Tim Hames
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Some 35 years ago the first volume of Spike Milligan’s war memoirs — Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall — were published. His wartime experiences were clearly an inspiration for what was to become The Goon Show.
For instance, when he was asked by an officer who found him lurking in an “inappropriate” place “Milligan? What are you standing there for?”, he replies: “Everybody's got to be standing somewhere, sir.”
It can be on this logic alone that Boris Johnson is standing for Mayor of London. Politics has closed down for the summer in every sphere except for the race to be the Conservative champion in the capital city. The term “race” is, however, rather an overstatement. Four candidates have been selected by the Conservative Party to woo the activists and then members — plus anyone else who wishes to participate in the process. They are Mr Johnson, Mr Neverheardofhim, Ms Neverheardofher and Mr Neverheardofhimeither.
This is less an election than an assumption. It resembles a presidential ballot in an African country that is in reality a dictatorship but where the incumbent has decided to demonstrate his democratic credentials by permitting a couple of random goat-herders and the odd elder from a very small tribe indeed to be pitted against him. David Cameron has similarly designed this battle so that Boris will face Ken Livingstone next May. I can see why this might (just) make sense for Mr Cameron. But even at this very late stage Boris should realise that it will do nothing but harm to him.
I consider myself to be uniquely placed to offer this counsel. For if I were to publish an account of my early adult life I could call it Boris Johnson: My Part in His Rise.
My role was, admittedly, somewhat accidental. It springs from the fact that I was the campaign manager for Boris’s opponent in the only electoral struggle of consequence that he has lost, when he first stood to be the President of the Oxford Union Society in 1984. This debating society had traditionally been dominated by a small cadre of students educated at a tiny number of elite schools — such as Eton College, from which Boris hailed — but it had by then fallen on hard times and was reduced to the indignity of having to encourage oiks who had come up from the state sector to become members.
The old guard believed, nevertheless, that they remained entitled to control the place. The young Boris was visually quite striking, as he has stayed, but not remotely as appealing. He hung around with the likes of the now Earl of Spencer (who did not court the company of those who had attended comprehensives) and was every inch the stereotypical Old Etonian, Balliol College (and High Tory) establishment contender to be president.
His rival was Neil Sherlock (a big cheese in the accountancy profession today, how the mighty have fallen) and I therefore ran a campaign of unremitting class warfare against him. If I threw a political punch that landed above the belt, then it was entirely unintentional. Poor Boris did not have a clue what had hit him (other than that it hurt) and was destroyed. He licked his wounds and a year later stood again for the same office. During that time he completely reinvented himself. He was interesting and funny. He implied that he was a supporter of the SDP (which, like Duran Duran, was trendy at the time) and was emphatically not part of the old ruling order. He was thus unstoppable.
He will be eminently stoppable if he takes on Mr Livingstone. There are three reasons why he should look forward to the encounter with fear and foreboding.
The first is that he will not be able to be the Boris he has become. The public and the pundits will demand that he proves that he is “serious”, and this will be the death of him. The ideal means of removing Red Ken from power is to make the election into a referendum on him and him alone. That cannot happen if Boris is the Conservative alternative. Ken will hit him harder than I did in his student days and will turn the election into a referendum on whether “this clown should be put in charge of the 2012 Olympics”. The mayor's distinctly undistinguished record will become immaterial.
Secondly, Boris is incapable of maintaining discipline until next spring. A disaster of some form is inevitable. He will either be exposed as having, how shall I put it delicately, “leafleted” several female London radio newscasters, or something he once wrote insisting that citizens who travel on a London bus are hopeless losers will be unearthed. Or maybe he will turn up in Hackney and declare what fun it is to be in Henley. Perhaps all of these mishaps will occur simultaneously. The media, an industry where (unlike Papua New Guinea) cannibalism is rife, will skewer him mercilessly.
Finally, it could easily be the end of his political career if only because of timing. The most plausible date for a general election is not this October/November but next May on exactly the same date as the London mayoral event. If so, then in late March Boris would have to decide whether to stand down from his parliamentary constituency to show that he is solely focused on his bid to depose Ken, or run again in Oxfordshire and rip his credibility to shreds by indicating that he did not think he would win in London. He will ultimately either drop out of politics altogether or stay in but be humiliated.
He should choose to avoid that Catch 22 situation. The Milligan memoir includes an account of an incident where a chef at his barracks attempted to disguise that he was keeping a pig (destined for Christmas dinner), which was against military regulations, by painting it brown and trying (but failing) to pass it off as a large dog. Boris is being painted brown by the Conservative Party at the moment. He should make a bolt for freedom.
Tim Hames joined The Times in 1999 and is a columnist and Chief Leader Writer. He was previously a lecturer in American and British Politics at Oxford University
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I doubt Boris will make it to election day. Something will go wrong and he'll have to pull out.
SBS, Reading,
If Boris Johnson is chosen as the candidate by Tory members, it says a lot about the supidity of the party membership. But then again they did choose Jeffrey Archer.
Jeff Randall, London, UK
I'd rather have Boris who'll at least try and realistically improve the important bits, rather than "Tax the poor people out of existance" Ken.
I have read some of Boris's comments on some of the cases put before him by people in his constituancy and he shows genuine concern over the stupid things most of us who not so well off, but coping as best we can, have to deal with.
Thalia, London,
I would imagine that "NULAB" would be happy to get shut of Ken and more so if he were to be replaced by a pantomime clown like Boris who, through the likes of HIGNFY, the BBC helped to promote. Let's face it neither of them are terribly credible or in the Guliani mould. Boris is a Tory toff, so what, at least he's not a phoney like Camera-on. Are you on the run over there Sephanie?
J.A.W. Clough, REYSSOUZE, France
I'm thinking of moving to London and standing as an independent. Someone needs to challenge the cosy assumptions of the major parties on everything from the Olympics to the constant ramping up of so called green taxes.
Much as I like Boris, the choice of him for candidate proves what many have been saying about Cameron. The man is all image with no substance. That is Boris in a nutshell.
Cameron's desperation for a well known figure has exposed his lack of judgement yet again just as his sackings of people whenever they say something which might be a little bit controversial have done. How will he react when Boris inevitably makes a faux pas?
This is what is going on in the country in microcosm. Instead of opposing policies the Tories are obsessed with image. We need a real alternative to Livingstone just as we need one for Brown. When are we going to get one?
Paul Owen, Birmingham, UK
Judging by the piece in The Guardian's CiF (am I allowed to mention that?) , the unearthing has already begun. If Cameron wants to fight the mayoral election with a candidate who talks of picaninnies and Africans with "watermelon smiles" then, as a Labour voter, I'll be delighted.
I'm particularly looking forward to those who've tried to make spurious charges of anti-semitism stick against Ken defend Boris on this.
Sy, London,
If I had the choice of a funny joke as Mayor of London as opposed to the current incumbent who is a sick joke I know who I would pick.Why on earth Londoners voted for Livingstone with his congestion charges that have only moved the problem elsewhere and saddled them with a colossal debt burden for the constantly escalating cost of the Olympics is beyond me.
philip, Ipswich,
Having chosen to stand "Boris", has no option but to go for it. Standing down (and staying in Parliament) will be interpreted as cowardice and is not an option. Better to go down in style (and like Ken, he is very much a man of style).
This is a fascinating contest and both men will need to prove their mettle.
jonathan, Tel-Aviv , Israel
The present holder of the title has upset a number of people during his time as London's First Man, and as much as Boris is an entertaining personality I could see Boris headlines in every major newspaper in the western world, every week !
Phil de Buquet, Newport, England
Grammar, Miss Tooty, grammar! Why "DON'T" Cameron and Boris, not "doesn't". Kindly keep your views to yourself until you can express them properly...
Archie, London,
I have visited Boris in his surgery in Henley and also Thame and while I believe that the may be a good laugh and fun to be around he is not a political animal for one simple reason; he finds policy boring.
Boris is a celebrity and in his more serious moments a philosopher and social commentator.
I wish Boris well but I wish he'd give up politics and go back to editing. He's in the wrong job as MP for Henley on Thames and will never make a decent mayor.
Jane, Henley on Thames,
Don't discount Brian Paddick - as a gay and liberal "wet" with plenty of administrative experience in a tough london borough as well as being an enemy of the discredited Sir Ian Blair, he may pull in a lot of alternative votes. There are a lot of Londoners this time round determined to vote for anyone but Ken. Expect Ken to make a determined bid for the Moslem vote which will of course lose him the gay vote......
honeyrose, London ,
Nice to see Tim that you've kept a university feud based on class warfare alive for so long. Boris will win because the country and the capital are growing tired of Left wing governance. With the housing market starting to collapse the feel-good-factor will evaporate.
Andrew Jones, Cheltenham, Glos
Mr Hames,
This article says much more about you than it says about Mr Johnson.
It doesn't say good things either.
TruffleWednesday, Cambridge,
The blondest suicide note in history?
Joe, brussels, belgium
It is plain to see that the NULAB/leftists are very worried that Boris is running and will most likely win! The leftists are busy planting sabotage stories ably assisted by the NULAB mouthpiece (BBC) One "story" flogged by the BBC is that if boris won he would "damage or destroy londons multicultural harmony" (whatever that means) So Ken & Co are trying to smear Boris as a racist and a Tory toff!
So we will see lots of dirty tricks/smears and leftist propaganda with lots of help from the likes of the BBC/gaurdian Etc. It just goes to show how anti democratic and evil the leftists really are and just how much they have infected the media!
sephanie clague, Larnaca, Cyprus
I read that Ken said he really would have sleepless nights if a candidate like Boris stood against him - smothering his hysterical giggles the while! What sort of serious political party puts up an oaf, oik, nutter et al all embodied in the twittiest of Upper Class Twits and expects to be taken seriously? The only group to win in the totally unlikely event that Boris becomes Mayhor of London would be the Henley Constituency. They've apparently been waiting for years for an MP to turn up there.
Terry Carlton, Chichester, UK
Why doesn't Cameron AND Boris both stand down and for once do something good for their party.
Miss Tooty, Essex, UK
Boris will make a fool of himself, but then again he may still win if the other side can score hundreds of own goals. He knows that he will always be able to gain a seat in the tories, as he is loved in some parts of the country. If he messes this up, rather than just being beaten he won't hold another credible position. Have fun in Henley in a few years time.
Mark, Timbuktu,