The human billboard or sandwich man made his name peddling the apocalypse. The board on his chest would read: “The End is Nigh”. If Westminster council has its way, his prophecy will be proved true. For the bureaucrats want to sweep the sandwich men from Oxford Street. Other local authorities may copy the experiment. The object is to reduce congestion. But since congestion is one of the problematic attractions of shopping streets, this is legislation of supererogation. Sandwich men are historic players on the London stage; and sandwich women too, ever since Nell Gwynn hawked her oranges.

And there are arguments on behalf of sandwich men to counter the charge that they cause congestion. Without them, how would we know that there is a closing-down sale just around the corner (in the Strand)? This is called the Puff Direct. Human billboards also act as hellfire preachers: “Repent! - for the Kingdom of Heaven is At Hand.” This is called the Sermon Sanctimonious. Sandwich men are rocks in the torrent of Oxford Street. In two senses they divert the hurly-burly. This is called the Human Traffic-Cooler. A ban will never work. The tradesmen are too cunning. Peripatetic placards were invented in order to evade a tax on advertising. Ban billboards, and shoppers will be addressed by men whose T-shirts flash moving adverts. This is the Circular Corporal.

And a ban would attack freedom of speech. That is the Emperor Excuse for sandwich men.

We think that we shall never scan

A billboard man dressed as a soft-drink can.

Perhaps, if all our billboards fall,

We'll never buy soft drinks at all.