on the voyeuristc merry-g0-round and exclaim how they feel sooo understood by her? Oh dear, sad, sad, sad. I am glad that I don't know them.
Linder, Kent, UK
How many generalisations can you fit in a column? Poor men with their uncontrollabel sex drives and all those frigid women who are grateful to be left alone.
I don't recognise these charicatures. I have a healthy sex drive and have had plenty of boyfriends with much lower sex drives than me. Talking to female friends this is not so unusual.
I don't have a moral issue with women deciding to be prostitutes if that is a genuine choice for them. Nor do I have an issue with men who choose to use their services. I would not want to be married to one however, just as most men will admit they would hate their daughters or sisters to be one.
I do have a problem with lying, cheating and hypocrisy. Unlike Ms Marrin, not all of us can just switch off our morals.
Louise, London,
Sorry...have we all taken leave of our senses?
Where do women feature in all of this? I am sorry to remind you of this, but women like sex too…I know, shocking isn’t it? And I, for one, resent Marrin’s representation of all wives resembling dowdy, Laura Ashley-wearing house frou’s, hindering their husbands’ ‘would-be-installing-a-sex-swing-in-the-guestroom-if-you-weren’t-in-the-way’ tendencies. Sometimes, I too fancy a quickie with a D & G model, restaurant waiter or gardener, but I have the self-respect and restraint not to act upon it. I, being young and unmarried, weigh up my options, consider the possibility, but then I think of my boyfriend, and realise actually, no, I would rather hang onto him, and share my experience and my body with him, than a stranger – however delectable said stranger may be.
If penguins, swans and is it rhinos?..can mate for life, then I think humans can manage it too, and woe betide the so-called worldly voice who says otherwise...
Kate Atkins, Guildford, UK
I love David of Hertford's remark about "this enlightened 21st Century". The world is a slaughterhouse and moralistic values barely exist with the current generation flaunting their "anything goes" philosphy. With the attitude of vast number of young females, prostitutes must find it difficult to make a living in the face of so much amateur competition.
B Wylie, Bicester, England
An utterly depressing and bleak take on marriage. What happened to love, to being true to your partner? What happened to the wedding vows?
The kind of relationships the author is talking about are relationships of convenience, not of genuine love or caring. 'Pink ticket', 'taking the heat off', 'younger and more energetic in bed'- is this all matrimony has been reduced to?
Apparently, morality has died with the 20th century.
AS, DC,
John, From Hong Kong:
Saying this is a realistic piece and that reality needs to be confronted, as if to excuse prostitution, is about as ignorant as Americans saying, "Ya know, people are often still prejudiced, even racist, in our country, but it's just a reality that needs to be confronted." When something is wrong, you don't just accept it, you try to change it. Giving men or women the "pink card" to do however they please with no obligation to vows or commitments is disgustingly pathetic. It's not just an acceptable reality.
Catherine , Austin, TX
MM's article has provoked some fascinating responses. Men who can't understand why other men use prostitutes; others who clearly do understand, and share that penchant; women who fear that all prostitutes are somehow forced into it, and other women who see a positive side to the profession. In this enlightened 21st Century we still find such contradictory, and sometimes amazingly naiive attitudes to sex. Is it because we're so conditioned by the frightened, ignorant moralising that we're exposed to when growing up that we find it so difficult as adults to think clearly and sensibly about sex?
David, Hertford, UK
What a refreshing insight this article provides. The only thing I would like to add is that women hire men too - for all the same reasons then men hire women. Roll on my next trip to China!
Blue Java, Three lamps area, Macau
This is such a depressing stance, and so biased, in its outdated and frankly ridiculous assertion that it is primarily men who enjoy 'sex without strings'. Countless women, like myself, and Katie (Eugene, OR) find ourselves to be more energetic and adventurous in bed than the men we sleep with, and yet a comparatively tiny number of women worldwide will go seeking thrills or an ego massage by visiting a prostitute during their lifetime. Why is that? At the risk of echoing Ms Marrin's one-sided point of view, I have to say that I believe most women know, or feel, that sex is best when real and passionate, even if it's not in a loving or stable relationship, especially if it stems from 'that powerful and anarchic drive,' which I believe can arise in both men and women. And what is less real, and more bereft of passion, than a hired sex worker going through the motions for the benefit of a client's vanity?
Kate, London,
Men are certainly genetically programmed to be polygamous. Equally certainly, women have always employed their sexuality to obtain support from men. Consequently, prostitution will always exist, and hence needs to be legal, both to protect women and to minimise health risks. Having said that, most fathers would prefer that their daughters choose an alternative profession.
Antonio, Estepona, Spain
Best article I have read on the subject, clear, incisive and in touch with reality.
Titus, Ongar,
I do not know where she has got the idea that this is normal. It is low, extremely low. And where does her husband get those "friends" from? I am definitively much more selective when choosing acquaintance.
Margarita, Barcelona, Spain
I suspect that Mrs Spitzer and Mrs Clinton may not have been quite so keen to stand by their husbands if their husbands had not been so rich or powerful and clearly the writer of this article has never experienced the betrayal of their partner. Whether the Partner has an affair, or uses a prostitute it shows a lack of respect and affects the trust of the 'injured' party. In most cases, people don't set out to have affairs or fall in love with someone else, but to use a prostitute takes quite a lot of effort and involves 'intent'. Why do we always excuse men's misdemeanours by saying 'they can't help it'. If they were truly 'devoted to their families', they would never consider jeapordising their relationships in any way! To suggest that it is the woman's fault that men need to stray is at best naive and at worst grossly insulting to women that have experienced this phenomenen - there are two sides to every story and we should hear both before we judge any situation.
Sue Ing-Simmons, High Wycombe, UK
Wow! Thanks for setting back the fight for female equality and respect a few decades. The reason it's wrong is because porn and prostitution is disrespectful to women in general. I am so tired of hearing about how men have these sexual weaknesses. I have sexual weaknesses, too. I have a very healthy sex drive - more so than many of my boyfriends have ever had...yet, I would never think of acting on them because I was somehow too weak to control myself. The only thing I do agree with you on is that as outsiders, we can never know what two people in a marriage have agreed to or given permission for, and that we will never know about the Spitzers.
Katie, Eugene, OR
What an intelligent and thoughtful article. If only more newspaper articles could reach this standard of discussion!
Rob Evans, York, England
Minette, you should be prime minister, I can guarantee you'd get 50% of the vote :)
Ben P., Robertsbridge, East Sussex
The amount of marriages that could be saved if more wives understood this ! Lady you have an unbelievable insight into men's minds ! No matter what we feel is morally right or wrong, Men do behave like this.
R. Karim, London,
Like Minette, I too have interviewed many prostitutes, from UK backpackers, subsidising their travels to terrified Thai sex slaves, tricked into coming to Australia with promises of a lucrative waitressing job, then gang raped, their passport confiscated and put to work to 'earn their freedom'. I've met prostitutes working to fund drug habits, university studies, business set-ups and health-care for a parent in the final stages of cancer.
In Australia we have a well-regulated sex industry. In most brothels, if one prostitute has sex without a condom, the others will walk out in protest. There are regular health checks, good security... they even have their own magazine with advice on how to survive the bad times and find a career after prostitution.
Some of the men who go to them are sleazebags, others are lonely, kind gents. Some prostitutes love their work, others are seriously disturbed.
Sex is never black and white, right or wrong. Neither is prostitution.
Beverley , Sydney, Australia, NSW
As you say, we don't know the circumstances of this marriage. This has not stopped some from assuming that the governor's behaviour represents a threat to his wife. Maybe not. Maybe she dosen't like sex and has permanently refused it. Stranger things happen. You may think prostitution is immoral. But if it consists of the exchange of a defined service for an agreed fee between two willing participants then it is entirely ethical.
James , Canberra, Australia.
I couldnt have said it better myself.
Mike, Toronto, Canada
Prostitution is never a choice of the woman, but choosing to go to one is the free choice of men and prostitution is simply violence against women. The myth that a man cannot 'control his urges' is such a dangerous and invalid one and has been the excuse used for sexual violence against women for many years. The same 'reasons' are heard when 'she was drunk', or 'she had a short skirt on', or 'she was flirting with me' when a woman is raped. However, the reassuring point about this article are some of the positive comments left by men.
Lindsay, Edinburgh, Scotland
That is a very Good Article.
Something UK policy makers should take note of.
ptr leeds, leeds, uk
I read the first part of your article assuming it was written by a man...until you mentioned your husband. Oh lucky man. Your understanding of men is so complete that, if I were he, I would be the exception that proves the rule.
L A Odicean, London,
I couldn't disagree more with you Minette. When a husband goes to a prostitute it's a deliberate and planned act of deceit against his wife. Low, shameful and a nasty slap in the face.
Ken, Hemel Hempstead,
Silda's reasons for "the appearances" are her own to keep, or share. I for one, send my prayers of support for her and "it."
tradamerica, Nashville, Tennesee
Do you think it "strange" that some inquisitive IRS employees(who write it all off as being "worried that Spitzer might be being blackmailed") instead of having a talk with him over their findings, went to the great effort to ensure his downfall? I mean, the IRS, the Treasury - a branch of government. Spitzer was not of that branch. He was elected by the people. He did not steal the money; he did not betray his city or country, he did what a large number of big business and political men do, have done for thousands of years - he paid for services of a prostitute. Certainly nothing to be proud of and certainly immoral. Isn't it a bit strange that he had been so successful in exposing the corruption and fraud and deception going on in the political arena and Wall Sreet and the banking and investment crowd? And, lo and behold, this branch of government - they huffed and they puffed and they dug and they dug and they puffed his house down.
ash, Post Falls, US
A well-thought-out article. And in the case of Mr. Spitzer, let's not forget the not-inconsiderable benefits to Ms. Dupree. Unlike the usual portrayal of a call girl as a drug-addled layabout, Ms. Dupree was an ambitious young woman who used her earnings as a means to an end, to develop her true calling as a singer.
Jack Kerouwack, Los Angeles, USA
Davita from Mississippi, Spitzer's wife has a Harvard law degree and was the family breadwinner for some time. She doesn't need to be a "golddigger." But the author is correct; the only people who know what goes on in a marriage are the two people in it, and it's not for us to tell Mrs. Spitzer how she should handle this situation. The right choice for you isn't always going to be the right choice for someone else. We can condemn Spitzer for his public hypocrisy, but we're in no position to condemn his wife for her decisions because we're in no position to know why she has made them.
Lili, Chicago, USA
Oh god, enough with the boring drivel on Men and their Sex drives, women have them too you know! It's just until the 20th century they were not allowed to express or publicize it, which is maybe wy there are no brothels For women...yet.
So, men may have dirty disease-ridden, smelly prostitutes for short company but women have the upper hand. You see, we have the attention (given we are fairly decent looking and interesting) wherever we go, of men of all ages and sizes and races. we have more choice and best of all, we don't have to PAY. These men will flatter us, make us laugh and make us feel 'special' for free, so how special are we women? Very special. And many of these men can be the most gentile, soft-spoken, disease, stink and germ-free sort you've ever met who actually Want to be around women. I repeat again, For Free!
So as tradition goes, women could get married have children and their husbands wander off to the nearest backstreet, but do they know what their wives are up to?
reese, Wales, UK
Brilliant article. Much nearer to the truth than I have seen before.
A good piece about the subject
joe, london england,
I think Spitzer's wife is a gold digger, or maybe she's too embarased to walk away just now from all this.... as then all the media attention will be on her and her emotions blah blah blah
But I know for sure, her feelings must have changed since this happened, that is if she ever loved him or they had a normal marriage like the rest of us. Then again, these rich folk always seem to be more scandalous and maybe brothels among other vice is just a fact of life for the poor pathetic women who end up marrying them?
Davita, Mississippi, USA
Claire from San Francisco: nothing separates "man" (the human race) from the other animals. We are hairless apes, and our behaviour is astonishingly similar to that of other apes - once you allow for the significant differences of culture, custom, law, and self-esteem. Oh, there is one other big difference: we have an amazingly high opinion of ourselves and our "moral compass" (which, however, most of us have no trouble switching off whenever it is convenient).
Tom Welsh, Basingstoke,
I agree with Ms Marrin. I personally am married to a man who has no interest in sex with anybody, but recognise that there are men who love the danger and variety of sex with a prostitute. Why else would Hugh Grant have picked up Divine Brown by the roadside when he had Liz Hurley at home?
Angela
Angela, Devon,
All moral issues left aside, I do agree with Isabelle, Toronto, where she states that it is generally acknowledged that a (statistically unknown) number of men prefer to practice unsafe sex with prostitutes and that the ensuing threat this can pose to the health of a monogamous (married) woman is totally unacceptable..
Ray Massart, Hombeek, Belgium
A disgusting and cynical point of view. To use other human beings to protect your own way of life. And what wife would be "grateful" that her husband has been using prostitutes for any reason? And to the men who honestly believe that prostitutes "adapt to the life" well, you would like to think that wouldn't you? the reality is they despise you as you despise them. A charming exchange non?
veracity, london, UK
"If this is the case, what make men different than animals?
Claire, San Francisco,"
What makes humans different from animals? We have more developed thought processes, different anatomies - but we are all still living, breathing species living on the same planet.
Howard, Manchester,
Ms Marrin has clearly met people who are, or use, prostitutes, and their wives. I wonder how many of the more puritan contributors to this blog have done the same. As long as public attitudes are fuelled by ignorance, hypocrisy (ie saying one thing, but doing another) is inevitable.
andrew, Cirencester, uk
What about men who can’t afford “high-class-tarts†but who must use (as Miss Marrin claims) women - and young girls - who are not gorgeous, but who are cheap ?
I personally feel desperately sorry for these latter, since their lives are often in thrall to poverty, or drugs : "Of estimated 80,000 women sex workers in UK the vast majority do it because they have drug problems or families to support and have no other viable way of making money" - Emine Saner, The Guardian.
Also “2/3 of sex workers have experienced violence, including rape. Government data also reveal that at least 60 sex workers have been murdered in the past 10 years. 90% of prostitutes want to leave their activity, she said.
What about the women lured into slavery ? And children dragooned into whoredom ?
That’s enough to convince me this article is hopelessly wrong. Way out of line.
What are the implications of an erring husband bringing home a rather nasty STD to pass on to his wife ?
Ernie
Ernie Todd, Maire L'Evescault, France
Man rings prostitute from hotel.
'Do you dress up?', he asks.
'Yes darling.'
'Right, I want you to dress up in a stained flowered pinny, curlers, a lilac chiffon scarf tied round your head, pink fur carpet slippers and a fag in your mouth.'
'I've never been asked for that before.'
'Yeah. I'm homesick.'
eric campbell, harrogate, uk
Protecting their marriages the professional way...is that what Levi Bellfield and Steve Wright were doing?
Denise, The Hague,
I'm not sure I agree with your themes:
1. That men are programmed to cheat on their wives
2. That wives are programmed to dislike (or be disinterested) in sex with their husbands
3. That a majority prostitutes are wonderful, clever, beautiful and sophisticated people
I would counter that:
1. Men who aggressively search for sex usually have emotional and psycholgical problems (that can be treated professionally)
2. Women who dislike having sex with their husband usually also have some mental problems worth investigating
3. A majority of prostitutes have some very serious problems which need attention for the sake of their physical and mental health
Sex is complicated and I don't think it is fair for anyone to say that it is perfectly healthy to indulge oneself in selfish sexual behavior. I'm sure if you were Eliott Spitzer's shrink you may not think his behavior has been all that healthy.
Ray, Boston, USA
A lot of moralistic indignance about how it is not 'normal' etc. I suggest whether you agree with prostitution or not, that you bother to spend 30 seconds looking at the actual statistics before criticising a well written and admittedly provocative piece of copy. Plenty of unpleasant sides of our society may not be pleasant but that does not excuse hiding from the issue and pretending it is restricted to only a tiny proportion of men. Good article. And yes Claire, men are animals, so are women, welcome to Earth.
ash, freetown,
If you look at this question without the blinkers of morality then
it doesn't matter if there are "poor abused young addicts of the streets". Nor does it matter if even younger children are sold for sex to paedophiles! If pragmatism is the only criterion then let us have a society driven by greed, and lust.
There will always be prostitutes, but what is the human cost of servicing the "needs" of men who want sex on demand?
Who cares about the needs of girls arriving in the UK with the promise of a real job only to be sold into prostitution? If we approach life without the guidance of any moral code then we descend into the jungle. The institution of marriage and sexual fidelity is needed for society to raise children in the best environment. Our culture has thrown away the "old fashioned" Christian morality but replaced it with nothing. So should prostitution flourish? Perhaps Minette Marrin should work the streets for a few weeks and then enthuse about the benefits of prostitution.
David, Bournemouth, UK
I would like to point out, and this is often forgotten in these arguments, that women also see prostitutes. I believe the last research showed there are in excess of 10,000 male prostitutes in this country ... so with the concept of supply and demand, there is a considerable demand for women to buy sexual services too!!
Are these women animals too?
Bob, Leicestershire, UK
A few men have disagreed with this article and that is good to read. Men are not all the same, any more than women are.
I also don't believe All men desire sex with prostitutes - at least after their reckless youth has passed. But some men do, and those are the ones you shouldn't ever marry. If you find you have done so, then ditch him, and find a decent man to share your life with. The solution for a bad marriage is divorce not endurance.
Lynne, Geneva,
UK men in Hong Kong. This has nothing to do with the "normal" use of prostitutes. It is sheer curiosity - "What is it like to sleep with a Chinese woman?" - for the most part, although also enhanced these days by the amount of "Asian Babes" material available.
Can wives compete with a "professional"? Probably not, life is unfair - children, work etc take their toll. On the other hand, my wife, perhaps driven by a sense of "now, as not for much longer" is certainly not retreating into any shell herself.
Better than chasing your wife's best friends? I am a special case, my wife allows me to "service" 2 of her friends, who for certain reasons do not have partners, now and then. I do it out of interest, availability and some pity. My wife is much more satisfying though!
My wife - "maybe we all marry salaries, but at $500 a trick we're also saving husbands a hell of a lot of money!"
Sauce for the gander? Investigate Japanese women in Hawaii, or European ones in Kenya...
robert, Liverpool, UK
It's very strange to say this article is attempting to rationalise wrong and confusing as to why it should incite such strong feelings. It's a well-argued, realistic piece. We may wish things were different sometimes but reality has to be confronted.
John, Hong Kong,
I agree with Ms. Marrin. I know my own husband releases all of the kinky pressures on him when he's far away from home. When he's here, we can enjoy the other aspects of marriage, stability, our children and unhurried, relaxed normal sex. Thank God, I say, for prostitutes, male and female!
Lit 200, Palm Beach, USA
And same goes for women , too. Let's face it, we love our husbands, but by late middle age they are no longer what they were at 25 -- in looks or any other department. Younger men have a lot more energy, better bodies, and they get a buzz out of an older woman. Plus, we can experiement a bit more. Most of my friend's hubbies are doing the same old same old. Plus, a younger guy can actually see the act through to the end.
Let's be fair about this and tell the truth about both sexes!
Jen, Melbourne, Australia
The only facts this article lacks regarding the sex trade are the fact that not all sex workers are female; there are many males selling sex to both men &, increasingly, women, & women who visit female sex workers.
Additionally, for the majority of men who partake of the services the ladies under discussion have to offfer, there develops a perfectly normal relationship with the sex worker (as evidenced in research by both Sanders & Kinnell), with the emotional aspects taking equal, if not greater, importance than the sexual.
Finally, sex workers are not a major source of STI's, in the UK, or the USA. All eveidence, from GUM clinics show that safe sex practices are near universal; this relates to the indoor market which contitutes approximately 85 - 90% of the industry.
Otherwise, an excellent & impartial piece.
Glen Parry, Manchester,
A good realistic article and well written too.
This is a topic that is more sensitive today then it used to be 100 years ago, or even 20 years ago.
Not all marriages are great, not all married people understand the benefits of a good sex life ( men are also concerned by this).
The use of a prostitutes to fulfill that gap is obviously more beneficial then a mistress for the above reasons.
However no man would allow the same privileges to his wife, hypocritical isn't it ?
John, London, UK
Minette Marin says" there is no mystery about why men go with prostitutes"
Well there sure as hell is a mystery about me.I have never had the inclination and was married for 50+ years.
Perhaps somebody can explain because I never felt abnormal.
Just lucky I guess.
Minette makes assumptions, she has no idea whether they are true or false.
They are just one woman's writing to fill ,this week ,a very poor column
Ed Corbett, bridgend, wales UK
A beautifully written article. What Ms Marrin says is just plain common sense. Unfortunately, many people just follow the tradional view, rather than accepting the prevelant reality.
Munir Ahmed, Karachi, Pakistan
I for one don't understand the economics of prostitution. Hundreds of dollars just for sex? In no universe is it worth that, and only a fool would pay it. That said, I have known many men would and do pay it, and by and large the reason is the same - they're not getting what they want at home.
Wives get comfortable just like husbands do, and the delta between men and women's libido is significant. Thus: prostitution.
Ken, Blandford, UK
Yes, Poor ole. Eliot only broke the 11th. commandment- "thou shalt. not be caught" (with your trousers down anyway)
Robert Swift, Cricklewood,
"If you look at the question without the blinkers of morality,...."
Perhaps Ms Marrin might be less of a hypocrite if she had decided to question whether marriage is "moral" in the first place.
Joseph White, Loughborough, UK
Claire, Human beings are animals! did you not know that?
This article is spot on and of course is 100% correct. If the male of the species has a loving relationship at home then they certainly do not want another loving relationship outside the marriage.
But because once married the female of the species' sex drive does tend to decrease and sex gets more and more withheld and used only when rewarding the male or when the female wants something in return. The male of the species however quite often does not suffer from a decreased sex drive and their basic animal instincts to indeed often drive them off to have unemotional sex with another female.
Much better to be a prostitute than someone who may potentially want more from the relationship than just the sex. This no doubt saves marriages all over the world.
One day the female of the species may actually want to learn what makes the male tick, what makes us different and why sex is bloody important in keeping a husband!!
GM, Brisbane,
Claire of San Francisco - men (and women) are animals. Chimpanzees to be exact.
Colin, London, UK
Spot on ... excellant article, at last someone talking sense instead of the sanctimonous hogwash written elsewhere and saying the things that people, mostly women , don't want to hear. ... Clair from San Francisco "what makes men different different from animals ? " mentally a lot , physically nothing at all !
andy , lyon, france
Congratulations on an excellent and cogently argued article, Ms Marin. Telling it the way it is. The morality of it is one thing, the reality another.
To answer Claire from San Francisco, what makes men different from animals is a greater choice in how to behave and an ability to foresee the consequences of your actions. Otherwise we are animals, as are women. It's just that women have slightly different agendas, based on their biology and hormones. Not better, just different.
The women who were happy to take Mr. Spitzer's money and engage in unprotected sex with strangers are also women, just as you are, and therefore also presumably animals, by your lights.
And men vary in their sex drives and morality, just as women do. It's easy to claim the moral high ground if you have no desire to do what you condemn someone else for.
Mr Spitzer is a hypocrite in that he condemned prostitution and held an office requiring moral probity. That, however, is a different issue.
Jack, London,
Finally, an article that talks sense about the whole situation. Thank you Minette!
Diana Louis, Paris, France
Claire, we have a sense of humour for start!
But seriously, this article is a breath of fresh air. Men are different to woman and do have stronger sex drive- they are programmed to be like that and if they weren't our species simply would not have lasted this long. If men's sex drive wasnt so strong only the most attractive women would ever have any chance of getting pregnant.
The denial of men's sexuality that prevails in Western Society is, in my opinion, as outlandish and people in a previous era who actually beleived that "bleeding" was the best way to treat an illness.
Rob, London, UK
I have been there and made that sort of decisions. After the birth of child number 3 and a vasectomy I was told in no uncertain terms that sex was for procreation and the shop was now closed for good. Still in love and with great children to bring up I didn't want to get emotionally involved with anyone else. But over time needs emerge, and I am glad there are women willing to provide an outlet.
Fred, Manchester,
Much of what the writer says is worth reflecting on. So who are all these men having affairs or visiting prostitutes? I think only Ms Spitzer can really judge Elliot Spitzer. We are too quick to impose our our sexual morals on others. Paedophiles and rapists should be condemned but affairs are a private matter for those directly affected.
PS Garreth Rex, what nonsense about the state of Britain and immigration etc. . Much prefer living here than the great US which hasn't had illegal immigration, recession, a dumb leader and all the problems that you describe here!
Bobb, London, UK
Well done Minette. This is refreshingly accurate and understanding. It's the best article I have seen on this matter.
No judgementalism, only reality. If only all journalism (and bloggers!) met this standard!
Fred, London, UK
If this is the case, what make men different than animals?
Claire, San Francisco,
Finally, a woman who talks sense about this issue. Incidentally most woman who enter this life adapt quickly, the big fear is of being found out.
thomas, south queensferry, w. lothian
Most men, if they are honest, know that Ms Marrin's arguments are exactly right. And I dare say that plenty of women do so too. However, few will have the courage to support her against the downpour of feminist humbug that is developing in this blog.
Edward McEvoy, Tokyo, Japan
Well said Marrin! Read my mind...
Garth Rex, danger and risk never deterred the human race -adrenaline rush. As for normal men wanting decency,don't thinl so! Ok, maybe for their sisters and daughters but porn outsells gold.
All those men couldn't be abnormal, or could they?
Buchi, Dublin, Eire
This is a very sad and extremely depressing article, written by a woman who sounds like she have been assimilated by the cheap mindset of the weak-minded people in her circle. Prostitution is not NORMAL behaviour, and nor is your response to it. There is no such thing as a high-class hooker and prostitution is more synonymous with frustrated men sharing a public toilet. There is a huge gulf between a load of men desiring pretty girls, and a load of men paying a prostitute to relieve themselves on (or over).
This sorry article is merely attempting to rationalise wrong, as it makes fair-seeming this kind of behaviour. Maybe it makes some wives feel better about their husbands infidelity.
christopher Icha, London, UK
If "London today.." is, indeed, "awash with beautiful and clever girls for hire"...that is a very sad commentary on the ancient nation that has given much or most of today's world its concept of "nobility" and "civilization".
One reads so many negative things about Britain today...about the economy, the mis-government, out-of-control immigration, crime, alcoholism, etc., etc.
A New Dawn..a New Day is coming to the land of Shakespeare, Milton, Newton and Churchill...when Britain will rise again... and the British people will once again be proud and prosperous...of that we can be sure: The British people will only tolerate so much....and no more!
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA
Or he could just be an adult, control himself and not have sex outside his marriage. Maybe? The search for civilization continues...
James, London,
"There is no mystery about why normal men go to prostitutes." Is this premise correct? Do NORMAL men really go to prostitutes? My distinct impression is that NORMAL men whether British, European or American, regard prostitution as disgusting, dangerous and demeaning....and would NEVER touch a prostitute! Look to the article above for a very good reason: It mentions "the disease-ridden streetwalkers of King’s Cross". It is totally naive to believe that "the prettier, healthier girls at the top end of the market" are really any safer or healthier. In this age of AIDS, a man who plays with prostitutes...risks his LIFE!
One should not consider Eliot Spitzer to be "normal"...or at all representative of the normal, main- stream American man, who values a stable, loving,healthy marriage! He does not find "combining love and sex within marriage" to be
"enormously difficult"!
NORMAL men.. want dignity and decency themselves AND for girls and women..NOT prostitution!
Believe it!
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA
According to wiretap evidence, Mr Spitzer, aka 'Client 9' liked 'unsafe practices' in other words he preferred not to use a condom. Which means that if he encountered a little problem along the way, 'her indoors' got it too. I am under the impression that most men dislike using condoms. And there are a lot of sexually-transmitted diseases about. So perhaps Ms Marrin might do the math, and then rethink her somewhat old-fashioned ideas about how wonderful it is for a family if the husband visits prostitutes.
I honestly don't know whether I'm more angry about her vision of the marriage-restorative qualities of a good hooker or her condescending description of wives in general as curler-clad, flannel-wearing passion-killers with a permanent headache and a large sign in the bedroom saying 'no', Somehow I don't recognize myself in that description. I doubt Mrs Spitzer does either.
Isabella Reyes, toronto, canada
I wonder how life is for " her indoors" While her husband is being serviced by prostitutes because he's male, and that is enough in itself according to this article, she is "blamed" because she doesn't measure up in the bedroom, is getting older, is tired from working inside/outside the home, etc. How does he measure up from her point of view? Is she sexually satisfied by him? Is he getting older and more predictable and boring in the bedroom? The answers are probably yes, yes, yes, but a woman does not have the opportunity to find a release through the use of prostitutes in the same way men do. The sex industry caters for men, and how many women would have the opportunity to "get away" for a few hours, or have the money to pay? The old excuse for men that their sexual satisfaction is a basic need that must be satisfied hence the justifiable use of prostitutes is so tired. Women have sexual needs too, but we're always told they are less potent. This article is full of hypocrisy!
Riki, Melbourne, Australia
I think one will find, on the most cursory of re-examinations, that the "poor sinners" Ms Marrin says Spitzer persecuted, were neither poor then, nor, sadly, now.
Jonathan, Baldock, UK