Parents are the blue print by which we live our lives and relationships, so its no wonder that we replicate our parents attitudes in our relationships. When the legacy of this blue print is unhealthy, children grow up to be unhealthy adults living unhealthy relationships. The path to recovery is long, costly and ... with no guarantee of full recovery.

maurice, London, UK,

This is such a simplistic perspective on relationships. Because you see a similar pattern in a subject's relationship and your own, doesn't make it practice for the majority. I can say for certain, I am nothing like my girlfriends father, and she is nothing like my mother. In fact we're almost opposite. Maybe we recognized those qualities as bad in our parents and searched for something better. I think our parents are just a standard of comparison for most people.

As for your visit to America, It's unfortunate that you can't control the amount of food you consume. Just because a Big Mac is available for you through your volvo window, doesn't mean you need to get it. The sole decision and result is caused by your individual actions. It just seems like you've made the easiest connections concerning relationships and America to try and get an article out with little quick facts instead of doing research.

Gregory, Littleport, UK

I have noticed a similar theme in most relationships too, although I don't think the Mellon's comments about her relationship is a particularly good example as her husband ismentally ill.

In my experience of similar relationships I have noticed it is casued by the woman deliberately treating the man like a child. They continually give the impression that the man is not good enough, nor capable enough with the children/housework, and that she must do them at all costs, trying to martyr themselves. Instead all they succeed in doing is alienating their partner and lowering his self esteem.

Mike, Bournemouth,

This is a view of marriage that, thanks to Freud and his Oedipus Complex, is well publicised. I believe there is some truth in the claim, and also some truth in the claim that woman also seeks the father figure in her lover. However, looking at this tendency as one of both sexes perhaps illuminates the fact that it is not the specific individual father or mother that the male or female wish to 'recreate', but the respective male and female figures of authority and nurture that the 'father' and 'mother' are. It is not the reconstruction of an individual, but a reconstruction of situation, perhaps an attempt rather to reconstruct the security of childhood.

Jane, Oxford,

This Guy has ben trying to drag this Country out of our world of consumerism, destitution and War! I feel the people of this country have been shallow and too quick to judge, forgetting about the state of affairs in the late 70's/80's. This Man has dragged us out of potential trouble with his policy of honesty - how was he to know these "Extra" things were to come alight?
AMERICA!! Jeese............ WHY (as a small country in the grand scale of things) do WE have to acccept every Tom etc as our own? 200 years ago we would of been standing on the Beach warding off fellow threats! YES?

I feel strongly Tony Blair should stay. What can I do about keeping him and his Government? Micheal howard needs a punch in the throat!

You have support. Please find it! We HAVE the best army (for UK).
Everything in the UK has been better/more equal than it was under 'another government' been

Kind Regards
Sharon

Sharon, peterborough, uk

My partner is Italian and you would think they would be the worst cuprits. However instead of pushing all of the motherly traits onto me, he has learnt to do - and acutally does - most of the cooking, washing and ironing his own shirts. He has tried to get me to do hoovering by buying me a hoover, but we share that task too. It's about respect, equality and not being taken for a ride, or trying to make out you are superwoman.

Emma, Harrow, United Kingdom

I believe that my husband's mother, a stereotypical Jewish woman from New York City, believes that her son should have married someone exactly like her, and she doesn't necessarily agree with my reformed views. Although, I'm his third wife, so she's probably just happy he's still marrying in the faith...regardless, his first two wives were exactly like her, whereas I, while not the exact opposite, am remarkably different, which actually seems to propogate the theory.

Rivkah, Bedfordshire, UK

What about young women who are still reliant on their own mothers?.. like me?! Seriously, I'm 22 years old and never do my own washing (I am fully aware this is not normal!)

I'm worried when I marry, my husband will have to become MY mother!!!

Kalum, London, England

If this is ever the case - where a partner behaves like a baby to the 'mother' partner - surely one would nip it in the bud, and discuss it with the other partner. Why tolerate such behaviour? That kind of babyish dependence upon someone else is very unattractive. So is acting like a mother to a partner whom you are supposed to have sex with. Both parties are to blame.

Ak, London,

This article could have been written for my ex (and he is an ex for exactly the reasons stated in the article!). I suspected I might be onto a loser when we were first dating and his (French) mother asked him, "And she is cooking for you every night, yes?", despite being well aware that we were both in full-time jobs, me working at least two hours a day longer than him. My suspicions were confirmed when I overheard her on another phone call to him, aghast that his 37-year-old brother had shown up to visit her with, shock horror, a hole in his socks. "Whatever was **** (brother's girlfriend) thinking, letting him out with a hole in his socks?" she exclaimed.

Nicky, London, UK

I have found that it is not only my partner who experts me to take responsibility for his 'mothering' but his mother as well. She thinks she has passed on all her duties to me and now I am soley responsible for his well being. This can never really be the case though. Firstly I am not interested in mothering my partner and secondly I have no authority to properly do so. So the situation fails all of us. I am not as good a mother as she is - but then I'm not trying to be, so his mum thinks I'm not up to it - as opposed to say that I have better things to do with my life than pander to my partners every whim. ?

KM, London,

I'm a marriage and family therapist and in my practice I've preferred to look at this "syndrome" differently....because once a wife get's it in her head that her husband is a "child"...then there's the resentment, anger, disappointment, etc...and the vicious circles can start.
Sure, my husband is always losing his keys...but he also can rip apart any engine and reassemble it and build a house over my head. He didn't do the dishes or housework when I married him, but he responded to my unhappiness about that by joining me in creating some house rules: we both work til the work is done. And if we're tired, we rest & then begin.
In general I find it best to stay away from categorizing and labelling people. It sets up a wierd dynamic that brings out the worst in people. My old therapist back in 1975 gave me some wise advice which I bring forward to my practice:
when you're married, you have to be everything to each other....husband, wife; mother, father; brother, sister; friend.

Dr.Mary Ann Rombach,Ph.D., Invermere,, BC

its quite endemic is australia, wife never lives up to mum, even if mum had her defects in sons/husbands view.
it starts with the classification of work distribution by gender. in the past of course there were natural incliniations and these still exist. but there is no longer a reason for peoples natural talents to be stifled because of the body they have been assigned.
however i have found that men (speaking generally) like the status quo and their minds wont encompass anything that lies outside the parameters society has set for being female.

anneya, cambrai, sa

As someone who's father used to refer to his wife as 'our mum' I completely relate to this and have worked hard over years to rid myself of the consequences. It is consequent upon the fact that women give birth to men ie men are 'of' women. And whilst some men fail to move away psychologically from their mothers so too many women fail to let go of their sons, fearing their very lives to be leaving, particularly it seems when the son is an only child.

PM, reading,

If I had 'married my mother', so to speak, I would have strangled my wife before our first year was out. My wife is perfection, my mother considerably less so. Take our wedding as an example. My mother triedto take over. Had she done so it would have been a shambles. As it was we resisted her attempts. Ditto the children. In contrast my wife has stood well back from the arrangements for our sons' weddings, and other aspects of the lives. She is always there for us all but never butts in unless we ask her to do so.

Jack Gamon, Sussex, England

"I’ve heard this line a lot, and mainly, I have to admit, from women"

Sounds like women should be better judges of character when it comes to finding themselves a man.

Jonathan, Auckland, New Zealand

Every couple operates through a unique balance of give and take. I think the healthiest relationships revolve around individuals who understand themselves and their partners, allowing the possibility for an evenly-matched, reciprocal and measured co-existence. In contrast, many (particularly modern) couples seem to ride a rollercoaster of highs and lows, with partners feeding off each other for immediate satisfaction or seeking material rewards, showing little regard for their emotional compatibility in the long-run. The result is often two individuals who become addicted to one another with little more than superficial reasoning behind their mutual dependence. For the unfortunate who prolong this state, children and marriage are possible consequences Not wanting to sound too Puritan, but if people were more selective in the original 'hooking up' phase, they might save themselves from a bleak, dysfunctional future.

Luke, shepton-mallet,

Ms. Johnson, Apparently I missed school the day I was supposed to learn to grow up and marry a woman like my mother and just become another child to my wife.Sorry about that.In my life I do the housework,my wife works outside the home,so I tend to her needs.Perhaps she married a man like her mother?I doubt it.I cook,clean,keep the sock drawer full,and also remodeled the kitchen,cut and split wood,feed the dog and cats,do the mechanic work on the vehicles,wash the dishes,built decks,a pergola,a sauna,a gazebo.In other words,I do all the work a woman does around the house and also all the work a woman can't.The only thing that bothers me about all this is that I have a sister-in-law that can weld better than I can.So much for your stereotypes.

ron, toronto,

From a male perspective, i agree female partners nursing their husband sounds like a very sweet thought.

On the other hand, when my mother nurses me, and it feels like shes babying me i do start to think this is a bit silly. The only reason why i dont take the spoon away from my mum, when she's feeding me the Night Nurse or whatever medicine, is simply for the reason that it makes here feel better. She's obviously doing it because its her way of showing love, and her affection. Which is another sweet thought, put me in that position where the wife is caring over me, i would appreciate it and it would make me smile happiily at her [maybe blissfully?].

From experiences of when i've been sick in the past, i could just go to the gym or do a bit of running [to sweat it out - and it works], but if i decide that i want someone i love to care over me and if it makes her happy then so be it, i'll stay at home and let her do the rest.

Malix X, Outta, US

I am proud and happy to say that I did NOT marry a man who needs or wants to be treated like a child. My Mom gave me an excellent piece of advice when my first boyfriend needed "taking care of." She said: It's lovely to be needed but when you have children, you will be needed every minute of the day. And then, you will want a partner who will act like a partner, rather than like another child. Be with a man who mirrors your independence, instead of one who is dependent on you to take care of him.

Thankfully, it was one of the many pieces of wisdom I heeded. I

CD, USA,

When you meet parents for the first time at parents' evening it's oh so easy, and so amusing, to match up the mums with their sons by their attitudes, the facial expressions they pull etc. Much more difficult with girls

John Ledbury, Kings Lynn, England

"I know a man, and husband, and father of four, who when he is ill lies in bed, cries out weakly, and when his saintly wife manifests, he sends her to the chemist with a long list. When she gets back, it is not enough that she has left the homestead and returned with Lemsip in between all her other duties and responsibilities. She has to open the Day Nurse and spoon it into his mouth, too."
- Isn´t that exactly the way it should be? What´s wrong with nursing your partner in a warm-harted, loving way showing how you care for her or him through symbolic acts that may be "useless" from a merely technical perspective? Is the ideal of nursing an ill person the cold robot nurse? Even from a purely medical viewpoint that would be clearly suboptimal. If you don´t actually feel a certain satisfaction in nursing your partner the way described in the paragraph above - then you´re probably married to the wrong person.

Angela Machado, Florianópolis, Brazil

Interesting topic! I agree to some extent with the first comment, that of Angela, that if one doesn't take pleasure in caring for one's partner, it's probably the wrong match - OR: the person is simply carrying baggage from their own upbringing (aren't we all); I was in a long-term relationship with a woman whose mother was exactly the "mommy" described above, who practically martyred herself caring for everyone in the family except herself. This was obviously bad for the mother, but the daughter's reaction to that turned her into a person with an intense fear of any rapport that even resembled the one her mother had to the rest of the family, and unfortunately was incapable (and I think this is as objective as I can be, given that I was on the "non-receiving" end of her 'care') of the basic - and mutual - care and 'looking after' that I think is part of any healthy relationship. While her fears were understandable, they also handicapped her significantly in matters of mutual love.

Dan, Princeton, USA

This is kind of a silly article. I man could write on the same subject and direct it towards women. E.g., women can't heal from the wound left from the separation from their fathers...so they make their husband manange the money, work himself to death, ask for an allowance to buy extravgant clothing, loads of new furniture and useless nicknacks and expect their husbands to be thrilled. This article is further evidence of the socially accepted practice of husband bashing (notice men don't often whinge publicly about their wives poor habits, let alone write articles in newspapers on the subject....think about it). The reality of the situation is that there are incompetent whingers in the form of both husbands and wives.

Tom McWilliams, Fort McMurray, Canada

About as meaningful as the statement that "a girl recreates her father in her husband" Trite nonsense.

David Richards, Chester, UK

"A boy just recreates his mother in his wife. "This is what I'm afraid of. With so many single-parent families headed by a feminism-indoctrinated divorced woman, daughters adopt their mother's prejudice about men. Namely, "all men are rapists", and "it's cool to hate men."
Sons grow up with no practical skills, but more importantly want the total antithesis of their mother in their life (presumably) partner. So they either become homosexual or are attracted to non-assertive woman, possibly Asian. Hence the cry from British women, "Asian bimbos stealing our men".
Assuming a woman's ultimate goal is to pass on her genes to future generations, the attitude of a large segment of the female population in UK is counter-productive to say the least. This puts the Caucasian race en-route to being subsumed by Asia. Ask any British man in a relationship with an Asian (non-Muslim, naturally) woman as to the attraction over the domestic product. His response will not make pleasant hearing.

Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan

"I know a man, and husband, and father of four, who when he is ill lies in bed, cries out weakly, and when his saintly wife manifests, he sends her to the chemist with a long list. When she gets back, it is not enough that she has left the homestead and returned with Lemsip in between all her other duties and responsibilities. She has to open the Day Nurse and spoon it into his mouth, too."
- Isn´t that exactly the way it should be? What´s wrong with nursing your partner in a warm-harted, loving way showing how you care for her or him through symbolic acts that may be "useless" from a merely technical perspective? Is the ideal of nursing an ill person the cold robot nurse? Even from a purely medical viewpoint that would be clearly suboptimal. If you don´t actually feel a certain satisfaction in nursing your partner the way described in the paragraph above - then you´re probably married to the wrong person.

Angela Machado, Florianópolis, Brazil