One reason why we have not yet conquered Mars is because half the world's scientists are employed by cosmetics companies to confect exciting new lotions that claim to make skin appear ten years younger, or to add glossy shine to flyaway hair.

Many women take Hamlet's tart gibe to Ophelia, “God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another”, as an 11th Commandment, determining to devote themselves to the pursuit of a smoother skin, whatever the cost.

But, as we report, even some scientists can find the promises made for pricey face creams perplexing, and can occasionally struggle to recognise some of the miracle chemicals they contain.

May we, instead, recommend a new cosmetic regime that's guaranteed to deliver instant, spectacular results, with no corrosive side-effects?

Why not try Crème du Temps, the excitingly fresh moisturiser created by The Times. Blended by in-house experts in our world-famous Laboratoire Wapping, the new Crème du Temps contains active ingredients to tackle modern life, such as Alpha Analysis to peel away any dull thinking, neuropeptides to provide a mental vitality lift, specially formulated “oped” acids that eat away at misinformed views and a great sports serum for an active tail. Results are evident in hours.

Applied daily, The Times Moisturiser keeps even a 222-year-old face looking fresh, alert and ready for whatever the world might care to throw at it (Warning: using The Times daily can arouse strong opinions, debate, laughter, irritation and frequent crossword frustration. Use liberally).

The Times — for a richer, smoother life!