France's entry to this year's Eurovision Song Contest will break with longstanding tradition and be sung in English. By rights, it should go something like this:

Before you ask, we don't want your Marmite

We are still French, have no fear

We won't be all nervous and uptight

We're still pretty cool over here

For although we may sing in your language

It doesn't mean that you have won

We will warble with full Gallic anguish

As Edith Piaf would have done

For our Frenchness is deeper than speaking

It's in all the wine that we glug

In our ruthless and brainy critiquing

And of course, it is there when we shrug

Our aroma of garlic is charming

We still adore all kinds of art

De Milo is frankly disarming

Chanel and Lacroix are still smart

And besides, we are meant to be friends now!

So please do not snigger or mock

Don't tell us you no longer care how

Much you loved our dear Carla's new frock

So here's to the language of heroes

And this deafening battle of song

In English we'll score more than zero

And then drink champagne all night long

(repeat to fade)

(rapturous cross-Channel applause)