Not too happy, the ninnies at Newcastle City Council reckon. It wants to discourage the use of “pet”, “hinny”, “love”, “sweatheart”, “darling” and, presumably, “darlin’ ” among employees and between them and the public. There was a time when such initiatives drew ritual derision from all people of sound mind. Sadly, that time is past. The right to take offence sweeps all before it, including the idea known in some jurisdictions as free speech. Bowdlerisation is bigger than ever.

Here, then, is the Times guide to Pleasantries in the Age of the Offended (Pitato). In Scotland, don’t call people “hen” unless they genuinely appear feathered, edible and oviparous — similarly in Yorkshire and sections of the East Midlands when tempted by “duck”. In Bristol and its suburbs, call only your lover “lover”. In Liverpool, keep “kidda” for kids, and, in Essex, “babe” for babies.

Never fall for “sweetheart”. It’s manipulative, and too short a slip from “wee tart”. Always beware of being misconstrued. “Gasoline” is safer than “pet-rol”, and “sloth” a better bet than “lass-itude”. And, if siezed by temporary amnesia, avoid phoney affection in favour of “Excuse me, person”. Or the more fashionable “Yo!”