Memo to: The IOC

From: The Youth of Today

We have been alerted, via instant messages to our screens, that the IOC worries that we love checking Facebook and hacking Nasa so much that we have left the healthful pleasure of watching the Olympics on television. Its audience now has an average age of 46. So we had a virtual meeting, and suggest that to whip us into an Olympic frenzy you instigate: The Postmodern Pentathlon.

Event 1: The Thumb War. They claim that playing computer games has left us weak and flabby. So unfair! Our thumbs are really muscular from long hours playing Grand Theft Auto. Olympic thumb war is a sport we will excel at.

Event 2: Ultimate Fighting Championship. We love this no-holds-barred event with its luminous outfits and televisual ubiquity. The historical significance of its similarity to the barely-clad, oiled wrestling of ancient pentathletes is not lost on us, oh no. But it is the eternal appeal of fierce, slippery combat that is the real draw.

Event 3: Reality television. Real sport, this. The founder of the modern Olympics wanted to “test a man's moral qualities as much as his... skills”. Appearing on The Apprentice is surely today's single most morally testing ordeal.

Event 4: Shopping. Who said that if you could run in your heels they were too high? Inspired by international sporting hero Sarah Jessica Parker, girls could sprint in stilettos, while carrying huge weights of clothes. Primark could sponsor.

Event 5: Cricket. Our concentration spans struggle with this, but we might beat France, right? Then we'll watch. Right, g2g. Peace out.