Marriage was one of the greatest social evils it was fashionable to denounce
when, briefly, I was an idealistic left-wing student. There was little worse
for society, according to radical 1968 convention, than the repressive,
bourgeois, nuclear family. Marriage, like the social structures it
supported, was the enemy of freedom, equality, authenticity and
self-expression. It gave rise to some of the most painful of civilisation’s
discontents. It was a tool of hierarchical capitalist oppression.
“Damn braces, bless relaxes,” students used to say, quoting Blake without the
least idea of what he meant. It is true, however, that marriage is not
always relaxing, and often all too bracing, and in that half-educated muddle
there was some uncomfortable truth.
Whether anyone still thinks like that I have no idea. But marriage has never
been more unpopular. Last week the Office for National Statistics announced
that the proportion of adults in England and Wales who choose to marry has
fallen to the lowest rate since figures were first recorded in 1862.
Just under 23 in every 1,000 unmarried men got married last year; the figure
for women is fewer than 21. The figures also showed that 44% of babies are
born out of marriage, rising to 55% in the northeast. Getting married in the
UK as a whole is in marked decline, from a peak in 1972, at around the time
when the sixty-eighters were most vociferously denouncing it and beginning
their long march through the institutions. As for staying married, the
divorce rate for new couples is about 45%.
This is gloomy news for those who have always believed, or who have recently
come to believe (in the light of the overwhelming evidence), that marriage –
all in all – is good for people and for society, or at least much better
than the alternatives. That argument has recently been conclusively won,
although not so long ago marriage was the love that dared not speak its
name.
A middle-aged nurse wrote to me a few years ago saying that hospital
management had told her not to use the words husband and wife when speaking
to patients and staff, not even when referring to her own husband of many
years and not even on official forms. Only the word “partner” was
acceptable, for fear of offending the unmarried.
As to why marriage has become so unpopular, explanations are legion. Some
people emphasise more than I would the iconoclastic attitudes of the 1960s.
Others point to fiscal disincentives to getting or staying married,
especially among people with low incomes. Many people find themselves
noticeably better off if they are single parents, if they pretend to be, or
if they abandon a marriage when the going gets tough. And it now no longer
needs to be said that there is also no social stigma in avoiding marriage by
cohabitation or abandoning it through divorce. Even Princess Anne’s daughter
lives openly with her bulky boyfriend: 30 years ago that would have been a
scandal.
However, I think there is another factor that must be part of the explanation,
although I don’t know of any academic evidence for it. I suspect one of the
main reasons why people don’t get married, or can’t stay married,
particularly in lower social groups, is because so many people aren’t
properly socialised. They aren’t, in better English, properly brought up,
and in some cases are hardly brought up at all, or are left to bring each
other up without much adult guidance. This is happening not to a minority
but to a majority of British children.
Socialisation, or upbringing, is the complex process through which a child
learns to be a social being – a responsible, considerate, self-disciplined,
forbearing adult, who is capable of unselfish love and loyalty. That is to
say, incidentally or perhaps not so incidentally, an adult who is capable of
putting the best into and getting the best out of marriage.
It is hard to raise a child into such a social being. It takes a huge amount
of time and effort. Increasingly it seems parents can’t or won’t spend time
and care on their children. Increasingly both parents are working;
increasingly single parents are anxious, harried and time-poor; increasingly
children are consigned to inadequate day care and nurseries; increasingly
they are offered wraparound educare (promoted by Gordon Brown). Increasingly
we see the results.
Evidence of the failures of this childcare – or child neglect – is constantly
emerging. Recent Ofsted reports of preschool nurseries were alarming.
Infants are neglected, disoriented and distressed; children in day care are
more likely to have disturbed and aggressive behaviour, and half of all
toddlers arrive at primary school unable to speak properly for their age.
Their numbers are growing. To say this suggests a widespread failure of
socialisation is surely an understatement.
By five, a great deal of damage has been done. It only remains for poor
schools, large classes, uncontrolled bullying and inaccessible parents,
truanting, empty homes, solitary TV and the lonely refuge of cyberspace to
reinforce it. The government recently felt obliged to advise parents to read
aloud to their children because so many wouldn’t think of doing so.
It is hardly possible for a child who has been so socially deprived, by any
combination of these all too normal experiences, to learn how to treat other
people. Not all children turn into feral teenagers because of such
disadvantages, but many may well turn into children who are emotionally and
socially stunted, children who have fallen on stony ground and can never
thrive.
Such children can hardly hope to achieve much of the maturity and emotional
stability that is essential to marriage. And I say marriage, because all the
evidence is that cohabitation is no substitute for it. And why not marry, if
one wants to take on all the rights and responsibilities of marriage?
Children tend to do as they are done by. If they are properly brought up, they
will bring up their own children to the same high standards. If not, not. If
their parents set them an example of good behaviour and a loyal marriage,
they will do the same for the next generation. If not, not. The decline of
marriage is an inevitable consequence of the decline of parenthood.
minette.marrin@sunday-times.co.uk
Interesting statistic that 23 in every 1000 unmarried men and 21 in every 1000 unmarried women married last year - who do the 2 in every 1000 unmarried men marry?
Peter, london,
I have been married for 27 years and have two children who are now young adults of whom I am very proud. I stayed at home to rear my children and grannys and grandas were close by to lend a hand. Bully for you I can hear you say. But you cant force people to marry to conform to some social steryotype. If the stats show marriage on the decline its for a reason. If it was uniformally that great people would be clambering to do it. I may be wrong but I think its the young women who dont feel the need to be married. Did the young men ever feel the need to be married? Maybe men need to step up to the plate and act like men not like Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. One thing I do know is that girls need to have more respect for themselves and not go with obvious losers (this isnt a financial judgement but a moral one). Females are supposed to seek out the Alpha male for a mate and father of their child. Every city in Britain can now prove the lie to that one.
A Morrow, Bangor,
My wife and I have been married 23 years; we've got four children, had a (extended) period when we argued like cat and dog and almost split up because society almost dictated you should when you disagreed with your spouse.
We're both proud to say we got over it and I believe our children are better for it. Yes we argue between ourselves, but we have fun too and there are standards. It is because of this our children can go out with their friends and behave like human beings and not wild animals.
The government needs to stop meddling with time honoured processes and actually support them where they are innately known to do good for the human race as a whole.
Hopefully all this liberal, independent thinking is transitory and normal service will be resumed shortly.
Clive, Rushden, Northants
Marriage provides stability for children. Marriage encourages young people to grow up and become adults who can accpet responsibility. There are far too many children having children with no idea of parenting. Children are suffering by this lack of parenting.
Sue, Southampton, HAmpshire
Terry, just to help with the maths, there are more women in the UK than men. 23 men per thousand married, the key is per thousand, and 21 women per thousand married.
Charles, Wakefield, UK
There are also powerful disincentives to marriage. Most recently publicised by one Heather Mills, who has done more to boost the 'Don't Get Married' cause than anyone else this year, and yet whose husband got off lightly - he still has his house, car, pension, business.
Many people seeing that example, and working out what would happen if their possible divorce cost them everything, will choose not to get married. They cannot.
I always long to see what tax incentives will be offered to entice someone to risk a possible six-figure divorce settlement!
Jon, Winchester,
I resent the implication that I am not bringing up my children 'properly' because I am not married. I work full time and my partner currently stays at home to care for our two young children and does a wonderful job. Financially we are not as well off as if we both worked but we feel it is a short term arrangement that benefits our children. We are committed to each other and to our children and I believe it is our attitude and not whether we are married that makes a difference. My parents have been married for over 35 years and I have friends who are married and I totally respect their choice. I also have friends like me; educated, financially independent and devoted parents who choose not to get married. It is depressing to read so many articles that suggest we are guilty of poor parenting simply because we do not choose to sign a piece of paper.
E. Stone, Grimsby, Lincolnshire
One thing not mentioned in this recent denigration of marriage is the complete unfairness of the divorce laws biased in favour of the female. Without my knowledge my wife had a 17 year affair with her best friend´s husband and as soon as his divorce came through she applied for divorce. Our justice system gave her all the rewards and me all the punishments -- I was evicted from my home, my life with my children was reduced from 100% to less than 10%, and the bulk off the wealth I had soley built (ie. our children´s inheritance) was given to her, the one parent that had proved she lied, cheated and stole on her children and husband, and who had a partner who could in practice run off with it. The judge´s only answer was that this was all in the best interests of our children
steve jessup, Murcia, Spain
I blame most of the country's social problems squarely on the shoulders of the diet of garbage the media feeds us 24 hours day, day out (Catherine Tate, Little Britain, Eastenders, the Bill, Coronation street, Shameless and films like Scum plus other new filth coming soon from Ch4.
People particularly kids, no longer learn from the previous generation. They learn from TV, how to socialise with each other; cohabit, lie, cheat, show no commitment, steal, have underage sex, incest, homosexuality, adultery, shouting and arguing, intimidation, bully, unrelenting selfishness and self gratification etc etc. Almost no TV nowadays is pleasent or uplifting, let alone helpful. Even the animal documentaries focus on the worst aspects of animal life.
So, even if children and adults don't watch TV themselves, late into the night, their friends will (producing peer pressure to copy) and so the devastating effects of this brain washing are inescapable. Marriage is just another casualty.
James Bradley, South Petherton, Somerset
While it is certainly true that many people can be emotionally damaged, even crippled, by upbringing, I think the feelings and attitudes necessary for marriage to work are innate in most of us. My guess is that by far the greater part of the cause of marriage decline and failure is social acceptance and economic necessity.
Ken Leyland, Liverpool, U.K.
it's rare (and comforting) to hear someone stick up for marriage. However, I think at the end, it all regressed back the old blame game: two working parents is the cause of all society's ills, which is closely linked to the "women should stay home and mind the house" and " it' s all the fault of the feminists" schools of thought.
As young a person raised by working parents, I can say that this is not always true. Yes Mum and Dad worked. But hey did something which many of my friend's parents seemed unwilling to do: give up the single life of an unattached adult and make time to be home with us. Really home. No separate dinners for kids and the adults, no T.V . in the kid's rooms to keep them quiet. Instead, they talked to us, and praised or punished us when we needed it. And we're better for it.
Such commitment wasn't bad for their marriage, either. when they were both home with us, uncomfortable questions about where someone was at night didn't come up.
G Drakes, Barbados,
Do you not consider that getting married after a divorce, might engage you in working for 25 years to payoff a mortgage on a house which you then give away to someone you have just met off the street.
Then you live on the street and then the other woman can keep your house and live with someone else.
allan scott, perth,
Toby. Selfishness philosophy has nothing to do with the 70's. Only with the image have given to the 70's in our common cultural subconscious. Selfishness is the economic strategy of Britain. It as taken from a mis-interpretation of the "invisible hand" paradigm from Adam Smith. That everyone should work at his own interest and the market dynamics will make things good for the society as a whole. And that is the idea that has founded the USA and the corporations governance. It is now trying to take over the world with its simplistic objective: "maximize wealth". And that's what the rest of the world is trying to fight.
Gov. policies aims at breaking down families, ends up in privatisation and failure of social systems: Education, health, public transports, energy. (what about defense?).
And Marta, sorry for your bad experience, but what education teaches you is not to generalise on a anectodical data.
Sebastien, Glasgow, U.K.
Brilliant - if only more people would wake up to this truth. Thank you for such an excellent article.
Jane, Godalming, England
You lost me at, "although I don’t know of any academic evidence for it.
Chris, Worthing,
I'm not getting married unless I can be sure I won't lose half my stuff upon divorce.
Eddie, London,
Being poor or greedy creates an environment. Children take a back seat in both extremes. Moderation in all things.
Keith Richard Radford Jr., Burbank, USA CA
Could it be the case that, if children do not have stable relationships modelled to them by their parents, they are unable to to sustain them in their own lives?
Hannah, Truro,
Isn't greater tolerance to other people's lifestyles and opinions much more preferable to a greater proportion of married couples? I find it extremely curious that individuals always seem to want others to do as they do and think as they think.
I myself have been in a very committed (but unmarried) relationship for over twelve years, co-habiting for the last seven and raising a beautiful daughter for the last five - who has spent a single day in 'day care' and has a reading age at least one year in advance of her physical age. Despite this (and despite the fact that our relationship has been over a longer term than any of their own) our married group of friends always seem incredulous that my partner and I are not desperate to marry.
I really cannot see how a small piece of paper provides any more commitment to a relationship or any greater indemnity against the breakdown of a relationship or can somehow magically transform an individual into becoming a super parent.
Rob Savage, Wombourne, West Midlands
I hardly think that a reduction in the marriage rate is an accurate measure for the decline in 'socialisation' of our children. It's surely possible for civilised, well brought up individuals to reject the concept of marriage for a number of rational motives.
On Marriage; "all the evidence is that cohabitation is no substitute for it" - what evidence??? I happily co-habit as opposed to my parents who were strikingly unhappy in marriage. That they divorced when I was 13 served no ill effect, instead bringing me to question the social framework to which I had become accustomed. I am stronger for it.
To say that children do as they are done by is a striking generalisation and often incorrect.... from my experience children will do the exact opposite to that which their parents did, which is why I will never marry and why I will be a better father, partner and individual for it.
Parenting and marriage are not linked and have no relevant bearing on the upbringing of a child.
James, London,
Surely we can accept that a society devoted to self does not allow a lot of space for other people.
Also the christian may simply divorce more because they marry more. Worth considering?
Len Cockram, SHEPPARTON, Australia
I'd say you, and all of us in the Western world, are getting what we deserved.
Having destroyed our birthright handed down by our ancestors, in perpetual pursuit of the latest "cool" intellectual fad, we now find ourselves staring our cultural impoverishment in the face.
How "cool" do you feel now?
Ken, Greensboro, USA
Imagine a little boy, a boy who is motivated to learn things, study engineering, mess with mathematics, build, create, compose... well you get the idea. Now image this bright boy reading Sir Paul McCartney's divorce news... seeing his neighbor "lose" the house... reading Martin Gore's interview where Marty mentions "difficult times for me right now".. Now explain to me why this smart boy would be interested in marriage? The little fellow wants to cure cancer, invent a new engine, relieve us from global warning, crack a hundred year old puzzle, play xbox, ride a bike... But to pull Sir Paul McCartney or his neighbor?
Ivan, Raleigh, North Carolina, USA
The reasoning in this article is not clear. I can't see why, if parents are too busy or emotionally or financially stressed to spend much time with their children, being married or not will make much difference. Children obviously benefit, generally, from having involved parents, but I can't see the marriage certificate as magically producing this.
Elizabeth , Portland, USA
For a lot of men the idea of the wife cooking the Sunday roast after the family has attended early morning Mass is very appealing. For many other people, however, the story is very different. It is not a case of one size fits all. Let those who wish to marry do so; but let's not coerce people into walking up the aisle.
Des, Edinburgh,
When reading articles of this type I am always reminded that the root cause of the decline in marriage is not religion <Christians in the states have the highest divorce rate of any group> or feminism, as some men would have us believe but capitalism itself. Parents are not abandoning their children to shop, But are attempting to house, clothes, and feed there children. Financial stress is destroying families faster than anything else. The solution, would entail churches, corporations and government placing Family first. This will of course happen after pigs fly.
kwsith, Raleigh, US - North Carolina
One possible factor here is the family court system - or at least men's perception of it. Many men think if they ended up in a divorce they would lose heavily both financially and in access to children. Add to that the fact that people are marrying later, and consequently men have more property to lose, it is hardly surprising that they are very reluctant to commit.
Philip, Wellingborough, UK
It might help if the government did more to encourage parents with a good work ethic who care about their children and their childrens education.
I feel like we are persued for more and more tax in ever more inventive forms whilst the government and LEAs continue to make changes that threaten my childrens changes of a good education.
The comfortably married middle classes are seen as a cash cow who must be milked as much as possible before being killed off. And even as they are killing us off they are wondering how they turn the feckless into something that looks like the married middle classes they deride...
Pat, Reading, England
It was easier to discredit marriage than it would be to make it popular again. As long as it was the normal thing to do, millions of people just assumed that they would get married. Now that there is an option - with the presumption being against marriage - only those who believe strongly in it will have the energy and resolution to take such a committal step. Especially when it is against their own material interests. Walter Bagehot's famous remark about the monarchy is very apposite, mutatis mutandis:
"A theorist may easily map out a scheme of Government in which Queen Victoria could be dispensed with. . . . Queen Victoria is loyally obeyed—without doubt and without reasoning—by millions of human beings. If those millions began to argue, it would not be easy to persuade them to obey Queen Victoria, or anything else".
Just so, marriage was accepted by millions of human beings until they were told it was unnecessary. It will not be possible to put the toothpaste back in the tube
Tom Welsh, Basingstoke,
I resent the implication that having two working parents is neglectful. My parents have always both worked but still found time to spend with me and my sister and, though their tireless efforts, have been able to put both of us through university. Please do not discount the socialising value of being taught from a very early age that if you want something, you must earn it and that you can improve your social standing and financial prospects through the application of hard work and 100% effort. A strong work ethic is a powerful tool in life, and I am deeply grateful to my parents for having equipped me so well in this regard.
Sophie, Liverpool,
We are always willing to condemn large school classes because children cannot receive the attention they deserve. Pre-school and day care units do not give very young children the one on one attention they need in their early years and should be similarly condemned.
DW, Derby,
The figures would be correct if there are more unmarried women than unmarried men.
Jane, derby, UK
There is no doubt that parents are becoming increasingly absent. I was brought up by two working proffessional parents in the 1980's. We were somewhat ahead of our time and I can now see my childhood being played out with this generations children.
These days it as much ambition as financial pressure that leads to absent parents. The cost of childcare, a house in a good catchment area, and the ever increasinfg debt we have consumes our incomes. It is impossible to have it all and for some parents family time is sacrificed in lieu of other commitements. Parents, quite rightly, want to bring up their children and have a decent lifestyle. This means inceasingly that both parents work full time.
Marriage and quality family life is not encouraged by the government or employers. Very few employers offer flexible hours, we have the longest working hours in Europe and the government offers very little financial support for parents. No wonder marriages dont last
laura, edinburgh,
Terry,
They married each other.
Patoba Ipririm, Bradford, UK
On the contrary marriage is still quite popular in the West and East. Marriage still holds a place in young hearts that know deep down that committment is essential for a long lasting relationship. The ideals of marriage still hold although the evidence of broken marriages are on the rise. I think there is a swing back to marriage as people realise that a open system has its drawbacks. Parents realise that they need to be committed to bring children up. Children need the security of marriage. So whatever the stats say marriage is still popular and will stay this way although couples are getting married later.
john mathai, melbourne, australia
It seems ironic that prosperous nations contain the seeds of their own distruction. Civilizations rot from within when old values, that held families and society together, are replaced by new but unsustainable values. This time, however, as the west fades, it's being replaced by eastern immigrant cultures where the old ways still bind them together. Will their prosperity in the west ironically bring them to the same end?
Brian, St. John's, Canada
How did 23 men marry only 21 women?
Terry, Bagneres, France
First class observations in this article.Just every day contact with other peoples' children proves the case.The adversre and indignant comments are simply because of the veiled attack on the lower classes.Sadly, The Brits, still suffer from this Victorian hang-up. about the social pecking- order. I have not experienced this' chip -on- the -shoulder,' attitude as much in the rest of Europe!
michael innes, montpellier, France
In contrast to my parents' generation which came of age in the 1930s to be a full time homemaker is largely an upper class privilege. In my late 60s I grew in a middle middle class world in which a single income could support a family and poor students like myself could come out of college and professional school debt free.
Feminism robbed women of their opporunities for stable marriages and enjoying motherhood. They've been "empowered" to work themselves like slaves, become odious to men as reliable relationship partners, and to neglect their children.
MARK KLEIN, M.D., Oakland, CALIFORNIA
It is far easier to destroy than to build, we are finding that out now to our cost. The party of the 60s revolution has come to an end as society now wakes up with the hangover. The revolution was great for the so-called freedoms in the 60s generation but at the expense of the next.
A parable for today's financial debt crisis. Spend what you do not really have today leaving the bill for later.
Alan, Luton,
I was raised in a large family, in a succession of grimy tower blocks. I suppose I fit the model of the inadequately socialised beings that the article refers to.
Consequently, marriage or any relationship that requires grown up commitment, makes me feel physically ill. I now feel guilty for having 3 children of my own. My daughter already shares the repulsion for any thing or anyone that curtails her freedom.
Claire, Plymouth, Devon
No doubt, the prevalence of neglectful and incompetent parenting makes for an ignorant and uncouth society.
Since we are looking forward to eugenics legislation regulating who may be allowed to initiate pregnancies (insurance companies will see to it), someone will certainly discover the gene for parenting as well. Until then, we're stuck.
It's no better on this side of the pond.
Rick Hepner, Salt Lake City, USA
Well, I think this is a huge problem for children brought up in public schools, it is not always about the 'lower classes', Minette! Children who spent their lives in boarding schools until they moved into university accommodation, have a great education, but do not have an idea of what it is like to live and compromise with the people you love and they do not know how to deal with emotions on a daily basis. Girls, stay away from public schools boys. One of them at the height of his involvement with me said 'I cannot imagine anything worse than sharing your house with the same person for the rest of your life. But I would never live alone. I want to keep changing house mates'.
Long live the 'lower social groups'!!!!
Marta, leeds, UK
"Socialisation, or upbringing, is the complex process through which a child learns to be ... a responsible, considerate, self-disciplined, forbearing adult, who is capable of unselfish love and loyalty."
We're in this mess precisely because of the philosophy of selfishness that grew from the 60's and 70's. Anti-marriage diatribe is usually rooted in the belief that 'I should be free to do what I want'. When we live by that philosophy, then the 'right' to leave your wife and kids when things get tough becomes paramount. Stuff responsibility, it's all about MY HAPPINESS.
The fact that phrases like "unselfish love and loyalty" sound so dissonant in our society should tell us that we've really lost the plot. Love is about UNselfishness, it's about giving rather than receiving, about enduring the tough times. It's not some fuzzy feeling that comes and goes.
So-called "freedoms" and "rights" have a cost. And our unhappy, neglected kids are often the ones to bear that cost.
Toby, Bedford, UK
"The decline of marriage is the inevitable consequence of the decline of parenthood." But also, the decline in parenthood is the inevitable consequence of the decline in marriage.
So we need to figure out what sparked this self-perpetuating process off.
How about the decline of religion? As is well known, Britain was a Christian country until the 1960s. But then Christianity collapsed. And the frequency of marriage collapsed. And we know that religion strongly encourages people to get married.
Now, we are beginning to realise, ditching a thousand years of Christian tradition may not have been an entirely good idea.
Sam, Oxford,
"The decline of marriage is the inevitable consequence of the decline of parenthood." But also, the decline in parenthood is the inevitable consequence of the decline in marriage.
So we need to figure out what sparked this self-perpetuating process off.
How about the decline of religion? As is well known, Britain was a Christian country until the 1960s. But then Christianity collapsed. And the frequency of marriage collapsed. And we know that religion strongly encourages people to get married.
Now, we are beginning to realise, ditching a thousand years of Christian tradition may not have been an entirely good idea.
Sam, Oxford,
I think Minette is absolutely correct - but what's the solution? The emotionally stunted children of the previous generation are now the parents of the emotionally stunted toddlers who are now starting primary school unable to speak properly, (let alone read); the parents failing to teach social responsibility to their children were, in most cases, failed by their parents before them.
Sooner or later we have to draw a line in the sand; pointing to failures by previous generations will not acheive anything.
But whilst people are happy in general to accept that other people's children's upbringing is flawed and should be 'fixed', it is very rare that anyone will admit failures on their own part, and they will usually respond agressively to any attempt to influence the way they bring their own children up.
I've always felt their should be an exam you have to pass if you want to have children, and if you failed you would have certain items confiscated to ensure conformity!
Ed Bullen, Sydney, NSW, Australia
Absolutely spot on. The Government must support marriage and make it much much more difficult for parents to split up when their children are under 16. If not, the problems posed by fatherless children will get worse and worse.
sylvia macpherson, wickford, england