As usual, the Queen’s speech was greeted with politically motivated derision by the opposition parties, who claimed that it was nothing more than a list of vague and unattainable aspirations that the government would not have time even to get started on before being voted out of office next May. An election-inspired wish list which it had not the remotest intention of realising.

One Conservative MP went further, suggesting that it was the sort of thing you were likely to hear from that troubled man who is always shouting at traffic in the high street, just outside Greggs — the one with the matted beard who is wearing a long duffle coat held together with crocodile clips and whose shirt has got dried blood on it. It’s precisely this sort of mindless cynicism and opportunism that degrades our democracy. My guess is that none of those who made such comments had actually bothered to read the Queen’s speech — and so it seems to me only fair to reproduce what I believe is a meaningful and vibrant programme for action here, in full, in the words of Her Majesty, so that you might judge for yourself.

“My government will reduce the fiscal deficit by one-half within four years, abolish child poverty entirely, reverse global warming, make elderly people really happy, contented and not afraid of dying, create an incredibly prosperous and stable economy, make the vile bankers apologise, build loads of really fast trains which we can all ride on for nothing and end the war in Afghanistan, leaving the country a vibrant and diverse democracy.

“That’s all on Monday. On Tuesday, after an early start, my government will rid the world entirely of nuclear weapons by explaining to various countries that they are bad and dangerous and by showing them pictures of what happens when you drop one on the floor.

“My government will endeavour to ensure not only that England hosts the World Cup in 2018, but actually wins it too, with a 30-yard half-volleyed goal scored by Lord Mandelson, in extra time, against Brazil.

“My government will ensure that the brightly coloured tunics worn by pixies will henceforth be made from sustainable materials, and that every pixie in Britain will have the right to choose what colour of tunic he (or she, obviously) wishes to wear. My government will ensure that all elves and members of the fairy-folk community have equal access to tunic-related facilities.

“My government will resist the request to ‘pass the crack pipe over here, blud, you bin tokin’ it for hours’.”

Now that seems to me a reasonable and realisable programme. There are the inevitable cynics, however, who mutter darkly that a more accurate representation of the government’s intentions, based on history, might read as follows:

“My government will mislead the public and parliament and launch an illegal war against a Third World country which will result in at least 250,000 dead, not including British soldiers.

“My government will launch another war against a Third World country but will not give its soldiers the requisite helicopters, guns, body armour etc, and not have the remotest clue what it hopes to achieve.

“My government will encourage the financial institutions to bankrupt the country and, having done so, will claim the credit for having spent unimaginable sums of your money bailing them out.

“My government will then get you to pay again for the above, either through job cuts or a freeze on wages or higher taxes.

“My government will invite millions of people into the country, some of whom will undercut the wages of indigenous Britons, some of whom will contribute to the country’s robust and diverse mugging, robbing, stabbing, shooting and blowing-themselves-up industries.

“My government will lie through its teeth about a referendum on the Lisbon treaty, lie through its teeth about levels of immigration.

“My government will enact countless and pointless anti-hate crime legislation which will make you scared stiff to so much as open your mouth.”

+ The latest weapon in the war against feckless, selfish, ordinary people who go on holiday in an aeroplane comes from the pressure group Plane Stupid. It has produced a shocking video of hundreds of polar bears raining down from the sky and smashing into shops, buildings and cars, with much blood and guts on display. I do hope it will not succeed in stopping the rest of us pushing polar bears out of aeroplanes, no matter how much damage it causes on the ground. A holiday is not a holiday for me unless, with the help of fellow holidaymakers, I have wrestled one of these majestic beasts to the floor of the cabin and then shoved it through the emergency exit. “Doors to manual!” we all shout as the bear is sucked out at 38,000 feet with a satisfying “phllomp”. And the noble polar bears show every indication of enjoying the sport.

Some people have argued that Plane Stupid’s video is a metaphor for the very real damage we cause by going on holiday and is not meant to be taken literally. Could be. Could be an indication of Plane Stupid’s monomaniacal hysteria, too.

“Make sure you show the polar bears bleeding, Piers. That’ll stop people going on holiday.”

Oh Lord, not a cockney

The celebrity businessman Alan Sugar took his place in the House of Lords last week, reportedly unhappy with the reception he received from most of his fellow peers. “They have this image of me as a brusque, ignorant cockney,” he said. Really? It is extraordinarily difficult to understand how their lordships can possibly have formed such an impression. But they should be warned: Baron Sugar of Amstrad is notoriously litigious when people dare to suggest he might not possess the intellectual depth of, say, Montaigne. Or that his social elevation is in some way connected to the extremely large amounts of money bunged the Labour party’s way by Suralan. You can think it, ladies and gentlemen; just don’t say it.

It’s called darkest Peru for a reason

A bunch of people in Peru have been arrested for killing their fellow citizens, then extracting the fat from the corpses, which they distil, package in smart bottles and sell to stupid European women as a beauty product. This is clearly not an ethical industry — particularly when you consider the huge number of air miles involved.

We do not read enough about Peru but when we do it is always diverting. You may remember their fabulously lunatic Maoist terrorists, the Shining Path, and stories about villagers living in terror of the chupacabras, a spiny, bear-like ghoul which sucks the blood of goats and sometimes interferes in an inappropriate manner with Peruvian peasants.

I sometimes wonder if Peru is a real country at all, or simply a fiction dreamt up by Jonathan Swift. Certainly he would have found much to admire in Peru’s unorthodox attempts to break into the cosmetics market. Is there anything women wouldn’t rub onto their faces if they thought it would make them look younger?

The Conservative MP David Curry claimed 30K for a home in his Yorkshire constituency which he did not use because his unhappy wife had banned him from living there in case he used it to continue entertaining his mistress, a local teacher. He admitted he had not stayed in the house recently “as much as I would have liked” and instead claimed additional expenses for hotel bills.

It’s no surprise that Curry is chairman of the Commons standards and privileges committee. Do you have the weeniest suspicion, reading this, that MPs still don’t get it?

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