Slainte, Ireland – the only country in the European Union which had enough moral spine and commitment to democracy to allow its people a vote on the Lisbon treaty. And of course its people voted “no” – as the people of Europe inevitably do when given the chance. Slainte once again, then.

We’re told that this is effectively the end of the treaty, but – call me a cynic – I am not convinced. It will re-emerge quite soon, camouflaged with a false beard and a moustache, bearing a different name. Within a few hours of the vote, the EU commissioner Margot Wallstrom, speaking on the BBC, described the result as being the consequence of – just get this – “inefficient decision making”. What a marvellous description of democracy.

There is no stopping the European Union – all organisations, no matter how despised, feel they could do their work better with more power. And if that involves gulling the public, or bullying them, or ignoring the popular mandate, then so be it.

Ireland had its referendum because of a clause in its national constitution which demands that any change to the constitutional nature of the country be approved by plebiscite. Lucky, then, that Ireland was unique in this respect; the same treaty somehow didn’t affect the constitutions, written or unwritten, of the other 26 EU countries, including our own. As Peter Hain, put it, when he was leader of the House: “This is not a major change – there’s no need for a referendum.” All clear? But then later he said: “I am not saying it has got no substantial constitutional significance . . . of course it will have.” And finally he said of the treaty (to the Financial Times): “Our task is nothing less than the creation of a new constitutional order for a new united Europe.” All things to all men, Peter Hain – but he was not alone.

This, I think, is the point. There is ample anecdotal evidence that many Irish voters chose “no” simply because their government seemed terribly vague and evasive when questioned about the ramifications of the treaty, despite enthusiastically encouraging everybody to vote in favour. The Irish public smelt a rat.

In this country we have had 10 years of obfuscation and downright lying from the government about what our membership of the EU would entail, culminating in a reneged promise of a referendum on the Lisbon treaty. There is a perfectly respectable case to be made for greater EU integration, although it is not one that I would care to advance – but the government, hamstrung by its terror of public opinion and presumably feeling impotent to shift that opinion, simply will not state clearly the case in which it obviously believes.

When the Lisbon treaty re-emerges in its new guise, Gordon, how about letting the British voters indulge in a spot of “inefficient decision making”?

Yo, bro – it’s da London gangsta Gamez

London will collect the Olympic flag from Beijing this summer with an eight-minute “street dance” featuring hoodie-clad young black people cavorting to a gangsta rap soundtrack to “showcase UK diversity”. The dance troupe ZooNation, famous for its show Into the Hoods, set in the fictional Ruff Endz estate and featuring drug-dealing pimps, has been charged with the task of displaying to the world the spirit of Britain.

Well, I suppose you must admire the organisers’ candour in explaining to potential visitors what to expect if they turn up to watch da Gamez in 2012. They could make it even more authentic with a colourful display of synchronised stabbing, a company of inebriated teenagers copulating and projectile vomiting and, in the background, the gentle pop of bearded Muslim fanatics inexpertly blowing themselves up. And – a nod to tradition – British bobbies rounding people up for all manner of imagined hate crimes.

I wonder what percentage of the British public believes that this forthcoming display accurately represents them? At a guess, somewhere in the region of one. UK diversity – I’m lovin’ it. Yo.

A district council in Dorset has started charging people £1,000 for having the temerity to build extensions to their homes; this theft is apparently perfectly legal and other authorities may follow suit. Purbeck council boasts that it has raised £90,000 in revenue from this “bedroom tax”, which it says it will spend on vital transport requirements. I expect this means ferrying the councillors to meetings on a giant litter held aloft by Egyptian eunuchs – almost all other transport expenditure in Purbeck is paid for through income tax.

In fact, Purbeck charges its benighted residents a whopping council tax of almost £1,000 a year for even the tiniest hovel and more than £3,000 for those who live in large houses. Its only duty, as far as most residents are concerned, is to empty the bins – which it deigns to do just once a fortnight, meaning that even the poorest residents are effectively paying about £40 a time for every bin collection, or £120 for those in larger houses.

Now it thinks that because some poor soul has saved up 20 grand to improve his home, he can easily afford an extra thousand quid to buttress the council’s ever-expanding bureaucracy and sense of self-importance. And your council may well be next; if it thinks it can screw you, it will.

You’re on the wrong course, Trump

Donald Trump is angry that “shooters” have been killing birds on the site of his proposed golf course development in Aberdeenshire. There are dead birds and animal carcasses all over the place, he said – “it’s disgusting”. But we’re not in the shooting season and I reckon the problem has been caused by fundamentalist suicide squadrons of geese, kittiwakes and deer, all of which are as outraged by Trump’s plans as the local human population. His development, if allowed, will cost a billion quid and will include two “championship” courses and 500 “luxury” homes of the kind that might appeal to someone with the taste of, say, a mid-table Premiership footballer.

Almost everyone in Scotland is against the proposal, save for that moon-faced Braveheart manqué, Alex Salmond, Scotland’s first minister, who seems determined to let Trump have his way, for some undisclosed reason. Trump, meanwhile has stamped around “bullying” locals, including a fisherman called Michael Forbes who owns a crucial 23 acres, which he has refused to sell to the weirdly coiffured billionaire. Trump is now whining that he might take his proposal to Ulster. Good luck, mate – try bullying them and see where you end up.

So, let me get this right. In one of Britain’s most right-wing constituencies a by-election is to take place between two right-wing candidates. One of them, a politician on the rightish side of the right-wing Conservative party, has resigned his seat because he believes the left-wing Labour government is too right-wing on the issue of civil liberties. The other candidate, a right-wing former editor of a right-wing newspaper, who supports the Conservative party, is standing in defence of the left-wing Labour government’s policies. Have fun sorting that one out, lucky constituents of Haltemprice & Howden.

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