Which of the following do you think is, or are, the more satanic: football, the Royal College of Music, taking the dog for a walk, or Jews? I’m looking for spiritual guidance here, please.

I’ve tried ringing Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq, the eminent Muslim scholar, to find out but no reply. I think, reading between the lines of his various speeches, it’s Jews. But one can’t be sure. For example, “Jews” and “music” are sort of synonymous; music is part of the “satanic” web by which Jews spread their filth through the world, as I am sure you’re aware. So pointless to distinguish between them, really.

Old Riyadh – who used to operate out of Birmingham Central Mosque until an unseemly argument over one of his wives, allegedly – is not just any old Islamic scholar, but perhaps the most important one in Britain today. He is the leading theologian of the Deobandi sect that controls many of Britain’s mosques (charitable institutions subsidised by you and me).

Aside from music, football, walking the dog and Jews, Riyadh also takes a pretty tough stance on Hindus, homosexuals, Christians and immodest women. He’s not going to be a big fan of Joan Rivers, is he?

His favourite things, meanwhile, seem to be long beards, armed jihad, martyrdom, the Muslim Council of Britain (which quite likes him, in return) and marrying lots of women. Does this make him a hardliner?

The same rather pointless dispute was occasioned when Yusuf al Qaradawi, the Egyptian Islamic cleric, was invited here a few years back (at Ken Livingstone’s instigation) to share his views with us all. "Extremist!" came the cry, citing Qaradawi's support for the execution of homosexuals, physical chastisement of women, female circumcision, suicide attacks against Israeli civilians and so on.

However, as Britain’s Muslims pointed out, in the Islamic world Qaradawi is indeed a venerated moderate; he condemned the 9/11 attack, supported the war against the Taliban and while he thinks it’s okay to smack women about a bit when they’ve been stroppy and disobedient, he strongly advises against using a stick to do so. A swift punch or a kick should suffice. Ergo, he is the Roy Jenkins of the Islamic world.

The terms moderate and extremist are not much use to us when considering Islam; they sort of merge with one another. You can be shocked, if you like, that almost half of Britain’s Muslims attend mosques where Riyadh’s views are de jour. But you may then wonder what goes on in the other 50%: do they have “hardliner” mullahs or not?

Incidentally, you can enjoy ul Haq’s lectures by ordering cassettes from online-Islamic-store.com – “your one-stop shop to Islamic shopping”. There’s some useful stuff on how to sneeze in an Islamic manner, too.

Word on the street

The words “Livingstone is a ****” were painted by vandals on the roof of a London bus, giving enormous cheer to inhabitants of the capital as the vehicle went unwittingly about its usual business. Office workers leant out of their windows, cheering. I can’t reprint the word it said Ken Livingstone was; you’ll have to guess.

But if you type his name, followed by this particular word, into Google it comes up with a remarkable 55,300 entries. It is a word that was first used on television by that proto-hippie Felix Dennis, back in 1970 and was recently the subject of an hour-long documentary on BBC3. DH Lawrence famously made use of it in Lady Chatterley's lover. Say the word aloud and you immediately think of Piers Morgan. It rhymes with . . . oh, never mind. You KNow. It would be rather quaint if you didn't.

It’s a word that, through frequent use, is beginning to lose its power to offend and can even be deployed affectionately, these days. You could probably greet the Archbishop of Canterbury by saying: “Allo, me old ****!” and he wouldn’t even blink.

Anyway, the police have taken a dim view and intend to focus their investigations on people who might have a grudge against Ken. They begin interviewing 7m people tomorrow morning.

The 'saints' from another planet

News of a much deserved award for the actor Richard Gere. He’s at the Toronto film festival and is picking up a bauble tonight not for acting but “in recognition of his dedication to fighting child poverty and suffering around the world”. Well done, Richard: the starving kiddies of Africa will throw down their empty bowls to join in the applause.

Gere will be presented with his award by Shilpa Shetty, the Celebrity Big Brother winner. Shilpa has been invited to take part because of her famous campaigning work. A press release from the charity One X One points out that she was awarded an honorary doctorate for her “outstanding contribution to cultural diversity” by the “prestigious” Leeds Metropolitan University. (That’s “prestigious” as opposed to “proper”, which would be the University of Leeds).

Other celebs being made to feel good about themselves at the benefit gala include the “supermodel and philanthropist” Petra Nemcova. And Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York. What’s she being rewarded for? Preventing the earth from being destroyed by a comet? Eating the entire western seaboard of the US? Shame there isn’t an award for Pete Doherty for services to the Afghan poppy industry. What a strange world these people inhabit.

Whispering cynics hover over the McCanns

There’s a mean-spirited and baleful strand of public opinion that you rarely, if ever, hear on TV news programmes or at polite dinner parties – even when the fifth bottle of sancerre has been opened. But you hear it every day from people you know well, sometimes with an apologetic shake of the head.

You could hear it, if you listened, on May 4 this year, the day after Madeleine McCann went missing. And indeed ever since. A nasty, sotto voce articulation that something wasn’t quite right with the whole business and that the sympathy with the poor girl’s parents was either wholly misplaced or exaggerated.

There’s a petition you can sign online, for example, calling for Leicestershire social services to investigate the McCanns for supposed negligence. Some 16,500 people have felt moved to append their names. And beyond that the intimation that the Portuguese police should be looking a little closer to home in their inquiries.

We must hope that dark, cynical viewpoint was not right all along.

* * * * *

Osama’s beard was looking pretty foxy, wasn’t it? Midnight Raven by L’Oréal, I would reckon – because you’re worth it, inshallah. Possibly the same shade as Davina McCall, if I’m not mistaken. Probably a home delivery from the Hindu Kush Grooming Products for the Modern Metropolitan Muslim.

There’s nothing in the Koran to stop a Muslim dyeing his beard, or even adding minxy blond highlights for his next important video appearance. Allah, PBUH, seems uncharacteristically indulgent on the whole issue.

Have to say his skin was looking a bit sallow and tired, though. My girlfriend recommends Clarins Beauty Flash Balm. Gay? Nobody said gay, Osama. Don’t worry about it.

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