Dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum, Dum-de-dum-de. . .

[Scene: Matt Crawford’s office. Borchester Land] Matt: You’re late, Adam. And I’m a busy man.

Adam: Sorry, Matt. I was about to go over to pay the strawberry-pickers when I discovered that someone’s drained the red diesel out of my Land Rover. Without the subsidised fuel we get for our agricultural vehicles the farm is barely profitable.

Matt: Yeah, yeah. Pump prices rise, folk start stealing red diesel from farmers. Nasty business.

Adam: Not that pricey petrol hurts your wallet.

Matt: Spot on, Adam, and I want to keep it that way, which is why I want our joint new anaerobic digester to be a whole lot bigger than the one you, David and Debbie originally had in mind.

Adam: The whole of Ambridge is already hostile to the project. Now it’ll be up in arms. You’re not exactly pouring oil on troubled waters, Matt!

Matt: Nah, I don’t suppose I am. But who can afford to do that at today’s oil prices, eh, Adam?

[Scene: Usha’s house. Usha is on the telephone] Usha: Oh Alan, please come over quickly!

Alan: Whatever’s happened, love?

Usha: Someone has dribbled red diesel near the petrol cap of my car to make it look like I’ve filled it with illegal fuel. I warned you, Alan! Shula will stop at nothing to derail our wedding!

[Scene: The Bull. David and Brian are at the bar] David: So Jennifer’s letting you go to Ireland for Siobhan’s ceremony, and take Ruairi along.

Brian: Yes, she’s been a brick about it, frankly.

David: We don’t appreciate our wives nearly enough, Brian. That’s why I’m going to get Ruth a really special present for her 40th birthday. I’m getting her a lock for her red diesel storage tank.

Brian: Golly! You really do love that woman!