A sense of belonging is one of the most powerful human needs. It is why grown men and women can be brought to the verge of tears as much by singing Jerusalem at a wedding as by remembering the pain of being the last in the playground to be picked for a team. It is why solitary confinement is a terrible punishment. It's why an elderly widow or widower will sit for an hour with a cold coffee in a bustling fastfood restaurant, hoping almost by osmosis to absorb some sense of community. It's why the first-time mother, exhausted and lonely, may succumb to depression, why the eccentric child is miserable at school and why the worker made redundant continues to leave home each day dressed as though for the office, but actually headed for nowhere except the library.

Feeling part of something is what keeps us sane (and even the most entrenched iconoclast needs something against which to kick). On my first trip to the US I laughed to see the presenter of Good Morning America place his right hand on his heart and wrap up an item with the words “In this great country of ours”, but afterwards it struck me that what lay behind the cheesiness was a sense of unity that is central to America's success.

It's also a big part of the reason why America seems to have fewer problems with extremist Muslims than Britain, because for all our well-intentioned multiculturalism we do little to make anyone feel proud to be British. Our much-vaunted cynicism is learnt behaviour - children, who adore to belong, are wholly inclined to patriotism until put off by their elders - so I for one am behind Lord Goldsmith's proposal that school pupils adopt an oath of allegiance.

I'm not sure why it should be so shaming for the metropolitan, educated classes to declare a love of being British, either. But now the situation has become so bad that even Billy Bragg, one of the great leftwing political songwriters of our times, is upset by our lack of patriotism. His book, The Progressive Patriot, is, in his words, an examination of “the issue I'm greatly agitated about, which is identity, belonging, immigration”.

We all need a moral code to live by and one effect of multiculturalism has been to remove from many people's daily lives the one we used to follow, namely that of the Church. Islam has swelled to fill part of that vacuum, which is why so many British people are now worried: do we really want it to become the dominant religion in this country? I certainly don't, not least (but not only) because of its attitude to women.

As Mark Rimmer, head of the Brent Registration and Naturalisation Service in London and the author of an initial report into citizenship, says: “People born and raised in this country are often far too cynical about being British and it seems to be a national pastime to put down British institutions and our way of life. It is far too naive to believe that initiatives such as this will change attitudes, but it might at least make some of our young people stop to think about how lucky we are to be living in a tolerant and free society.”

Interestingly, it is often immigrants who feel this gratitude far more keenly than those of us who were born here. I'm married to one (a Serb) and you won't find many keener supporters of Britain than he is. We laughed uproariously when, waving our flags in the Royal Albert Hall at the Last Night of the Proms once with some friends, he joked: “Makes me feel proud to be British.” But when you've come from a country where justice is by no means always seen to be done, where corruption is endemic and where nothing works as it should, you do appreciate Britain.

Someone I respect greatly suggested to me the other day that those who eschew religion could do a lot worse than adopt the Civil Service Code, and a quick look confirms her wisdom. The code has four core values: integrity, honesty, objectivity and impartiality. But what it's really about is responsibility, to yourself and to others.

It used to be called duty, and we still appreciate it when we see it. It's the reason Prince Harry is now perceived, post- Afghanistan, as heroic rather than hedonistic. It's why Baroness Thatcher is in danger, as someone said the other day, of becoming a national treasure. No one was especially surprised that she emerged unscathed from hospital at the weekend after collapsing at the House of Lords; the Grim Reaper himself is probably scared of her and certainly must respect her.

It's easy to mock the Iron Lady but keeping going is what responsibility is all about. At the weekend I read about the 84-year-old actor Roy Dotrice, who is due to open next week in Windsor in a revival of Brief Lives. He fell from the stage during rehearsal in Colchester and passed out - but insisted on going on that night. Madonna has the same steely will: if Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse displayed more of it they might feel rather happier than they appear now.

So yes, let's introduce an oath of allegiance to our schools. Children won't be responsible unless we encourage them to be - but they understand the concept, and they know that they should be doing the right thing. Above all, they want to belong. And we want them to feel they belong, because it's when they don't that the trouble starts. I've never come across a bully yet who wasn't bitter inside because of the feeling, often self-perpetuated, that he or she didn't fit in. And the teenager who turns into a mass murderer, shooting his classmates and teachers before turning the gun on himself, is not someone with many friends who feels a deep sense of camaraderie.

I'm not saying that an oath of allegiance will turn us all into one big happy family. But it can't do any harm - and it may do an awful lot of good.

The French have got it so right

One country that has no problem with its national identity is France, where newly installed First Lady, the former top model Carla Bruni, is facing stiff competition from her husband's female Cabinet ministers.

Only in France could the Justice Minister get away with wearing, to an official function, an evening dress split to the thigh, and she herself was given a run for her money by the Foreign Affairs, Interior, Higher Education and Culture ministers, who all looked stunning.

The idea of Harriet Harman, Margaret Hodge or Jacqui Smith pulling off the same trick here is unthinkable. In Britain, it is still considered bad form to look as though you have tried too hard, but in France, it is considered ill-mannered not to look as though you have made an effort in all areas of your life.

The reason is that the French respect themselves more. They see no dichotomy between making yourself look attractive while at the same time being well-read, whereas here we are still afraid of being thought trivial for caring about our hair. Frenchwomen are expected to be attractive. They are also expected to hold down a job, bring up children and cook well. Quality of life matters to them, from making time to eat to making time for leisure - many professionals in France take eight weeks holiday. Are we really so sure our way of doing things is superior?

Spring and autumn

The story of the friendship between the veteran journalist Bill Deedes and his young colleague Victoria Combe - and, as she wrote in times2, also with Mary Ann Sieghart - has been fascinating. There can be few women who have not had the experience of an older male colleague taking an interest in them and it is best for everyone if, like Lord Deedes, the man confines himself to friendship. I cherish the comment made to me as a junior reporter on my first paper by the sports editor: “You make a happy man feel old.”

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