Maggie writes . . . You’ve gotta read this! Why? Because you are a winner! Yes, you! You mean you haven’t heard about the bargain-priced shares in Tictac Mining Corp that will go through the roof next week? Fill your boots, quick!

Jason writes . . . As I was saying . . . I have a secret: someone likes you. And what’s more, I know a guaranteed way to make her REALLY happy, if you know what I’m saying. Who? I’m afraid I can’t tell you: you’ll have to read the rest of this leading article to find out. What do you mean this is starting to sound like a spam leading article? Hey, don’t just ignore us, because we can overcome that kind of thing very easily. You see, we’ll just call ourselves a L*&d!ng aRt!c£e next time we pay you a visit, to slip past your defences.

Did you see what we did there? That’s the sort of trick that spammers play when they generate their 90 per cent share of the 50 billion e-mails that zoom around the world each day. Around 95 per cent of those spam e-mails used to be trapped by spam filters. But the success rate has been slipping as the spammers get smarter by, for instance, transmitting images to outwit the rogue-text-seeking filters. That’s one factor behind the 300 per cent rise in opportunist spam e-mails over the past four months. It’s like a burglar dropping by your house every half-hour to see if you’ve been dumb enough to leave a doorkey under the front mat.

It just gives you a headache, doesn’t it? Don’t worry! Buy painkillers at 80 per cent discount! I also have something that adds six inches, guaranteed! No, not for you, Mr Cruise. It’s not a, um, tallness pill.

It’s me again . . . I checked: she really likes you! All you need do now is confirm your bank account details and security password. Go on — there’s one born every minute and it might just be you.