Who the hell is Anton du Beke? I woke up midweek and there were all these news headlines demanding that he should be sacked. I immediately assumed he was the French politician who stuck up for Roman Polanski on that under-age rape charge and was subsequently found to have cheerfully immersed himself in Thai boys while on holiday in the Far East, as you do. Yeah sack the perv, I thought, and drifted back to an untroubled sleep.

However, it wasn’t him, it transpired. The whole furore is about some dancing chav from near Orpington who performs on a television programme for idiots, something called Strictly Come Dancing, whereby people who were once semi-celebrities compete through the medium of dance to win nothing. This Du Beke had said his dancing partner “looked like a Paki”.

Well of course he did. You let these sort of mincing dimwits on television and that’s what they’ll do sooner or later. I refer you, m’lud, to Big Brother and the wearying “Shilpa Poppadom” and “... you pushing it out, you nigger?” controversies. Hell, I refer you to Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. “Edgy people with a clever and edgy sense of humour,” as the ratings obsessed BBC execs would say.

Why the fuss? And why, actually, should we care what happens to anyone associated with Strictly Come Dancing? If the entire production team were renditioned to Algeria and water-boarded for eternity I wouldn’t lose too much sleep, frankly. Bring it on.

But then Brucie got involved and my interest was piqued. Bruce Forsyth said he thought it was okay to call people “Paki” — no worse than someone calling a Brit a limey. Immediately he was slapped down by a BBC transfixed with panic, strung out between its craven, whitey political correctness and a wish to preserve the stars of its most popular programme — and Brucie apologised, too.

And so we had the BBC immersed in one of its periodic catastrophes, this time on an issue of consistency. The corporation had, of course, sacked Carol Thatcher, a bit-part player in a low-profile show, for having compared a black tennis player to a golliwog, while chatting amiably in the green room.

Now we had the two stars of BBC1’s jewel in the crown — yes, yes, Lord Reith, I know, I know — deciding that “Paki” was an appropriate description for someone of darker skin. Further, Du Beke had earlier said to his co-star (who has Moroccan parents), “You’re not a terrorist, are you?” in a witty, edgy aside.

The BBC turned itself inside out attempting to explain this paradox — but there is no reasonable explanation to be had, except for self-interest.

For reasons which might be mysterious to people like myself and Lord Reith, the corporation hugely values both Brucie and this arriviste dancing oaf. For reasons which are altogether less mysterious, it didn’t hugely value the services of Carol Thatcher.

There will be more inconsistencies like this while pusillanimous white liberals are running the BBC and other quasi-state organisations. Asian friends tell me that “Paki” is extremely offensive, as it tends to be the shouted accompaniment to racist beatings.

But even that is not the point. Du Beke can be excused because he is plainly as thick as a plate of mince; Forsyth for generational reasons.

By the same token you might also excuse the late Jade Goody for possessing no brain whatsoever.

In each case there is an explanation for having transgressed basic politeness: stupidity and untermensch ignorance in the case of Du Beke; age and stupidity in the case of Brucie; class (primarily) and stupidity in the case of Thatcher.

And in each case, for a moment, our black and Asian communities are aghast for a while and then, with dignity and common sense, move on.

But the white liberals squirm and shudder; they whip it up into a froth which eventually consumes them, racked by faux-guilt. They want edginess, but they do not really know what edginess is.

+ Is Silvio Berlusconi really the person who is “absolutely the most persecuted by the judiciary in all of the entire history of the world”, as he said last week? I suppose he could be, given the millions of pounds he has spent on “lawyers and judges” as he somewhat ill-advisedly put it, yet still the troubles keep coming. But surely Silvio would have the chivalry to concede equal place in the world’s most persecuted list to Sharon Shoesmith, the former boss of Haringey social services? She clearly believes she deserves parity, and is claiming that her human rights were breached for having been sacked. She presided over a department found to be in “a shambolic and disturbing state”, which ultimately led to the death of Baby Peter, if you remember. Rumour has it that Max Mosley also believes he is the most persecuted man in the history of the world. But it doesn’t count if you pay for it, Max.

One step back for mankind

I suppose 30 or 40 years hence we will remember exactly what we were doing on the day when America bombed the moon. Originally touted as a search for water, a Pentagon official has now called the operation “a pre-emptive strike” which “also gives an early warning and a statement of intent to any of those little red bastards watching from Mars”. Describing the moon as part of an “axis of darkness”, the spokesman refused to rule out regime change. President Obama, however, called for a “full and frank dialogue” with the moon, once it has been properly obliterated, “so Americans and our dear moon-folk friends might in time come to understand one another better, given repeated carpet-bombing”. The man in the moon was unavailable for comment.

Al-Qaeda – in a bit of a hole again

I’m greatly relieved at the news from the Cern institute in Switzerland, where it emerges that their Large Hadron Collider is being run by Al-Qaeda. When the thing broke down a year or so ago because they’d got soot on their magnets or something, I smelt a rat: this isn’t the Swiss, I thought, it’s got to be the fundi fanatics. Anyway, now a man has been arrested at Cern suspected of being a member of the north African branch of the incompetently murderous franchise and all has become clear. Some people are worried that having Al-Qaeda running Cern could be a little dangerous, given that certain scientists believe the collider might create a bunch of black holes which will swallow us all up. But if Al-Qaeda ever managed to create a black hole they would almost certainly lose it in the boot of their car on the way to Glasgow airport. “Where the hell is it, Ahmed? I told you to pack a bloody torch.”

* * * *

A survey out last week revealed that “whatever” and “at the end of the day” were two of the most loathed words or phrases in America. Maybe we should offer a contender from the UK: “We’re all in this together.” Especially when uttered by a millionaire politician — who therefore isn’t really in it — to excuse freezing the wages of poorly paid public sector workers who truly are in it, a consequence of the behaviour of very rich bankers who put us in it but who are not themselves in it because the millionaire politician who talked about us all being in this together doesn’t think they should be in it and won’t raise their taxes or clobber them with a windfall tax. At the end of the day or whatever.

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