Rod Liddle
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Quite soon – within 50 years or so – the only people left in Britain will be cut-price Polish plumbers, angry suicide bombers from the dusty Maghreb and obese, flatulent, drunken, educationally subnormal indigenous chavs who haven’t yet worked out the quickest route to the ferry terminal. Good luck, all of you – I’ll be long dead by then, even if I stop smoking. According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), the number of British people leaving the country last year was a remarkable 400,000 – that’s a city the size of Sheffield. And more than half of those were reasonably well-off, tax-paying, palpably sentient human beings.
Even more people came in, of course – 591,000 according to the ramshackle guesswork of the ONS. But they weren’t quite the same, economically and socially, as those who got the hell out. They were – now, what’s the nicest way of putting this? – differently-abled.
We are repeatedly told that we should welcome our incomers because they will enhance the wealth of the country: we need them to do the jobs that British people won’t do because they’re too idle or too greedy. But then a recent study from the Social Affairs Unit suggested that for an immigrant to add to the wealth of the country he should be carrying £144,000 with him, otherwise the rest of us will be left less well-off.
Call me a curmudgeon, but I’m not convinced that every single member of the present influx brings in that amount. Meanwhile, high-earning, productive Brits continue to leave in ever increasing numbers for Spain, Australia, the United States and so on. One reason is simply that these days they can leave – British property prices being so ludicrously high that you can buy a mansion in Tallahassee for your two-bed flat with small patio of fox-poo in Stockwell, south London.
Why would you stay in Britain, given our weather, our congested cities, our rotten schools, the eerie, robotic presence of David Miliband on Question Time, speed cameras, stealth taxes, Tesco, Roman Abramovich and Jonathan Ross? Surely any sensible person would leave. You head for Heathrow and, having been subjected to three hours of misery, are finally allowed to board the plane and you’re free.
All of that might provoke a person to emigrate. But if you look at the graph, handily provided by the ONS, there is a direct link between those leaving and those coming in. The pattern of immigration into Britain over the years mirrors almost exactly the pattern of migration out. So much so that you might suppose there is a causal link between the two; we’re getting out because of all those people coming in. Everybody tells us that immigration is good for the country. The only people, it would seem, who are not quite sure about this are the general public.

Spoke to a man who went hare coursing the other day. “We have to be careful though,” he whispered, “on account of police informers.” Not careful enough, matey, I thought to myself, surreptitiously writing down his car registration number. He then explained, with great exasperation, how at the end of every course they had to shoot all the hares, otherwise the whole enterprise would be deemed illegal. “There’s just no alternative, that’s what the law says we have to do,” he said. “Well, you could just not go hare coursing in the first place, which is what the law really intends,” I said. He looked very puzzled, as if this thought – of properly abiding by the law – had never even occurred to him.
In The Spectator, meanwhile, one of Britain’s most celebrated fox-stranglers, the former Daily Telegraph editor Charles Moore, worries that the police might soon “turn nasty” with regard to the hundreds of braying pink-jacketed aristowannabes who continue to flout the ban. By “turn nasty” he means uphold the law of the land. Charles and his ilk are at other times fervent admirers of law and order. I wonder how he would feel if he were to be burgled or mugged and the police resisted the temptation to “turn nasty” bypursuing the perpetrator, but turned a blind eye instead?

She’s rough for a redhead, mate
Congratulations are in order for P Selvakumar, a 34-year-old Indian farmer who last week tied the knot with a russet-coloured mongrel dog called Selvi. The four-year-old blushing bride looked absolutely lovely, dressed in a sari and garlanded with flowers. One assumes – or hopes, at least – that the happy couple plan to adopt. Mr Selvakumar married the dog to bring himself good luck; however, not so long ago an elderly Nepalese chap called Phulram Chaudhary married a dog – a different dog, obviously – for precisely the same reason and was dead within the week from some mysterious infection. Rabies or parvovirus, maybe. It is not so long ago that a Sudanese man got himself hitched to a lithe young goat – although he was a more reluctant bridegroom: village elders forced him into the union after he had been espied having congress with the creature while they were both still single. That, as you will be aware, is really not on. These are conservative societies, after all. And following the Indian wedding, Mr Selvakumar was at pains to point out that his Selvi was a bitch, just in case anyone thought there was anything weird or perverted going on.
He wrecked the Rock and sailed off quids in
Adam J Applegarth, until this weekend the chief executive of Northern Rock, sold £2.6m of shares in his company at high prices while at the same time urging investors – and his own employees – to buy more and more. He sold those shares before his own idiotic policy of moving Northern Rock from its old-fashioned steady investments to speculating in the volatile short-term money markets resulted in catastrophe. With the moolah he is said to have bought some expensive cars. And an estate in Northumberland. A little later Northern Rock was begging the Bank of England for help with its “liquidity problem”. It was skint. The sub-prime crisis, of which Northern Rock was Britain’s biggest victim, is portrayed as an act of God, like a freak flood. But, of course, it is not: it has been occasioned by the greed and stupidity of men like Applegarth. He still has his enormous bonus, awarded for the very strategy that landed Northern Rock in the mire. He has no liquidity problem.

All credit to the authorities for nobbling Victoria Young, a woman from Manchester, for having invented a whole bunch of fictitious babies and claiming more than £40,000 in various state benefits on their behalf. But have they got to the bottom of it all? The last ectoplasmic babies for which Young illegally claimed benefit were called Kacey, Kelsey, Kier, Kie and Kyla. Is it not likely, then, that they caught her somewhere in the middle of her fraud – as she cheerfully worked her way through the Book of Names for Chav Babies (£6.99, at no good bookshops)? And that much earlier she may well have been claiming for Ashley, Aleesha, Adidas, Aymee, Archers and Aguilera?
Rod Liddle left his post as editor of the BBC's Today programme in 2002, after a row about impartiality in an article he wrote for The Guardian. He was formerly a speechwriter for the Labour Party. As well as writing for The Sunday Times, he contributes to The Spectator and Country Life and presents current affairs documentaries on television
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I am truly astonished by your comments on Question Time that your don't blame the unemployed for not taking lower paid jobs. What gives these people the right to land better paid jobs, when a good majority of them cannot read, write or add up. They have left school without any qualifications, and there you are preaching about not being paid enough! Please go ahead on your vast salary and subsidise these lazy good for nothings, but I don't want to support them. If the immigrants can cross several countries to work here then these work shy spongers can travel a few miles to London where there are any amount of jobs. If we pay people to be unemployed we will always have the unemployed! I have worked hard and long all my life and I see not reason to pay for their tv's, cars, several childres and the rest. If they don't want to work they do voluntary work for their benefits.
Beverly Heaps, Laleham, Middlesex
In 50 years time or so on they will not be any Polish plumbers nor Polish migrants at all - all these working now will reteire and move back to Poland or follow British folk on the way to Spain; and - as Eastern European tend to assimilate a way quicker than any other ethnic group - thanks to years passing by and 'brilliant' educational system over here - their kids will end up as British chavs living on generous benefit system!
Marcin, Belfast,
I genuinely cannot work out if the first section of this, on immigration, is meant to be a parody or not. Rod?
Chris N, Lewes,
But we have never ever voted for the EUification, it is quite simply treason, we were told it was a simple trade agreement, there is no loss of essential sovereignty, Neither have we ever voted to be ethnically cleansed from our own Country, In 50 yrs we will be Minorities....this is a deliberate Genocide to drown out the British and the British Vote.....Jack Straw said as much when he said, 'The British are not worth saving as a race'
This must be Stopped.
http://www.brusselsjournal.com/node/865
Adrian Peirson, Luton , Britain Beds
18.11.07 Rod's 'Comment' on hare coursing & fox hunting hit the nail squarely on the head. I was a police officer for 22 years until an injury on duty forced me to retire early. During my service in Cumbria where there are many hunts we attended meetings regularly 'to prevent breaches of the peace' which translated to keeping the protestors off the hunters backs & out of their way. Now try & get a police officer to attend a hunt & stop then from committing offences against the act. I guarantee they will not attend but ask the public to gather evidence. Other forces would put police helicopters in the air when 'hunt sabs' were abroad, now you'd be lucky if they sent a local officer to observe a hunt's illegal activities. I did my duty according to the law & I was still a police officer would expect to do so when these people hunt illegally. It's an open secret that they do, just visit any of their websites. The Countryside Alliance openly brags about 'carrying on as before'. Thanks Rod
S. Wood, Workington, U.K.
Dear Rod. I really admire British nation and its history, I value your culture and I learn English because I want to know you, British people, better. But I don't understand you. Honestly, how can you blame us - the immigrants - for the natural result of European Union? Did you hear about it? Do you know how it works? I know that United Kingdom is one and only, you have your pints, you drive your cars on the left side of the road, you have separately hot and cold water in the sink and so on... But you are in the European Union. Don't forget it.
And I'm not surprised that British people find their luck in another EU (or not EU) countries. We are living in the free world and everyone can choose. Unless you are the Pole who needs visa to go to the United States...
Adriana, London, Poland
Dear Rod, I understand your feelings. Itâs human nature to feel brotherhood with those similar to us. I feel the same, for all those who are like me - honest and hard worker. And I despise all that are dishonest and/or lazy. Nationalities are irrelevant, obviously. Donât you agree?!
Economics: immigrants are on average higher qualified/educated than natives, particularly compared with the British pensioners emigrants to sunnier places. (By the way, should the Spanish government also force them to learn Spanish? Or deny free health care?)
Immigrants earn higher average salaries, and claim less benefits. Immigrants have a net positive effect on the NHS (higher share of immigrants health workers than patients), and offer the same net benefit in most sectors.
Rod, you have been selecting data, tendentiously. Perhaps as consequence of bad company, or personal bitterness, I donât know. My friend, it saddens me to inform you, but you have become a xenophobe.
Think straight, man!
Laura Fox, Chichester, Sussex
Pitiful...
Dave Hill, London, UK
Wonderfully ironic to hear British people complaining about all the horrid foreigners coming in and crowding their shores - and then recommending as the solution that Brits should emigrate! At least there won't be any frightful, menacing immigrants to contend with in Spain, Australia or the USA...
Except for them of course but they're nice white people with savings. And degrees in IT management.
MB, Edinburgh,
When I first became comfortable thanks to being the kind of "productive Brit" Mr Liddle fantasises about, I looked at the options. I couldn't find anywhere "nice" that didn't feature hurricanes, blizzards, drought, floods, wars, earthquakes, eastenders, lack of museums, or lack of concerts. Switzerland came close (except for the blizzards), but I'm not going anywhere that has posters telling you you're not welcome....
The only real downside of life in Britain is the writers of op-ed pieces in newspapers. And it sounds like as soon as they're saved up enough pennies they'll be off anyway.
Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK
It's called a COMMON MARKET - and you cannot have a truly common market without free movement of labour and goods. I have relatives who have moved to live and work (permanently) in other EU states. Why doesn't Liddle get with the 21st century, stop burying your head in the sand and get real. Just because you are incapable of adapting and competing in the modern world (and more than likely incapable of speaking another foreign language because of our "world class" education system), stop blaming everyone else. It's OK when you want to move abroad, but not the other way around?!? Hypocrisy is not a foreign policy.
Jon Kingsbury, Southampton, UK
Always a good read - so it looks like we're back to the seventies but without the delight of The Sweeny.
One point, it's the job not the individual that attracts tax. If A is replaced by B then B pays the same tax as A. Since the City is where we find all these highly paid jobs (although paying less tax than might be expected) and since it is obvious that anyone can do these highly paid jobs, providing they are at least semi-literate and have the instincts of a fraudster, it follows that the demise of UK is still long way off.
Eddie Reader, birmingham, england
Perhaps Rod will be happy to know some of us darkie immigrants love old British values - I positively love a cuppa & a fry up in the morning and a good Shakespearian sonnet before bed!.
Itâs strange how young lefties age into traditional righties (is that a proper word?). Itâs boring that Rod has gone the same way - one can only think of Tony Benn as an example having gone the other way.
Raj, London,
This is of course one of the two next steps in the immigration debate. Previously we've been sidetracked by the asylum problem -- big problem that it is but small in the context of the massive numbers of migrants overall; and the other week the debate was restricted just to workers (that is those the Government reluctantly bothered to try to find), ignoring non-workers and the dependents of workers. Massive though these numbers are, the next step is to force the Governemnt to do a non-silly estimate of the number of illegals. But on top of all this -- as Rod here rightly pinpoints -- is the question of how big a slice of the influx is benefit rather than drain. The answer is, of course, that it's mainly drain, and a whopping one. Come the next downturn we'll really find out; that is, if people are still bothering to work and pay tax at all -- or have all emigrated.
It's not chickens that are coming home to roost, but critters way way bigger.
steve moxon, sheffield,
That part about
'I wonder how he would feel if he were to be burgled or mugged and the police resisted the temptation to âturn nastyâ by pursuing the perpetrator, but turned a blind eye instead? '
I thought that for several years the police have been officially ignoring 50% of burglaries and muggings. Am I wrong?
Richard, Baden, Switzerland
Liked the article - I am one of the 'shoved'
I recently looked at what the IPPR says in their report on Britains Migrants (sept 07- produced for Channel4 Dispatches). Their analysis
" confirms that many immigrant groups are making positive economic contributions". But , conveniently,on the cost side- neglect s the costs attributed to Social services; NHS; schooling ; infrastructure etc. It also has a table showing the % if what it terms 'Inactives' (inactive means zero cost? Unlikely)
The IPPR was , amongst others, the Alma Mater of Patricia Hewitt ..........
Mike Lacy, Montpellier, France
So what's to be done about the exodus of UK talent and the inflow of the "differently-abled"? Self evidently the Establishment approved, main political parties are utterly incapable of stopping the rot, or they would have acted by now -theyv'e had thier chance. Anyway, their lords and masters who own them and the compliant media, which they also own, desire this mass movement of people in order to keep down wages, increase trade for their markets and generally upset and demoralises us. The British National Party is well worth supporting - give them a chanc, they have no strings attached.
Dr Stuart Russell, Grantham, uk
Broon and his Nu Labour Stalinists must be rubbing their hands with glee. The people emigrating from England are said to be successful, middle class citizens. As such they will be able to read, write and think for themselves, hence most unlikely to ever have voted Nu Labour. In contrast those entering the country are, in the main, illegal immigrants, criminals or those seeking the comfort of the welfare state. They will all in due course be voting for the party that welcomed them into their land of milk and honey i.e. Nu Labour. It's the best 'cunning plan' since Baldrick.
B. Carroll, Liverpool, England
Check out "Brand New Leather Jacket", YouTube.
Keep you smiling all day.
Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan
Good to hear so many British are heading our way but could you please speed it up. If you get here soon you will just have enough time to get citizenship for the next but one election and save us from a Blair clone many Australian's seem set on electing next weekend.
Ian Davis, Sydney, Australia
These are the most amusing little articles I've read in a long time. The "tale of push and shove" pins the tail right on the donkey. I've forwarded your link to everyone I know.
Steve Jacks, London,