I see that, despite winning a place on the A-list of Conservative candidates, you haven't yet put yourself forward for a seat. Can I suggest that you consider Brigg & Goole? It’s a Labour marginal with a majority of less than 3,000. And it may be just up your street. Well, not exactly Elgin Crescent, perhaps, as it’s a bit further north.

I know that you are more familiar with Holland Park than Humberside, but this could be a great way to discover how people really live. Just think: you might find yourself travelling up and down by train with John Prescott!

Brigg & Goole is right next to the steel town of Scunthorpe. And Goole is the busiest inland port in the country. We’d love you to gain some expertise in traditional manufacturing and container shipping. Wouldn't it make a refreshing change from fashion PR?

I don’t think there is a Selfridges in either Brigg or Goole, though there is an Argos. But it can't be far to Leeds, can it? They are both up North. Anyway, everyone tells me the North is really bitchin’ these days — is that the right expression? I think so.

You might want to steer clear of Flappers nightclub: Goole on the Web says that it should be avoided at all costs. Actually it’s now burnt out and derelict, so you should be safe. And don’t go near Aire Street on a Saturday night: the locals call it Blood Alley. Neither town is exactly bursting with expensive restaurants, but think of the weight you would lose! Let’s face it: North is the new South, Scunthorpe is the new Sussex, and Raja’s Curry House (takeaway only) could be the new Nobu. Think about it, will you?

Yours as ever, Dave